I find that the days leading up to IP are always the most chaotic ones. I get into this "fuck it" mentality and then it's no holds barred, barrelling straight down the path to self-destruction. I have been doing nothing but binging and purging the entire weekend. Interspersed with handfuls of laxatives and diuretics.
I know I'm doing some dangerous shit... but in a way I'm toeing the line, seeing just how far I can push it because no matter what, I know that in 2 days I will be in the hospital which is a 100% controlled environment. Game over. They'll make me stop all the behaviors and they'll make me eat. Why should I even TRY right now. In 2 days it won't be a choice anymore. It is really like watching someone who is not me in a horror movie. I see them running around like a hamster on a crazy wheel, doing all this stuff and not giving a shit about living or dying.
part of me also thinks, why do all this ED stuff when you will have to get fat in a couple days anyway? Why not just TRY to eat normally for the next couple days. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm still sooo scared that I won't be "sick enough" to be there. It's so fucked up that THIS is my main concern. They'll think I'm an imposter. I'm so filled with guilt that I will be taking one of the only 7 beds in the province. ME? I don't get it... (I know I sound like a broken record, but the same thing keeps playing over and over in my brain).
no one ever feels worthy of a bed. well, let me make that an 'i statement'. i also never feel worthy of a bed but my dr thinks i need to be in hospital right now. clearly at sph they think you need to be in ec (god, you've needed to get in for months in my opinion). and it's not uncommon to go 'nuts' with behaviors before admission. i think it's pretty common. like a last horrah. 3 weeks will not make you fat. 3 weeks is a drop in the bucket of a life with and ED. it is merely symptom interruption. i hope you can get as much out of it as possible. i just lost another friend to this disease and i don't want to lose you. don't be a stat tia, fight.
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Really? You lost another friend? I'm so sorry to hear that. It puts things into perspective. I've never actually known someone who died from this, even though I know the statistics aren't that great. I think I was just reading some old SPH stuff I had and their mortality rate is 10%. Recovery rate is only 40%. Chronic ppl are 15%. Preeeety depressing, eh?
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