Uneventful C-Mas

It's been a blur the past week.
Spent a day in hospital stabilizing stuff, but got to spend C-Mas at home. IT was fun watching my son opening all his gifts and getting so excited about all his toys. It almost made me "feel something" instead of feeling numb like I do 99.9% of the time. I almost felt human. Able to feel, when normally I am unable to feel. The past 2 years at least - feelings have eluded me.

I'm facing a few options regarding tube feeds right now:
1) Take 1 day off work per week to go in for tube feeding. THis would deplete my vacation bank REALLY quickly and I'd also feel totally useless sitting in a hospital bed when I could really be working (or doing something ELSE) and running the feed at the same time.

2) Do night tube feeds. But then I would have to have a tube in my face all the time and it would be totally undoubtedly obvious and in your face to everyone I meet. I'm OK with people at work because they know I've been hospitalized several time in the past while so it's no secret there. I still fear judgement a little bit by my acquaintances or distant co-workers. Because face it, people like to gossip...

3) Getting a PEG tube put in. This one seems pretty drastic and I was quite frankly, SHOCKED that my gp suggested it. I don't think I'm "THAT BAD" to warrant such a thing! But he's leaning to this alternative because it solves both problems - I can to the tube feeds and go to work at the same time AND it's not totally obvious or offensive since it's concealed under your clothes.

I dunno - anyone have any experiences with OP tube feeds or G tubes?
Help me out... I've gotta decide or at least put my 2 cents in if they'll let me.

On a different note, I tried on clothes @ H & M today. I wanted to try and put things in perspective, so I tried on some kids clothing. I couldn't belive it when the size 11-12 kids jeans were too loose on me. They were short but the legs and waist were actually LOOSE! What an effing mess. My head is so fucked up right now, I'm even finding it hard to believe the black and white evidence that I'm smaller than the normal person. My head keeps telling me - they just make kids sizes bigger these days - which is probably partly also true, but my rational mind is battling my irrational ED mind. The battlefield is my body and my sanity.

gp

I booked an appt with my gp today - in a couple hrs. I feel like utter shit. I am off work today until friday. That's way too long. I cannot self regulate. I will b p every spare moment I get. my chest hurts snd I am a zombie. I'm afraid of the holidays when everything is closed. I don't know what I am seeing him for. Part of me wants him to admit me today - save me from me. But then I hear the voice telling me if I see him and get tubed I will get fat. And why should I see him? If he doesn't call me then all is well... Fly under the radar... I'm so lost.

Can you ever go back?

Do you think this is true?
"Once you know how to purge it's nearly impossible to stop."

This statement is so true to my life. It's too easy to get rid of food this way. It's so tempting because it's so easy. If I am left alone with food in my stomach and even the smallest window of opportunity to purge, I feel compelled to empty myself of it. I cannot allow it to sit in me.

I had [another] intake/assessment appointment for another ED program. It's always the same thing: How long have you been ED'd [started 16 years ago], why do you think it started [i have no idea. i read a book about anorexia and thought i should try it. No, REALLY. It seems superficial but even after years of therapy and psychoanalysis, that's all I can come up with. Isn't that fucked?], Do you want to recover? [I don't know. I can't imagine a life being fatter than now. I know I'm living on the "razor's edge". I'm stuck between being healthy enough to live my life fully and being sick enough to be permamently hospitalized. So, I bounce in and out of the hospital and this keeps me in a constant state of limbo, unable to plan for the future beyond my next admission. It keeps me from travelling, from getting a new job, from moving out of my parent's house, from being a good mother].

I went to a Mercy Ministries fundraiser/Christmas women's get together at my mom's church. I was a little skeptical about going and only went to humor my mom, but I actually found it really good. My mom is close with the pastor's wife and so, we sat at her table and were introduced to the MM director and intake coordinator. I got to ask a bunch of questions about their program and I'm contemplating doing it. It's a huge commitment = 6 months. But the house is beautiful and the people seem really caring. While we were sitting at the tables watching a video on Mercy Ministries, I had to try and detach myself, dissociate myself. I was too afraid I would break down. I can't explain what I was feeling - like some feeling of warmth or caring or being understood was penetrating the glass shield I have over my emotions and it was scaring me. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away, tried not to listen to the video. I guess it got to me because I could see how much love there was for those girls in the house. The closeness between them and their joy. And it made me feel empty.

Validation

It's pathetic how my self worth is wholly dependant on people's perceptions of me. For example, I went to the bank and my financial planner said, "You've lost a lot of weight, haven't you? Are you OK?" To which I responded nonchalantly, "Oh, really? I didn't even notice, must be all the stress and running around with a toddler. Ha ha."

Yet inside I was jumping for joy. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds that when they actually make comments and *notice* that you've lost weight, it means it must have been pretty significant.

I'm doing pre-care again for my next IP admission. I'm looking at buying an apartment in the near future and trying to be more independant. It's getting confusing for my son to get stuck between me and my mom and all of our drama. Our relationship has always been strained and now it's even worse because of the confusion it causes between who's grandma and who's mom. My mother has always been overly protective and "enmeshed" and overinvolved. Even as adults, she doesn't seem to trust me and my sister.

I've gotta stop putting my life on hold "just in case I get sick". I haven't been applying for jobs because I'm never sure if I'll need to take a chunk of time off to be in the hospital. I have been living at home for the same reason. I think it's time to jump - that leap of faith - and hope it's for the better.

Bunny

I adopted a baby (8 wks old) bunny! He (I think it's male, but could be wrong...) is so cute and so so friendly too. He's running around my room right now, exploring and hopping and coming up to me every few minutes to give me a little nose nudge or sit on my lap. Bunnies are sooooo cute!!! I used to have guinea pigs and hamsters but rabbits are way more interactive. I let my son name bunny. He picked the name "Fluffy" and is sticking to his guns on that name, so Fluffy it is. My next goal is to litter train him.




The funny thing is, I never intended to adopt a bunny. I just happened to come across an ad on Craigslist for free bunnies, then I remembered the old guinea pig cage I had. When people give up free animals online it worries me a little. I wonder how many of those bunnies will become snake-food or hunting targets for people training their dogs :( It makes me really sad. At least I saved ONE bunny, and that bunny is going to have an awesome home with me n Zach.

Some people think I'm nuts, taking on MORE responsability by getting a pet, but I think it's the opposite. It's giving me more reason to live and to fight - because there are people and animals counting on me.

"Contemplation Group"

This afternoon is the first day of a Group at the hospital. The group is "Contemplation". Contemplating recovery I guess...

I'm semi-dreading going because I have to take public transit 1.5 hours to the hospital in the bitter cold (it's snowing right now), then sit for 1.5 hours in the group then transit back home 1.5 hours. All in all, a 4.5 hour commitment. Of course the same old anxiety-provoking thoughts are flooding my head - Will I be the fattest one there? Will I have anything to say, will people judge me? But I'm not going to back out of it. It's only 4 Wednesdays and I know I could use the support. I just wish I felt deserving of support. Thin enough to be cared about. Will I ever feel deserving? I need to constantly prove that I'm worth worrying about or worth the space I occupy.

I overcame a huge challenge last night! I went to a food blogger meet-up and survived! I was invited to this event through my baking blog: ButtercreamBarbie. It was a huge challenge for me to go since I would be surrounded by food and food-loving people, but I also knew it would be fun getting to meet other local food bloggers. It was also exciting to be invited and "recognized" as one of the small number of people (20) invited. I've had my baking blog for 1.5 years now and I've made some great friends online. Anyways, the meet involved appies, a cooking demo, a hands-on cooking class and then dinner where we ate what we had just made in the class. OMG... I had to keep trying to stay calm especially when I saw how much butter and oil the chef kept adding to the pan.

The dish we cooked: Free Range Chicken Breast, Mushroom Risotto and Pomegranate Sauce



My heart was pounding as dinner-time rolled around. I managed to push the food around my plate and resort to all those old ED tricks of making it look like you ate. Then I took the rest to go and said I had to leave to pick up my son. I use this excuse more often than I would like to admit in order to not eat or to get out of things I don't want to do. Overall, I'm glad I went and it was nice to put faces to names of bloggers and to learn some cooking tips from a professional. Maybe one day I will be able to enjoy the taste of the food too, not just the appearance of the plated dish.

Annoyingly nosy church-goers

It really annoys me how NOSY church people can be. They have good intentions, but NOSY IS STILL NOSY! I haven't been attending church for a while now and it largely has to do with people poking around in my business and 'praying for me' and 'discussing [my] illness' behind my back (AKA Gossiping about me).

I helped out volunteering to work at the coffee bar at the church's Fall Fair a few weeks ago and I guess my so-called-thinness made it obvious that I have a problem. My mom is a private person and doesn't talk about my ED to anybody at church, yet today someone gave my mom a book called "Starved" by Mercy Ministries. It makes me feel slightly violated or like my privacy has been intruded upon. Just by my appearance people are making assumptions about me and they feel like they have the right to offer their 2 cents. Yes, they are right about the ED thing, but there could be other reasons for someone being thin, right? It could be a metabolic disorder, cancer, some other disease... not necessarily an eD. i guess that is why I'm so irked by their well-meaning prying eyes. If I wanted to share my inner turmoil, I would.

They want to reach out to me but instead they are pushing my further away and make me want to hide myself even more. Sometimes I think my mind is getting more and more warped as the days go by. I feel like the world is twisting and tilting and it's harder and harder to be around people. I wish I could let things slide off me like water off a duck's back, but instead I obsess and ruminate and self-destruct.

Nobody to be accountable to

I feel so abandoned. My T is now off until at least the end of November if not longer. Family/personal reasons that will be divulged to us when she returns. I am flailing. My safety net is crumbling. I usually am pretty good at pushing things down beneath the surface and "forgetting", but I couldn't shake the fear that overwhelmed me today when I realized just how alone I am right now and how incapable I feel.

In the past week my weight has dropped quickly. Without my T around to get on my case to keep up my weekly bloodwork, I am avoiding the lab. I'm pushing the boundaries - like a child - trying to see what i can get away with. Lately I eat something with the intention of keeping it down but panic sets in and I find myself bent over a toilet bowl. It's almost second nature, triggered by any feeling of fullness.

I'm dealing with much too much right now. My son is acting out at preschool, being destructive and not listening and it's getting out of control. I don't have the energy or the knowledge of how to deal with this. He also hates going to his father's house. HATE is not an exaggeration either. I'm thinking of taking him to a child psyc. because he gets so anxious about it... he also refuses to talk about what he does there, etc. His daycare has also told me how concerned they are and they even call me at home, after hours, to discuss what's going on. I am in over my head with nobody to turn to either.

I am being pulled in every which way. My work is starting to slip. This is the one area that has always been sacred to me, but even that is slipping away. What have I become? This is not the life I enveisioned for myself. Where is the little girl I once was, the little girl with dreams and hopes and a twinkle in her eye. I lost her so long ago. I would never have guessed that at 26 I would be such a train wreck. This is not the path I thought I would be on. I thought I would somehow "outgrow" the Anorexia I guess. I was so naive. Now I realize that if I don't do something to change it, I will be like then in 10, 20, 30 years. But I don't know how to change. I am too scared. I'm a fucking wimp.

This song expresses what I cannot.

Somewhere in Between, by Lifehouse:

Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
Can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy.

Robotic

I have forgotton what it is like to feel something real. I have lost the ability to connect my thoughts to my feeling. To turn on some sad music and cry until my chest hurts and my eyes are puffy and swollen. But these days I feel nothing. I try to feel but then the feelings feel fake. I don't trust my own judgements then my BPD tendencies kick in and flood me with doubt.

My T says that my body just doesn't have the energy for emotion right now. It's an adaptation to starvation in order to conserve energy. But this leaves me feeling like a robot. I don't even know if I can feel love anymore. I know logically that I "LOVE" my son, but I don't truly know the feeling of love. I'm a robot whose inner workings need to be tuned up every so often - I want someone to push my "Reset" button and give me clean slate, a new start. I fantasize about moving away where nobody knows me and starting all over again.

Burdened

I'm out of control.
There was a time when I could not purge. My body refused to bring anything up. Then little by little, I learned.
I used to be proud of my newly acquired skill. I used to feel accomplished when I made myself throw up.
Now I cannot stop. The decision is made for me - purge because you CAN.
There's a terrible guilt that eats away at me, screaming at me, telling me, GET RID OF IT. YOU MUST! YOU CAN! IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

It's haunting me and following me. The urge doesn't let me keep anything down except for candy. [Because candy doesn't make me *feel* full. Thank god for that or my blood sugar would be sooo low.] My throat is perpetually sore and my mouth is so dry.

I honestly don't know what to do. Every day I wake up with the best of intentions, promising myself that TODAY I will not give in. And by tht end of the day, I have failed again. I'm only just getting to bed now - 2:17 AM. Then I will wake up and hope for the best all over again. I'm so fucking tired... of this...

The Lab

Just a little thing that bugs me. The lab for weekly bloodwork.
I already feel self-conscious going in there every week, amongst all the geriatric patients.

Usually the staff are really nice and they recognize me and we chit-chat, but there was this new girl working at the front counter. She had to check all my info and in doing so, she said loudly, "so these results are going to the eating disorders clinic at x hospital?" Well of course all the heads turn to check me out - the real life anorexic - and I immediately feel self conscious and not thin enough. I wish it wouldn't matter what others thoght. I'm afraid they'd look and think: well she's too fat to have an ed.

I haven't been around the past week - was in hospital just getting blood sugars and lytes back in check. But I hope to be around and post more often. Xoxo.

Therapy-less

I got a call from my T's office yesterday, the day before my appointment, saying that something has come up and she has to cancel all appointments for the next 2-3 weeks.

Part of me is happy for the break from therapy but the other part of me is freaking out. The longest I've ever been without treatment is 3 weeks, so this is pushing it for me. I've been a mental wreck. I'm pretty close to giving up and no longer fighting against the ED. Nothing works. Maybe something like Mercy Ministries... I dunno... in the mean time I will just hang on here, like on the "razor's edge" as one doc put it.

I have some extra nutritionist and doctor's appointments scheduled in during that time so at least I'm meeting with SOMEONE - not totally dangling on my own and left to my own devices. They don't trust me. I don't trust me either.

Feeling a void

This is going to sound so clichéd but it's the truth.
I feel like I need something. There is a deep void that I need to fill in my life. I don't know what I need to fill it ot why it's there. I don't even think about it every day, but when I'm left with my own thoughts for any length of time, my mind starts drifting towards this void.

I've gotta stop comparing myself at x time to the same time last year. Especially during the fall/thanksgiving/christmas I tend to reflect upon where I was last year, my weight and ED compared to last year, how STUCK I am. And every year I get more and more depressed about it because it just means another year has gone by and I'm still stuck.

I find it strange how the more you starve, the more ACTIVE your brain gets obsessing over everything (food and non food related). I would expect the brain to slow down but mine doesn't. It runs me round and round in circles faster and faster, freewheeling.

My T says the ultimate goal is to learn to manage your own anxiety without relying on external sources. Is that even possible? How can you not react to things going on around you and things people say/do, etc. I cannot fathom this "goal". We don't live in a vacuum, there are external things in life that will cause anxiety to go up and down... How can I separate myself from the external? Maybe THAT's why people go into meditation. To find that inner nirvana. Dammit, I can't even sit still long enough for a 1 hr yoga class.

Anorexic "noise"

Just wanted to share:

This might seem painfully obvious to some of you, but it helped me understand things better. The gist of the article is that recovery from an eating disorder makes the brain "noisier." When a person with anorexia eats, they experience high anxiety, thought disturbance, and "noise." The noisy AN brain has layers of noise. The longer the anorexic delays eating, the lower the noise gets. Recovery doesn't mean that the noise goes away, it means you understand it and manage it better. To some extent, you get used to the noise. (Laura Hill from the Center for Balanced Living)

The noise is at its worst just as you reach a healthy weight [hence me being freaked out and losing the weight ASAP]. I have never been able to tolerate the distress. However, apparently if you can ride it out for long enough, it lessens. The noise goes away little by little. It all boils down to a timing difference between when your body reaches a healthy weight and your brain catches up.

This stretch of time is the most challenging. To the general public, you look healthy and "normal" but inside you are still stuck in deep anorexic thinking. This is when despair can take over. The noise is worse than ever and yet everyone thinks you're "fine." At this point I always feel like a phony, like I'm screaming beneath glass. That everyone will leave me now that I'm "fine".

No more pretty boxes

I don't know WTF is going on with my head.
All of a sudden, I'm sliding, fast.
All those little things I noticed before (pushing meals later and later, eating candy instead of real food, become more ritualistic and obsessive in general)... I was right about them being 'a sign' of bad things to come.

I am so ashamed, for the past 2 days I've rushed out "to do errands" on my coffee breaks to go puke in the washrooms at our neighboring facilities. I have completely elimiated eating breakfast and lunch now and the little amount that I do let myself eat at 3pm... that's what I've been purging on my coffee breaks. Today I used the handicapped washroom in the senior's centre building for god's sake. I have never been one to purge on work time before. It used to be a strictly evening or late night thing, but now all my pretty little boxes that I used to compartmentalize my life in are falling apart. Blending together. Becoming one big mess.

Then I return to my desk after splashing water on my face, wiping away the smeared eyeliner and rubbing some strongly scented body lotion on my hands. Pretending that my heart isn't pounding in my throat, my legs aren't feeling shaky and that everything is just peachy. I feel like this monster is stronger than ever. Instead of making it shrink, IP made it worse.

I'm being switched over to the "Complex Care" clinic for my treatment at the hospital now. It was so nice to have a little break from the weekly bloodwork, but now I'm back on that train again. I still feel so full. I am paranoid now. I can feel the cottage cheese sitting like a rock in my stomach now, even though I rinsed and rinsed and rinsed. I cannot afford to have the edema come back. Once that happens, I go beserk and everything just goes downhill that much faster. Thank god I'm still edema free... but for how long. I'm pushing my luck.

I NEED my life to stay separated in compartments so that I can be a good worker at work, a good mom to Zach when I'm with him and ONLY FALL APART when time allows. After everybody's gone to bed and I have no further responsibilites. But now I can't separate things. I'm scared.

Getting worse to get better

It's such a catch 22. You have to get sicker to get treatment. then you get better a little and everybody leaves you. I swear, that's why I stay stuck. Because I'm afraid to lose all my support if I get any healthier.

I went to an ED support group last night run by my treatment centre. There were about 12 people there, but they ALL knew each other from previous groups. It was a little unnerving being the odd one out. At this treatment centre they do groups in cohorts, so you kinda stay with the same group of people for 3 consecutive sets of group sessions. I'm technically supposed to be done the 3 sets of sessions, but my T still thinks I need the support so she stuck me in this group, hence me being the odd one out.

I was surprised to see a girl from work in the group. I don't know her well and we've only ever really said HI/BYE to each other. She has B.E.D. so she is not super skinny, but the odd thing is that even though she doesn't look emaciated, there was something about her than made me wonder if she was ED'd or not, way back when I first met her 2 years ago. I have heard this kind of intuition referred to as the "eating disorder underground (EDU)". That happens so often to me that I meet someone and a passing thought crosses my mind, I wonder, 'do they have an ED?" and probably 99% of the time I find out later on that I was right.

What is it that makes me (and other ED sufferers) so intuitive about OTHER PEOPLE? I don't get it? Like I said, this girl wasn't super thin or obviously sick. Then all this gets me thinking, I wonder what others see when they see ME. Do they know? Do they wonder? Any theories or experiences you guys have had with this?

Safety in Sickness

I find safety in feeling sick. Some days when I don't physically feel as crappy, I actually start getting worried that maybe somehow I'm getting healthier (read: fatter) without my consent.

This is day to day what I am used to:

-Cold hands
-Seeing stars and black spots when I stand up
-Being bone tired
-Fighting not to fall asleep in the afternoon (ie. right now, lol) at work
-Insomnia (waking up at 2:30 every night, tossing and turning until I can't take it anymore and get out of bed)
-Terrible stomach pains when I eat anything
-Reflux
-Leg cramps
-Can't stand up for too long without leaning against a supporting surface, my legs feel weak.

None of these things feels good physically, but they reassure me. Nothing else seems to soothe me the way bones and numbers on a scale can. I wish I could change my mind, but I'm getting older, I'm getting more set in my ways so to speak... change is not easy... I need to feel safe and unfortunately I don't know how else to do it, other than living in a hospital 24/7.

Signs of slippage

Signs I know I'm slipping:
I start to push my meals back later and later in the day, procrastinating, only getting around to eating at 5 PM.

I become more obsessive about everything. Both food and non food related.
I develop rituals and become irritable.

I start to eat candy instead of "real food".
Some days my only source of calories is pure hard candy. Because it feels safe. Because I don't feel "full" and "bloated" when I eat candy. I don't understand how candy could be a safe food - full of sugar, carbs, calories - but somehow my mind has accepted it so I'll just go with it I guess.

I ran into my doctor in the parking lot today. I have been avoiding him. He seemed very concerned and kept trying to get me to book an appointment. I don't see the point. He's not specialized in ED's, but he's known me since I was 9 years old, so I can understand his concern. He's a really really great man, very genuine and truly caring. He's also my son's doctor. I just wish he knew how to help me more, but then again, maybe nobody does. Not even 'the experts'.

"Good Job"

It's so hard for me to hear the words "good job" or "I can see you're trying really hard" from my treatment team. I saw my therapist today who I haven't seen in 3 weeks (due to her holidays, my IP, etc). She said she received good feedback from the hospital regarding my hospitalization. Compared to my last admission where I fought all the staff tooth and nail over every little thing, this time I was much more compliant and much less defiant. Maybe they see it as progress, but I just see it as my will, my spirit being eroded due to tiredness and apathy. Not due to a change in mental perspective.

Instead of hearing her words as good and genuinely positive feedback, I got offended by it. I felt like all of a sudden I had to watch every word and every action, like I'm a performer who has to please her audience. It angered me so much. (and now i'm angry at myself for getting angry at people for nothing all the time).

I just have something cute I had to share:
Today as I was putting my son to bed, he turned to me spontaneously and said, "Mommy, you are the most beautiful daisy in the world."

... If only I were truly the beautiful person he sees... :(

Energized?

I have all this energy, but not in a good way. In a kind of crazy, frenetic, OCD kind of way. I have never been a super-tidy person but lately I cannot stand anything being out of place. I cannot sleep either. After eating a late dinner from 9-11:30 PM (I prefer to eat later in the day, the earlier I eat the more I have to battle food throughout the day), I read and journal for a bit then I try to sleep but I can't. Then when I finally fall asleep, I wake up every hour until I can't take it anymore and I get outta bed at 5 AM. FULL OF ENERGY and wanting to equally tidy the house or cook.

The good thing is that I have also been making extra efforts to devote energy to Zach. I took him to Science World yesterday (took public transit too!) and that was exhausting but sooo worthwhile. It was a full day of walking, standing, (and not having time to eat). He missed me so much he wanted me to piggy back him everywhere.

On an intellectual note: I picked up an interesting book. It's called Severe and Enduring Eating Disorders (SEED) by Paul Robinson. It's somewhat clinical in nature but a relatively short read. It mentions condiment abuse which I am totally guilty of. I knew my salt/pepper/spice kick was outta hand, I just never knew it had a name until now :)

Outta IP

I'm out of IP. I ran out of sick time at work and I was also getting anxious about the weight gain (of course). I can barely look at myself in the mirror.

I'm glad I went in and I think I did learn some new skills to cope, but I also know this will not be my last round of IP treatment. Like so many I am caught in the "revolving door". My doctor pointed out that at least I'm being realistic. Even the team feels that I've been pushed as far as I can go this admission, and I'm back on the referral list for IP again, probably in 4 months or so I will go back in for a little bit. Short, frequent stays rather than long ones. I'm OK with that. Kind of like a bi-yearly tune-up you give your car or like "topping up" gas in your car. lol.

I have still yet to complete a whole meal without replacing 50% of it with Boost. I have thus drunk Boost (Vanilla is the only flavor I can tolerate) 3x per day for over 2 weeks.

I've been doing OK by my standards. I've been eating exactly 1/2 of my mealplan. No Boost. The only problem is that each meal takes me 2 hours to get through. No joke. By the time I'm done eating one meal, it's almost time for the next. The only really 'safe' food right now for me is cottage cheese. I've never understood my rationales for picking my 'safe foods' and I still don't.

I'm going to take my Zopiclone now and hit the sack. Going back to work tomorrow.

The outside world on a pass

I miss my bones.
The one thing that gives me peace of mind amidst all this weight gain is that I don't have my period back. It has now been 2.5 years since I stopped getting it. I don't mind. I don't want to have any more children anyway.

Mealplan increase - more Boost at every meal, since I'm having such a hard time with the actual food but I can deal with the Boost. I'm so full after every meal. The food just sits there in my stomach and even 2 hours after the meal I can feel it there. After lunch the food doesn't get a chance to move down before I know it, it's snack time and then dinner. It feels like I can't breathe from the anxiety of it and the physical reality that my torso is experiencing a loss of space due to the food.

I got a surprisingly long pass yesterday - 2.5 hours to spend with my son in the park. I was pretty anxious before the pass because I have only seen him two times in the past couple of weeks and I didn't know how he would react to me. I also remembered being so overwhelmingly exhaused by looking after him in the past, so that piece caused some anxiety too for sure. Today I expended more energy playing in the park and chasing after Zach than I have since the beginning of IP where all I've done is walk 10 feet from the kitchen to my room and back.

The pass went smoothly, but there's still a big ball of anxiety in me around looking after my son. I'm terrified of the physically draining effect it has on me but at the same time I'm overcome with guilt at even THINKING that I wouldn't want to spend 100% of my time devoted to him. I also got lots of looks from other parents at the park. Typical of people being curious, they glanced at me, saw my still somewhat bony appearance, glanced at the hospital band and the IV saline lock still in my arm and then kept staring while trying to appear that they weren't staring.

IP has opened my eyes to the fact that I like arts and crafts. I've been painting little wooden boxes and wooden plaques here. An inspirational quote I found (a proverb) that I painted was, "Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams".

Confined and controlled

According to my treatment time, I'm not allowed to have any passes.

I can understand not having any snack passes (I'm still not completeing meals, still struggling a lot), but they aren't giving me ANY at all. I don't understand. I'm not on bed rest, I'm somewhat stable medically (there are other more unstable people than me who get to go on passes. not FAIR!!!) and I have been pretty compliant with everything. I just feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It's so frustrating to give up your power and have people - docs, nurses, 'the team' - decide all the tiny details of your life. They are responsible for granting my wish which is a simple desire to go out for 15 minutes for some fresh air.

I'm getting so sick of meal support people being inconsistent and the rules changing constantly. The trays come up late for meals then WE have to take the hit by mealtimes being cut short and having to drink the Boost replacements in 2 mins flat. Chug chug chug. I feel like this ball of anxiety is welling up inside me. I feel like I can't breathe.

Mealtime Stresses

I don't want visitors, I haven't seen my son since I dropped him off at daycare before being admitted here. I am finding it really hard to socialize with the girls here even though last time that was one of the best parts about being here - making connections.

This time I feel like an outcast. I don't connect with a lot of them. They've already formed close friendships before I got there. So I retreat to my room between groups and meals. I think I trigger one of the girls at the table. She keeps giving me the evil eye and when we talk about table rules she always points out things that I do that aren't 'following the rules'.

It doesn't help that I'm the only one replacing at every single meal and I can feel the pressure on me (real or imagined, I'm not sure) while the time ticks away on the clock. 30 mins for breakfast, 45 mins for lunch and dinner, 15 mins for snacks. Awkward silence takes on a whole new meaning. The silence as we wait for the nurse to check our trays, to count out how many servings we need to replace, to go and measure and pour out the Boost Plus and then the worst part: everyone sits and waits for me to sip up the thick, sugary, vanilla flavored liquid.

Nobody is very talkative at mealtimes because I guess we've got one huge thing on our minds and on the table: the food. I feel this huge wave of anxiety wash over me about halfway through the meal when I see how much is left of my plate in relation to the amount of time that's left.

I wish I understood why it's easier to replace with Boost than to just eat the food. It's probably the same number of calories food or replacement, so why can't I do the food? Why can't I just take normal bites? I'm not the newest person here yet my spot is still stuck right beside the nurse at the table. Just like last time, they're suspicious. Maybe I can't be trusted. I guess that would be pretty accurate to say.

I survived IP day 1

Day 1 is always the hardest. And I survived Day 1. Ya! Being pulled in all different directions by the nurses, psychiatrists, nutritionist, lab techs (blood), IV therapy, doctors, pharmacists... It took us 4 tries just go get through the initial intake interview because of all the interruptions.

I did OK today I think. Definitely less anxiety than during my last admission... but maybe that's due to the high dose of Serequel I took. Being my second time, I knew what to expect and I was already familiar with the environmemt. Not a lot has changed since the last time I was in, they have just become more strict with a bunch of rules.

Lunch was a bit stressful - the first meal I ate after being admitted - I didn't manage to eat everything on my meal plan at any meal, even though it is a pretty small meal plan, or so they say. I managed 1/2 piece of dry toast and the steamed broccoli. I have a feeling I will be soooo sick of Boost pretty soon. I am proud to announce: NO NG TUBE!!! Even if I can't eat "food-food" at least I'm drinking the Boost rather than tubed, right?

I didn't get a chance to talk to the nutritionist before I was admitted so she had ordered my trays for me and that probably added to the anxiety I felt, not knowing what would be on the tray ahead of time.

My Meal Plan (I estimate this to be about 1500-1800 cals)
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit
morning snack: none
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
afternoon stack: 1 item
D: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
eve snack: 1 item (cannot be fruit/veg)

The eve of IP

In less than 12 hours I will be temporatily giving up my freedom to the treatment team at the hospital. Today was a crazy rush of activity as I tried to get my things in order and as up to date as I can before I go in.

I don't know how long it'll be. 1 week, 3 weeks? more?

I've brought lots of books and crosswords. I'm afraid of being bored. All that free time means time to think and get depressed or wallow in my pessimistic mind. I normally fill my days running from work to home to mommyhood to bed. There's no time to think and I prefer it that way.

I know the first day will be the hardest. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in there. Maybe I don't deserve this spot. After all, I'm not being certified this time. It's voluntary. The whole "voluntary" part makes me cringe: By not refusing treatment I'm CHOOSING to put myself through one of the toughest things ever.

I don't wanna be tubed this time. Even if I can't manage the solids, I will try to drink the Boost orally. Don't wanna mess up my sinuses with the ng, although it really is mentally easier to just lie there and let it drip into you. Less guilt around eating since you're not really "eating". Fucked up rationale. I'm bringing a whole bunch of baggy clothes. To hide my fatness. Oh God, I hope I don't outgrow all my clothes while I'm there.

Just like last year, my bags aren't packed yet. I'm pretending that tomorrow is a normal day, that I'm not going to be hospitalized. My mind won't accept it until it actually happens. Shit, that's gonna be soon.

No regrets

I am in no man's land "between living and existing" (a line I stole from another blog). I thought time flies when you're having fun. Well, it's sure flying and I'm not having so much fun.

I live in the past. Always missing what was rather than appreciating what is. Until it's gone.

The biggest regret of all would be if I am stupid enough to miss out on my son's childhood because of this. He still adores me. I can do no wrong. I am MOMMY - his world. In his eyes I am not a chronic slave to ed. I am worth something to him. My heart will shatter to pieces the day he realizes that I am flawed.

I want to remember the way he glances over for my approval when he tries a new trick on the playground or just to check that I'm still there cheering him on. These days won't last forever. How can I be so stupid.

Reunion

I saw my son today after not seeing him for a week. The hospital is only 1 hour drive from my house but that's still far for a 3 yr old on a regular basis. He was so happy to see me - he kept jumping on me, wrapping his arms around my neck, kissing me spontaneously and being on his best behavior.

I feel so loved by him but I feel guilty, like I don't deserve it. I often wonder if he loves me just b/c i'm his mom. I feel fake, like I was thrown into the role of "mother" as a joke, because I have no idea what I'm doing and I can barely even look after myself!

In the hospital they have family therapy which is sooo good for me and my mom. Our relationship is volatile, enmeshed and a perpetual roller coaster. My one hope and goal of this admission is to work through some of that in a mediated setting so hopefully the 3rd person, the counsellor, will be able to provide some objective and constructive criticism.

I can't look in the mirror. I disgust myself, but I'm telling myself that I dont' have a choice right now, it's outta my hands, so "suck it up" and hand control over to the higher powers (treatment team) at least temporarily... I can always revert to old behaviors right? So for now let's try something different.

Trying to make a new ending

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

I was so sad to say goodbye to my son. Going IP I will not see him much and right now he's with his dad for this week anyway. I'm glad he's not around and I am really hesistant having him visit me in the hospital because of all the machines, tubes, IV's, etc. He's older this time (3.5 yrs) and he will remember more. I don't want him to be exposed to all that right now. I want to protect his innocence.

I feel bad putting my mom and family in such a bind having to juggle their own full time jobs and commitments to watch my son while I am doing nothing more than sitting around in a hospital and struggling through each meal. It sounds so silly, mundane and PATHETIC that someone would reduce their life to eating vs. not eating. There is a whole world out there yet tons of girls (including me) choose not to experience it because thinness is more important.

What a stupid way to think. But it's the only way I know. And what you know is safer than what you don't know.

"Are you who you want to be?"

"This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be."

This song by Switchfoot makes me want to cry. If I were capable of crying, the tears would be streaking down my face, but I have not been able to cry for a few years now. It's like my feelings are disconnected from my body. I can say "I feel sad" and logically know that I am sad but I don't truly feel anything in my soul. Everything is stuck in my head. I want more than anything to be able to touch those feelings on a deeper level.

I have wasted so many years being focused on eating/not eating. Eating Disordered thinking. I have not been the mom that I should have and could have been to Zach. I am most definitely not who I want to be or expected to be and yet I feel stuck and powerless to change.

When I look into the future I get depressed because of all the wasted years and unfulfilled potential. I wonder,
"How can I accomplish anything worthwhile when I can't even do the simplest of things that comes so normally to most of the population: EAT."

why my self esteem is zero

I have this underlying feeling that my mother disapproves of me. It was my birthday on the 21st and all she barely said a word to me except to remind me what a hard labor she had with me.

Nothing I do is ever right. This is just thr tip of the iceberg:

I don't clean right, I am too lazy, I am not sociable enough, I'm not married yet, I am not virtuous enough, I'm not a good enough christian, I am not appreciative enough... In a nutshell I am a bad person and an even worse daughter.

Now that I've been cast in this negative light I can do no good. Period. Her outlook towards me is shitty now and it feels like there's no hope of redemption. Then again I don't know if I really want to be "redeemed". I don't know if I truly want to be the person she wants me to be. I want to be ME - whoever that is. I am so busy always trying to draw the boundary against what she wants me to do that somewhere along the way I lost who *I* want to be.

Here's the kicker. Today we were talking about Zach and I commented on some similarity between us.

Me: he's just like me!
My mom: oh god, I hope not.

She said that without an ounce of humor. She was dead serious. Thanks mom. Now I feel even more worthless.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Fat day

Today is a fat day. I look at myself in disgust. How can others who are normal sized or bigger be happy. They look so content and they allow themselves to be happy even at a normal weight. This kind of thinking is so foreign to me. I wonder what it is like not to hinge your entire existence on weight.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Social Anxiety

I wonder if social situations make me anxious because of the ED or if I would be nervous regardless of ED. I wonder if I hide behind this disorder to avoid being in these situations. I used to be able to fake it, nobody could tell that I was uncomfortable because I hid behind the alcohol at social gatherings. I counted on everyone else getting drunk and therefore their vision/perception/memory being blurred. I also used my cheap-drunkenness to dull my jittery nerves.

I have not had alcohol for almost 4 years now. My son is 3 1/2. I (obviously) didn't drink when I was pregnant and then even after having him I didn't drink much. They I started down the weight loss path and ever since then I have been terrified of liquid calories, including alcohol calories. I wish I were normal enough to still be able to rationalize in my head keeping down the 67 cals in a shot of rum or vodka. Not letting it freak me out. Then I could calm my nerves and maybe even enjoy myself.

It's my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner & Drinks at a bar. I have been trying to psych myself up into going. I know I have to go out of obligation and I want to go too. I want to enjoy myself but it's 24 hours before the celebration and I *already* feel the apprehension of dealing with people, smiling on the outside when all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed. I feel like such a loser.

I know that some people who are going tomorrow are going to be curious about me, about the hospital, about what I look like in person now since it's been a few years since I've seen them (outside of Facebook). A lot of this is probably in my head, but I also feel like a bug under a microscope. Will I measure up? Will I be thin enough? healthy enough? acceptable?

Say no to sin

I feel extremely panicky, misunderstood, pushed to the edge. I feel like I'm flailing about, trying to anchor myself to something. My T is not working today, I don't talk to friends about stuff like this, I wish I were a stronger person who could kill herself. I'm not 'gutsy' enough to follow through on it but I often wish I were. I have nowhere to go, not even in my head, there is no peace for me.

I hate my mother. It sounds harsh and terrible but she is the single biggest barrier to recovery in my life. She frustrates me more than anyone else in the entire world and I have never felt so strongly negative about anyone as I feel towards her.

I have been trying to take some steps forward with not purging. Yesterday I slipped. I only purged 2x this week. ONLY 2 times. Isn't that fantastic? Shouldn't that be something to be applauded? I fucking think so. Instead, my mom decided to call me at work and focus on the one slip last night and how she doesn't want to see that happen EVER. Like I should just be able to stop because she's dealt with this for enough years now. I tried to stay calm and tell her, yes I slipped but look at how much I've improved in huge leaps and bounds -

I've tried the alcoholisim/drug analogy to explain that you can't snap your fingers and get better just like that. But she says, celebrities go into rehab and come out a few months later and put all that behind them. WHY CAN'T YOU do the same?

In her eyes it's so more OK for me to just starve than to purge because purging is grosser. She doesn't understand that they're the same thing = coping mechanisms. She started quoting her pastor, "This is just a temptation, use your will power to turn away from sin. It's a choice." I'm sorry to anyone who is religious but that is a fucking load of bullshit. "Say no to sin". If I weren't so overwhelmed and frustrated right now I would find this funny. If it were a choice and if it were as simple as that, there wouldn't be a need for IP or Treatment Centres or any of that stuff.

She also said, "didn't you have a good day yesterday? Why would you go and purge when you had a good day yesterday?" As if it were that simple. The tightness in my chest is creeping up on me and I want to cry but I can't. I've disconnected from my feelings. They lie beneath the surface, sinister and damaging, but I can't release them. I can't even get peace through the catharsis of tears. My body won't let me cry although my mind wants to. I need somebody to talk to, I need someone to understand. I wish my mom could understand and not judge the way she does. It hurts more than I can explain.

Not a good day

Today has been really tough. I don't know why.

I couldn't bring myself to eat anything before 1pm when finally I had some clear broth. Then the feeling of fullness triggered me to purging. After that I was weak/shaky/drained so I took a nap until 5pm.

I lay in bed for 1 hour trying to sort things out in my head. Eat, don't eat, what to eat, if I eat I might feel full again and then purge then that would be worse than not eating in the first place. I had such a hard time getting out of bed, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.

Finally the logical, practical Tia won over and I went downstairs to steam some broccoli for dinner. The whole time, the battle raged on - "it's not too late, you can still forgo dinner" vs. "you need to eat something because that's what people do. eat."

I ate the broccoli. Then promptly freaked out and purged. Now I'm back at square one. Maybe I should just go to bed, try again tomorrow.

Wanting to move out

Right now I'm contemplating buying a condo. I moved back home after my ex and I split up and have been living there ever since (2 years ago). I'm hoping to move out soon. It's not that things are bad for the most part... it's just every day I stay at home, I feel like I lose a little bit more of myself.

I always want 2 opposite things equally strongly and at the very same time -
*I want to be taken care of and abdicated of responsibility (therefore I stay sick) but then I don't want independence and not to be treated like a child (I push people away when I feel that they are trying to control me)/
*I want to go into IP but my ED doesn't want me to go into IP, keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
*I want to be successful, to use my accounting designation to be "someone" and to make something of my life... but then again I also want to drive myself down the road of thinness to see just how low it goes... hence giving up all chances of a 'real' life and future
*I want to get married and to take on that home maker, soccer-mom kind of role, but the thought of being close to anyone - especially in a romantic, intimate kind of way - makes me literally sick.

These things and others that I can't think of right now function to keep me stuck in a rut. Vibrating back and forth between the opposite poles yet moving nowhere. I need something to shock my system in order to get out of the rut. Maybe I just need to be more fucking decisive.

Mid-2010 Update

Half the year is already gone. Only 1/2 of 2010 is left...and it's Canada Day tomorrow! Holidays and unstructured time in general makes me nervous. I don't like all that free time - it just means more time for me to get into trouble by ruminating about things in my head. Especially now without school to occupy my time, things get pretty dark and negative pretty quickly if I'm left with extra mental space.

I get panicky thinking about how much I haven't done, how fast time is going... I just try not thinking about that because it's one of those things that is out of my control. I have been trying really hard to distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't and not to dwell on those that I can't control because it will drive me nuts.

Today my vision kept going blurry when I was staring at the computer at work. I had such a terrble head ache. The floor kept spinning up at me. Every day it's a battle in my head - my body is saying one thing - screaming at me that I need to feed it more - but my head is screaming that I'm too fat and the number on the scale invalidates me as a person. No matter how many muscle cramps, head spins, dizzy spells, my mind still wins out, convincing me that I'm faking it. This isn't real. It can't be with the fatness on my body...

Fat. I wish the word didn't exist.

Blackberry Girl

I have joined the Blackberry Army, lol.
As a present for myself for
1) finishing school
2) being p-free for 2 weeks

I got a new Bold 9700 in white. I love it! So anybody wanna BBM me? :)

On the eating side, I managed to postpone IP until after my accounting final exam so I think I will be going in early July. However, at this time I really think I'm doing better than I have in over a year. I'm not purging anymore - 2 weeks - yes I said that already but I'm just so thrilled! Edema is gone and now I know my "real" weight since I'm not in a constant state of dehydrating myself from purging.

I have lost a few pounds but at this point I think it's innocent and just because I got rid of the edema water. I'm not too worried about it but tx team gets freaked out about any weight loss at all. I'm looking forward to the summer and playing with my new BB! I don't want to lose 1/2 my summer being stuck in the prison walls of the hospital.

But now I'm off to play with my new phone :)

The exam is over! I'm almost a CMA!

This is it: our CMA board report "exam" was over on Saturday, Jun 12!!! I am done with school now (unless I pursue an MBA... which I'm kind of leaning towards doing, maybe just because I'm afraid NOT to be in school).

The board report was a presentation, kind of like a thesis defense. This date has been etched into my mind for the past few months. We either fail as a group or pass as a group. I think this is a major flaw of the CMA program – you could potentially have a weak group member get a free ride to getting their designation. There should be some way of evaluating other group members and having that count for something, even 10%. It would make everyone accountable and give more of a push towards equal contribution. If I were to rate our group though, I would say everyone contributed pretty equally.

Our presentation was scheduled for 11:45 on Saturday. I wasn't nervous this morning or on the bus but the moment I arrived I started getting really jittery. One of my group members commented that you could see the nervousness on my face. We all decided not to practice this morning so we wouldn't get flustered. Another of classmantes eased my nervousness by saying, "You're a good presenter, you'll have no problem". Which meant a lot to me from him since he's a great talker.

Overall, I am really happy with how it went. I think we crossed all our T's, dotted all of our I's. Now all that's left is to wait for the marks to come out in August, then I will be a full-fledged accountant! I'm floating on a cloud right now.

Now I just need to find another reason to not go into complete restriction mode with eating. Before the exam I kept telling myself, "you need to eat to stay focused, to get throug the exam" but now that it's over... i don't really have any real reason to keep eating better... especially with IP looming in the near future where I will have to follow a meal plan anyway.

IP in 2 weeks

I'm semi-set to go into the hospital in a couple weeks from now. I tried to push it as far back as I could. My birthday is July 21 and I really don't want to be stuck in there over my birthday, but I think the timing would suck no matter WHEN it happens, so... meh.

This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:

I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.

I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.

A Boost a Day (keeps the doctor away?)

1.5 weeks until my exam.

I've been avoiding all mirrors, finding it hard to get dressed and to leave the house because I feel so terrible. I feel like my whole body jiggles with every step I take, but I'm trying really hard to take a Boost a day like a doctor's prescription, at least until after the exam. There's too much at stake to let the ED take over right now and screw up the exam. I would never forgive myself. Funny thing - the doctor actually wrote me "1 Boost Plus per Day" on a prescription pad to try and cement the idea that it's really like medicine, so not to think of it as calories. Hah.

My train of thought right now is, "Make it through to June 12, pass the exam then you can do whatever you want with your eating." However, my nutritionist challenged me by asking, "what do you REALLY want? When your exam is over do you really want to go back down that path?"

I don't know.

The problem is that I don't remember life pre-ED because the onset of my ED was at age 10. Every part of my life that I remember is entwined with ED memories. I can't look back and pick out the good times without ED because as far as I remember, there are none. Every good memory I have I can still vividly remember the accompanying ED thought... for example... having a great time at Disneyland when I was 11. Along with the memories of Mickey Mouse and the Thunder Mountain Railway roller-coaster I also have memories of the anxiety I felt at Mickey Mouse's breakfast, wondering how much of the mouse-shaped waffle I could eat. How many calories I was burning by walking around the park all day in the scorching heat. Comparing myself to the dancers in the parade and envying their long, skinny bodies.

It would be a HUGE leap of faith for me to leave the ED behind because I don't know what is out there. I have zero frame of reference as to what life could be like. All I know right now is that I feel like a blog but I'm still doing the Boost-a-day. Gaining weight. Trying to not think about gaining weight. Trying to make it OKAY by telling myself I could always reverse all the weight once the exam is over. Oh god... feel so crappy in my body right now... i want this feeling to go away.

Hanging in there until the exam

I am under a ton of stress right now… so I have not been updating much.

There's a HUGE due date coming up - the final report for my Accounting designation.
If I pass this (last year's pass rate was 70%), I will be done done done with school. I will be a full fledged accountant!

I've been doing a bit better with eating…
I've gained a bit of weight - which is driving me crazy because I feel like hiding under a rock because I Feel so ugly all the time now - but I'm trying to rationalize it in my mind by telling myself not to throw away the last 3 years of hard work because of the ED. Just hang on and eat a little better at least until June 12 (the exam). I'm trying to cement that as my priority in my head right now.

… but it's tough when it seems like everyone can see how fat I am. I have a doctor's appointment today at the hospital and maybe with this weight gain I won't have to go into IP…
The problem is that when I gain weight I feel unworthy of treatment so I stop going to appointments. Then when I stop going I slip back into old habits and get myself into trouble. Back and forth, back and forth, spinning my wheels. I think the "cure" would be to be able to still feel worthy of treatment even when I am gaining weight.

People Commenting on your Food

Sorry for the rant, but I had to get this out. I was THISCLOSE to snapping at my overly-friendly-super-nosy-coworker when she came into my office to peek at what I was eating and commented, "Oh, that's nice, you're having a VARIETY of vegetables instead of just lettuce like you usually do." It took so much self control for me to not snap at her and comment back, "Well, while we're on this topic, great job! I noticed that you only had 1 chocolate bar with your coffee today instead of 2! Tee hee".

That is such a huge pet peeve: People commenting on your food.

Whether it's what you are eating or what you are buying at the grocery store or the WAY you are eating it. Just because somebody is skinny does not make it any more okay to comment. You would NEVER say something about the greasiness or fat content of an obese person's meal. People just don't see it the other way around.

Especially when you're trying to keep ANY food down, period, let alone with knowing that other people are keeping an eye on what you're eating. Makes for a pretty awkward situation for me anyways.

Mind your own business you nosy little b-iotches!

Unsure what I really want

It's 4:00 PM. I'm feeling a little sick from not eating. I haven't had a single calorie today, only black coffee so far. I woke up feeling really swollen with water. The skin around my fingers was tight. I had a lot of salt yesterday so I kinda expected this suffering and brought it upon myself. I just like salt way too much for my own good. I pour it on more than liberally.

I'm so mad at myself for being so out of control and weighing so much. For taking up so much space. People don't understand how the love/hate relationship I have with b/p. I can hate it 100% but there are parts that are actually enjoyable, like those few moments where you let yourself taste a forbidden food, just before the reality sinks in that you must throw it up and rinse for an hour until you feel 'clean' and the water runs clear. It's like a drug. I wake up in the morning so full of willpower and zest to break the cycle but as the day goes on my willpower falters and wanes.

Nighttime is the witching hour. It's like some loss of control comes over me or my mind is abducted. It sounds extreme but it's truly how I feel. Then I go to bed, exhausted, and wake up the next morning and the cycle goes on and on, again and again. The words to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" keep coming to mind.

If you want something bad enough, where there's a will there's a way right? Does this mean that I don't *really truly completely* want to stop b/p? I think I do but the fact that it seems near impossible to go one single day without 'engaging in behaviors'... makes me second guess myself.

In some ways recovery from an ED is so much harder than recovery from drugs/alcohol. You can't abstain 100% from food whereas you can "just say no" to drugs or alcohol. Every day, every occasion, every event, you're faced with food. You need to eat SOMETHING to survive. The problem is when that SOMETHING triggers a binge or the feeling of fullness causes so much anxiety. I'm feeling hopeless today.

Call for IP round 2

OMG... the hospital called today and said they have an IP date for me. In 2 weeks. 2 measly effing weeks. Eek... I can't go! How can it be so soon? It's been less than 9 months since I've been out of IP. I'm surviving... sorta...

Why I am having a hard time going:

1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there

2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?

3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.

I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.

3)

Shutdown in Group

My next IP date is coming up… in about 4-6 weeks…
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.

In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.

She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.

I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.

Response to reader comments

This post is mostly in reponse to this post: Thank you for your honesty. I truly want people to be honest in their comments and I want people to be supportive. sometimes support means being brutally honest, but as usual, it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. I know that I am a less than stellar mother (I wholly admit that I'm a terrible mom!) and a not so great person overall. Maybe an ED is a really selfish disorder and maybe that makes ME really selfish too.

Sometimes I secretly wish I didn't have a son. I'm willing to give him to anyone who wants to watch him for a few hours of freedom. I look forward to work because I get some AWAY time from him. I do feel terrible for feeling this way, but I'm going to be honest. There's no use lying or pretending. I feel how I feel.

Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I'm blessed to have such a loving and wonderful boy, but I'm under no delusions that any of this is healthy for him. The incredible push and pull between me and my mother, the intense fighting we engage in does not create a healthy environment. My son asked me the other day, "why does grandma hate you?" It's toxic.

I am not brave enough to kill myself and I'm not sure enough that I truly want to die. Some days I feel like that's the answer to everything but other days I can see a glimmer of light. It's days like those that flicker through my mind, behind my eyelids when I contemplate truly ending it all. I am so fucking indecisive that I can't even decide to die. I guess there are SOME positives to being indecisive. If I were a more impulsive person I would be dead by now. Instead, I live in a semi-alive/semi-dead state of constantly toeing the line between being dead and alive.

I'm afraid of walking this line for the next 40 years, if I live that long. I have no social life, I have no energy, but I'm not "sick enough" to be institutionalized. I'm close, but not quite. This has gotta be the worst place I've ever been. At least if I were "sick enough" I could resign myself to living in a hospital for a good long time, thus abdicating me of all responsibility. I might finally feel free. I'm a fucking mess in the head but I'm "high functioning" which often works against me.

They're smarter than I think

I am THISCLOSE to being certified again.

I have gradually been evading my doctor's appointments. It's such a hassle to make the trek in to see them, often spending more time on the bus to and fro than in the appointment itself. I cancelled a few and when nobody said anything, I cancelled some more. Well, they've noticed now.

I got a phone call today which came loaded with a whole ton of appointments booked far into the future.
"Tia, you MUST see a doctor at least once a week. This is NOT an option. It is MANDATORY and if you do not come in voluntarily we will have to bring you in against your will." (or something along those lines). GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.

Grreeeat. I'm already trying to get the HR people at work off my back. I'm on the "attendance management" program and potentially the "disability management" program for all of the sick time I keep taking to go for appointments. I often think, they must think I’m lying. I mean, I don't 'LOOK' like I have an ED (to me anyway). I get super embarrassed feeling like they might be judging the validity of the reason for my appointments. Worse than that, I'm afraid they might think I’m just trying to skip out of work which is completely not true.

Running away the other day was like another nail in my coffin. Another reason for them not to trust me. I saw my T and while her reaction was indeed disappointment (as I had feared it would be), she still wants to work with me and she still believes in me. Sometimes I think she's the only one.

"There's a difference between giving up on someone and respecting someone's wishes. If you really don't want to recover, you are an adult now and I must respect your wishes - to a point - when it becomes a medical liability, that's a whole other ball game."

Ouch. That statement kinda stung. But… I needed to hear it. I keep wanting someone to save me, to convince me that recovery is worth it, but nobody can do that but me. The truth often is hard to hear.

Running from the doctors

Yesterday I caused a bit of a scene at group.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.

The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".

Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.

I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.

*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.

Out of control - Family gone to NY

**Trigger warning ** Talks about binging and purging and ED behaviors**

I feel like a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend. Queen of the house, able to do anything I want. Or to be as self-destrictive as possible.

My family's gone to New York for 10 days. So, I am home alone (with my son). Ever since they left on Thursday, it's been one big blur of b/p-ing. I have NEVER been so out of control with b/p before mainly because I haven't been able to logistically with someone always at home. They knew I did it but i still tried to do it discreetly. Now, there's no one to keep an eye on me. The house looks like a tornado went through it.

I can't focus on anything other than going from kitchen to bathroom again and again. I hate myself so much right now. The thing is, despite all the food I'm going through, I'm losing weight. I'm a little scared abour my next appointment with my treatment team. I'm afraid to do bloodwork because I'm sure things aren't looking so good on that front right now.

I've made a list of things to do to keep myself occupied - read, journal, watch TV, do homework, bake - to keep my mind off food, but it's NOT WORKING. Outside it's a gorgeous 60 degrees outside (15 deg C) and the sun is shining. I'm cooped up inside with the doors/windows closed and the curtains drawn, wasting food.

In the past 3 days I've gone through (among other things):
-7 bake at home pizzas
-2 A&W Papa Burgers
-2 loaves of white bread toasted with butter and jam
-2 bags chocolate almonds
-1 bag Costco sized salted kettle chips
-1 bag mini Caramilk easter eggs
-Yam Fries and Chipotle Mayo
-Poutine (fries with melted cheese curds and gravy)

I'm seriously hoping that the novelty of being home alone will wear off soon and this will come to an end. I'm getting so physically worn out and mentally, I'm hating myself for becoming this monster that I don't even recognize.

Doctor - confidentiality discussion

I talked to my doctor for 1 hour yesterday. He squeezed me into his busy schedule because I was so upset about the confidentiality thing. He assured me that he, personally, has never shared any of my info and would never do such a thing. He also said that my feelings are definitely valid and he was shocked that his staff would divulge any info. He also said they're going to crack down on training and remind everyone of the importance of NOT sharing info with unauthorized people.

The down side of all this is that my mom refuses to speak to me. She feels that I'm rejecting her because I got so upset about the whole thing. She thinks now the clinic will look at her negatively for asking for the info and she's embarassed about facing them in the future (she goes to the same dr. office as me). For my mom, it's all about appearances and the public's opinion of her. We could be screaming at each other in the car but the moment we get to our destination and there are other people around, it's all rosy and wonderful. The image of a picture perfect family. It drives me nuts. I wish we could just BE REAL and be allowed to be who we are - human.

I don't really have anything else constructive or important to say today. Just an observation and because I'm in a rambling mood.



Everything, including food, has its trends. A few years ago it was all about healthy eating, now it's moving into organic foods and then there's also this wave of nostalgic, high calorie/fat, "Fuck the health food" mindset that seems to glorify artery clogging foods all for the sake of 'whatever tastes good'. This new KFC Double Down sandwich is the perfect example. Instead of a bun it has 2 chicken patties which sandwich bacon and cheese in the middle. First of all, EW!!! Can you imagine even just holding this sandwich with its 2 deep fried chicken patties? Grease galore. Maybe we're going back to the Atkins days of no carbs, lol.



The other trend I cannot understand is BACON. Bacon in desserts and chocolate chip bacon cookies and bacon smores to name a few. My feeling is that people are rebelling against the healthy eating movement and embracing the return of FAT.

Breach of Confidentiality

I am fuming, seething… soooo angry. There aren't even words to describe it. My blood pressure must have just shot through the roof. I have not felt this much emotion in a long time - it hit me so suddenly and now I have a terrible headache.

My mom called my doctor's office to find out about whether or not my Magnesium infusions had been set up with the hospital and they gave her the information over the phone. THEY GAVE HER THE INFORMATION about ME! What the hell happened to privacy laws and patient confidentiality? How the hell do they even know who she is on the phone? It could have be anybody calling. WTF… I am so angry that my information was not protected. I'm probably overreacting but I'm going to follow this through and report it to whatever authorities take care of these things.

My mom called me "the most vengeful person [she] knows". Maybe that is how it appears but those laws were put into place for a reason and all I’m doing is what's within my right as a patient seeking confidentiality.

In this case, I am not a harm to myself or a harm to anyone else so there is no legitimate reason my information should have been disclosed. I'm going to make damn sure it never happens again.

Alone with my ED

5 days until my family leaves for NY and I will be alone - just me and my son. I am so looking forward to it. The space will be truly welcomed as my mom and I fight like cats and dogs all the time.

I fear how out of control my eating disorder could potentially get. No one to watch me or keep me accountable. No one to say, "hey... that's not ok". As it stands, being alone even for 2 hours flicks a switch in my head that screams: Binge/Purge! What more 10 whole days? I know I can look after myself pretty much OK but in the back of my head I think, don't have a heart attack when you're home alone or else what will happen to Zach? (my 3 y/o son). I have a few extra appointments booked in during this time with my T and tx team. The passive agressive side of me wouldn't mind getting really ill while they're gone, sorta like an "eff-you for leaving me."

On the topic of treatment, I'm getting referred to Homewood in Guelph, Ontario, a 2-4 month IP program. It's something like $500/day but I think our basic medical plan might help out a bit depending on the doc's recommendations. I've never paid for treatment (other than individual therapy) before as I've been lucky to access the local & free prograns and hospitals, but now I'm feeling like it's not enough. I would love the chance to go to Renfrew or Remuda but that is WAY too expensive. Maybe I'n just biased because of the HBO documentary "Thin" (2006?) about Renfrew. There's also Mercy Ministries (free, 6 mo. program, locations in USA and Canada) but I'm a little leery because of its Christian focus.

During my OP hospital visit 3 days ago I ran into a friend from my Fall IP stay. She's back in IP. Immediately I felt like shit for not being in IP myself. I must not be thin enough/sick enough why am *I* out here and she's in there. I don't deserve to be healthier than her. Blah blah blah. All these thoughts flying a mile a minute. A touch of envy also flashed in my mind.

Isn't it ironic, I feel like being in an institution would be liberating. What kind of sick and twisted logic is that!? I would welcome the relinquishment of control for a little while, which tells you just how overwhelming my life is.

The World Keeps Spinning

It is so embarrassing going into the lab every week for bloodwork. It's the same girls working there all the time. After > 1 year of doing this, most of them know me. Some of them are the same age as me. I've always hated that part of treatment: the med students and nurses and lab techs who are the same age or younger than me, making me feel even worse about being so stuck in my illness that i'm missing out on life. The longer I stay stuck, the further apart I will feel from the world as everyone continues moving on and growing up. The world won't stop for me to give me a chance to catch up. More and more I've been feeling that maybe I never will. I don't even know where to start. It's so daunting that I hardly dare to try.

It says right on my standing order card: Anorexia Nervosa. Every time I hand that card over I feel like whoever's reading it is going to judge me. ie. she's not skinny enough, how could SHE be anorexic, blah blah blah. They're subtle about it but I can see them inadvertantly giving my body a quick once-over when they read my diagnosis. It's almost like a business card, except instesd of the letters PhD. or M.A. (hah I wish), I have the letters A.N. lol.

Recovery Musings

I’ve never ever been able to really and truly recover. The word RECOVER makes me shudder to begin with. Recover what and from what? I am painfully aware that I can never recover those wasted years where my life was consumed with nothing more than calories and weights and numbers and mirrors? The eating disorder has become so much a part of me that I wonder what is me and what is the disorder. We've been living together for 15 out of 25 years. EDs change you and shape you and I'm sure it will always be there to some degree in my life. It might not be optimistic but I'm being honest when I say that my best hope is for me to be able to ignore the voices that I know will always be there. Being able to bat away the thoughts that flutter like butterflies all the time in my head.

So many of my friends and family members have already retreated and withdrawn their support unintentionally, to protect themselves and because they cannot stand to see me the way I am and continue to be year after year: sick and not getting better. Some friends have severed all connections, refusing to have me in their wedding party, not inviting me out because it's "too painful" for them. Others act like it doesn't exist although it's the elephant in the room.

I'm afraid to admit defeat by going IP again or by telling the truth when people ask "How is recovery going?". I just smile and say everything's fine. Deep down I wonder, what if I fail again? Who else will leave me and who am I going to disappoint? This fear keeps me from trying, keeps me perpetually stuck. If you don't try you can't really fail... or so it goes in my head.

I want to be more than this disorder. I want my son to grow up and be proud of his mother instead of end up abandoning me too when this gets to be too much for him to bear. I don't want him to ever blame himself for me being sick or to shoulder the burden of a sick parent. I want him to remember good times together and not to remember me being too weak and tired to do anything or to depressed to go anywhere with him. If this disorder does kill me I at least want him to see that I fought a good fight and didn't give up.

Failing miserably

The more you try not to think about something, the more you end up thinking about it.
I've been putting so much energy into trying NOT to purge that it ends up being on my mind constantly and I've thus been failing miserably at it.

I feel like such a failure (again) and I cancelled my T appointment 2 days ago because I couldn't face her. I feel like my last T gave up on me after 9 years of working together. She basically said that if I keep going like this I will die from my ED and unless I want to really change there's no point us continuing to work together. It was a huge slap in the face because I in fact DO want to change. I'm not sure I am ready to let go of the restricting part of my ED but I am sure as hell trying to stop the purging part.

Yes, I'm not ready to get 100% better but I'm ready to get a little bit better. I don't want my current T to see me as a hopeless case too. I have been sick for 15 years now, almost 16 years. I can't blame people for thinking I'm a lifer, however, it still stings when people give up on you.

Here's another reason I feel like shit. My ex just moved in with his new girlfriend yesterday. In the meantime, I am still single and nowhere near dating anyone let alone moving in with anyone. I have no desire to be with my ex at all - I think the smartest move I ever made was breaking up with him - but I feel left behind by everyone around me who leads normal lives. In some ways I envy the really sick ED girls who are locked up in institutions because at least they don't have to be present in the world and feel that loneliness of being left behind. Instead they are contained within the safe walls of a hospital, on a very predictable schedule, support 24/7, a place to feel safe in.

Motivated

I've never been more glad to see a Monday morning. The weekend was exhausting. My son was sick and extreeeemely needy.

I woke up this morning with the rejuvinated motivation to stop purging. I've gotten rid of all my binge food and I am not going to buy more. I'm not tempted to stop by the grocery store on the way home, I'm so dead set on stopping this b/p bullshit. I don't know why I'm so hopeful this time but I really feel like this time will be different. Maybe I'm finally truly 100% sick of it. I have always hated myself for doing it but now I'm at the point where it's gotten so bad that even I myself recognize that something has to be done to stop this train wreck. My blood pressure dropped really low over the weekend from dehydration and exhaustion. For practical reasons, I can't keep on flushing money down the toilet - literally -

There are so many reasons why I should stop. The only problem is that the only way to stop purging is to stop eating (at least temporarily). Oh edema, please stay away, you're the LAST thing I need now for my body image or self-perception. If the edema stays away I might at least have a sliver of hope at succeeding.

Today's success: My mom/sis ordered pizza. (Huge trigger food for me). They weren't happy with the pizza so they complained about it and got their money back, but they also got to keep the pizza. They weren't going to eat it, they were going to throw it out. Normally I would have been ALL OVER THAT free food - free PIZZA of all things! But this time I personally gave the pizza away (to hungry co-workers) so I could remove myself from the triggering situation.

When my family is in NYC I will have to be 100% there for my son. No messing around. I can't afford to collapse while they are away because he's only 3. He depends completely on me. In some ways I feel like this is overwhelming. A whole little life is depending on me. I can barely do enough to look after MYSELF, how could I possibly be trusted with someone ELSE?

I'm still totally obsessed with weight loss or rather avoiding weight gain, but if I can do so by just restricting rather than restricting and purging, that's still good right? So says my Tx team. Has anyone else been told that purging (even at a normal weight) is more dangerous than restricting because it's more unpredictable?

NY, ED Group, Mg

A few things that are going on in my life right now:

1) My mom/dad/sister are going to New York at the end of April but I won't be going. Part of me really wants to go and experience what I've heard is an awesome city and a MUST SEE place. But the other part of me is extremely tired even contemplating what it would be like to deal with food/ed stuff while on vacation, trapped with my family in close quarters for 10 days. Last May we went to L.A. and it was pretty stressful. I ended up losing a bunch of weight while on vacation because I didn't have a scale and I was away from my usual routine so of course the ED kicked into high gear. My treatment team strongly recommends that I don't go because of the increased medical coverage I'll need while traveling for my "pre-existing condition" and the fact that there will be nobody monitoring me if I do go away.

I also don't think that it would be much fun (for me or for him) to bring my 3 year old. He has no interest in shopping or museums or plays and since I have to pay full price for another airplane seat for him, it's not worth it. I'd rather save up and take him to Disneyland or something when he's older and would really appreciate it. *I hope that doesn't sound selfish*

2) This week our ED group sessions started up again. There were only 5 girls in the group this time. I almost didn't go (I felt too fat!) but I'm soooo glad I did. I have a feeling it's gonna be a good group and I already feel 'connected' to them. 2 of the girls are going through the same stuck-ness in isolating themselves so that makes me feel a bit better and less alone. I was shocked to find that they'd pretty much all got their "behaviors" under control and the things they wanted to talk about were NOT food related. They had to do with relationships, life, etc. Wow, I wonder when I will get to that stage where the biggest thing on my mind is what I ate/willeat/willnoteat/wanttoeat, etc.

3) Edema has significantly decreased and my lower legs are almost back to normal!!! I need to go into the hospital (sometime soon, not sure when) for 5 days to get Magnesium infusions done to bring those levels back up to normal, then when my bloodwork comes back stable they'll prescribe me something to help keep the edema away and prevent more Mg loss and reduce muscle cramps. I cannot WAIT!!!

Isolation

One thing I've noticed among ED people especially is the tendency to cancel out of plans at the last minute. I am SO guilty of doing this. I make plans with friends the full intention of following them through but then when the day actually rolls around I have the hardest time making myself actually go and meet up with the person. I usually feel too fat/tired/unmotivated/anti-social to actually meet up. One of my resolutions this year has been to STOP ISOLATING myself. Sadly, I suck. I still cancel on people at the last minute and I know that doesn't win me any friends but I can't stop doing it. It's hard to leave the house when you feel so ugly and don't want anyone else to witness your ugliness. I've already lost to many friends because they don't want to "watch me die from this ED" in their words (exaggeration much?) The last thing I need is to do is lose the remaining friends I do have because I've turned into so much of a flake.

The funny thing is that the people I am motivated to go out with are my other ED treatment friends. However, when you get 2 ED'd people together trying to make plans and both people have the tendency to cancel plans at the last minute, it gets pretty much impossible. I want to have a normal life where I can enjoy the company of others without feeling paralyzed by the fear of: what food will be there, what will I eat, how will I not draw attention to what I'm NOT eating, how can I let anyone see me when I feel so fat and unworthy.

I don't want to end up alone - an old crazy lady muttering to herself shut in her dark room, forgotten by the world.

Mean People

I don't get it. Why do people take the time and effort to leave negative and mean comments like this one (left on my livejournal account) in response to my previous post:

"the 25 year olds i know are finishing their doctorate degrees, beginning to support their mothers and fathers financially, and are contemplating purchasing a second home."

It just makes me mad. I sometimes wonder. Are they trying to be helpful or just spiteful? Whatever happened to "constructive" criticism or "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Lynnwood Shopping Trip

This weekend has been so relaxing because my ex has my son overnight, from yesterday morning until tonight. I'm writing this from our hotel room in Lynnwood, WA. This is the first time in a long long time that I've been able to shop, try on clothing, browse in a bookstore, without getting up and running after him or trying to keep him occupied. I feel a little guilty saying how much I'm enjoying myself and the break I'm getting through this new arrangement where my son sleeps over every other weekend at my ex's place.

I talked to my T about what the doctor said about my IP stay and she was shocked too. So, in turn she called the doctor to clarify why she thought that. It had to do with the certification I think and how much resistance I put up. How they had to watch me 24/7 - even moving me to a room that was in the line of vision from the nurse's station - because I kept dumping out my Boost from the ng tube, watering it down, turning it off, etc. I didn't mean to be a brat like that or to make it more difficult for them, I just was so terrified of all the calories they were pumping into me. I don't think IP is EASY for anyone and I don't think it was tougher on me than on the average ED'd person. I'm still hurt that it seems like they think I was being a tough patient on purpose.

Anyways, I have another big day of shopping in the states. I'm so glad our dollar is almost on par with the american one!

"Disastrous" IP

I'm afraid to say too much because I might jinx it but I've been doing a lot better with some of the ED 'behaviors'.

I just had a doctor's appointment at the hospital. I was totally shocked to hear that the doc thought my last IP admission was "disastrous" (her exact word) and I accomplished nothing or close to nothing. Whoa, HARSH! Ok, I admit it was extremely difficult and being certified and having my decision making rights taken away from me was NOT fun but I came around in the end and I was somewhat following a meal plan by the time I was discharged. I thought I did pretty well. Obviously they do not. Hence the OP tube feeding. I wish they trusted me. Maybe I haven't given them a reason to, but to call my admission a "disaster"… it shouldn't bother me but it does. Fuck this. I don't need to be perfect all the time and even in treatment I strive to be a 'good patient'. Well, I failed miserably this time, eh?

She wants us to set specific goals for the next admission so it's more successful.

The most annoying thing about it is that when I tried to ask for clarification about why she thought IP went so badly, she kept saying condescendingly, you're just "not perceiving reality correctly and why don't you work on your cognitive distortions with K (my therapist)". She's writing me off before really listening to me. No matter what I say she won't hear it anyway.

The one semi-good thing about my appointment is that they strongly reccommend that I go on disability and go to a longer *6+ months* treatment program, maybe Mercy Ministries or if I can somehow afford it, Renfrew or Remuda or one of the fancy shmancy private American centres. They've got the disability forms and at least 3 doctors and 2 psychologists backing the reccommendation. However, I feel like others at work would judge me if I did go through with it and go on disability leave because technically I CAN and DO work full-time. Yes, I sometimes fall asleep at my desk and make more mistakes than I should but I still get the job done. DISability = Not able. I am able, just not 100% able. I really need to think this one over.