i feel as though my will has been broken in here. they are winning by force.
Being certified pretty much means i'm screwed and i can't get away with anything. They can do whatever they want to me. One nurse said that in about a week I can ask the doctor if I'm still "certifiable". The moment I am medically stable they cannot legally hold me here. Unfortunately, right now my bloodwork is totally abnormal. I'm still dehydrated even after 3 days of straight IV's. Blood cell count is low, protein is low, I still have edema, Magnesium is still low despite IV's every day, Kidneys are showing problems too. OMG... I hope this stuff all works itself out soon so that I can go home.
They noticed that i've been tampering with my feeding tube and the nutrition supplement in the bag, so now i'm not allowed any cups or drinks in my room. i also must be supervised every time i go to the bathroom. i'm still 100% on the tube, no solid food yet and it's been almost 4 days. I'm not ready to eat any solids yet, but maybe next week. I'm currently struggling enough with accepting tube feedings, I'm not sure I could face actually eating (ie. feeding myself) especially not at the table with the other girls.
they also upped my anti-anxiety meds basically to sedate me so that i'm too sleepy to tamper with the tube. this goes against everything i believe in. i have always fought so hard to stay off anti-depressants and to be chemical-free and now i get meds 4x per day without a say in it at all because i'm certified. i hate how they keep pulling that phrase. "well... unfortunately you are certified so you have to do xyz".
The terrible truth is that weight gain is inevitable in order to get out so I might as well stop fucking with the tube because the slower I gain the weight the longer I will be in here, right? I'm scared I won't be able to lose the weight when I get out.
My mom brought my son to visit me today. It was great seeing him but also really sad. He kept asking me to come home and he pointed at the NG tube and asked, what's that? and then pointed to the IV in my arm and asked what that was too. He hugged me and sat on my lap and asked, "Mommy sick?" Later my mom phoned to tell me he was really sad after they left the hospital. He said, "Next time bring Mommy home". Aww... that breaks my heart. I want to be with him. I don't want to miss out on the milestones especially since he's growing so fast and changing to quickly these days. Every day he does something new and remarkable and I'm not there to see it. At least I know he is in good hands with my mom, dad and sister. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be stuck in this hospital either. Everything seems so impossible right now.
But if you do not eat and gain some weight, get your labs normal, etc, you will die unfortauntely.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you don't sign yourself out AMA as soon as you get the chance. You NEED to be in there. As you said, you don't want to miss any milestones so do your best to get healthy so you don't.
I cried reading this because not only are you suffering from all of this but so is Zach. If you're feeling helpless because you don't how to get better, imagine how helpless Zach feels because he can't make his mommy better.
ReplyDeleteYou need to get better. Not just solve the problem of gaining of weight to get out but actually embrace the therapy and the support and get your life back. You have a right to life and a very large part of that right is because you have a right to raise your son. To see him grow and learn. You need to fight for that right to life.
If you think are missing out on Zach's life NOW, what do you think it will be like if you get out of the hospital and just start starving yourself all over again? Tianne, you have to CHOOSE to get better, not just to get out of the hospital but to LIVE. To be there for your son. Other wise you are going to miss out on his entire life, not just on a few milestones.
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