Uneventful C-Mas

It's been a blur the past week.
Spent a day in hospital stabilizing stuff, but got to spend C-Mas at home. IT was fun watching my son opening all his gifts and getting so excited about all his toys. It almost made me "feel something" instead of feeling numb like I do 99.9% of the time. I almost felt human. Able to feel, when normally I am unable to feel. The past 2 years at least - feelings have eluded me.

I'm facing a few options regarding tube feeds right now:
1) Take 1 day off work per week to go in for tube feeding. THis would deplete my vacation bank REALLY quickly and I'd also feel totally useless sitting in a hospital bed when I could really be working (or doing something ELSE) and running the feed at the same time.

2) Do night tube feeds. But then I would have to have a tube in my face all the time and it would be totally undoubtedly obvious and in your face to everyone I meet. I'm OK with people at work because they know I've been hospitalized several time in the past while so it's no secret there. I still fear judgement a little bit by my acquaintances or distant co-workers. Because face it, people like to gossip...

3) Getting a PEG tube put in. This one seems pretty drastic and I was quite frankly, SHOCKED that my gp suggested it. I don't think I'm "THAT BAD" to warrant such a thing! But he's leaning to this alternative because it solves both problems - I can to the tube feeds and go to work at the same time AND it's not totally obvious or offensive since it's concealed under your clothes.

I dunno - anyone have any experiences with OP tube feeds or G tubes?
Help me out... I've gotta decide or at least put my 2 cents in if they'll let me.

On a different note, I tried on clothes @ H & M today. I wanted to try and put things in perspective, so I tried on some kids clothing. I couldn't belive it when the size 11-12 kids jeans were too loose on me. They were short but the legs and waist were actually LOOSE! What an effing mess. My head is so fucked up right now, I'm even finding it hard to believe the black and white evidence that I'm smaller than the normal person. My head keeps telling me - they just make kids sizes bigger these days - which is probably partly also true, but my rational mind is battling my irrational ED mind. The battlefield is my body and my sanity.

gp

I booked an appt with my gp today - in a couple hrs. I feel like utter shit. I am off work today until friday. That's way too long. I cannot self regulate. I will b p every spare moment I get. my chest hurts snd I am a zombie. I'm afraid of the holidays when everything is closed. I don't know what I am seeing him for. Part of me wants him to admit me today - save me from me. But then I hear the voice telling me if I see him and get tubed I will get fat. And why should I see him? If he doesn't call me then all is well... Fly under the radar... I'm so lost.

Can you ever go back?

Do you think this is true?
"Once you know how to purge it's nearly impossible to stop."

This statement is so true to my life. It's too easy to get rid of food this way. It's so tempting because it's so easy. If I am left alone with food in my stomach and even the smallest window of opportunity to purge, I feel compelled to empty myself of it. I cannot allow it to sit in me.

I had [another] intake/assessment appointment for another ED program. It's always the same thing: How long have you been ED'd [started 16 years ago], why do you think it started [i have no idea. i read a book about anorexia and thought i should try it. No, REALLY. It seems superficial but even after years of therapy and psychoanalysis, that's all I can come up with. Isn't that fucked?], Do you want to recover? [I don't know. I can't imagine a life being fatter than now. I know I'm living on the "razor's edge". I'm stuck between being healthy enough to live my life fully and being sick enough to be permamently hospitalized. So, I bounce in and out of the hospital and this keeps me in a constant state of limbo, unable to plan for the future beyond my next admission. It keeps me from travelling, from getting a new job, from moving out of my parent's house, from being a good mother].

I went to a Mercy Ministries fundraiser/Christmas women's get together at my mom's church. I was a little skeptical about going and only went to humor my mom, but I actually found it really good. My mom is close with the pastor's wife and so, we sat at her table and were introduced to the MM director and intake coordinator. I got to ask a bunch of questions about their program and I'm contemplating doing it. It's a huge commitment = 6 months. But the house is beautiful and the people seem really caring. While we were sitting at the tables watching a video on Mercy Ministries, I had to try and detach myself, dissociate myself. I was too afraid I would break down. I can't explain what I was feeling - like some feeling of warmth or caring or being understood was penetrating the glass shield I have over my emotions and it was scaring me. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away, tried not to listen to the video. I guess it got to me because I could see how much love there was for those girls in the house. The closeness between them and their joy. And it made me feel empty.

Validation

It's pathetic how my self worth is wholly dependant on people's perceptions of me. For example, I went to the bank and my financial planner said, "You've lost a lot of weight, haven't you? Are you OK?" To which I responded nonchalantly, "Oh, really? I didn't even notice, must be all the stress and running around with a toddler. Ha ha."

Yet inside I was jumping for joy. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds that when they actually make comments and *notice* that you've lost weight, it means it must have been pretty significant.

I'm doing pre-care again for my next IP admission. I'm looking at buying an apartment in the near future and trying to be more independant. It's getting confusing for my son to get stuck between me and my mom and all of our drama. Our relationship has always been strained and now it's even worse because of the confusion it causes between who's grandma and who's mom. My mother has always been overly protective and "enmeshed" and overinvolved. Even as adults, she doesn't seem to trust me and my sister.

I've gotta stop putting my life on hold "just in case I get sick". I haven't been applying for jobs because I'm never sure if I'll need to take a chunk of time off to be in the hospital. I have been living at home for the same reason. I think it's time to jump - that leap of faith - and hope it's for the better.

Bunny

I adopted a baby (8 wks old) bunny! He (I think it's male, but could be wrong...) is so cute and so so friendly too. He's running around my room right now, exploring and hopping and coming up to me every few minutes to give me a little nose nudge or sit on my lap. Bunnies are sooooo cute!!! I used to have guinea pigs and hamsters but rabbits are way more interactive. I let my son name bunny. He picked the name "Fluffy" and is sticking to his guns on that name, so Fluffy it is. My next goal is to litter train him.




The funny thing is, I never intended to adopt a bunny. I just happened to come across an ad on Craigslist for free bunnies, then I remembered the old guinea pig cage I had. When people give up free animals online it worries me a little. I wonder how many of those bunnies will become snake-food or hunting targets for people training their dogs :( It makes me really sad. At least I saved ONE bunny, and that bunny is going to have an awesome home with me n Zach.

Some people think I'm nuts, taking on MORE responsability by getting a pet, but I think it's the opposite. It's giving me more reason to live and to fight - because there are people and animals counting on me.