I had honest-to-god 100% good intentions to stay on track with my meal plan during my long (4hr) pass on the weekend. Then the moment I got out of the hospital, I fucked up. I purged. It was as though my brain clicked into "habit" mode and it was a train-wreck heading for disaster. I thought I could do this. I really believed in myself.
On the ward I was doing so well. Under controlled, supervised conditions, I can do this. With freedom comes fear. Everything slipped through my fingers like sand all within moments.
Showing posts with label IP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IP. Show all posts
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
In the middle
I am ambivalent in every aspect of my life. I equally desire two polar opposite things with the same amount of passion. And therefore, I stay stuck in one place - this terrible middle ground. In this place you don't know where you're going and the time seem to repeat itself year after year.
My mind can come up with strong arguments for both sides of an issue. So strong that I end up not knowing what I really want because I can rationalize and justify anything but there is none of my feeling/intuition behind those arguments. I don't know how to connect logic with emotion.
This time in the hospital I feel a slight mental shift. I have a small grain of sensation that I *could* do this. Maybe, just maybe I want it enough to TRY.
But I'm as afraid to succeed as I am to fail.
My mind can come up with strong arguments for both sides of an issue. So strong that I end up not knowing what I really want because I can rationalize and justify anything but there is none of my feeling/intuition behind those arguments. I don't know how to connect logic with emotion.
This time in the hospital I feel a slight mental shift. I have a small grain of sensation that I *could* do this. Maybe, just maybe I want it enough to TRY.
But I'm as afraid to succeed as I am to fail.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Weigh Day
It was weigh day.
Let's just say there were a lot of unhappy campers.
I'm kinda 50-50 on it. My weight went up quite a bit (FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS) but my meal plan is not going to be increased from the basic/intro meal plan because my weight went up ie. my metabolism is shot to hell (RELIEVED NOT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MORE FOOD).
It makes me wonder if I ever do recover, if I'll never be able to eat a normal amt of food because of the damage to my metabolism.
It was extremely difficult to get through meals yesterday with the weight gain in the back of my mind as well as witnessing the other people struggling so hard at the table as a result of the weigh in. Some people who had been eating almost all their meals began replacing 100% of the meal, not taking a single bite off their tray. It was so hard to watch, but I do not fault anyone. Every person has their own struggle and their own timeline. I just feel guilty for eating 50% of my meal when someone else is eating 0%. Even if they are replacing with Boost.
Let's just say there were a lot of unhappy campers.
I'm kinda 50-50 on it. My weight went up quite a bit (FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS) but my meal plan is not going to be increased from the basic/intro meal plan because my weight went up ie. my metabolism is shot to hell (RELIEVED NOT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MORE FOOD).
It makes me wonder if I ever do recover, if I'll never be able to eat a normal amt of food because of the damage to my metabolism.
It was extremely difficult to get through meals yesterday with the weight gain in the back of my mind as well as witnessing the other people struggling so hard at the table as a result of the weigh in. Some people who had been eating almost all their meals began replacing 100% of the meal, not taking a single bite off their tray. It was so hard to watch, but I do not fault anyone. Every person has their own struggle and their own timeline. I just feel guilty for eating 50% of my meal when someone else is eating 0%. Even if they are replacing with Boost.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Visit from parents
My parents came to visit me for the first time yesterday. I was extremely anxious about it the whole day before the visit and the morning of the visit. I don't want to interact with anybody from the outside world right now. It sounds so boring, but I really only want to talk to people who understand what it's really like, so I don't have to expend energy on explaining it only to get a superficial, trivial answer. People who don't know the depth and bredth of this disorder and who just want to help often say things like, "why don't you see a nutritionist and try following a meal plan?". Yes, I agree that would be helpful and I'm doing that, but there is so much more to all of this. To even BEGIN to explain it is a daunting task. So I only choose to go into detail with people who will truly be impactful in my life. For the others, I just smile, nod, and say thank you.
I was afraid the visit would involve fighting over some insignificant issue as is usually the case. But it was a really good visit. We stayed neutral and respectful of each other. Bonus: She snuck in 2 boxes of CRYSTAL LITE! My mom is hilarious. She brings me gum, crystal lite and other contraband.
Victory: I completed 1 grain (1 pc. ww toast) without replacing it at dinner last night. The volume of Boost I am needing to replace at my meals is decreasing.
Struggle: I cannot mentally focus enough to read. I haven't read a novel in >2 years. It puts me to sleep, no matter how interesting the topic. I need to 'relearn' how to read.
Goals: One of our goals was to think of our longterm or "bigger picture" goals. Then to drill down slowly to medium term, short term and immediate goals. Then to make the connection how the short term ones connect to the longterm and lifelong goals, so TODAY you might have to do something you don't want to do (ie. eat meal plan) in order to fulfill the overarching goals. This logic brought me a little more focus to my life. I want to move forward, but I need to undertake the challenge that is right in front of my face before I can tackle the bigger challenge. Starting with the little things.
I was afraid the visit would involve fighting over some insignificant issue as is usually the case. But it was a really good visit. We stayed neutral and respectful of each other. Bonus: She snuck in 2 boxes of CRYSTAL LITE! My mom is hilarious. She brings me gum, crystal lite and other contraband.
Victory: I completed 1 grain (1 pc. ww toast) without replacing it at dinner last night. The volume of Boost I am needing to replace at my meals is decreasing.
Struggle: I cannot mentally focus enough to read. I haven't read a novel in >2 years. It puts me to sleep, no matter how interesting the topic. I need to 'relearn' how to read.
Goals: One of our goals was to think of our longterm or "bigger picture" goals. Then to drill down slowly to medium term, short term and immediate goals. Then to make the connection how the short term ones connect to the longterm and lifelong goals, so TODAY you might have to do something you don't want to do (ie. eat meal plan) in order to fulfill the overarching goals. This logic brought me a little more focus to my life. I want to move forward, but I need to undertake the challenge that is right in front of my face before I can tackle the bigger challenge. Starting with the little things.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tension Rising
The tension in here is rising, especially around mealtimes. That nice, comfortable setting I talked about before, well that's rapidly being eroded.
I am triggering to people. I have been told this directly. Why?
1) I eat too slowly
2) My bite sizes are too small
3) I push food around my plate
4) I replace at every meal
5) I use a teaspoon to eat instead of a regular sized spoon.
6) I break my crackers into little bits
Mind you, the meal support person has not called me out on a single thing and I'm sitting right beside her. I'm not trying to disobey the rules here, maybe I'm just not 100% conscious of what I'm doing to be triggering. Everyone does furtive, eD shit here. I'm not the only one. So why do I feel like I'm being singled out?
I have also been told that one girl here does not like me and I should stay away from her. This came as a complete shock to me - I have barely had any interaction with this person - definitely no negative interactions that I know of, so how could she possibly dislike me? The person who told me said she doesn't know exactly why I'm disliked, but she knows for sure that this is the case. I'm taken aback... It bothers me. It shouldn't... I shouldn't care who likes or doesn't like me because I'm supposedly in here for ME but it still gets to me. ESPECIALLY since she doesn't know me at all and doesn't have any grounds for not liking me. Literally less that 5 mins of conversation have happened between us.
In such a confined space with only 8 girls I wish everyone could just get along.
I am triggering to people. I have been told this directly. Why?
1) I eat too slowly
2) My bite sizes are too small
3) I push food around my plate
4) I replace at every meal
5) I use a teaspoon to eat instead of a regular sized spoon.
6) I break my crackers into little bits
Mind you, the meal support person has not called me out on a single thing and I'm sitting right beside her. I'm not trying to disobey the rules here, maybe I'm just not 100% conscious of what I'm doing to be triggering. Everyone does furtive, eD shit here. I'm not the only one. So why do I feel like I'm being singled out?
I have also been told that one girl here does not like me and I should stay away from her. This came as a complete shock to me - I have barely had any interaction with this person - definitely no negative interactions that I know of, so how could she possibly dislike me? The person who told me said she doesn't know exactly why I'm disliked, but she knows for sure that this is the case. I'm taken aback... It bothers me. It shouldn't... I shouldn't care who likes or doesn't like me because I'm supposedly in here for ME but it still gets to me. ESPECIALLY since she doesn't know me at all and doesn't have any grounds for not liking me. Literally less that 5 mins of conversation have happened between us.
In such a confined space with only 8 girls I wish everyone could just get along.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Doing OK
This admission has been the best one so far. I'm really seeing this time all the benefits I can get from being here - besides the obvious one of medical stabilization and meal plan adherence - I see that I can get a lot of support around family therapy, occupational therapy, dealing with triggers and practical plans to help me stop the black and white thinking when i get out... ie. one slip doesn't mean that ALL is lost.
I think of it like a string of beads. When the string gets cut, all the beads fall to the floor. But if you put a little knot between each bead, then when the string snaps, they don't all come tumbling off because each one is held in place. It has felt like in the past, one slip = the end of any progress I had made. My goal this time is to put knots between the beads in recovery.
The other gals in here right now are a really nice mix of people. I know a couple from previous admissions and it's just a comfortable atmosphere... as comfortable as it can be given the circumstances I guess. I'm struggling with feeling sooo full after every meal and drinking 1.5 cups of Boost PLUS (ie. 360 calories for a 250 mL serving). The grossest part is that the Boost is at room temperature now - they don't refrigerate it because they don't have a fridge for it since they can't keep it with the meds in the med fridge. I didn't think Boost could possibly get any worse.... until now that I'm drinking it warm.
I'm sorta facing a bit of a dilemma right now - I got a call saying that I am shortlisted for an interview for a job I applied for before coming into the hospital. They want to schedule the interview for next week, but I will still be in the hospital! This is a job that I REALLY want and there I would not give up the opportunity to go to this interview if my life depended on it... so I have to either get a day-long pass to go to the interview or ask for early discharge. And I have to somehow plan for the interview and do a bunch of practice questions. I want this so badly. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but I truly cannot remember the last time I have wanted something so much.
I think of it like a string of beads. When the string gets cut, all the beads fall to the floor. But if you put a little knot between each bead, then when the string snaps, they don't all come tumbling off because each one is held in place. It has felt like in the past, one slip = the end of any progress I had made. My goal this time is to put knots between the beads in recovery.
The other gals in here right now are a really nice mix of people. I know a couple from previous admissions and it's just a comfortable atmosphere... as comfortable as it can be given the circumstances I guess. I'm struggling with feeling sooo full after every meal and drinking 1.5 cups of Boost PLUS (ie. 360 calories for a 250 mL serving). The grossest part is that the Boost is at room temperature now - they don't refrigerate it because they don't have a fridge for it since they can't keep it with the meds in the med fridge. I didn't think Boost could possibly get any worse.... until now that I'm drinking it warm.
I'm sorta facing a bit of a dilemma right now - I got a call saying that I am shortlisted for an interview for a job I applied for before coming into the hospital. They want to schedule the interview for next week, but I will still be in the hospital! This is a job that I REALLY want and there I would not give up the opportunity to go to this interview if my life depended on it... so I have to either get a day-long pass to go to the interview or ask for early discharge. And I have to somehow plan for the interview and do a bunch of practice questions. I want this so badly. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but I truly cannot remember the last time I have wanted something so much.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I'm ready
Some part of me is actually looking forward to being admitted tomorrow. I will finally be saved from myself. I will finally be stopped in my tracks. I feel a strange sense of calm that I have never felt before going in. I guess I'm ready for someone else to take control for a while and to stop the chaos.
I'm leaving the house in 20 mins... wish me luck!
I'm leaving the house in 20 mins... wish me luck!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
the "Fuck it" mentality
I find that the days leading up to IP are always the most chaotic ones. I get into this "fuck it" mentality and then it's no holds barred, barrelling straight down the path to self-destruction. I have been doing nothing but binging and purging the entire weekend. Interspersed with handfuls of laxatives and diuretics.
I know I'm doing some dangerous shit... but in a way I'm toeing the line, seeing just how far I can push it because no matter what, I know that in 2 days I will be in the hospital which is a 100% controlled environment. Game over. They'll make me stop all the behaviors and they'll make me eat. Why should I even TRY right now. In 2 days it won't be a choice anymore. It is really like watching someone who is not me in a horror movie. I see them running around like a hamster on a crazy wheel, doing all this stuff and not giving a shit about living or dying.
part of me also thinks, why do all this ED stuff when you will have to get fat in a couple days anyway? Why not just TRY to eat normally for the next couple days. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm still sooo scared that I won't be "sick enough" to be there. It's so fucked up that THIS is my main concern. They'll think I'm an imposter. I'm so filled with guilt that I will be taking one of the only 7 beds in the province. ME? I don't get it... (I know I sound like a broken record, but the same thing keeps playing over and over in my brain).
I know I'm doing some dangerous shit... but in a way I'm toeing the line, seeing just how far I can push it because no matter what, I know that in 2 days I will be in the hospital which is a 100% controlled environment. Game over. They'll make me stop all the behaviors and they'll make me eat. Why should I even TRY right now. In 2 days it won't be a choice anymore. It is really like watching someone who is not me in a horror movie. I see them running around like a hamster on a crazy wheel, doing all this stuff and not giving a shit about living or dying.
part of me also thinks, why do all this ED stuff when you will have to get fat in a couple days anyway? Why not just TRY to eat normally for the next couple days. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm still sooo scared that I won't be "sick enough" to be there. It's so fucked up that THIS is my main concern. They'll think I'm an imposter. I'm so filled with guilt that I will be taking one of the only 7 beds in the province. ME? I don't get it... (I know I sound like a broken record, but the same thing keeps playing over and over in my brain).
Friday, January 28, 2011
Preparing for IP in 4 days
I'm trying to make peace with going into the hospital in 4 days. This weekend I have lists and lists of stuff to do, loose ends to tie up, etc. I'm reminding myself to trust the people who supposedly know what they are doing, to make decisions for me and to follow without putting up too much of a fight.
This time around I'm going to try not to let the little things bug me, like the power struggles between patients and staff over whether or not you can doodle in your notebook during group, blah blah blah.
The dietician phoned yesterday to pick my menus. I amazed myself at how much of the menu I can remember from the last time (5 months ago). My meal plan will be small to start - 1 item from each group at each meal + 3 snacks/day. For my protein food I picked cottage cheese each and every meal. Oh, and also for evening snack which can't be a fruit/veggie. I guess I will be eating a LOT of cottage cheese, since nothing else on the menu sounds doable right now.
Last time I didn't complete any of my meals - I replaced with Boost at every single meal :( - so that is one of my goals this time around - to finish at least one meal. The mental barrier for me is seeing the empty plate and feeling like a pig for having finished everything on the plate. Boost also feels safer because it's not like a chunk of food sitting like a brick inside you. At least it's a liquid and seems easier to digest. My mind is warped - I know that by drinking the Boost you end up consuming more calories than if you just ate the food - but yet I still opt for the Boost because it seems safer.
My workplace is incredibly supportive this time as they were the past 2 times. My supervisor is an amazing lady. I love her. She toes the line between asking questions and being supportive but yet not prying and invading my privacy. I'm pretty open with everyone since it's kinda obvious anyway. I used to hide and pretend but I'm past that point. Nobody has judged me (that I know of anyway) and the overwhelming reaction is caring and concern. A pleasant surprise!
This time around I'm going to try not to let the little things bug me, like the power struggles between patients and staff over whether or not you can doodle in your notebook during group, blah blah blah.
The dietician phoned yesterday to pick my menus. I amazed myself at how much of the menu I can remember from the last time (5 months ago). My meal plan will be small to start - 1 item from each group at each meal + 3 snacks/day. For my protein food I picked cottage cheese each and every meal. Oh, and also for evening snack which can't be a fruit/veggie. I guess I will be eating a LOT of cottage cheese, since nothing else on the menu sounds doable right now.
Last time I didn't complete any of my meals - I replaced with Boost at every single meal :( - so that is one of my goals this time around - to finish at least one meal. The mental barrier for me is seeing the empty plate and feeling like a pig for having finished everything on the plate. Boost also feels safer because it's not like a chunk of food sitting like a brick inside you. At least it's a liquid and seems easier to digest. My mind is warped - I know that by drinking the Boost you end up consuming more calories than if you just ate the food - but yet I still opt for the Boost because it seems safer.
My workplace is incredibly supportive this time as they were the past 2 times. My supervisor is an amazing lady. I love her. She toes the line between asking questions and being supportive but yet not prying and invading my privacy. I'm pretty open with everyone since it's kinda obvious anyway. I used to hide and pretend but I'm past that point. Nobody has judged me (that I know of anyway) and the overwhelming reaction is caring and concern. A pleasant surprise!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Outta IP
I'm out of IP. I ran out of sick time at work and I was also getting anxious about the weight gain (of course). I can barely look at myself in the mirror.
I'm glad I went in and I think I did learn some new skills to cope, but I also know this will not be my last round of IP treatment. Like so many I am caught in the "revolving door". My doctor pointed out that at least I'm being realistic. Even the team feels that I've been pushed as far as I can go this admission, and I'm back on the referral list for IP again, probably in 4 months or so I will go back in for a little bit. Short, frequent stays rather than long ones. I'm OK with that. Kind of like a bi-yearly tune-up you give your car or like "topping up" gas in your car. lol.
I have still yet to complete a whole meal without replacing 50% of it with Boost. I have thus drunk Boost (Vanilla is the only flavor I can tolerate) 3x per day for over 2 weeks.
I've been doing OK by my standards. I've been eating exactly 1/2 of my mealplan. No Boost. The only problem is that each meal takes me 2 hours to get through. No joke. By the time I'm done eating one meal, it's almost time for the next. The only really 'safe' food right now for me is cottage cheese. I've never understood my rationales for picking my 'safe foods' and I still don't.
I'm going to take my Zopiclone now and hit the sack. Going back to work tomorrow.
I'm glad I went in and I think I did learn some new skills to cope, but I also know this will not be my last round of IP treatment. Like so many I am caught in the "revolving door". My doctor pointed out that at least I'm being realistic. Even the team feels that I've been pushed as far as I can go this admission, and I'm back on the referral list for IP again, probably in 4 months or so I will go back in for a little bit. Short, frequent stays rather than long ones. I'm OK with that. Kind of like a bi-yearly tune-up you give your car or like "topping up" gas in your car. lol.
I have still yet to complete a whole meal without replacing 50% of it with Boost. I have thus drunk Boost (Vanilla is the only flavor I can tolerate) 3x per day for over 2 weeks.
I've been doing OK by my standards. I've been eating exactly 1/2 of my mealplan. No Boost. The only problem is that each meal takes me 2 hours to get through. No joke. By the time I'm done eating one meal, it's almost time for the next. The only really 'safe' food right now for me is cottage cheese. I've never understood my rationales for picking my 'safe foods' and I still don't.
I'm going to take my Zopiclone now and hit the sack. Going back to work tomorrow.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The outside world on a pass
I miss my bones.
The one thing that gives me peace of mind amidst all this weight gain is that I don't have my period back. It has now been 2.5 years since I stopped getting it. I don't mind. I don't want to have any more children anyway.
Mealplan increase - more Boost at every meal, since I'm having such a hard time with the actual food but I can deal with the Boost. I'm so full after every meal. The food just sits there in my stomach and even 2 hours after the meal I can feel it there. After lunch the food doesn't get a chance to move down before I know it, it's snack time and then dinner. It feels like I can't breathe from the anxiety of it and the physical reality that my torso is experiencing a loss of space due to the food.
I got a surprisingly long pass yesterday - 2.5 hours to spend with my son in the park. I was pretty anxious before the pass because I have only seen him two times in the past couple of weeks and I didn't know how he would react to me. I also remembered being so overwhelmingly exhaused by looking after him in the past, so that piece caused some anxiety too for sure. Today I expended more energy playing in the park and chasing after Zach than I have since the beginning of IP where all I've done is walk 10 feet from the kitchen to my room and back.
The pass went smoothly, but there's still a big ball of anxiety in me around looking after my son. I'm terrified of the physically draining effect it has on me but at the same time I'm overcome with guilt at even THINKING that I wouldn't want to spend 100% of my time devoted to him. I also got lots of looks from other parents at the park. Typical of people being curious, they glanced at me, saw my still somewhat bony appearance, glanced at the hospital band and the IV saline lock still in my arm and then kept staring while trying to appear that they weren't staring.
IP has opened my eyes to the fact that I like arts and crafts. I've been painting little wooden boxes and wooden plaques here. An inspirational quote I found (a proverb) that I painted was, "Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams".
The one thing that gives me peace of mind amidst all this weight gain is that I don't have my period back. It has now been 2.5 years since I stopped getting it. I don't mind. I don't want to have any more children anyway.
Mealplan increase - more Boost at every meal, since I'm having such a hard time with the actual food but I can deal with the Boost. I'm so full after every meal. The food just sits there in my stomach and even 2 hours after the meal I can feel it there. After lunch the food doesn't get a chance to move down before I know it, it's snack time and then dinner. It feels like I can't breathe from the anxiety of it and the physical reality that my torso is experiencing a loss of space due to the food.
I got a surprisingly long pass yesterday - 2.5 hours to spend with my son in the park. I was pretty anxious before the pass because I have only seen him two times in the past couple of weeks and I didn't know how he would react to me. I also remembered being so overwhelmingly exhaused by looking after him in the past, so that piece caused some anxiety too for sure. Today I expended more energy playing in the park and chasing after Zach than I have since the beginning of IP where all I've done is walk 10 feet from the kitchen to my room and back.
The pass went smoothly, but there's still a big ball of anxiety in me around looking after my son. I'm terrified of the physically draining effect it has on me but at the same time I'm overcome with guilt at even THINKING that I wouldn't want to spend 100% of my time devoted to him. I also got lots of looks from other parents at the park. Typical of people being curious, they glanced at me, saw my still somewhat bony appearance, glanced at the hospital band and the IV saline lock still in my arm and then kept staring while trying to appear that they weren't staring.
IP has opened my eyes to the fact that I like arts and crafts. I've been painting little wooden boxes and wooden plaques here. An inspirational quote I found (a proverb) that I painted was, "Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams".
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Confined and controlled
According to my treatment time, I'm not allowed to have any passes.
I can understand not having any snack passes (I'm still not completeing meals, still struggling a lot), but they aren't giving me ANY at all. I don't understand. I'm not on bed rest, I'm somewhat stable medically (there are other more unstable people than me who get to go on passes. not FAIR!!!) and I have been pretty compliant with everything. I just feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It's so frustrating to give up your power and have people - docs, nurses, 'the team' - decide all the tiny details of your life. They are responsible for granting my wish which is a simple desire to go out for 15 minutes for some fresh air.
I'm getting so sick of meal support people being inconsistent and the rules changing constantly. The trays come up late for meals then WE have to take the hit by mealtimes being cut short and having to drink the Boost replacements in 2 mins flat. Chug chug chug. I feel like this ball of anxiety is welling up inside me. I feel like I can't breathe.
I can understand not having any snack passes (I'm still not completeing meals, still struggling a lot), but they aren't giving me ANY at all. I don't understand. I'm not on bed rest, I'm somewhat stable medically (there are other more unstable people than me who get to go on passes. not FAIR!!!) and I have been pretty compliant with everything. I just feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It's so frustrating to give up your power and have people - docs, nurses, 'the team' - decide all the tiny details of your life. They are responsible for granting my wish which is a simple desire to go out for 15 minutes for some fresh air.
I'm getting so sick of meal support people being inconsistent and the rules changing constantly. The trays come up late for meals then WE have to take the hit by mealtimes being cut short and having to drink the Boost replacements in 2 mins flat. Chug chug chug. I feel like this ball of anxiety is welling up inside me. I feel like I can't breathe.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Mealtime Stresses
I don't want visitors, I haven't seen my son since I dropped him off at daycare before being admitted here. I am finding it really hard to socialize with the girls here even though last time that was one of the best parts about being here - making connections.
This time I feel like an outcast. I don't connect with a lot of them. They've already formed close friendships before I got there. So I retreat to my room between groups and meals. I think I trigger one of the girls at the table. She keeps giving me the evil eye and when we talk about table rules she always points out things that I do that aren't 'following the rules'.
It doesn't help that I'm the only one replacing at every single meal and I can feel the pressure on me (real or imagined, I'm not sure) while the time ticks away on the clock. 30 mins for breakfast, 45 mins for lunch and dinner, 15 mins for snacks. Awkward silence takes on a whole new meaning. The silence as we wait for the nurse to check our trays, to count out how many servings we need to replace, to go and measure and pour out the Boost Plus and then the worst part: everyone sits and waits for me to sip up the thick, sugary, vanilla flavored liquid.
Nobody is very talkative at mealtimes because I guess we've got one huge thing on our minds and on the table: the food. I feel this huge wave of anxiety wash over me about halfway through the meal when I see how much is left of my plate in relation to the amount of time that's left.
I wish I understood why it's easier to replace with Boost than to just eat the food. It's probably the same number of calories food or replacement, so why can't I do the food? Why can't I just take normal bites? I'm not the newest person here yet my spot is still stuck right beside the nurse at the table. Just like last time, they're suspicious. Maybe I can't be trusted. I guess that would be pretty accurate to say.
This time I feel like an outcast. I don't connect with a lot of them. They've already formed close friendships before I got there. So I retreat to my room between groups and meals. I think I trigger one of the girls at the table. She keeps giving me the evil eye and when we talk about table rules she always points out things that I do that aren't 'following the rules'.
It doesn't help that I'm the only one replacing at every single meal and I can feel the pressure on me (real or imagined, I'm not sure) while the time ticks away on the clock. 30 mins for breakfast, 45 mins for lunch and dinner, 15 mins for snacks. Awkward silence takes on a whole new meaning. The silence as we wait for the nurse to check our trays, to count out how many servings we need to replace, to go and measure and pour out the Boost Plus and then the worst part: everyone sits and waits for me to sip up the thick, sugary, vanilla flavored liquid.
Nobody is very talkative at mealtimes because I guess we've got one huge thing on our minds and on the table: the food. I feel this huge wave of anxiety wash over me about halfway through the meal when I see how much is left of my plate in relation to the amount of time that's left.
I wish I understood why it's easier to replace with Boost than to just eat the food. It's probably the same number of calories food or replacement, so why can't I do the food? Why can't I just take normal bites? I'm not the newest person here yet my spot is still stuck right beside the nurse at the table. Just like last time, they're suspicious. Maybe I can't be trusted. I guess that would be pretty accurate to say.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I survived IP day 1
Day 1 is always the hardest. And I survived Day 1. Ya! Being pulled in all different directions by the nurses, psychiatrists, nutritionist, lab techs (blood), IV therapy, doctors, pharmacists... It took us 4 tries just go get through the initial intake interview because of all the interruptions.
I did OK today I think. Definitely less anxiety than during my last admission... but maybe that's due to the high dose of Serequel I took. Being my second time, I knew what to expect and I was already familiar with the environmemt. Not a lot has changed since the last time I was in, they have just become more strict with a bunch of rules.
Lunch was a bit stressful - the first meal I ate after being admitted - I didn't manage to eat everything on my meal plan at any meal, even though it is a pretty small meal plan, or so they say. I managed 1/2 piece of dry toast and the steamed broccoli. I have a feeling I will be soooo sick of Boost pretty soon. I am proud to announce: NO NG TUBE!!! Even if I can't eat "food-food" at least I'm drinking the Boost rather than tubed, right?
I didn't get a chance to talk to the nutritionist before I was admitted so she had ordered my trays for me and that probably added to the anxiety I felt, not knowing what would be on the tray ahead of time.
My Meal Plan (I estimate this to be about 1500-1800 cals)
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit
morning snack: none
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
afternoon stack: 1 item
D: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
eve snack: 1 item (cannot be fruit/veg)
I did OK today I think. Definitely less anxiety than during my last admission... but maybe that's due to the high dose of Serequel I took. Being my second time, I knew what to expect and I was already familiar with the environmemt. Not a lot has changed since the last time I was in, they have just become more strict with a bunch of rules.
Lunch was a bit stressful - the first meal I ate after being admitted - I didn't manage to eat everything on my meal plan at any meal, even though it is a pretty small meal plan, or so they say. I managed 1/2 piece of dry toast and the steamed broccoli. I have a feeling I will be soooo sick of Boost pretty soon. I am proud to announce: NO NG TUBE!!! Even if I can't eat "food-food" at least I'm drinking the Boost rather than tubed, right?
I didn't get a chance to talk to the nutritionist before I was admitted so she had ordered my trays for me and that probably added to the anxiety I felt, not knowing what would be on the tray ahead of time.
My Meal Plan (I estimate this to be about 1500-1800 cals)
B: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit
morning snack: none
L: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
afternoon stack: 1 item
D: 1 starch, 1 protein, 1 milk, 1 fruit/veg, 1 fat
eve snack: 1 item (cannot be fruit/veg)
Monday, August 16, 2010
The eve of IP
In less than 12 hours I will be temporatily giving up my freedom to the treatment team at the hospital. Today was a crazy rush of activity as I tried to get my things in order and as up to date as I can before I go in.
I don't know how long it'll be. 1 week, 3 weeks? more?
I've brought lots of books and crosswords. I'm afraid of being bored. All that free time means time to think and get depressed or wallow in my pessimistic mind. I normally fill my days running from work to home to mommyhood to bed. There's no time to think and I prefer it that way.
I know the first day will be the hardest. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in there. Maybe I don't deserve this spot. After all, I'm not being certified this time. It's voluntary. The whole "voluntary" part makes me cringe: By not refusing treatment I'm CHOOSING to put myself through one of the toughest things ever.
I don't wanna be tubed this time. Even if I can't manage the solids, I will try to drink the Boost orally. Don't wanna mess up my sinuses with the ng, although it really is mentally easier to just lie there and let it drip into you. Less guilt around eating since you're not really "eating". Fucked up rationale. I'm bringing a whole bunch of baggy clothes. To hide my fatness. Oh God, I hope I don't outgrow all my clothes while I'm there.
Just like last year, my bags aren't packed yet. I'm pretending that tomorrow is a normal day, that I'm not going to be hospitalized. My mind won't accept it until it actually happens. Shit, that's gonna be soon.
I don't know how long it'll be. 1 week, 3 weeks? more?
I've brought lots of books and crosswords. I'm afraid of being bored. All that free time means time to think and get depressed or wallow in my pessimistic mind. I normally fill my days running from work to home to mommyhood to bed. There's no time to think and I prefer it that way.
I know the first day will be the hardest. I'm afraid of being judged by the other people in there. Maybe I don't deserve this spot. After all, I'm not being certified this time. It's voluntary. The whole "voluntary" part makes me cringe: By not refusing treatment I'm CHOOSING to put myself through one of the toughest things ever.
I don't wanna be tubed this time. Even if I can't manage the solids, I will try to drink the Boost orally. Don't wanna mess up my sinuses with the ng, although it really is mentally easier to just lie there and let it drip into you. Less guilt around eating since you're not really "eating". Fucked up rationale. I'm bringing a whole bunch of baggy clothes. To hide my fatness. Oh God, I hope I don't outgrow all my clothes while I'm there.
Just like last year, my bags aren't packed yet. I'm pretending that tomorrow is a normal day, that I'm not going to be hospitalized. My mind won't accept it until it actually happens. Shit, that's gonna be soon.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
IP in 2 weeks
I'm semi-set to go into the hospital in a couple weeks from now. I tried to push it as far back as I could. My birthday is July 21 and I really don't want to be stuck in there over my birthday, but I think the timing would suck no matter WHEN it happens, so... meh.
This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:
I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.
I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.
This time I won't be certified, so I will have a little more say in treatment, whatever that means. I'm terrified that I will be the fattest person there. I'm convinced of it. Here's just another reason why I love my therapist:
I went into my appointment dead set on refusing IP but over the course of our 1 hour session my T said something that opened my eyes and managed to turn my mind around. A life lesson she has learned personally is that when an opportunity presents itself, you should take it and not say "I'll do it later" because "Later" the circumstances might be different and you wouldn't want to look back and regret not doing it X months ago. It kind of goes hand in hand with my decision making question I ask myself: Which option would I regret more? Not going or going? I think the likelihood of me regretting going are slimmer than if I didn't give myself this chance.
I just wish I weren't so fucking fat. I don't want the skinny minny's and nurses to look at me and wonder what such a fat cow is doing in the hospital.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Call for IP round 2
OMG... the hospital called today and said they have an IP date for me. In 2 weeks. 2 measly effing weeks. Eek... I can't go! How can it be so soon? It's been less than 9 months since I've been out of IP. I'm surviving... sorta...
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Goodbye IP
There is so much to update about, I know I'm going to forget something, but here goes. I have been terrible at keeping up with updates during the last week of IP and after being discharged. It's been almost 1 week since I left. (Discharged on Thurs, Oct. 8th). The last week in the hospital went by in a blur. I learned how to crochet from the rec. therapist. I am in the process of making a navy blue scarf for Zach. I hope he likes it! I gained quite a bit of weight since the dietitician increase my mealplan quite a bit the last week seeing as I lost weight the first 2 weeks. I felt so full all day long and the food never really got a chance to digest before I had to eat again. Every 2-3 hours they are feeding you. I was so uncomfortable I pretty much just kept a blanket wrapped around me all day long.
2 of the other girls I got close to left the same week - one day before and one day after me, so that made me really happy that we were all saying goodbye to IP together instead of feeling like one was leaving the other behind. I hope they do well... we're going to try and keep in touch and do dinner at least once a month (and try to actually eat it!) The doctor doesn't seem to have much faith in me as she said she's putting my name back on the IP waitlist again and expects me to be back. She also has me set up for outpatient tube feedings 2x per week (tues/wed) to "try and keep you out of IP for as long as we can". I see her tomorrow and I am going to tell her that I don't want the OP feeds. I want to see how I do on my own first and then if I need it then I can do them. Besides, how much good could it possibly do, being tube fed for just 2 days a week. It makes me feel like a car getting filled with gas then being sent on my merry way. LOL.
Good news: I survived! I'm getting back into the routine of things. Back to work yesterday, trying to catch up on emails and piles of paperwork, although my supervisor was awesome and kept everything so organized and detailed exactly what she had done/not done so it was easy for me to slide back into things. Everyone here has been really respectful and hasn't asked any questions or made any comments, good or bad. I'd rather that they keep quiet and even if they think I look "healthier" or "better" that they not tell me because it would be hard to hear.
Before I went in, I was feeling really displaced with Zach and my mom. Zach ADORES his nana and i started feeling like it wouldn't matter to him if I wasn't there, but ever since I got home he's been glued to my side. He only wants me to hold his hand, he wants to be with me 24/7 and for us to spend lots of one-on-one time together. It's been awesome and I'm now recharged and my motivation to be the best mom i can be is renewed.
Bad news: The swelling/edema came back 2 days before discharge and they wanted to keep me for longer because they weren't sure why it had come back after being gone for almost 2 weeks! I also started becoming dehydrated and needing more IV's of saline in addition to the daily magnesium. The swelling made me gain a ton of water weight so my last weigh in was totally inaccurate and as a result I have no idea what my 'real' weight is, which drives me nuts and puts me right back in the same place as BEFORE i went in... my head is still so messed up with what's real vs water weight and this leads to purging to get rid of the extra water which then dehydrates me and puts me in a worse position than before, but i somehow can't break the cycle. Shit. It feels like this whole IP stay was useless since I'm back to square 1.
Since being discharged I have slipped a lot. My goal of IP was to stop the purging cycle (but not necessarily stop restricting). Well, the day I was discharged I purged. And every day since then I have been right back to my old routine of staying up until 2 or 3 AM b/p-ing. It feels like I have failed. Nothing has changed. I'm still restricting, I've lost almost all the weight I gained except for 2-3 lbs. I wish I knew what it would take for me to truly recover and for the changes to "stick" because obviously the past 3 weeks in the hospital didn't do it. I feel like it was a waste of time even though I am so glad to have made the friends that I did in the program.
I miss the nurses and the constant support. I think part of the problem with me relapsing is the way the program is structured. It's a medical program, not necessarily a therapeutic one. They just want to get you medically stable. I feel as if I've been just thrown back into my old life: same stresses, same routine, same everything as before. Of course people are going to relapse without being taught coping skills and without proper discharge planning for when you get home. I'm a bit disappointed but overall still glad for the experience. At least next time I won't be as terrified about going in since I will know what to expect.
2 of the other girls I got close to left the same week - one day before and one day after me, so that made me really happy that we were all saying goodbye to IP together instead of feeling like one was leaving the other behind. I hope they do well... we're going to try and keep in touch and do dinner at least once a month (and try to actually eat it!) The doctor doesn't seem to have much faith in me as she said she's putting my name back on the IP waitlist again and expects me to be back. She also has me set up for outpatient tube feedings 2x per week (tues/wed) to "try and keep you out of IP for as long as we can". I see her tomorrow and I am going to tell her that I don't want the OP feeds. I want to see how I do on my own first and then if I need it then I can do them. Besides, how much good could it possibly do, being tube fed for just 2 days a week. It makes me feel like a car getting filled with gas then being sent on my merry way. LOL.
Good news: I survived! I'm getting back into the routine of things. Back to work yesterday, trying to catch up on emails and piles of paperwork, although my supervisor was awesome and kept everything so organized and detailed exactly what she had done/not done so it was easy for me to slide back into things. Everyone here has been really respectful and hasn't asked any questions or made any comments, good or bad. I'd rather that they keep quiet and even if they think I look "healthier" or "better" that they not tell me because it would be hard to hear.
Before I went in, I was feeling really displaced with Zach and my mom. Zach ADORES his nana and i started feeling like it wouldn't matter to him if I wasn't there, but ever since I got home he's been glued to my side. He only wants me to hold his hand, he wants to be with me 24/7 and for us to spend lots of one-on-one time together. It's been awesome and I'm now recharged and my motivation to be the best mom i can be is renewed.
Bad news: The swelling/edema came back 2 days before discharge and they wanted to keep me for longer because they weren't sure why it had come back after being gone for almost 2 weeks! I also started becoming dehydrated and needing more IV's of saline in addition to the daily magnesium. The swelling made me gain a ton of water weight so my last weigh in was totally inaccurate and as a result I have no idea what my 'real' weight is, which drives me nuts and puts me right back in the same place as BEFORE i went in... my head is still so messed up with what's real vs water weight and this leads to purging to get rid of the extra water which then dehydrates me and puts me in a worse position than before, but i somehow can't break the cycle. Shit. It feels like this whole IP stay was useless since I'm back to square 1.
Since being discharged I have slipped a lot. My goal of IP was to stop the purging cycle (but not necessarily stop restricting). Well, the day I was discharged I purged. And every day since then I have been right back to my old routine of staying up until 2 or 3 AM b/p-ing. It feels like I have failed. Nothing has changed. I'm still restricting, I've lost almost all the weight I gained except for 2-3 lbs. I wish I knew what it would take for me to truly recover and for the changes to "stick" because obviously the past 3 weeks in the hospital didn't do it. I feel like it was a waste of time even though I am so glad to have made the friends that I did in the program.
I miss the nurses and the constant support. I think part of the problem with me relapsing is the way the program is structured. It's a medical program, not necessarily a therapeutic one. They just want to get you medically stable. I feel as if I've been just thrown back into my old life: same stresses, same routine, same everything as before. Of course people are going to relapse without being taught coping skills and without proper discharge planning for when you get home. I'm a bit disappointed but overall still glad for the experience. At least next time I won't be as terrified about going in since I will know what to expect.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Jeans
I feel so fat and disgusting. Absolutely unforgivably GROSS.
I have been wearing leggings and yoga pants until today. My parents, sister and son came to meet me for my dinner pass so I decided to dress up a bit and wear jeans. OMG. I must have gained between the Wednesday weigh in and today because my jeans that used to hang on me are a little tighter. They're still looser than 'normal' jeans should be, but I can feel a difference. I'm F-A-T! I'm freaking out. I cannot eat dinner in this mindset. We're leaving in 30 minutes. I need to do something... 5 more sleeps until I get out of here. I can make it through 5 more sleeps, but this weight CANNOT stay on me. I'm already freaking out so much. How much more weight could I gain in the next 5 days... it's all reversible right???
Fuck... fuck... fuck...
I have been wearing leggings and yoga pants until today. My parents, sister and son came to meet me for my dinner pass so I decided to dress up a bit and wear jeans. OMG. I must have gained between the Wednesday weigh in and today because my jeans that used to hang on me are a little tighter. They're still looser than 'normal' jeans should be, but I can feel a difference. I'm F-A-T! I'm freaking out. I cannot eat dinner in this mindset. We're leaving in 30 minutes. I need to do something... 5 more sleeps until I get out of here. I can make it through 5 more sleeps, but this weight CANNOT stay on me. I'm already freaking out so much. How much more weight could I gain in the next 5 days... it's all reversible right???
Fuck... fuck... fuck...
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