Crazy feelings

I’m feeling out of control and crazy. I wonder if I will ever be free from the abandonment issues that have plagued me for so long. I have such a good thing right now that I’m terrified to ruin it. I fear that my fears will become self-fulfilling prophecies. I hate this monster inside me that twists everything in my head and leaves me completely confused and lost and empty. I have no good reason to feel abandoned. I get so many emails and texts every day telling me how much he loves and cherishes me. We had a great first Christmas together, but not without a lot of family drama on my side. I’m sad to admit that I have gone back to the old reassurance of self-injury (wrist banging in an effort to ward off the urges to cut). On Christmas Eve I contemplated taking a bottle of sleeping pills to get away from the tension regarding where I would spend Christmas. I don’t want to commit suicide. I want to live, I just want to prove how much distress I am in because words without action are not powerful enough to be noticed. BB managed to talk me out of it by saying, “Please, for me, don’t do this”. My mom was upset that I wanted to spend part of the day with C’s family. She felt betrayed and kept saying, “you’re not even engaged, you’re not married, WE are your family so you should be with us”. I wanted to scream at her, “But I AM married! WE are a family now!” but of course I couldn’t say a thing. It never seems to matter what *I* want. The only time it ever mattered was when I was so skeletal and emaciated that people could visibly see my pain. Or when I was covered in cuts that screamed the truth to people who wouldn’t listen to me otherwise. The fact that he is so reassuring and understanding only makes me feel more guilty. I don’t want to put him through this hell. This is MY hell and nobody else should be subjected to it. I have dealt with it for so many years. I don’t know if it has become a part of me and if I can ever be rid of it. I finally found someone who loves me. I wish I could explain the empty feeling and that it is not HIM. It is Me. Everyone thinks that since I’m not teetering on the edge of death, that things are OK. Instead, with the weight has come a flood of emotions that I simply could not feel before due to starvation. So many times before I have reached this point and then thrown it all away to run back down the ED road. This time is a little different. I have things that I WANT to live for, but the problem is, I don’t know if I know how to fight. It’s never worked before – why would it work now? I’m afraid of all the empty, hollow time after work. There is an old ED part that is starting to get excited about the freedom and time that I would have to b/p. I’m trying to not think about all the places I can stop and get food on the way home. If nothing else, bingeing and purging is a way to fill the time and blank out my thinking for a few hours. At this point I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the voice is telling me – go for it. The biggest difference between this time and all other times is that if I do slip up and lose the one I love, it will be a much harder blow because I have now had the opportunity to taste true HAPPINESS.

I'm Back

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. The circular logic here is that the longer I go without blogging, the more daunting it seems to get back into it because there is so much to catch up on and I don’t know where to begin. So I procrastinate and don’t write for even longer. And so it goes. I used to blog at Diaryland, then at Blogger and now my home is here at WordPress. I have locked up my old blogs because I wasn’t anonymous enough there and people from my “real life” were starting to read and I got a little freaked out. Life has been really crazy. I’ve had more ups and downs in the past year than I have ever had before. BB and I had our wedding ceremony a couple of weekends ago. It was actually our 1 year anniversary since we signed the court marriage papers in 2011 so that we could apply for my Green Card sooner, but only a few people knew that. His parents didn’t even know. The wedding was beautiful and everything I hoped for, but it’s also a relief to have it over and done with. Now that we are officially married, our secret is safe forever (hopefully). We were supposed to have a custody hearing right after the wedding to determine whether or not I could move to the USA with my son to live with my husband, but on the day of the trial it ended up being postponed to June. Another 6 whole months of living like this – living in limbo – not even knowing what country I will be living in. I was expecting this all to be resoved by the end of the year, but now I have to wait another 1/2 year to find out. On the bright side, the judge seemed to side with us since we are only asking to move 1 1/4 hours away, so maybe my ex will be shaken up enough by it to want to settle and agree to let us move. Who knows… I’ve been trying to get his consent to move for the past year with no success, so that is why we’ve finally had to resort to going to court over it. The stress of the relocation case has been wearing at me. I have lost 10 lbs in the past month. Not even ED related, just that I literally have not had an appetite. But I would be lying if I said that I am not pleased with the weight loss and the old anorexic part of my brain jumped with joy.

Wedding and Reception

WE ARE MARRIED!!! Well, for the second time, but this time in front of all our family and friends. We chose this date exactly 1 year from the day we signed the papers at the court house (to get immigration application rolling). It was a perfect day! For a December wedding, the weather was wonderful. Really crisp and cool but the sun shone all day. We had family from BC, Whidbey Island, Port Angeles, and all over Washington. 80 guests - mostly all family. Kids were invited of course, and my son was our ring bearer. Most people don't know that we actually were married 1 year ago. I think that is a secret we will end up taking to the grave with us. It would hurt them more if they knew we eloped, so we don't need to tell them. When enough years have passed, nobody will remember the year anyway except for us.