Over the weekend my BMI dropped below 18.5. I know that is still nowhere near worrisome weight territory, but it is a milestone of sorts for me in my warped mind.
Went for my annual physical on Friday. BP was low, I have orthostatic hypotension (no surprise there), low blood sugar, and potassium was low, vitamin D is low. On the plus side, cholesterol levels are great! I am slightly freaked about the potassium, mostly because of previous experiences with TERRIBLE muscle cramps in my legs that would come on with zero warning. The thing is, I am not purging these days. I did it once 2 weeks ago (no binge, just purged when I felt I ate too much). I haven't been purging, so how is my Potassium low!? I eat lots of mushrooms, broccoli, things that are potassium rich... I do not take laxatives or diuretics either.
Knowing my extensive ED history, she wants me to come in every 2 weeks and to start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure about the biweekly doctor visits, but I do agree seeing a T would be really useful. I am just overwhelmed with the list of therapists she gave me. How do you even start choosing someone from a list of over 10!!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Down 9
It has been 3 weeks since I started logging everything I eat on www.caloriecount.com. It started at 1500 cals per day but then became 1200, then 1000, now it is closer to 700. Back to weighing myself daily. Down 9 lbs in 3 weeks. It is hard not to feel elated that I can still "do this". My BMI is a hair over 18.5, which means I am still "normal" so nothing to worry about, right?
It is a little scary how quickly old habits can come back hard. And fast. I don't know where I want to take this.
1) I can either lose a little bit more, just hover under the normal weight range but still be relatively healthy.
2) I can keep pushing hard, keep losing and see how much my body can take, but the thing is I do not want to die. I can't die. I have a son who needs me.
3) Or I can stop now, but this option does not appeal to me. I have been too well acquainted with food restriction and semi-starvation for so many years that THIS is what comfort feels like to me. It feels like coming home.
One thing I know for sure is I do NOT want to get into a b/p cycle. That was an awful low in my life and I will do whatever I can to never go back to purging.
It is a little scary how quickly old habits can come back hard. And fast. I don't know where I want to take this.
1) I can either lose a little bit more, just hover under the normal weight range but still be relatively healthy.
2) I can keep pushing hard, keep losing and see how much my body can take, but the thing is I do not want to die. I can't die. I have a son who needs me.
3) Or I can stop now, but this option does not appeal to me. I have been too well acquainted with food restriction and semi-starvation for so many years that THIS is what comfort feels like to me. It feels like coming home.
One thing I know for sure is I do NOT want to get into a b/p cycle. That was an awful low in my life and I will do whatever I can to never go back to purging.
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