Prozac

I made a deal with my tx team.
I will take anti-depressants and they will not tube me (yet), so that will buy me a bit more time and see if that helps a bit.
I realize for the first time in my life that I really do not control this ED. I used to think that I was still in control the whole time and I was "choosing" not to get better, but I have been trying so hard lately not to succumb to the negative thoughts but they continue to overwhelm me. I realize how much this illness is paralyzing me but I feel powerless to do anything. I have tried a lot of different things but nothing gets better. I don't want to "fail" and have to rely on a tube to live, that's why I'm going to take the meds.

December is just around the corner - I have so many difficult memories around Christmas. It seems to be the hardest time of the year. Surrounded by joy and feeling none inside. It makes me feel even deader inside.

wtf

wtf am i doing with my life... i don't know how this will end b/c i'm doing exactly the same thing as pre-ip... i tried to stop, i can't. i truly feel powerless. i truly feel like maybe i could die from this b/c i don't see a different way.
i'm going to give in and take some anti-depressants - i'll ask the doc next time i see her. i've heard certain anti-deps can help you quit b/p ing. i'll try ANYTHING at this point.

Halloween 2009

It was my son's first halloween trick or treating. Last year he was too young, but this year at 2.5 yrs old, he had a blast!!! OMG it brought back such memories for me... the excitement of waiting for it to get dark out so you can go door to door, the bustle of kids outside, all hyped up on sugar and adrenaline. I love seeing all the decorations, watching fireworks on the street then finally retiring back home to count and sort the candy and have some hot chocolate. I was so happy that I was able to share this experience with my son and watch it through a child's eyes all over again.

I feel like I was a good mom tonight. Something I wish I could do better most of the time. It's too bad I hate my puffy face in the pictures of him and me. I'm still feeling huge and depressed and purging way too often, but at last night was so much fun. It made me feel 'normal' even if just for a few hours.



He dressed as a little mouse and charmed absolutely everybody by going around saying, "I'm dressed as a mouse! Squeak squeak!" He caught onto the concept of trick or treating really quickly and kept on saying, "next house" to go and get more candy. Surprisingly, his favorite candy are Rockets! Those are my least fave.

Above are the 3 pumpkins we carved. I'm not a very good pumpkin carver... hence why the spider has only 6 legs! I also didn't do a very good job of decorating, but this devil's food cake from the Food Network was sooo deep and fudgy and delicious. I hope everyone had as great a night as we did.