"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
I was so sad to say goodbye to my son. Going IP I will not see him much and right now he's with his dad for this week anyway. I'm glad he's not around and I am really hesistant having him visit me in the hospital because of all the machines, tubes, IV's, etc. He's older this time (3.5 yrs) and he will remember more. I don't want him to be exposed to all that right now. I want to protect his innocence.
I feel bad putting my mom and family in such a bind having to juggle their own full time jobs and commitments to watch my son while I am doing nothing more than sitting around in a hospital and struggling through each meal. It sounds so silly, mundane and PATHETIC that someone would reduce their life to eating vs. not eating. There is a whole world out there yet tons of girls (including me) choose not to experience it because thinness is more important.
What a stupid way to think. But it's the only way I know. And what you know is safer than what you don't know.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
"Are you who you want to be?"
"This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be."
This song by Switchfoot makes me want to cry. If I were capable of crying, the tears would be streaking down my face, but I have not been able to cry for a few years now. It's like my feelings are disconnected from my body. I can say "I feel sad" and logically know that I am sad but I don't truly feel anything in my soul. Everything is stuck in my head. I want more than anything to be able to touch those feelings on a deeper level.
I have wasted so many years being focused on eating/not eating. Eating Disordered thinking. I have not been the mom that I should have and could have been to Zach. I am most definitely not who I want to be or expected to be and yet I feel stuck and powerless to change.
When I look into the future I get depressed because of all the wasted years and unfulfilled potential. I wonder,
"How can I accomplish anything worthwhile when I can't even do the simplest of things that comes so normally to most of the population: EAT."
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be."
This song by Switchfoot makes me want to cry. If I were capable of crying, the tears would be streaking down my face, but I have not been able to cry for a few years now. It's like my feelings are disconnected from my body. I can say "I feel sad" and logically know that I am sad but I don't truly feel anything in my soul. Everything is stuck in my head. I want more than anything to be able to touch those feelings on a deeper level.
I have wasted so many years being focused on eating/not eating. Eating Disordered thinking. I have not been the mom that I should have and could have been to Zach. I am most definitely not who I want to be or expected to be and yet I feel stuck and powerless to change.
When I look into the future I get depressed because of all the wasted years and unfulfilled potential. I wonder,
"How can I accomplish anything worthwhile when I can't even do the simplest of things that comes so normally to most of the population: EAT."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
why my self esteem is zero
I have this underlying feeling that my mother disapproves of me. It was my birthday on the 21st and all she barely said a word to me except to remind me what a hard labor she had with me.
Nothing I do is ever right. This is just thr tip of the iceberg:
I don't clean right, I am too lazy, I am not sociable enough, I'm not married yet, I am not virtuous enough, I'm not a good enough christian, I am not appreciative enough... In a nutshell I am a bad person and an even worse daughter.
Now that I've been cast in this negative light I can do no good. Period. Her outlook towards me is shitty now and it feels like there's no hope of redemption. Then again I don't know if I really want to be "redeemed". I don't know if I truly want to be the person she wants me to be. I want to be ME - whoever that is. I am so busy always trying to draw the boundary against what she wants me to do that somewhere along the way I lost who *I* want to be.
Here's the kicker. Today we were talking about Zach and I commented on some similarity between us.
Me: he's just like me!
My mom: oh god, I hope not.
She said that without an ounce of humor. She was dead serious. Thanks mom. Now I feel even more worthless.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Nothing I do is ever right. This is just thr tip of the iceberg:
I don't clean right, I am too lazy, I am not sociable enough, I'm not married yet, I am not virtuous enough, I'm not a good enough christian, I am not appreciative enough... In a nutshell I am a bad person and an even worse daughter.
Now that I've been cast in this negative light I can do no good. Period. Her outlook towards me is shitty now and it feels like there's no hope of redemption. Then again I don't know if I really want to be "redeemed". I don't know if I truly want to be the person she wants me to be. I want to be ME - whoever that is. I am so busy always trying to draw the boundary against what she wants me to do that somewhere along the way I lost who *I* want to be.
Here's the kicker. Today we were talking about Zach and I commented on some similarity between us.
Me: he's just like me!
My mom: oh god, I hope not.
She said that without an ounce of humor. She was dead serious. Thanks mom. Now I feel even more worthless.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Monday, July 19, 2010
Fat day
Today is a fat day. I look at myself in disgust. How can others who are normal sized or bigger be happy. They look so content and they allow themselves to be happy even at a normal weight. This kind of thinking is so foreign to me. I wonder what it is like not to hinge your entire existence on weight.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Social Anxiety
I wonder if social situations make me anxious because of the ED or if I would be nervous regardless of ED. I wonder if I hide behind this disorder to avoid being in these situations. I used to be able to fake it, nobody could tell that I was uncomfortable because I hid behind the alcohol at social gatherings. I counted on everyone else getting drunk and therefore their vision/perception/memory being blurred. I also used my cheap-drunkenness to dull my jittery nerves.
I have not had alcohol for almost 4 years now. My son is 3 1/2. I (obviously) didn't drink when I was pregnant and then even after having him I didn't drink much. They I started down the weight loss path and ever since then I have been terrified of liquid calories, including alcohol calories. I wish I were normal enough to still be able to rationalize in my head keeping down the 67 cals in a shot of rum or vodka. Not letting it freak me out. Then I could calm my nerves and maybe even enjoy myself.
It's my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner & Drinks at a bar. I have been trying to psych myself up into going. I know I have to go out of obligation and I want to go too. I want to enjoy myself but it's 24 hours before the celebration and I *already* feel the apprehension of dealing with people, smiling on the outside when all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed. I feel like such a loser.
I know that some people who are going tomorrow are going to be curious about me, about the hospital, about what I look like in person now since it's been a few years since I've seen them (outside of Facebook). A lot of this is probably in my head, but I also feel like a bug under a microscope. Will I measure up? Will I be thin enough? healthy enough? acceptable?
I have not had alcohol for almost 4 years now. My son is 3 1/2. I (obviously) didn't drink when I was pregnant and then even after having him I didn't drink much. They I started down the weight loss path and ever since then I have been terrified of liquid calories, including alcohol calories. I wish I were normal enough to still be able to rationalize in my head keeping down the 67 cals in a shot of rum or vodka. Not letting it freak me out. Then I could calm my nerves and maybe even enjoy myself.
It's my best friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Dinner & Drinks at a bar. I have been trying to psych myself up into going. I know I have to go out of obligation and I want to go too. I want to enjoy myself but it's 24 hours before the celebration and I *already* feel the apprehension of dealing with people, smiling on the outside when all I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed. I feel like such a loser.
I know that some people who are going tomorrow are going to be curious about me, about the hospital, about what I look like in person now since it's been a few years since I've seen them (outside of Facebook). A lot of this is probably in my head, but I also feel like a bug under a microscope. Will I measure up? Will I be thin enough? healthy enough? acceptable?
Friday, July 9, 2010
Say no to sin
I feel extremely panicky, misunderstood, pushed to the edge. I feel like I'm flailing about, trying to anchor myself to something. My T is not working today, I don't talk to friends about stuff like this, I wish I were a stronger person who could kill herself. I'm not 'gutsy' enough to follow through on it but I often wish I were. I have nowhere to go, not even in my head, there is no peace for me.
I hate my mother. It sounds harsh and terrible but she is the single biggest barrier to recovery in my life. She frustrates me more than anyone else in the entire world and I have never felt so strongly negative about anyone as I feel towards her.
I have been trying to take some steps forward with not purging. Yesterday I slipped. I only purged 2x this week. ONLY 2 times. Isn't that fantastic? Shouldn't that be something to be applauded? I fucking think so. Instead, my mom decided to call me at work and focus on the one slip last night and how she doesn't want to see that happen EVER. Like I should just be able to stop because she's dealt with this for enough years now. I tried to stay calm and tell her, yes I slipped but look at how much I've improved in huge leaps and bounds -
I've tried the alcoholisim/drug analogy to explain that you can't snap your fingers and get better just like that. But she says, celebrities go into rehab and come out a few months later and put all that behind them. WHY CAN'T YOU do the same?
In her eyes it's so more OK for me to just starve than to purge because purging is grosser. She doesn't understand that they're the same thing = coping mechanisms. She started quoting her pastor, "This is just a temptation, use your will power to turn away from sin. It's a choice." I'm sorry to anyone who is religious but that is a fucking load of bullshit. "Say no to sin". If I weren't so overwhelmed and frustrated right now I would find this funny. If it were a choice and if it were as simple as that, there wouldn't be a need for IP or Treatment Centres or any of that stuff.
She also said, "didn't you have a good day yesterday? Why would you go and purge when you had a good day yesterday?" As if it were that simple. The tightness in my chest is creeping up on me and I want to cry but I can't. I've disconnected from my feelings. They lie beneath the surface, sinister and damaging, but I can't release them. I can't even get peace through the catharsis of tears. My body won't let me cry although my mind wants to. I need somebody to talk to, I need someone to understand. I wish my mom could understand and not judge the way she does. It hurts more than I can explain.
I hate my mother. It sounds harsh and terrible but she is the single biggest barrier to recovery in my life. She frustrates me more than anyone else in the entire world and I have never felt so strongly negative about anyone as I feel towards her.
I have been trying to take some steps forward with not purging. Yesterday I slipped. I only purged 2x this week. ONLY 2 times. Isn't that fantastic? Shouldn't that be something to be applauded? I fucking think so. Instead, my mom decided to call me at work and focus on the one slip last night and how she doesn't want to see that happen EVER. Like I should just be able to stop because she's dealt with this for enough years now. I tried to stay calm and tell her, yes I slipped but look at how much I've improved in huge leaps and bounds -
I've tried the alcoholisim/drug analogy to explain that you can't snap your fingers and get better just like that. But she says, celebrities go into rehab and come out a few months later and put all that behind them. WHY CAN'T YOU do the same?
In her eyes it's so more OK for me to just starve than to purge because purging is grosser. She doesn't understand that they're the same thing = coping mechanisms. She started quoting her pastor, "This is just a temptation, use your will power to turn away from sin. It's a choice." I'm sorry to anyone who is religious but that is a fucking load of bullshit. "Say no to sin". If I weren't so overwhelmed and frustrated right now I would find this funny. If it were a choice and if it were as simple as that, there wouldn't be a need for IP or Treatment Centres or any of that stuff.
She also said, "didn't you have a good day yesterday? Why would you go and purge when you had a good day yesterday?" As if it were that simple. The tightness in my chest is creeping up on me and I want to cry but I can't. I've disconnected from my feelings. They lie beneath the surface, sinister and damaging, but I can't release them. I can't even get peace through the catharsis of tears. My body won't let me cry although my mind wants to. I need somebody to talk to, I need someone to understand. I wish my mom could understand and not judge the way she does. It hurts more than I can explain.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Not a good day
Today has been really tough. I don't know why.
I couldn't bring myself to eat anything before 1pm when finally I had some clear broth. Then the feeling of fullness triggered me to purging. After that I was weak/shaky/drained so I took a nap until 5pm.
I lay in bed for 1 hour trying to sort things out in my head. Eat, don't eat, what to eat, if I eat I might feel full again and then purge then that would be worse than not eating in the first place. I had such a hard time getting out of bed, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.
Finally the logical, practical Tia won over and I went downstairs to steam some broccoli for dinner. The whole time, the battle raged on - "it's not too late, you can still forgo dinner" vs. "you need to eat something because that's what people do. eat."
I ate the broccoli. Then promptly freaked out and purged. Now I'm back at square one. Maybe I should just go to bed, try again tomorrow.
I couldn't bring myself to eat anything before 1pm when finally I had some clear broth. Then the feeling of fullness triggered me to purging. After that I was weak/shaky/drained so I took a nap until 5pm.
I lay in bed for 1 hour trying to sort things out in my head. Eat, don't eat, what to eat, if I eat I might feel full again and then purge then that would be worse than not eating in the first place. I had such a hard time getting out of bed, I just wanted to lay there and never leave.
Finally the logical, practical Tia won over and I went downstairs to steam some broccoli for dinner. The whole time, the battle raged on - "it's not too late, you can still forgo dinner" vs. "you need to eat something because that's what people do. eat."
I ate the broccoli. Then promptly freaked out and purged. Now I'm back at square one. Maybe I should just go to bed, try again tomorrow.
Wanting to move out
Right now I'm contemplating buying a condo. I moved back home after my ex and I split up and have been living there ever since (2 years ago). I'm hoping to move out soon. It's not that things are bad for the most part... it's just every day I stay at home, I feel like I lose a little bit more of myself.
I always want 2 opposite things equally strongly and at the very same time -
*I want to be taken care of and abdicated of responsibility (therefore I stay sick) but then I don't want independence and not to be treated like a child (I push people away when I feel that they are trying to control me)/
*I want to go into IP but my ED doesn't want me to go into IP, keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
*I want to be successful, to use my accounting designation to be "someone" and to make something of my life... but then again I also want to drive myself down the road of thinness to see just how low it goes... hence giving up all chances of a 'real' life and future
*I want to get married and to take on that home maker, soccer-mom kind of role, but the thought of being close to anyone - especially in a romantic, intimate kind of way - makes me literally sick.
These things and others that I can't think of right now function to keep me stuck in a rut. Vibrating back and forth between the opposite poles yet moving nowhere. I need something to shock my system in order to get out of the rut. Maybe I just need to be more fucking decisive.
I always want 2 opposite things equally strongly and at the very same time -
*I want to be taken care of and abdicated of responsibility (therefore I stay sick) but then I don't want independence and not to be treated like a child (I push people away when I feel that they are trying to control me)/
*I want to go into IP but my ED doesn't want me to go into IP, keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
*I want to be successful, to use my accounting designation to be "someone" and to make something of my life... but then again I also want to drive myself down the road of thinness to see just how low it goes... hence giving up all chances of a 'real' life and future
*I want to get married and to take on that home maker, soccer-mom kind of role, but the thought of being close to anyone - especially in a romantic, intimate kind of way - makes me literally sick.
These things and others that I can't think of right now function to keep me stuck in a rut. Vibrating back and forth between the opposite poles yet moving nowhere. I need something to shock my system in order to get out of the rut. Maybe I just need to be more fucking decisive.
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