Potluck

We have a potluck today at work.

My anxiety is rising rapidly. No matter what I do I end up drawing attention to myself.
1) Don't go - everyone will wonder where I am and why I'm not going. They will also think I'm antisocial.
2) Go and don't eat - this is just plain WEIRD and will be the most awkward
3) Go and pretend to eat, push food around my plate - people always look at what I am eating/not eating. I think it's just part of ED territory. People are curious and pretend to look while they are actually looking.

I wish I had an Ativan right now.

Bored

I don't know what to do with myself. I slept in until 3pm today, I feel disgusting. My fingers and legs are swollen with water, I feel bloated, etc. I haven't eaten anything today and yet I feel so full I want to purge. But even *I* know it would be stupid to purge black coffee and diet pop. I feel so disgusting.

I'm bored, I don't know to do with my time. I've exhausted surfing the internet, I've done a bunch of crossword puzzles today already, I don't feel like reading (makes me too tired and makes me fall asleep). It's only 9:30 PM right now. I have lots more hours to go before bedtime but this only depresses me. I have no purpose in life. Boredom leads to trouble in my world. Because I start looking for ways to fill the time. Unhealthy ways. This is stupid stupid stupid.

at a loss.

I am at a loss as to what to do.
It's so tiring to keep fighting ed all day long and at night go on auto-pilot and screw up any small successes i might have had during the day.
the past month i have not been updating here because all i have to show for the past time is a string of failures.

I have resigned myself (temporarily I hope) to the fact that ed rules. After IP I fought hard. Really, truly hard. I hung onto drinking Boost daily for a good long time. And then it eroded away little by little and as my body lost strength, so did my ability to fight for health.

The rest of my life has been going downhill too: restructuring at work, custody stuff, housing stuff, friendships and relationships. I have very little going for me right now. At least work, my job, used to keep me going and keep me motivated. However, now nothing seems to be able to penetrate my numbness.

Life is messy

When you recover from an eating disorder, stopping the behaviour is just the beginning. It’s only when you’re truly healthy that you realize how much damage it has done to your life. You might have isolated yourself from everyone around you, derailed various aspects of your life (work, education), screwed up your health, etc. You probably have absolutely no idea of how to deal with stress other than by using that behaviour – and suddenly you are facing a huge amount of stress, stripped bare of your resources. There are the practicalities of life to sort out and relationships to repair, pain to live with, anxiety or depression to stave off.

It’s really fucking hard being stuck in the middle and wondering if a) things will ever get better and b) if you can survive until they do without going crazy. Sometimes the ed seems like the lesser of two evils.

I keep coming back to the question - is this really worth the effort? My health is better, in that I’m not going to collapse any time soon. But my mind and my life are a lot messier.