Small Success

Just a quick update to say I'm still here...

I've started down a path that I never thought I would: Laxatives.
I've gotten to the point that I'm so desperate to stop b/p but yet I cannot seem to deal with the extra water my body is hanging onto. I feel it in my fingers, toes, ankles - I know it's water because it's impossible to gain 5lbs of real weight overnight - but even knowing that it's only water does not help. The number is the number and that number rules my life. A handful of laxatives... seems to help... but it's a slippery slope and just one more way to destroy myself I suppose. One more thing to get addicted to and one more bad habit to have to break. Maybe recovery is just jumping from bad behavior to bad behavior... maybe that's the best I can hope for...

One small success to report: Being home alone is always a huge temptation and trigger for me to b/p, just because i CAN. Driving home from work yesterday, my son was spending the night at his dad's and my parents wouldn't be home for a couple hours. Driving home from work last night I was so tempted to b/p... I actually stopped outside Little Caesar's and parked the car, then somehow managed to talk myself out of it. I literally sat outside for 10 minutes, going back and forth in my head, should I, shouldn't I? Then started the car and drove away. I wish I could say that I didn't b/p at all, but I did when I got home, I just managed to *delay* it and by not buying the pizza. :)