I am under a ton of stress right now… so I have not been updating much.
There's a HUGE due date coming up - the final report for my Accounting designation.
If I pass this (last year's pass rate was 70%), I will be done done done with school. I will be a full fledged accountant!
I've been doing a bit better with eating…
I've gained a bit of weight - which is driving me crazy because I feel like hiding under a rock because I Feel so ugly all the time now - but I'm trying to rationalize it in my mind by telling myself not to throw away the last 3 years of hard work because of the ED. Just hang on and eat a little better at least until June 12 (the exam). I'm trying to cement that as my priority in my head right now.
… but it's tough when it seems like everyone can see how fat I am. I have a doctor's appointment today at the hospital and maybe with this weight gain I won't have to go into IP…
The problem is that when I gain weight I feel unworthy of treatment so I stop going to appointments. Then when I stop going I slip back into old habits and get myself into trouble. Back and forth, back and forth, spinning my wheels. I think the "cure" would be to be able to still feel worthy of treatment even when I am gaining weight.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
People Commenting on your Food
Sorry for the rant, but I had to get this out. I was THISCLOSE to snapping at my overly-friendly-super-nosy-coworker when she came into my office to peek at what I was eating and commented, "Oh, that's nice, you're having a VARIETY of vegetables instead of just lettuce like you usually do." It took so much self control for me to not snap at her and comment back, "Well, while we're on this topic, great job! I noticed that you only had 1 chocolate bar with your coffee today instead of 2! Tee hee".
That is such a huge pet peeve: People commenting on your food.
Whether it's what you are eating or what you are buying at the grocery store or the WAY you are eating it. Just because somebody is skinny does not make it any more okay to comment. You would NEVER say something about the greasiness or fat content of an obese person's meal. People just don't see it the other way around.
Especially when you're trying to keep ANY food down, period, let alone with knowing that other people are keeping an eye on what you're eating. Makes for a pretty awkward situation for me anyways.
Mind your own business you nosy little b-iotches!
That is such a huge pet peeve: People commenting on your food.
Whether it's what you are eating or what you are buying at the grocery store or the WAY you are eating it. Just because somebody is skinny does not make it any more okay to comment. You would NEVER say something about the greasiness or fat content of an obese person's meal. People just don't see it the other way around.
Especially when you're trying to keep ANY food down, period, let alone with knowing that other people are keeping an eye on what you're eating. Makes for a pretty awkward situation for me anyways.
Mind your own business you nosy little b-iotches!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Unsure what I really want
It's 4:00 PM. I'm feeling a little sick from not eating. I haven't had a single calorie today, only black coffee so far. I woke up feeling really swollen with water. The skin around my fingers was tight. I had a lot of salt yesterday so I kinda expected this suffering and brought it upon myself. I just like salt way too much for my own good. I pour it on more than liberally.
I'm so mad at myself for being so out of control and weighing so much. For taking up so much space. People don't understand how the love/hate relationship I have with b/p. I can hate it 100% but there are parts that are actually enjoyable, like those few moments where you let yourself taste a forbidden food, just before the reality sinks in that you must throw it up and rinse for an hour until you feel 'clean' and the water runs clear. It's like a drug. I wake up in the morning so full of willpower and zest to break the cycle but as the day goes on my willpower falters and wanes.
Nighttime is the witching hour. It's like some loss of control comes over me or my mind is abducted. It sounds extreme but it's truly how I feel. Then I go to bed, exhausted, and wake up the next morning and the cycle goes on and on, again and again. The words to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" keep coming to mind.
If you want something bad enough, where there's a will there's a way right? Does this mean that I don't *really truly completely* want to stop b/p? I think I do but the fact that it seems near impossible to go one single day without 'engaging in behaviors'... makes me second guess myself.
In some ways recovery from an ED is so much harder than recovery from drugs/alcohol. You can't abstain 100% from food whereas you can "just say no" to drugs or alcohol. Every day, every occasion, every event, you're faced with food. You need to eat SOMETHING to survive. The problem is when that SOMETHING triggers a binge or the feeling of fullness causes so much anxiety. I'm feeling hopeless today.
I'm so mad at myself for being so out of control and weighing so much. For taking up so much space. People don't understand how the love/hate relationship I have with b/p. I can hate it 100% but there are parts that are actually enjoyable, like those few moments where you let yourself taste a forbidden food, just before the reality sinks in that you must throw it up and rinse for an hour until you feel 'clean' and the water runs clear. It's like a drug. I wake up in the morning so full of willpower and zest to break the cycle but as the day goes on my willpower falters and wanes.
Nighttime is the witching hour. It's like some loss of control comes over me or my mind is abducted. It sounds extreme but it's truly how I feel. Then I go to bed, exhausted, and wake up the next morning and the cycle goes on and on, again and again. The words to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" keep coming to mind.
If you want something bad enough, where there's a will there's a way right? Does this mean that I don't *really truly completely* want to stop b/p? I think I do but the fact that it seems near impossible to go one single day without 'engaging in behaviors'... makes me second guess myself.
In some ways recovery from an ED is so much harder than recovery from drugs/alcohol. You can't abstain 100% from food whereas you can "just say no" to drugs or alcohol. Every day, every occasion, every event, you're faced with food. You need to eat SOMETHING to survive. The problem is when that SOMETHING triggers a binge or the feeling of fullness causes so much anxiety. I'm feeling hopeless today.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Call for IP round 2
OMG... the hospital called today and said they have an IP date for me. In 2 weeks. 2 measly effing weeks. Eek... I can't go! How can it be so soon? It's been less than 9 months since I've been out of IP. I'm surviving... sorta...
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
Why I am having a hard time going:
1) I'm heavier this time around than last time I went in = feel unworthy / not sick enough / afraid the other gals will judge me in there
2) This time around there will be free will involved (ie. I won't be certified/sectioned) which is scary too because I would have to actually make a CHOICE here, ya know?
3) Bad timing. May 31 is my big huge very important due date for my final accounting project. Then June 12 is my sorta thesis defense type thing - the last step needed to get my full fledged accounting designation. I've worked towards this for 3 years. I cannot let it all go to waste in a matter of weeks.
I want to push it back 2 months ideally. Scared, anxious, angry at myself for not being sick enough.
3)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Shutdown in Group
My next IP date is coming up… in about 4-6 weeks…
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.
In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.
She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.
I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.
In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.
She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.
I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Response to reader comments
This post is mostly in reponse to this post: Thank you for your honesty. I truly want people to be honest in their comments and I want people to be supportive. sometimes support means being brutally honest, but as usual, it's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. I know that I am a less than stellar mother (I wholly admit that I'm a terrible mom!) and a not so great person overall. Maybe an ED is a really selfish disorder and maybe that makes ME really selfish too.
Sometimes I secretly wish I didn't have a son. I'm willing to give him to anyone who wants to watch him for a few hours of freedom. I look forward to work because I get some AWAY time from him. I do feel terrible for feeling this way, but I'm going to be honest. There's no use lying or pretending. I feel how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I'm blessed to have such a loving and wonderful boy, but I'm under no delusions that any of this is healthy for him. The incredible push and pull between me and my mother, the intense fighting we engage in does not create a healthy environment. My son asked me the other day, "why does grandma hate you?" It's toxic.
I am not brave enough to kill myself and I'm not sure enough that I truly want to die. Some days I feel like that's the answer to everything but other days I can see a glimmer of light. It's days like those that flicker through my mind, behind my eyelids when I contemplate truly ending it all. I am so fucking indecisive that I can't even decide to die. I guess there are SOME positives to being indecisive. If I were a more impulsive person I would be dead by now. Instead, I live in a semi-alive/semi-dead state of constantly toeing the line between being dead and alive.
I'm afraid of walking this line for the next 40 years, if I live that long. I have no social life, I have no energy, but I'm not "sick enough" to be institutionalized. I'm close, but not quite. This has gotta be the worst place I've ever been. At least if I were "sick enough" I could resign myself to living in a hospital for a good long time, thus abdicating me of all responsibility. I might finally feel free. I'm a fucking mess in the head but I'm "high functioning" which often works against me.
Sometimes I secretly wish I didn't have a son. I'm willing to give him to anyone who wants to watch him for a few hours of freedom. I look forward to work because I get some AWAY time from him. I do feel terrible for feeling this way, but I'm going to be honest. There's no use lying or pretending. I feel how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I'm blessed to have such a loving and wonderful boy, but I'm under no delusions that any of this is healthy for him. The incredible push and pull between me and my mother, the intense fighting we engage in does not create a healthy environment. My son asked me the other day, "why does grandma hate you?" It's toxic.
I am not brave enough to kill myself and I'm not sure enough that I truly want to die. Some days I feel like that's the answer to everything but other days I can see a glimmer of light. It's days like those that flicker through my mind, behind my eyelids when I contemplate truly ending it all. I am so fucking indecisive that I can't even decide to die. I guess there are SOME positives to being indecisive. If I were a more impulsive person I would be dead by now. Instead, I live in a semi-alive/semi-dead state of constantly toeing the line between being dead and alive.
I'm afraid of walking this line for the next 40 years, if I live that long. I have no social life, I have no energy, but I'm not "sick enough" to be institutionalized. I'm close, but not quite. This has gotta be the worst place I've ever been. At least if I were "sick enough" I could resign myself to living in a hospital for a good long time, thus abdicating me of all responsibility. I might finally feel free. I'm a fucking mess in the head but I'm "high functioning" which often works against me.
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