Trying a Meal Plan

It is getting slightly easier to be here. That's a relief because I still have 2 more weeks (give or take). That doesn't mean that I like it by any more than before, I just mean that it's more tolerable. I no longer have that crazy drive inside me that says "you need to get out, you need to get out". I have spent some time chatting with the other girls which makes it easier to pass the time and to feel less alone. The new shared room situation has actually worked out quite well. I prefer the new room that I am in as it is much cozier and warmer than my private room before. 2 girls are going home today. I'm so excited for them but their freedom reminds me of the fact that I am still here. There are 2 new girls here today too. I felt anxious about them coming because of the comparision/competitive thing, but I'm still as skinny if not skinnier, so that gives me some peace.

Yesterday was my first day attempting a meal plan. The funny thing is, I thought it went quite well but when I met with the psychiatrist she said, "So, Tia, It looks like you had a rough time today with your meal plan". I was like, "WHAT!? I thought I managed to cope with it pretty well!" However, what "they" see tends to be different from what "I" see a lot of the time. Anyways, they have reduced my meal plan and we are continuing with night feeds through the NG. I'm OK with that because the tube has kind of become my security blanket. IT was a HUGE battle to get them to do this. They wanted the tube out altogether but that was one thing I was adamant about. I'm prepared to try eating part of my meal but I'm not prepared to go cold turkey. Since I'm putting effort in, they need to meet me halfway and finally I got them to see my side and to work out a plan we are all happy with.

I'm still on an IV for magnesium deficiency and dehydration. Still need vitals and bloodwork done 2x/day. I'm shocked that after 7 days of IV's I still need to be on one. I am starting to see a little better now just how fucked up my body was before I came in.

The problem is that I am terrified of liquid calories, so replacing with Boost or Ensure is almost scarier than eating the food.