Today is our last day in NY. My feet feel like they are going to fall off from walking so much, but the obsessive side of me says to walk more! burn off more calories! this is the perfect excuse!
I can't believe the number of skinny girls here. I keep comparing and feeling bad about myself. There is an empty feeling in me right now. Sad/lost/anxious?
I still feel somewhat crippled by ED. I don't want to try on clothes and go shopping because I feel fat. but overall it has been a good trip. I don't want to go home and face reality and all the pressures of real life. :(
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Summer's Over
This summer has been a whirlwind of activity. I have managed to stay pretty happy and healthy and avoid all appointments with my treatment team. I am realizing now that I am slowly making peace with weight gain, that being around a waiting room of extremely emaciated girls is not healthy. I found I was getting more triggered and my anxiety was spiking in the days before my appointments. For now I am going to stay away from the hospital unless things get bad. It's better for my mental health.
Every weekend I've been spending time with my bf, either here or in Washington. I got Nexus pass so the border wait times are greatly reduced, which makes it bearable to cross on a Saturday morning. I am at his parent's place in Port Angeles right now. It is about a 4 hour drive from Bellingham. Very peaceful, serene, secluded. I made it through dinner last night with the family and even had a cookie for dessert without too much anxiety. Best of all, I kept it down.
I hate my body intensely but I'm trying to keep pushing through, knowing the alternative. I do fear that I am unable to EVER diet "just a little" because I will be triggered into the ED again. It is a fine line and once you have gone down that path it is too easy to get sucked back in. I feel like I'm just on the other side of the ED madness and I'm actually at a point where I have things to look forward to other than watching the numbers go down on the scale. I have other things to make me happy.
I am by no means recovered or OK with my weight, but I am less anxious about it and I can see a bit of hope now (on a good day) that maybe happiness does not always have to come from being the skinniest person.
Every weekend I've been spending time with my bf, either here or in Washington. I got Nexus pass so the border wait times are greatly reduced, which makes it bearable to cross on a Saturday morning. I am at his parent's place in Port Angeles right now. It is about a 4 hour drive from Bellingham. Very peaceful, serene, secluded. I made it through dinner last night with the family and even had a cookie for dessert without too much anxiety. Best of all, I kept it down.
I hate my body intensely but I'm trying to keep pushing through, knowing the alternative. I do fear that I am unable to EVER diet "just a little" because I will be triggered into the ED again. It is a fine line and once you have gone down that path it is too easy to get sucked back in. I feel like I'm just on the other side of the ED madness and I'm actually at a point where I have things to look forward to other than watching the numbers go down on the scale. I have other things to make me happy.
I am by no means recovered or OK with my weight, but I am less anxious about it and I can see a bit of hope now (on a good day) that maybe happiness does not always have to come from being the skinniest person.
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