Yet inside I was jumping for joy. People are so wrapped up in their own worlds that when they actually make comments and *notice* that you've lost weight, it means it must have been pretty significant.
I'm doing pre-care again for my next IP admission. I'm looking at buying an apartment in the near future and trying to be more independant. It's getting confusing for my son to get stuck between me and my mom and all of our drama. Our relationship has always been strained and now it's even worse because of the confusion it causes between who's grandma and who's mom. My mother has always been overly protective and "enmeshed" and overinvolved. Even as adults, she doesn't seem to trust me and my sister.
I've gotta stop putting my life on hold "just in case I get sick". I haven't been applying for jobs because I'm never sure if I'll need to take a chunk of time off to be in the hospital. I have been living at home for the same reason. I think it's time to jump - that leap of faith - and hope it's for the better.
Hi Tia,
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while... and I'm procrastinating when I should be studying right now, but I feel so out of touch with the world lately (stupid school) and wanted to TRY to catch up a bit. I think it's a great idea for you to be looking at apartments/condos/moving out etc. I know it may seem like a HUGE step to take (it kind of is) but in the long run, I bet it'd be really good for you. You already sound fully independent to me though. Seriously, you live at home with your parents, but other than the fact that you live with them, you seem to pretty much do everything on your own anyway. As Zach gets closer and closer to the age where he'll spend more time in school, it would probably make it easier for you to be gone at work during the day since it would mean fewer hours of having someone watch him during the day. I really think that some of the negativity you have to deal with from your mother must make things harder on you -- and that's the last thing you need. Because she also tries to play such a big role in your sister's life, I'd tend to think this is more of her problem and way of dealing with things, if anything, and you should never blame yourself for the disagreements the two of you have (if anything you'd have to blame both of you... though a lot of times from what you write here, it seems like she's the one with the problem). I tend to think that if you lived on your own, it might actually improve your relationship with your mother. She wouldn't be there to criticize you, you could separate yourself from her negativity and she might come to cherish the time you spend together more. I think it's great that you're looking to move out, but at the same time, not jumping into anything too quickly -- because it's good to make such a big decision slowly so that you can be confident about it.
I hope that your holiday season has been good so far :) It sounds like you've been working really hard to stay healthy, it would be really hard for me, I think, to go to something like a pre-IP care because I think so black and white -- like either I need IP or I don't would run through my mind. But I'm really inspired by how strong you are, as always.
I hope life is treating you well, take care!!
xoxo ~Kris