My thoughts right now are to leave the day after tomorrow. I'm still really uncertain about this and I'm honestly 50/50 right now. I will give myself until the end of the day to decide for sure. The ball is in my court now and I have to make a choice for myself. I don't want to make any impulse and rash decisions.
The psych said that if I leave right now the likelihood of me needing to come back in quickly is pretty high. She would put me right back on the IP waiting list if I choose to leave now. However, I don't think I'm truly ready for recovery right now. I'm ready to balance between sorta-sick and too-sick but not to commit wholly to getting better. Maybe my next admission will be more useful because I will be in a different headspace?
By me being decertified I feel like they're telling me I'm all healthy now and I feel guilty if I stay by choice. I cannot ask for help. I need my body to speak for me and it seems like it's not doing that because it's getting healthier, therefore looks like I need LESS help. All I know for sure is that I do not want to ever purge again in my life and if nothing else comes out of this IP stay I hope that I manage to break the purging cycle. When I came in, my basic goal was medical stability. I have reached that (minimally, but it still counts!). Even if I wanted to stay for sure I would feel immense guilt because I'm stable now. I don't deserve this bed in IP. I have always and still feel too healthy for it.
Zach came to visit on the weekend and he stuck right by my side the whole time. He wanted me and only me to carry him when we went for a little walk outside. I guess the extra calories I burned from carrying all 35 lbs of him for 15 minutes was a bit too much for my body because my blood sugars dropped really low right afterwards. They have been testing low quite a lot, which scares me because I know that low blood sugars = meal plan increase soon to come.
In my head, all day long it's "stay or go". The question keeps arising and I wish I knew. I fear regretting my choice in the future. I hate the feeling of regret. It's the worst emotion because there is nothing you can do to change the past. It's over and done with. Permanent. I want to choose the path I will not regret later on.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Decertified!
I have great news! I have been decertified! The psychiatrist who certified me just told me that now my vitals have reached baseline stability so they have decertified me. However, if I were to leave now it would still be against medical advice (AMA) but now the ball is in my court. She warned me of how precarious my health still is - I'm still getting low blood sugar spells and I'm still on magnesium and saline IV's but my blood levels are leveling out and that's why they can't legally keep me certified anymore.
I was so shocked to hear this news! I get to choose to stay or go! I am totally 50/50 right now. I haven't gained much weight here (2 lbs) and I know the longer I stay the more I will gain (obviously). I know truthfully that I am not ready to recover. I'm hoping to never go back to purging, but I know that I will restrict when I leave because I hate my body even with the extra 2 lbs on it. I hope not to get so sick that I end up here superfast but even the nurses and doctors have said, "you will be back here because we can see that you are not ready to recover yet. it's just a matter of time".
I'm struggling so much with the decision: stay or go. I'll update more on this decisions later... gtg... another gal wants to use the computer.
I was so shocked to hear this news! I get to choose to stay or go! I am totally 50/50 right now. I haven't gained much weight here (2 lbs) and I know the longer I stay the more I will gain (obviously). I know truthfully that I am not ready to recover. I'm hoping to never go back to purging, but I know that I will restrict when I leave because I hate my body even with the extra 2 lbs on it. I hope not to get so sick that I end up here superfast but even the nurses and doctors have said, "you will be back here because we can see that you are not ready to recover yet. it's just a matter of time".
I'm struggling so much with the decision: stay or go. I'll update more on this decisions later... gtg... another gal wants to use the computer.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Goodbye NG?
Today I might get to say goodbye to my NG tube! All I have to do is successfully complete my meal plan with minimal problems to show that I don't need to be tubed anymore. Although, I don't find it uncomfortable and it doesn't hurt my sinuses like it does some people. Sadly, they've had to insert the tube so many times on me that it's become second nature and I don't gag or even need to drink water in order to swallow the tube. The most exciting part about the farewell to my tube is that without the NG the nurses will not have to wake me up in the middle of the night to flush it and add more nutrition supplement to the bag and check that it's working properly (ie. I haven't tampered with it). A night of interrupted sleep will be sooooo nice.
Another positive thing: Yesterday I got my first pass which let me leave the ward for 1/2 hour! It was the fastest 1/2 hour of my life. I had a smoke, rushed to get a real caffeinated coffee, walked to the closest store to get some contraband AKA candy! (I'm such a candy-addict. It's the only calories I let myself have pretty much 95% guilt free). LOL I had to stash the candy in my pockets and in my bra since they check all your bags when you come back onto the unit. I felt so free. It's amazing the things you take for granted when you have them. A simple thing like going out for a coffee or walking on the sidewalk. Those little things are so wonderful to experience when you haven't had a chance to experience them being cooped up in a hospital. Quite a few people were looking at me as I rushed about on the street - I had the IV pole and the tube up my nose - but ya know what? I didn't care. I got my 1/2 hour of freedom and that's all that I cared about at that point. Let em stare!
It's the weekend, which means everything moves slower and the days drag on a bit longer since there's less staff around and less organized activities. My mom, dad, sis and son are coming to visit at 3pm today. I'm excited to see them but also exhausted at the thought of company. I still feel very much like isolating myself and like being around other people is too much work. I wonder when that feeling will go away. My mom is starting to pressure me and saying things like, "well, you're not getting any younger, you're wasting your beauty and youth, you're not married yet" blah blah blah. thanks for the guilt trip mom. I already KNOW that I'm behind others in terms of relationships and marriage and all that stuff, but right now i cannot handle any of that. I'm just being honest with myself and I totally do not need that added stress. I wish I could tell her to mind her own business. This is my life and I'll do all that stuff when I'm ready... or not...
Another positive thing: Yesterday I got my first pass which let me leave the ward for 1/2 hour! It was the fastest 1/2 hour of my life. I had a smoke, rushed to get a real caffeinated coffee, walked to the closest store to get some contraband AKA candy! (I'm such a candy-addict. It's the only calories I let myself have pretty much 95% guilt free). LOL I had to stash the candy in my pockets and in my bra since they check all your bags when you come back onto the unit. I felt so free. It's amazing the things you take for granted when you have them. A simple thing like going out for a coffee or walking on the sidewalk. Those little things are so wonderful to experience when you haven't had a chance to experience them being cooped up in a hospital. Quite a few people were looking at me as I rushed about on the street - I had the IV pole and the tube up my nose - but ya know what? I didn't care. I got my 1/2 hour of freedom and that's all that I cared about at that point. Let em stare!
It's the weekend, which means everything moves slower and the days drag on a bit longer since there's less staff around and less organized activities. My mom, dad, sis and son are coming to visit at 3pm today. I'm excited to see them but also exhausted at the thought of company. I still feel very much like isolating myself and like being around other people is too much work. I wonder when that feeling will go away. My mom is starting to pressure me and saying things like, "well, you're not getting any younger, you're wasting your beauty and youth, you're not married yet" blah blah blah. thanks for the guilt trip mom. I already KNOW that I'm behind others in terms of relationships and marriage and all that stuff, but right now i cannot handle any of that. I'm just being honest with myself and I totally do not need that added stress. I wish I could tell her to mind her own business. This is my life and I'll do all that stuff when I'm ready... or not...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Trying a Meal Plan
It is getting slightly easier to be here. That's a relief because I still have 2 more weeks (give or take). That doesn't mean that I like it by any more than before, I just mean that it's more tolerable. I no longer have that crazy drive inside me that says "you need to get out, you need to get out". I have spent some time chatting with the other girls which makes it easier to pass the time and to feel less alone. The new shared room situation has actually worked out quite well. I prefer the new room that I am in as it is much cozier and warmer than my private room before. 2 girls are going home today. I'm so excited for them but their freedom reminds me of the fact that I am still here. There are 2 new girls here today too. I felt anxious about them coming because of the comparision/competitive thing, but I'm still as skinny if not skinnier, so that gives me some peace.
Yesterday was my first day attempting a meal plan. The funny thing is, I thought it went quite well but when I met with the psychiatrist she said, "So, Tia, It looks like you had a rough time today with your meal plan". I was like, "WHAT!? I thought I managed to cope with it pretty well!" However, what "they" see tends to be different from what "I" see a lot of the time. Anyways, they have reduced my meal plan and we are continuing with night feeds through the NG. I'm OK with that because the tube has kind of become my security blanket. IT was a HUGE battle to get them to do this. They wanted the tube out altogether but that was one thing I was adamant about. I'm prepared to try eating part of my meal but I'm not prepared to go cold turkey. Since I'm putting effort in, they need to meet me halfway and finally I got them to see my side and to work out a plan we are all happy with.
I'm still on an IV for magnesium deficiency and dehydration. Still need vitals and bloodwork done 2x/day. I'm shocked that after 7 days of IV's I still need to be on one. I am starting to see a little better now just how fucked up my body was before I came in.
The problem is that I am terrified of liquid calories, so replacing with Boost or Ensure is almost scarier than eating the food.
Yesterday was my first day attempting a meal plan. The funny thing is, I thought it went quite well but when I met with the psychiatrist she said, "So, Tia, It looks like you had a rough time today with your meal plan". I was like, "WHAT!? I thought I managed to cope with it pretty well!" However, what "they" see tends to be different from what "I" see a lot of the time. Anyways, they have reduced my meal plan and we are continuing with night feeds through the NG. I'm OK with that because the tube has kind of become my security blanket. IT was a HUGE battle to get them to do this. They wanted the tube out altogether but that was one thing I was adamant about. I'm prepared to try eating part of my meal but I'm not prepared to go cold turkey. Since I'm putting effort in, they need to meet me halfway and finally I got them to see my side and to work out a plan we are all happy with.
I'm still on an IV for magnesium deficiency and dehydration. Still need vitals and bloodwork done 2x/day. I'm shocked that after 7 days of IV's I still need to be on one. I am starting to see a little better now just how fucked up my body was before I came in.
The problem is that I am terrified of liquid calories, so replacing with Boost or Ensure is almost scarier than eating the food.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Faking it
I am so frustrated with not knowing what's going on with my discharge date. I need to have a goal to work towards, not some indefinite time frame that leaves me hanging. Some nurses say I have to gain up to a BMI of 18 and others say 16. Then some nurses say I can be decertified when I am medically stable, regardless of what BMI that is at. I just need to know what they want or what hoops to jump through. I talked to the psychiatrist who is managing my case and she said that the main reason they had to certify me was because I could not and still cannot see how sick I am and the severity of my illness. They truly believed that death was imminent without this hospital admission and that's why they tubed me so quickly because they didn't want to waste any valuable refeeding time. I still have the tube in, still no solid food, but tomorrow I am going to try going off the tube and eating at the table with the 7 other girls.
Personally, I wish I could stay on the tube but in order to get out I need to prove that I am not a risk to myself. If I'm still on a tube, that shows them that when they discharge me I will still be incapable of feeding myself therefore I am still a risk and I will end up right back here and therefore they won't discharge me. It's really scary and a HUGE challenge for myself but tomorrow all my meals will be at the table. The dietician has decided to still leave the tube in (but not hooked up to anything) just in case I need to supplement, but we'll give it a shot. I am doing this 100% for THEM not for ME, but there's a little part in me that says, if you have to eat X number of calories, you might as well eat the food and enjoy it rather than passively letting it drip into you without getting to taste it. I'm trying so hard to see the positive side to all this. Trying to shut an eye to the inevitable weight gain for the moment. Like everyone says, "fake it to make it out". I also need to convince them that I can see that there is a problem and that I am taking steps to fix it. Sort of how criminals need to show remorse to get parole...
I wish I could believe that I was truly medically compromised the way they say I was. I don't see myself as the sick person the doctors seem to all see, but it is scary when they tell me that I was at death's door. I never intended to come *that* close to dying. I didn't feel like I was dying! That's the scary part, to not even know it when you're at that point.
I should have known nothing good could come from diluting my tube feeds and draining it into a cup. The 'team' has moved me from a private room to a semi-private room right across from the nursing station so they can keep a better eye on me.
Personally, I wish I could stay on the tube but in order to get out I need to prove that I am not a risk to myself. If I'm still on a tube, that shows them that when they discharge me I will still be incapable of feeding myself therefore I am still a risk and I will end up right back here and therefore they won't discharge me. It's really scary and a HUGE challenge for myself but tomorrow all my meals will be at the table. The dietician has decided to still leave the tube in (but not hooked up to anything) just in case I need to supplement, but we'll give it a shot. I am doing this 100% for THEM not for ME, but there's a little part in me that says, if you have to eat X number of calories, you might as well eat the food and enjoy it rather than passively letting it drip into you without getting to taste it. I'm trying so hard to see the positive side to all this. Trying to shut an eye to the inevitable weight gain for the moment. Like everyone says, "fake it to make it out". I also need to convince them that I can see that there is a problem and that I am taking steps to fix it. Sort of how criminals need to show remorse to get parole...
I wish I could believe that I was truly medically compromised the way they say I was. I don't see myself as the sick person the doctors seem to all see, but it is scary when they tell me that I was at death's door. I never intended to come *that* close to dying. I didn't feel like I was dying! That's the scary part, to not even know it when you're at that point.
I should have known nothing good could come from diluting my tube feeds and draining it into a cup. The 'team' has moved me from a private room to a semi-private room right across from the nursing station so they can keep a better eye on me.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Visit from Zach
i feel as though my will has been broken in here. they are winning by force.
Being certified pretty much means i'm screwed and i can't get away with anything. They can do whatever they want to me. One nurse said that in about a week I can ask the doctor if I'm still "certifiable". The moment I am medically stable they cannot legally hold me here. Unfortunately, right now my bloodwork is totally abnormal. I'm still dehydrated even after 3 days of straight IV's. Blood cell count is low, protein is low, I still have edema, Magnesium is still low despite IV's every day, Kidneys are showing problems too. OMG... I hope this stuff all works itself out soon so that I can go home.
They noticed that i've been tampering with my feeding tube and the nutrition supplement in the bag, so now i'm not allowed any cups or drinks in my room. i also must be supervised every time i go to the bathroom. i'm still 100% on the tube, no solid food yet and it's been almost 4 days. I'm not ready to eat any solids yet, but maybe next week. I'm currently struggling enough with accepting tube feedings, I'm not sure I could face actually eating (ie. feeding myself) especially not at the table with the other girls.
they also upped my anti-anxiety meds basically to sedate me so that i'm too sleepy to tamper with the tube. this goes against everything i believe in. i have always fought so hard to stay off anti-depressants and to be chemical-free and now i get meds 4x per day without a say in it at all because i'm certified. i hate how they keep pulling that phrase. "well... unfortunately you are certified so you have to do xyz".
The terrible truth is that weight gain is inevitable in order to get out so I might as well stop fucking with the tube because the slower I gain the weight the longer I will be in here, right? I'm scared I won't be able to lose the weight when I get out.
My mom brought my son to visit me today. It was great seeing him but also really sad. He kept asking me to come home and he pointed at the NG tube and asked, what's that? and then pointed to the IV in my arm and asked what that was too. He hugged me and sat on my lap and asked, "Mommy sick?" Later my mom phoned to tell me he was really sad after they left the hospital. He said, "Next time bring Mommy home". Aww... that breaks my heart. I want to be with him. I don't want to miss out on the milestones especially since he's growing so fast and changing to quickly these days. Every day he does something new and remarkable and I'm not there to see it. At least I know he is in good hands with my mom, dad and sister. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be stuck in this hospital either. Everything seems so impossible right now.
Being certified pretty much means i'm screwed and i can't get away with anything. They can do whatever they want to me. One nurse said that in about a week I can ask the doctor if I'm still "certifiable". The moment I am medically stable they cannot legally hold me here. Unfortunately, right now my bloodwork is totally abnormal. I'm still dehydrated even after 3 days of straight IV's. Blood cell count is low, protein is low, I still have edema, Magnesium is still low despite IV's every day, Kidneys are showing problems too. OMG... I hope this stuff all works itself out soon so that I can go home.
They noticed that i've been tampering with my feeding tube and the nutrition supplement in the bag, so now i'm not allowed any cups or drinks in my room. i also must be supervised every time i go to the bathroom. i'm still 100% on the tube, no solid food yet and it's been almost 4 days. I'm not ready to eat any solids yet, but maybe next week. I'm currently struggling enough with accepting tube feedings, I'm not sure I could face actually eating (ie. feeding myself) especially not at the table with the other girls.
they also upped my anti-anxiety meds basically to sedate me so that i'm too sleepy to tamper with the tube. this goes against everything i believe in. i have always fought so hard to stay off anti-depressants and to be chemical-free and now i get meds 4x per day without a say in it at all because i'm certified. i hate how they keep pulling that phrase. "well... unfortunately you are certified so you have to do xyz".
The terrible truth is that weight gain is inevitable in order to get out so I might as well stop fucking with the tube because the slower I gain the weight the longer I will be in here, right? I'm scared I won't be able to lose the weight when I get out.
My mom brought my son to visit me today. It was great seeing him but also really sad. He kept asking me to come home and he pointed at the NG tube and asked, what's that? and then pointed to the IV in my arm and asked what that was too. He hugged me and sat on my lap and asked, "Mommy sick?" Later my mom phoned to tell me he was really sad after they left the hospital. He said, "Next time bring Mommy home". Aww... that breaks my heart. I want to be with him. I don't want to miss out on the milestones especially since he's growing so fast and changing to quickly these days. Every day he does something new and remarkable and I'm not there to see it. At least I know he is in good hands with my mom, dad and sister. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be stuck in this hospital either. Everything seems so impossible right now.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Looking for Myself
I cannot write. Physically cannot write. I've tried at least 3 times to hold a pen and journal but my hands shake and cannot grip properly. There's so much going on in me, thoughts bouncing around like electrons that I can't keep under control. I so need to write but my body is not cooperating, so I'm here again, hammering out my thoughts. This is a super long rambly entry... I don't mind if you don't make it thru the whole thing :)
I look out the window. It's a nice September day. They say it's warm outside but I don't believe them. There's a nice soft light shining in and if I listen out the window I can hear the bustle of people and cars. It's Friday evening so the buzz of excitement with the upcoming weekend is hovering in the air. I'm stuck in a hospital, living by proxy. The ironic thing is, I've always wanted to live in downtown Vancouver in the middle of all the activity and excitement. Well, now I'm technically "living downtown" - just not the way I had pictured it.
I'm not young anymore. I used to always see ED's as teenage disorders. I never expected to still be in this midset at age 25. I am now closer to 30 than to 20. I thought I would outgrow it. I thought that somehow the mental demons would go away when I hit 20. Then at 20 I thought I'd be all recovered at 25. Now I'm 25 and I don't see this disorder going anywhere anytime soon. In fact, I feel like I'm even more entrenched than before and I'm clinging harder to this more than ever. The older I get, the more alone I feel and therefore the more I hang onto the only thing that hasn't let me down.
This time of year has always been hard for me. back to school, fall, thanksgiving, holidays, etc. I will be out of the hospital probably the Thursday before thanksgiving (Canadian thanksgiving). Just in time to make the cheesecake and holiday cookies for the occasion. Just in time to be faced with all that food. REALLY BAD TIMING. Huge b/p triggers... I don't think the timing could be worse in fact! Anyways, 2009 is coming to a close rapidly and I've done nothing with myself this year except for bring myself closer to death. God, this IP admission is giving me way too much time to think. "An idle mind is the devil's playground". So fucking true. My brain has been going to very dark places.
There are 7 other girls in here with me. Everyone kinda keeps to themselves but I feel especially isolated because I don't go to mealtimes or snacktimes with them. Being fed 100% through the tube means that I don't eat meals/snacks so I haven't gotten to know anybody yet. I want to talk to them, I want to find out their stories and get support/give support but reaching out is tough. I'm the "new girl" and I definitely feel their eyes on me as mine are on them, sussing out the competition, unsure what to think of the other person. Part of me wants to get off tube feeds so I can socialize with them and not have this pole with me 24/7 but the other part finds great solace in the fact that I don't have to physically feed myself, as in put food into my mouth. I derive comfort knowing that I can just lie here passively and get the nutrients that I need. I don't need to sit at a table and deal with all the "mealtime guidelines". It's less anxiety provoking, which doesn't make sense to me because I know I'm getting X number of calories whether it's orally or thru a tube... but the tube is a million times easier than eating.
Here's a quote that struck a chord with me:
"You spend your whole life looking for the adult that you are. then you spend the rest of your life looking for the child that you were." - Trailer Trash by Brand New
I look out the window. It's a nice September day. They say it's warm outside but I don't believe them. There's a nice soft light shining in and if I listen out the window I can hear the bustle of people and cars. It's Friday evening so the buzz of excitement with the upcoming weekend is hovering in the air. I'm stuck in a hospital, living by proxy. The ironic thing is, I've always wanted to live in downtown Vancouver in the middle of all the activity and excitement. Well, now I'm technically "living downtown" - just not the way I had pictured it.
I'm not young anymore. I used to always see ED's as teenage disorders. I never expected to still be in this midset at age 25. I am now closer to 30 than to 20. I thought I would outgrow it. I thought that somehow the mental demons would go away when I hit 20. Then at 20 I thought I'd be all recovered at 25. Now I'm 25 and I don't see this disorder going anywhere anytime soon. In fact, I feel like I'm even more entrenched than before and I'm clinging harder to this more than ever. The older I get, the more alone I feel and therefore the more I hang onto the only thing that hasn't let me down.
This time of year has always been hard for me. back to school, fall, thanksgiving, holidays, etc. I will be out of the hospital probably the Thursday before thanksgiving (Canadian thanksgiving). Just in time to make the cheesecake and holiday cookies for the occasion. Just in time to be faced with all that food. REALLY BAD TIMING. Huge b/p triggers... I don't think the timing could be worse in fact! Anyways, 2009 is coming to a close rapidly and I've done nothing with myself this year except for bring myself closer to death. God, this IP admission is giving me way too much time to think. "An idle mind is the devil's playground". So fucking true. My brain has been going to very dark places.
There are 7 other girls in here with me. Everyone kinda keeps to themselves but I feel especially isolated because I don't go to mealtimes or snacktimes with them. Being fed 100% through the tube means that I don't eat meals/snacks so I haven't gotten to know anybody yet. I want to talk to them, I want to find out their stories and get support/give support but reaching out is tough. I'm the "new girl" and I definitely feel their eyes on me as mine are on them, sussing out the competition, unsure what to think of the other person. Part of me wants to get off tube feeds so I can socialize with them and not have this pole with me 24/7 but the other part finds great solace in the fact that I don't have to physically feed myself, as in put food into my mouth. I derive comfort knowing that I can just lie here passively and get the nutrients that I need. I don't need to sit at a table and deal with all the "mealtime guidelines". It's less anxiety provoking, which doesn't make sense to me because I know I'm getting X number of calories whether it's orally or thru a tube... but the tube is a million times easier than eating.
Here's a quote that struck a chord with me:
"You spend your whole life looking for the adult that you are. then you spend the rest of your life looking for the child that you were." - Trailer Trash by Brand New
1 day down, 20 to go
I realize that this post will make me sound like a resistant, stubborn bitch, but it's just the mindset I was in and all my fears taking over. Losing control, getting fat, blah blah blah. Please don't judge me... I didn't do it to be 'difficult'. My actions are only a consequence of me being terrified of this whole experience. So...
The past 24 hours have been a nightmare. I arrived at lunchtime (bad bad timing) and was faced with a meal tray almost immediately. I couldn't do it, I had too much anxiety to begin with, let alone being shoved with food the second I walked in. I couldn't bring myself to replace the meal with Boost either, so they decided to go more "agressive" with treatment.
By about 7pm I still hadn't had anything to eat because of all the stuff going on with admitting me and doing the tests they needed to do, etc. I said I didn't want the NG tube either and they couldn't make me since I was technically a 'voluntary patient'. The team talked some more while I lay in bed. Then the psychiatrist came back and said they were going to start the tube feeds. I said, "no, I don't want tube feeding" and she said, "I've just certified you. You cannot refuse treatment anymore, you don't have the right to make those decisions anymore." I can't believe it. I couldn't eat 1 meal and they started the tube. there is NO leeway i guess... i feel like i've lost. there's this STUFF, this CALORIE FILLED LIQUID dripping into me, making me fat and i can't do anything about it 1) because i'm too weak 2) because the door is locked on the ward. 3) i am not allowed to leave AMA because i've been certified.
And so, the tube feedings began. They managed to get the tube in the first try without too much gagging on my part. It was so uncomfortable and every time I swallow I can feel the tube shifting a little bit. The physical discomfort is nothing compared to the mental anguish i'm going through. They've won, I've lost. They're getting calories into me, I can't do a damn thing because if I take the tube out, they'll put it right back in. everyone in here is so much smaller than me. i feel like an outsider. The nurse went through all my stuff, took away my mirror, my keys, my crystal lite, etc. Between the bag searches and the locked ward, I feel like a criminal.
Currently I'm on an IV for NaCl, Magnesium and the ongoing terrible tube feedings. I know I have to get off tube feeding and eat 3 meals, 3 snacks in order to be discharged, but that is the scariest thing right now. i can't imagine eating, let alone eating witih a bunch of other people. I want out, the only way out is to eat, it seems like an impossibility.
The past 24 hours have been a nightmare. I arrived at lunchtime (bad bad timing) and was faced with a meal tray almost immediately. I couldn't do it, I had too much anxiety to begin with, let alone being shoved with food the second I walked in. I couldn't bring myself to replace the meal with Boost either, so they decided to go more "agressive" with treatment.
By about 7pm I still hadn't had anything to eat because of all the stuff going on with admitting me and doing the tests they needed to do, etc. I said I didn't want the NG tube either and they couldn't make me since I was technically a 'voluntary patient'. The team talked some more while I lay in bed. Then the psychiatrist came back and said they were going to start the tube feeds. I said, "no, I don't want tube feeding" and she said, "I've just certified you. You cannot refuse treatment anymore, you don't have the right to make those decisions anymore." I can't believe it. I couldn't eat 1 meal and they started the tube. there is NO leeway i guess... i feel like i've lost. there's this STUFF, this CALORIE FILLED LIQUID dripping into me, making me fat and i can't do anything about it 1) because i'm too weak 2) because the door is locked on the ward. 3) i am not allowed to leave AMA because i've been certified.
And so, the tube feedings began. They managed to get the tube in the first try without too much gagging on my part. It was so uncomfortable and every time I swallow I can feel the tube shifting a little bit. The physical discomfort is nothing compared to the mental anguish i'm going through. They've won, I've lost. They're getting calories into me, I can't do a damn thing because if I take the tube out, they'll put it right back in. everyone in here is so much smaller than me. i feel like an outsider. The nurse went through all my stuff, took away my mirror, my keys, my crystal lite, etc. Between the bag searches and the locked ward, I feel like a criminal.
Currently I'm on an IV for NaCl, Magnesium and the ongoing terrible tube feedings. I know I have to get off tube feeding and eat 3 meals, 3 snacks in order to be discharged, but that is the scariest thing right now. i can't imagine eating, let alone eating witih a bunch of other people. I want out, the only way out is to eat, it seems like an impossibility.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Leaving in 1 hr
I'm packing now, still procrastinating down to the wire. Leaving in 1 hr.
Give me your addresses so I can write! I'm at s.t.a.r.r.y.s.u.g.a.r @ hotmail.com
but it's all one word, no dots or spaces or underlines, or FB me :)
Thanks for all your kind wiahes and thoughts. I'll be brave today... I love you all.
Give me your addresses so I can write! I'm at s.t.a.r.r.y.s.u.g.a.r @ hotmail.com
but it's all one word, no dots or spaces or underlines, or FB me :)
Thanks for all your kind wiahes and thoughts. I'll be brave today... I love you all.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
1 Day of Freedom Left
The IP nutritionist just called me to pick meal plans for the next 2 days.
I broke down and started crying the moment we got off the phone.
She told me that her and the doctor have already discussed starting me on an NG tube right off the bat since they know how hard eating will be. Way to give me the benefit of the doubt, eh? Destined for failure. It was torture having to pick 3 meals and 2 snacks. In the hospital they pick meals every day for the next day.
My starting mealplan looks like this:
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 fruit, 1 milk
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 fat, 1 fruit/veg, 1 milk
D: same as lunch
Snack x 2: 1 snack choice at each snacktime.
This is below the normal starting mealplan because they're really worried about refeeding syndrome and putting a strain on my heart. Eventually it will be 2 starch/2 protein/2 fruit or veg. They will not discharge me if I am still on tube feeds :( so I better eat or I'm never getting out of there.
I will probably update again tonight or tomorrow morning before I go in. I have to be there by 11am. Thank you again for all your support and well wishes. I need it.
I broke down and started crying the moment we got off the phone.
She told me that her and the doctor have already discussed starting me on an NG tube right off the bat since they know how hard eating will be. Way to give me the benefit of the doubt, eh? Destined for failure. It was torture having to pick 3 meals and 2 snacks. In the hospital they pick meals every day for the next day.
My starting mealplan looks like this:
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 fruit, 1 milk
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 fat, 1 fruit/veg, 1 milk
D: same as lunch
Snack x 2: 1 snack choice at each snacktime.
This is below the normal starting mealplan because they're really worried about refeeding syndrome and putting a strain on my heart. Eventually it will be 2 starch/2 protein/2 fruit or veg. They will not discharge me if I am still on tube feeds :( so I better eat or I'm never getting out of there.
I will probably update again tonight or tomorrow morning before I go in. I have to be there by 11am. Thank you again for all your support and well wishes. I need it.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Pre-Admission Anxiety
I had no idea my FB status about my IP date would spark such a discussion! One friend of mine, Cathy, who is soon to be an ex-friend, is extremely ignorant and judgmental and left some comments on my status like "she's just doing it for attention". Imagine that, talking about me as if I'm not there - on my own FB page! She has never understood nor tried to understand ED's. She's one of those people who says, "Just eat!" as if that would fix the problem. I'm very sad to lose her as a friend since we've known each other since age 16 when we did a Québec exchange program together. I don't have a lot of longterm friendships and I used to value this one but her attitude towards the ED and her unsupportive, downright rude comments are unforgivable. It seems as though she only wants to be friends when I'm healthy and I don't want to deal with that negativity and with having to fulfill certain conditions in order to remain her friend. I have thought long and hard about this and I think too much damage has been done. Even if I recover, I cannot be her friend knowing how she acted during this time.
Over the weekend I had a crazy urge to bake. Maybe to make up for the time I know I won't be able to bake in the hospital. I made apple turnovers, vol-au-vents, sour cream cinnamon nut coffee cake, chicken pot pie, taipei coconut buns, pound cake, brownies, cheesecake squares and cheese crackers. Maybe it was a way to take my mind off the thoughts that are flying around frantically.
I read the 20 page booklet of 'guidelines" from the hospital. It is so restrictive it's not even funny. They even have things in there like "You may put peanut butter on your apple or banana but not any other fruit" and "You are allowed 2 salt packages and 4 pepper packages per meal." WTF am I getting into? No cell phones, no internet, no cameras, it's a LOCKED WARD. I'm banking on being there maximum 3 weeks. That's what they told me, that's what I'm doing. Nothing more than that. The time frame of 3 weeks is my security blanket, so I pray to God that they don't change that on me suddenly. All weekend I have been freaking out and trying to find ways to get out of this. This morning I left messages for my family doctor and another ED doctor who's seen me before. I want to get their opinions and see if there is any way I can get out of going in on Thursday. I have only 3 days of freedom left. Oh. My. God. 3 days left for me to be anxious and obsess.
I have these scenarios playing in my head where I get dropped off at the hospital and I run away before they can sign me in. But then I can only hide for so long, right? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, must've been a nightmare or anxiety around everything that's going on. I still don't believe 100% that this is happening to me. It can't be... this has to be a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I wish.
Over the weekend I had a crazy urge to bake. Maybe to make up for the time I know I won't be able to bake in the hospital. I made apple turnovers, vol-au-vents, sour cream cinnamon nut coffee cake, chicken pot pie, taipei coconut buns, pound cake, brownies, cheesecake squares and cheese crackers. Maybe it was a way to take my mind off the thoughts that are flying around frantically.
I read the 20 page booklet of 'guidelines" from the hospital. It is so restrictive it's not even funny. They even have things in there like "You may put peanut butter on your apple or banana but not any other fruit" and "You are allowed 2 salt packages and 4 pepper packages per meal." WTF am I getting into? No cell phones, no internet, no cameras, it's a LOCKED WARD. I'm banking on being there maximum 3 weeks. That's what they told me, that's what I'm doing. Nothing more than that. The time frame of 3 weeks is my security blanket, so I pray to God that they don't change that on me suddenly. All weekend I have been freaking out and trying to find ways to get out of this. This morning I left messages for my family doctor and another ED doctor who's seen me before. I want to get their opinions and see if there is any way I can get out of going in on Thursday. I have only 3 days of freedom left. Oh. My. God. 3 days left for me to be anxious and obsess.
I have these scenarios playing in my head where I get dropped off at the hospital and I run away before they can sign me in. But then I can only hide for so long, right? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, must've been a nightmare or anxiety around everything that's going on. I still don't believe 100% that this is happening to me. It can't be... this has to be a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I wish.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Waiting Game
Surprisingly, my weight dropped even more today. It's not me trying to lose wt. it must be the stress of all this. It seems like the next 5 days are going to be a waiting game as I prepare for admission. It's such a strange feeling to know you'll be removed from your everyday life in a few short days. I went grocery shopping today but barely bought anything because I won't be around to cook! I've started making lists of stuff to do, loose ends to tie up, things to pack. Lastly, I wonder how to tell my 2.5 year old. How much will he understand? Willt his cause abandonment/attachment issues?
The doctor's words keep ringing in my head. "The decision is not yours to make anymore". It's embarrassing! If this isn't what it feels like to be crazy, what is!?
The good news is that my supervisor was so supportive even though I only gave her 1 week's notice of my leave. She said not to worry about anything. She calculated how muth paid time off I have - about 3-4 weeks - so I could ease my mind a bit. She also said that the timing is actually not that bad (compared to what it could be for accounting). ie. now is a slow time of year, it's mid-month, it's not the end of a financial quarter. She also offered to tell everyone once I'd already gone off on leave, that I'd gone for health issues (being vague) so I wouldn't have to tell them myself ahead of time and thus field the questions. I think I will follow that route and avoid the questions. I hope it doesn't generate too much gossip, but my bigger fear is returning to work after and getting the "you look so HEALTHY!" comments.
The doctor's words keep ringing in my head. "The decision is not yours to make anymore". It's embarrassing! If this isn't what it feels like to be crazy, what is!?
The good news is that my supervisor was so supportive even though I only gave her 1 week's notice of my leave. She said not to worry about anything. She calculated how muth paid time off I have - about 3-4 weeks - so I could ease my mind a bit. She also said that the timing is actually not that bad (compared to what it could be for accounting). ie. now is a slow time of year, it's mid-month, it's not the end of a financial quarter. She also offered to tell everyone once I'd already gone off on leave, that I'd gone for health issues (being vague) so I wouldn't have to tell them myself ahead of time and thus field the questions. I think I will follow that route and avoid the questions. I hope it doesn't generate too much gossip, but my bigger fear is returning to work after and getting the "you look so HEALTHY!" comments.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Mandatory IP Admission - I've been Certified
I received the most terrifying news today. I was deciding about whether or not to take an IP admission date of September 17th but that decision has been made for me. Like it or not, I'm going. I had my regular doctor's appointment today, expecting things to go as they usually do, but that didn't happen. When I arrived they had already set up a tour of the ward and a Precare appointment... i had no idea!
My doc told me that under the mental health act she has certified me, so my admission is no longer elective. it's mandatory. she even went as far as saying that if i don't show up, there will be cops at my house to bring me to the hospital because they deem me incapable of making treatment decisions for myself right now. "Unfortunately, you cannot make that decision for yourself right now so I have to make it for you."
Part of me thinks she's bull-shitting me. I'm not sick enough to be certified! I work full time, I wake up every morning, carry on with my day, I do normal things like other people, I'm not an invalid... etc. How can she say that? It flies in the face of everything I see in myself. I feel like a capable person and she's saying the opposite! A huge part of me thinks she won't actually follow through on the part about the cops but the other side of me says not to chance it because it would be a huge, ugly scene if that actually did happen and i had to be handcuffed, etc.
does anyone have any experience with being forced into treatment? don't you have to be like literally almost dead for them to do that to you? (which i'm not...) they only gave me 1 week notice... how do you get your life in order in 1 week!? my mind is EVERYWHERE right now. This next week is going to be hell... then more hell when i'm in IP... Does anyone know how much weight you'd have to gain in a week to 'prove' that i don't need to be IP?
My doc told me that under the mental health act she has certified me, so my admission is no longer elective. it's mandatory. she even went as far as saying that if i don't show up, there will be cops at my house to bring me to the hospital because they deem me incapable of making treatment decisions for myself right now. "Unfortunately, you cannot make that decision for yourself right now so I have to make it for you."
Part of me thinks she's bull-shitting me. I'm not sick enough to be certified! I work full time, I wake up every morning, carry on with my day, I do normal things like other people, I'm not an invalid... etc. How can she say that? It flies in the face of everything I see in myself. I feel like a capable person and she's saying the opposite! A huge part of me thinks she won't actually follow through on the part about the cops but the other side of me says not to chance it because it would be a huge, ugly scene if that actually did happen and i had to be handcuffed, etc.
does anyone have any experience with being forced into treatment? don't you have to be like literally almost dead for them to do that to you? (which i'm not...) they only gave me 1 week notice... how do you get your life in order in 1 week!? my mind is EVERYWHERE right now. This next week is going to be hell... then more hell when i'm in IP... Does anyone know how much weight you'd have to gain in a week to 'prove' that i don't need to be IP?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
IP Date
The IP coordinator called at around 4pm yesterday. She told me that based on my last bloodwork from Friday, the doctor wants to speed up my IP admission. They have set the date as Thursday, September 17th. Wow, that is not a lot of notice at all. That's just over a week! I can't do this... I know I have to but I can't.
How can I get my 'things' in order before I go? Arrange childcare, find coverage at work, not leave them hanging, etc. How do I get to my goal weight before I go in? I need to achieve that 88lbs so I can feel like at least I was sick enough, at least the number was low enough to warrant me going IP in the first place. I don't want to feel like an imposter in there. Everyone will think I'm faking it, they'll wonder wtf i'm doing in there compared to the other skinnier stick-girls. I see the doctor tomorrow and I'm hoping I can talk to her and get the date pushed back a little bit. The good part is that the coordinator said if my bloodwork is any better this week there might be a bit of leeway with admission dates, but as it stands, those are doctor's orders.
I'm feeling all crazy and pulled in 2 directions... I need to feel that achievement of 88lbs before I can let myself go in. At least that way I can say to myself "I did it, I made it to 88". If I go IP right now, all that will be shot and it will be back to square 1. The other part of me wants to scream at the doctor and tell her to please certify me. Please take away my free will because this free will is going to kill me. Please deem me a medical danger to myself and put me in, regardless of what I say. I need that kind of intravening force right now because the ED is so strong. Oh God, where did everything get so fucked up? How did I go from 'normal' to 'absolutely insane' in a year and a half.
It's not fair. This lady at work was talking about how she lost 15 lbs over the past month by cutting out sugar. Everyone was so happy for her, congratulated her, oohed and ahhed over how great she looked. Then everyone started talking about their own diets. I felt so awkward and this anger started welling up inside me. Why is it okay for everyone else to talk about wanting to lose weight and get thin and then when I do precisely that, I end up with an IP admission looming ahead? It's so completely unfair and such a double standard.
How can I get my 'things' in order before I go? Arrange childcare, find coverage at work, not leave them hanging, etc. How do I get to my goal weight before I go in? I need to achieve that 88lbs so I can feel like at least I was sick enough, at least the number was low enough to warrant me going IP in the first place. I don't want to feel like an imposter in there. Everyone will think I'm faking it, they'll wonder wtf i'm doing in there compared to the other skinnier stick-girls. I see the doctor tomorrow and I'm hoping I can talk to her and get the date pushed back a little bit. The good part is that the coordinator said if my bloodwork is any better this week there might be a bit of leeway with admission dates, but as it stands, those are doctor's orders.
I'm feeling all crazy and pulled in 2 directions... I need to feel that achievement of 88lbs before I can let myself go in. At least that way I can say to myself "I did it, I made it to 88". If I go IP right now, all that will be shot and it will be back to square 1. The other part of me wants to scream at the doctor and tell her to please certify me. Please take away my free will because this free will is going to kill me. Please deem me a medical danger to myself and put me in, regardless of what I say. I need that kind of intravening force right now because the ED is so strong. Oh God, where did everything get so fucked up? How did I go from 'normal' to 'absolutely insane' in a year and a half.
It's not fair. This lady at work was talking about how she lost 15 lbs over the past month by cutting out sugar. Everyone was so happy for her, congratulated her, oohed and ahhed over how great she looked. Then everyone started talking about their own diets. I felt so awkward and this anger started welling up inside me. Why is it okay for everyone else to talk about wanting to lose weight and get thin and then when I do precisely that, I end up with an IP admission looming ahead? It's so completely unfair and such a double standard.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Paying for my sins
This morning I think I'm being punished... I'm paying for my purging slip yesterday.Everything in my body aches and I feel so cold, like I am freezing from the inside out. I've got a fleece blanket, a wool scarf, a space heater and gloves on at my desk while everyone else is wearing t-shirts and cute knee-length skirts. I feel like the chill is coming from inside me and I can't do anything to warm up. I want to go back to bed. My doctor said last week that she was amazed that I'm still working full time. I hope I can keep this up. I love my job and I don't want to be stuck in a bed at home, although right now that is the only place I want to be.
My weight is at an all time low for me, but the number still doesn't sound low to me. My goal is 88lbs and I am 5'6". 88 is perfect because it's under 90 with enough of a margin to feel safe. Also, when you're in the 80's it sounds so much thinner than in the 90's. All I know is that right now, I cannot even imagine being in the triple digits. It's weird how people get hung up on numbers. Maybe I should start weighing myself in kilograms or stones or some obscure measure that takes away the stigma of the double/triple digit thing.
I know I need help, I am just waiting for someone to MAKE me go because it's too hard to say, "I'm going to take care of myself" and make the decision. I want someone else to decide for me and I know that's harder as an adult because of personal rights, etc. I think that If I were thin enough/sick enough that they would commit me or make me go "sgainst my will" then it would be easier for me to accept the help and truly believe that I am "sick enough". Thank you everyone for your caring and concern and even comments to say hello or that you're thinking of me - they mean the world when you feel so terribly alone.
I hate the fall and winter - back to school, thanksgiving, christmas, changing weather, cold and wetness, everything starts winding up and moving quickly. I always feel this ache inside around this time of year. A longing for something that I don't even understand and something I have never managed to obtain. I just want to find some peace.
My weight is at an all time low for me, but the number still doesn't sound low to me. My goal is 88lbs and I am 5'6". 88 is perfect because it's under 90 with enough of a margin to feel safe. Also, when you're in the 80's it sounds so much thinner than in the 90's. All I know is that right now, I cannot even imagine being in the triple digits. It's weird how people get hung up on numbers. Maybe I should start weighing myself in kilograms or stones or some obscure measure that takes away the stigma of the double/triple digit thing.
I know I need help, I am just waiting for someone to MAKE me go because it's too hard to say, "I'm going to take care of myself" and make the decision. I want someone else to decide for me and I know that's harder as an adult because of personal rights, etc. I think that If I were thin enough/sick enough that they would commit me or make me go "sgainst my will" then it would be easier for me to accept the help and truly believe that I am "sick enough". Thank you everyone for your caring and concern and even comments to say hello or that you're thinking of me - they mean the world when you feel so terribly alone.
I hate the fall and winter - back to school, thanksgiving, christmas, changing weather, cold and wetness, everything starts winding up and moving quickly. I always feel this ache inside around this time of year. A longing for something that I don't even understand and something I have never managed to obtain. I just want to find some peace.
Another Failure
Shit.
So much for that 4 day p-free streak. I went and fucked it up. 4 hours later I'm only just getting to bed. I hope this doesn't trigger the edema to flare back up.
Why am I so hopeless? I wish I had the willpower to stop this shit! I tried and I failed. Here we go again, back on the roller coaster.
So much for that 4 day p-free streak. I went and fucked it up. 4 hours later I'm only just getting to bed. I hope this doesn't trigger the edema to flare back up.
Why am I so hopeless? I wish I had the willpower to stop this shit! I tried and I failed. Here we go again, back on the roller coaster.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Fighting the Urges
I feel nauseous...
I think it's from not eating. Ever since the possible cardiac/angina/heart attack thing I haven't purged. That makes 3 whole days (it will be 4 if I get through tonight without giving in). The only thing is I feel so sick to my stomach. I've only eaten 2 hard candies today and nothing else. I'm too afraid to trigger a binge-purge session. However, the nausea is not helping. My train of thought is: if I am going to throw up, I might as well milk it for what it's worth and eat a ton of junk food like all the stuff my parents just stocked up our pantry with. Oh god, I can picture the cupboards full of stuff right now: Peak Freans cream filled cookies, white bread that I can toast and slather with butter and dust with sugar, instant ramen tnoodles, froot loops with milk, freshly baked banana bread, the list goes on. What the hell am I going to do to distract myself? Maybe I should take a sleeping pill and go to bed before I get myself into trouble.
I know I should eat something, even a salad, but that seems to substantial. I feel pure now, having subsisted on barely anything the past 3-4 days. I feel etherial, like I'm floating on air, slightly lightheaded, a bit detached from the world. I am afraid. I want to eat but I can't.
Good news: Edema has gone down a lot!
I think it's from not eating. Ever since the possible cardiac/angina/heart attack thing I haven't purged. That makes 3 whole days (it will be 4 if I get through tonight without giving in). The only thing is I feel so sick to my stomach. I've only eaten 2 hard candies today and nothing else. I'm too afraid to trigger a binge-purge session. However, the nausea is not helping. My train of thought is: if I am going to throw up, I might as well milk it for what it's worth and eat a ton of junk food like all the stuff my parents just stocked up our pantry with. Oh god, I can picture the cupboards full of stuff right now: Peak Freans cream filled cookies, white bread that I can toast and slather with butter and dust with sugar, instant ramen tnoodles, froot loops with milk, freshly baked banana bread, the list goes on. What the hell am I going to do to distract myself? Maybe I should take a sleeping pill and go to bed before I get myself into trouble.
I know I should eat something, even a salad, but that seems to substantial. I feel pure now, having subsisted on barely anything the past 3-4 days. I feel etherial, like I'm floating on air, slightly lightheaded, a bit detached from the world. I am afraid. I want to eat but I can't.
Good news: Edema has gone down a lot!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Heart attack?
I saw the ED doc on Friday and she was being so abrupt and brisk with me, I thought she was mad, so I asked her about it. Her response was, "It's just really hard to see someone dying, which you are. I'm not mad at you though, I know how hard it is, the sicker you get, the harder it is to pull yourself out of it, even if you want to." The edema really alarmed her because apparently it's caused by the blood vessels being so weak that they are unable to hold the fluid in so it leaks out into the tissues instead - only present in severe cases of malnutrition. I left the appointment feeling scared and shocked at everything she told me, especially the part about being at risk for a heart attack any second.
That same night, I was lying in my bed reading cookbooks and I suddenly got this chest pain and shortness of breath. It was sort of down my sternum and it hurt more when I breathed deeper. It was the most miserable night I'd ever spent... I honestly thought I was dying but I couldn't move. Then at 5am I tried to get out of bed but it took me 2 hours to muster up the strength to roll over and push through the pain to sit up. I don't know if it was a heart attack or something cardiac related but it was fucking scary as hell. I kept thinking, what if i die tonight? did I say goodbye properly to everyone? Is there anything I need to do RIGHT NOW before I die? I didn't go to emergency because I didn't want to overreact and have them tell me it's nothing and feel even more like crap, but looking back, i probably should have gone. You know how it is, minimizing everything, telling yourself everything is fine when it's not...
The good thing is that the chest pain broke the purging cycle. Now hopefully I can take this and run with it like a few months ago when I had the stomach flu and then I went p-free for almost a month. That's my goal, to purely restrict, no purging for me. Hmm... we'll see how that goes. Then my heart will have a rest too if I am not purging, right?
That same night, I was lying in my bed reading cookbooks and I suddenly got this chest pain and shortness of breath. It was sort of down my sternum and it hurt more when I breathed deeper. It was the most miserable night I'd ever spent... I honestly thought I was dying but I couldn't move. Then at 5am I tried to get out of bed but it took me 2 hours to muster up the strength to roll over and push through the pain to sit up. I don't know if it was a heart attack or something cardiac related but it was fucking scary as hell. I kept thinking, what if i die tonight? did I say goodbye properly to everyone? Is there anything I need to do RIGHT NOW before I die? I didn't go to emergency because I didn't want to overreact and have them tell me it's nothing and feel even more like crap, but looking back, i probably should have gone. You know how it is, minimizing everything, telling yourself everything is fine when it's not...
The good thing is that the chest pain broke the purging cycle. Now hopefully I can take this and run with it like a few months ago when I had the stomach flu and then I went p-free for almost a month. That's my goal, to purely restrict, no purging for me. Hmm... we'll see how that goes. Then my heart will have a rest too if I am not purging, right?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sick/Vacation Time
I'm sick... and I'm at work right now.
sore throat, runny nose, fever... it better not be that H1N1 thing...
maybe it's just from wearing my body down and the sore throat is from purging... that's entirely possible too.
My ex is looking after my son this week. The daycare is closed for their annual vacation/shutdown and we had to figure out childcare arrangements. I'm a little worried because he's going to be unemployed as of next week, when his contract is over. The economy is not good for job-seekers right now so I'm crossing his fingers that he finds something because I can't take on any more responsibility than I already have for daycare payments, etc. for Zach. With IP looming ahead, I'm saving all my sick time and vacation time for then. So, in the meantime I'm torturing myself here, freezing at my desk, sniffling and coughing away and trying to get through the mountain of accounting reports from the weekend. Hey, at least i'm being productive!
It seems like everything and everyone is turning against me. To minimize using sick/vacation time, I used to be allowed to combine my lunch break and 2 coffee breaks (1.5 hrs) and leave work early for my appointments but now our union is cracking down on all of that. They're still willing to be flexible and let me make up the time instead of taking sick/vacation but I will have to start early and/or stay late instead of using my lunch. I know I shouldn't take it personally but this is just one more stress that I don't need to deal with right now. My supervisor was very apologetic and kind about it but I still felt like I had been reprimanded. I left her office wanting to cry. Wanting to just get away from everything, curl up in a hole and disappear. I'm so sensitive these days, it feels like my nerves are exposed and even the lightest touch is too painful. Things that don't bother others get under my skin to make me feel like crap. I totally need some training in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation. I already feel dead inside, now it just has to be reflected on the outside.
sore throat, runny nose, fever... it better not be that H1N1 thing...
maybe it's just from wearing my body down and the sore throat is from purging... that's entirely possible too.
My ex is looking after my son this week. The daycare is closed for their annual vacation/shutdown and we had to figure out childcare arrangements. I'm a little worried because he's going to be unemployed as of next week, when his contract is over. The economy is not good for job-seekers right now so I'm crossing his fingers that he finds something because I can't take on any more responsibility than I already have for daycare payments, etc. for Zach. With IP looming ahead, I'm saving all my sick time and vacation time for then. So, in the meantime I'm torturing myself here, freezing at my desk, sniffling and coughing away and trying to get through the mountain of accounting reports from the weekend. Hey, at least i'm being productive!
It seems like everything and everyone is turning against me. To minimize using sick/vacation time, I used to be allowed to combine my lunch break and 2 coffee breaks (1.5 hrs) and leave work early for my appointments but now our union is cracking down on all of that. They're still willing to be flexible and let me make up the time instead of taking sick/vacation but I will have to start early and/or stay late instead of using my lunch. I know I shouldn't take it personally but this is just one more stress that I don't need to deal with right now. My supervisor was very apologetic and kind about it but I still felt like I had been reprimanded. I left her office wanting to cry. Wanting to just get away from everything, curl up in a hole and disappear. I'm so sensitive these days, it feels like my nerves are exposed and even the lightest touch is too painful. Things that don't bother others get under my skin to make me feel like crap. I totally need some training in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation. I already feel dead inside, now it just has to be reflected on the outside.
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