Email from my old T

It has been an incredibly hard past few days. My former therapist who I saw from age 15 to 26 emailed me just before Christmas. She saw an old Christmas card I gave her and wanted to say hi to me and see how things are going. Hearing from her brought up all kinds of emotions. Happy that she remembered me, but then the intense sadness hit me.

As I am slowly (or not so slowly) slipping down the ED path again, she's been on my mind a lot even before she contacted me. I still hear her voice, picture what she would be saying to me if I were still seeing her. I want so much to see her again but it is just impossible. I live in the US now. She is in Canada. It hurts like hell to know that there's no going back. She knew me like no one else. She basically saw me grow from a teenager to an adult and was there through it all. I didn't have to explain things... she just "knew" them because she knew me so well. It's a HUGE loss to say goodbye to that. How can I ever replace her with a new therapist after all I've been through with her.

It feels like that door is slammed shut and I'm out in the cold. Literally, in a new country, new city, no support systems at all and no ties to my old supports. No accountability. I could keep starving, keep purging, nobody would know. Nobody would say anything or try to stop me here and that is scary because I can't be trusted to stop myself.

What I regret the most about therapy is that I was SO STUPID when I made the choice to abruptly stop seeing her in 2010. I had gained some weight after 2 mandatory hospitalizations and I felt disgusting and unworthy of seeing her, so I just stopped going. The ED voice told me that she only cared because I was medically unstable, but deep down I knew it wasn't true and that she did care for me. I just couldn't battle the ED thinking enough at that time. I felt fat and unworthy.

I wish I could go back and change that decision. We still had so much work to be done. Maybe if I had put the work in back then I wouldn't be here now, going down the same destructive path and chasing the same thinness god. I kept relapsing the whole 11 years we worked together. Revolving door of treatment and IP. Up and down, up and down, putting the focus on the symptoms and never getting to the TRUE underlying issues, never fixing the real problem. But that's my fault for always defaulting to starving and using the ED to cope rather than facing the pain and allowing her to help me work through it. I was so stupid. I wasted our time together, and now we are out of time entirely. I have lost her and there's no getting her back.

It hurts so much to regret things that you can't change. I feel so alone.

Losing Streak

I don't remember ever losing weight this easily before... In 6 weeks I have lost close to 20 lbs. It doesn't feel like a lot, but when you look at that number - 20 pounds of weight loss - it does seem significant. Unfortunately it has slowed down now and I have been stuck (plus or minus half a pound) for 4 days.

I don't feel tired or weak or cranky. My body is cooperating for once, but I do worry about the urges to purge more frequently now. I did it 2x this week... no binging just purging after eating "too much" or feeling the food weighing me down. I know it is ridiculous to purge Brussel sprouts, but that was one of the times this week. I have GOT TO keep the purging under control. I can't afford to lose potassium and get super sick, I just can't.