Half the year is already gone. Only 1/2 of 2010 is left...and it's Canada Day tomorrow! Holidays and unstructured time in general makes me nervous. I don't like all that free time - it just means more time for me to get into trouble by ruminating about things in my head. Especially now without school to occupy my time, things get pretty dark and negative pretty quickly if I'm left with extra mental space.
I get panicky thinking about how much I haven't done, how fast time is going... I just try not thinking about that because it's one of those things that is out of my control. I have been trying really hard to distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't and not to dwell on those that I can't control because it will drive me nuts.
Today my vision kept going blurry when I was staring at the computer at work. I had such a terrble head ache. The floor kept spinning up at me. Every day it's a battle in my head - my body is saying one thing - screaming at me that I need to feed it more - but my head is screaming that I'm too fat and the number on the scale invalidates me as a person. No matter how many muscle cramps, head spins, dizzy spells, my mind still wins out, convincing me that I'm faking it. This isn't real. It can't be with the fatness on my body...
Fat. I wish the word didn't exist.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Blackberry Girl
I have joined the Blackberry Army, lol.
As a present for myself for
1) finishing school
2) being p-free for 2 weeks
I got a new Bold 9700 in white. I love it! So anybody wanna BBM me? :)
On the eating side, I managed to postpone IP until after my accounting final exam so I think I will be going in early July. However, at this time I really think I'm doing better than I have in over a year. I'm not purging anymore - 2 weeks - yes I said that already but I'm just so thrilled! Edema is gone and now I know my "real" weight since I'm not in a constant state of dehydrating myself from purging.
I have lost a few pounds but at this point I think it's innocent and just because I got rid of the edema water. I'm not too worried about it but tx team gets freaked out about any weight loss at all. I'm looking forward to the summer and playing with my new BB! I don't want to lose 1/2 my summer being stuck in the prison walls of the hospital.
But now I'm off to play with my new phone :)
As a present for myself for
1) finishing school
2) being p-free for 2 weeks
I got a new Bold 9700 in white. I love it! So anybody wanna BBM me? :)
On the eating side, I managed to postpone IP until after my accounting final exam so I think I will be going in early July. However, at this time I really think I'm doing better than I have in over a year. I'm not purging anymore - 2 weeks - yes I said that already but I'm just so thrilled! Edema is gone and now I know my "real" weight since I'm not in a constant state of dehydrating myself from purging.
I have lost a few pounds but at this point I think it's innocent and just because I got rid of the edema water. I'm not too worried about it but tx team gets freaked out about any weight loss at all. I'm looking forward to the summer and playing with my new BB! I don't want to lose 1/2 my summer being stuck in the prison walls of the hospital.
But now I'm off to play with my new phone :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The exam is over! I'm almost a CMA!
This is it: our CMA board report "exam" was over on Saturday, Jun 12!!! I am done with school now (unless I pursue an MBA... which I'm kind of leaning towards doing, maybe just because I'm afraid NOT to be in school).
The board report was a presentation, kind of like a thesis defense. This date has been etched into my mind for the past few months. We either fail as a group or pass as a group. I think this is a major flaw of the CMA program – you could potentially have a weak group member get a free ride to getting their designation. There should be some way of evaluating other group members and having that count for something, even 10%. It would make everyone accountable and give more of a push towards equal contribution. If I were to rate our group though, I would say everyone contributed pretty equally.
Our presentation was scheduled for 11:45 on Saturday. I wasn't nervous this morning or on the bus but the moment I arrived I started getting really jittery. One of my group members commented that you could see the nervousness on my face. We all decided not to practice this morning so we wouldn't get flustered. Another of classmantes eased my nervousness by saying, "You're a good presenter, you'll have no problem". Which meant a lot to me from him since he's a great talker.
Overall, I am really happy with how it went. I think we crossed all our T's, dotted all of our I's. Now all that's left is to wait for the marks to come out in August, then I will be a full-fledged accountant! I'm floating on a cloud right now.
Now I just need to find another reason to not go into complete restriction mode with eating. Before the exam I kept telling myself, "you need to eat to stay focused, to get throug the exam" but now that it's over... i don't really have any real reason to keep eating better... especially with IP looming in the near future where I will have to follow a meal plan anyway.
The board report was a presentation, kind of like a thesis defense. This date has been etched into my mind for the past few months. We either fail as a group or pass as a group. I think this is a major flaw of the CMA program – you could potentially have a weak group member get a free ride to getting their designation. There should be some way of evaluating other group members and having that count for something, even 10%. It would make everyone accountable and give more of a push towards equal contribution. If I were to rate our group though, I would say everyone contributed pretty equally.
Our presentation was scheduled for 11:45 on Saturday. I wasn't nervous this morning or on the bus but the moment I arrived I started getting really jittery. One of my group members commented that you could see the nervousness on my face. We all decided not to practice this morning so we wouldn't get flustered. Another of classmantes eased my nervousness by saying, "You're a good presenter, you'll have no problem". Which meant a lot to me from him since he's a great talker.
Overall, I am really happy with how it went. I think we crossed all our T's, dotted all of our I's. Now all that's left is to wait for the marks to come out in August, then I will be a full-fledged accountant! I'm floating on a cloud right now.
Now I just need to find another reason to not go into complete restriction mode with eating. Before the exam I kept telling myself, "you need to eat to stay focused, to get throug the exam" but now that it's over... i don't really have any real reason to keep eating better... especially with IP looming in the near future where I will have to follow a meal plan anyway.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
IP in 2 weeks
I'm semi-set to go into the hospital in a couple weeks from now. I tried to push it as far back as I could. My birthday is July 21 and I really don't want to be stuck in there over my birthday, but I think the timing would suck no matter WHEN it happens, so... meh.
This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:
I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.
I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.
This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:
I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.
I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A Boost a Day (keeps the doctor away?)
1.5 weeks until my exam.
I've been avoiding all mirrors, finding it hard to get dressed and to leave the house because I feel so terrible. I feel like my whole body jiggles with every step I take, but I'm trying really hard to take a Boost a day like a doctor's prescription, at least until after the exam. There's too much at stake to let the ED take over right now and screw up the exam. I would never forgive myself. Funny thing - the doctor actually wrote me "1 Boost Plus per Day" on a prescription pad to try and cement the idea that it's really like medicine, so not to think of it as calories. Hah.
My train of thought right now is, "Make it through to June 12, pass the exam then you can do whatever you want with your eating." However, my nutritionist challenged me by asking, "what do you REALLY want? When your exam is over do you really want to go back down that path?"
I don't know.
The problem is that I don't remember life pre-ED because the onset of my ED was at age 10. Every part of my life that I remember is entwined with ED memories. I can't look back and pick out the good times without ED because as far as I remember, there are none. Every good memory I have I can still vividly remember the accompanying ED thought... for example... having a great time at Disneyland when I was 11. Along with the memories of Mickey Mouse and the Thunder Mountain Railway roller-coaster I also have memories of the anxiety I felt at Mickey Mouse's breakfast, wondering how much of the mouse-shaped waffle I could eat. How many calories I was burning by walking around the park all day in the scorching heat. Comparing myself to the dancers in the parade and envying their long, skinny bodies.
It would be a HUGE leap of faith for me to leave the ED behind because I don't know what is out there. I have zero frame of reference as to what life could be like. All I know right now is that I feel like a blog but I'm still doing the Boost-a-day. Gaining weight. Trying to not think about gaining weight. Trying to make it OKAY by telling myself I could always reverse all the weight once the exam is over. Oh god... feel so crappy in my body right now... i want this feeling to go away.
I've been avoiding all mirrors, finding it hard to get dressed and to leave the house because I feel so terrible. I feel like my whole body jiggles with every step I take, but I'm trying really hard to take a Boost a day like a doctor's prescription, at least until after the exam. There's too much at stake to let the ED take over right now and screw up the exam. I would never forgive myself. Funny thing - the doctor actually wrote me "1 Boost Plus per Day" on a prescription pad to try and cement the idea that it's really like medicine, so not to think of it as calories. Hah.
My train of thought right now is, "Make it through to June 12, pass the exam then you can do whatever you want with your eating." However, my nutritionist challenged me by asking, "what do you REALLY want? When your exam is over do you really want to go back down that path?"
I don't know.
The problem is that I don't remember life pre-ED because the onset of my ED was at age 10. Every part of my life that I remember is entwined with ED memories. I can't look back and pick out the good times without ED because as far as I remember, there are none. Every good memory I have I can still vividly remember the accompanying ED thought... for example... having a great time at Disneyland when I was 11. Along with the memories of Mickey Mouse and the Thunder Mountain Railway roller-coaster I also have memories of the anxiety I felt at Mickey Mouse's breakfast, wondering how much of the mouse-shaped waffle I could eat. How many calories I was burning by walking around the park all day in the scorching heat. Comparing myself to the dancers in the parade and envying their long, skinny bodies.
It would be a HUGE leap of faith for me to leave the ED behind because I don't know what is out there. I have zero frame of reference as to what life could be like. All I know right now is that I feel like a blog but I'm still doing the Boost-a-day. Gaining weight. Trying to not think about gaining weight. Trying to make it OKAY by telling myself I could always reverse all the weight once the exam is over. Oh god... feel so crappy in my body right now... i want this feeling to go away.
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