I Should...

I should be relieved that my life is settling down.
I should be happy to be off the legal roller coaster that was our battle to relocate to the US.
I should be proud that I have a great job and what looks like the "perfect life" from the outside.
I should be counting my blessings that my husband's biggest fault is that he wants to spend every moment with me to the point of suffocation.
I should be grateful that I am alive today despite all the starving and purging and abuse I put my body through.

I could go on. There are so many "shoulds" in life, yet I don't identify with any of them. I have been so accustomed to drama drama drama that when things start to run smoother, it scares me. I wonder what to do with myself. I fear being "normal". Normal to me is the equivalent of not being special and not standing out. I've always been afraid of blending in and being forgotten. For the majority of my life, I stood out by being the thinnest. The anorexic. The cutter.

Without those things who am I? Why does it scare me so much to be just like everyone else - a mom, a wife, an employee, a normal person. When things start going okay, I find a way to bring them crashing down around me again. I am just becoming conscious of that fact now, but looking back on my life I can see that this same thing has happened to me before. This wouldn't be my first time caught in the cycle.

Whether it be cutting, starving or maybe no I'm exploring something new - this thing with the other guy, A. We went for coffee, we still text. We are still toeing the same line as a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to rip my world apart. I really don't... but there is a void that still needs to be filled in my life. Despite all the therapy I've had and the fact that I've gained the ED weight back (much to my dismay) the underlying problems are still there. Strong as ever.

Old Photos

I made the mistake today of looking at old pictures. Specifically pictures of my last 3 IP hospital stays.

I have been out of IP for 2 years now. Doing OK but lately feeling a strong pull to go back down the ED road. The photos pulled at my heart and my mind. Looking at the girl in the pictures, I am jealous of what she had. Sure, I have happiness now and I fought hard to be free of the ED, but there is still a deep longing in me to go back to those days. To recover the ED Identity that had been the defining factor in me for more than half my life. I'm more familiar with the SICK me than the healthy me.

I don't know how to get those images out of my mind and the compulsion to prove to myself that I can do it (get sick) again.

A Pang of Sadness

I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.

Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.

This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.

Coffee

I went for coffee tonight with the guy I've been chatting with (A). We met at 6:30. DH works every Wednesday until 7pm and I didn't tell him beforehand that I was going out. I planned on telling him before but I chickened out. Instead, I texted him 15 minutes before he got off work to tell him that I ran into A and decided to go for coffee. DH asked if he was invited. I said that I wouldn't be long and that I was planning to leave soon. He seemed OK with that and didn't ask too many questions when I got back (2 hours later).

Conversation was great. The more we talk the more we have in common. This guy is the first person I've connected with since moving to Washington. Lately I have been missing my friends and my old community, especially after visiting them on the weekend. This new friendship helps. There's an unexplained connection between us. I feel like I could talk to him forever. He told me that he thinks my name would go very well his last name. I laughed it off and said that my last name is very fitting for me - If you know my last name, you will know that it is my favorite hobby :)

He texted me as soon as I left and is still texting me now. By text, he is so flirtatious but when we talk in person he is a different person. Tonight he wrote, "I couldn't stop staring tonight. Had to remind myself to look up so I wouldn't stare the WHOLE time." In person he says nothing like that and it seems much more platonic. It makes me think that maybe this is just his nature - to be flirty but not mean anything by it...

I'm so confused. But I do know that I don't want to lose this friendship but it is tricky finding the line between friendship and too friendly.

Just Friends

This quote is perfect for me in so many ways. This push and pull of holding on versus letting go is what I struggle with in so many areas of my life. The excitement of new chapters in my life is offset by the pang of sadness at closing old ones. I will be thirty this year.

On Saturday I kept myself busy visiting my hometown. I tried curling for the first time with my parents and husband. Curling is a lot tougher than it looks! My glutes, triceps, abs and lats are all sore. It was so much fun to do something out of the ordinary. I also took the opportunity to get to meet up with a dear friend and former co-worker. Visiting my hometown made extremely nostalgic. I had forgotten how many ties I had there until this weekend, then the contrast was stark. I fought hard to be able to move to the US with my son, so I am not looking back, but it really hit me how much I gave up along with this move. I just have to keep trusting God that he allowed this move to happen and everything is in His will.

I wish I could say I was strong enough to stop the texting completely and not look back, but that hasn't been the case. Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday we stuck to our agreement that we wouldn't contact each other. Then he texted me yesterday afternoon and I replied. We are still going for coffee this week as planned. I enjoy his personality and friendship and I want to see if we can be just friends. Maybe the couple days of time apart might have put things back into perspective for both of us. I do not want to do something that will hurt my marriage. I am having a hard time steering clear of this guy because I like him. He makes me laugh and I need more friends in this city. As long as we both know the line we will be OK, I believe.

He already told his wife on Friday that he is going for coffee with me. He told her that we met at work and that we are meeting again to discus possible job opportunities. He told me that he plans on introducing me to her sometime and maybe having our whole families hang out sometime. It sounds nice. However, I honestly think it will be a little weird meeting her and hanging out with her knowing some of the things her husband has said to me in the past and some of the intimate things I know about their relationship.

I haven't told my husband yet about us going for coffee. I don't think it will be an issue, but I'm waiting until closer to that to tell him just in case it is. I've already decided that when I tell him, I will tell him the truth. He has met this guy before in the store. Gosh, I'm rambling now. Time for bed.

Pulling Back

I had a talk with the guy I've been texting. We both decided to pull back and not text for the rest of the day. It has been tough not to text him. For the last week, it's been a lot of fun, but I know this is the right thing to do.

The Texting Continues

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I am so blessed to have made such wonderful, supportive and honest friends through my blogging journey. I feel like I can share so much with you - more than I can with real life friends - and can get more honest feedback.

I know it is possible for men and women to have platonic relationships, but it is not easy to navigate. It's especially hard when there is an undeniable element of attraction. I personally know I wouldn't cross that physical line, but the emotional one is less defined. I know that he texts me first thing in the morning and late into the night. We both haven't told our spouses that we are texting each other. I am best friends with one of my exes (not Z's dad) who I dated for 3 years (when I was 19). My husband *hates* that we are friends and refuses to be in the same room as him. At Z's birthday party on the weekend, he actually left and sulked in another room because I invited my ex. This ex was a father figure to Z since birth, as Z's dad wasn't around much.

I know that my husband is easily jealous, however, up until this point I haven't given him a reason to be. I'm afraid of the fall-out if he knew that I was texting this guy, even just as a friend. I had to go to the store he works at yesterday to get something for work. I tried to go late in the evening, thinking he might be gone for the day. I have been so confused about what's going on, I really didn't want to face him and add to that. Well, he was there and he saw me. We started talking and I ended up spending half an hour there.

As soon as I left he wrote, "You looked absolutely gorgeous! That dress looked soooo good on you. You are smoking hot! I couldn't stop staring. Thad dress hugged your body and damn... wow!".

Is it possible to innocently flirt with a guy and stay friends without crossing that next line? Maybe it is... I'm undecided. He has talked about our kids playing together (his daughter is 3) and me meeting his wife and our families hanging out. His texts are definitely not G-Rated, but yet we've talked about our families all hanging out together. It's like two conflicting realities.

The texting is fun and addictive and a great distraction during my day. My husband has been sick with the flu for the past couple of days, so he's been pretty out of it and really cranky.

Playing with Fire?

I am a happily married woman. My husband is so loving and caring and there's absolutely nothing I can fault him for. That is why this confuses me so much. Please don't be too harsh on me... nothing has happened, but I feel like I'm playing with fire.

Beginning in October - I started shopping at a certain store regularly for business and personal stuff.

December - I bought a tablet for my son for Christmas and as helped by the store manager (A). I chatted with this manager briefly while making this purchase (my husband was in the store with me).

January - I went back into the store. The same guy, "A", was working. He caught me off guard by approaching me and asking about my previous purchase. I was surprised he remembered me. We talked a little bit more.

February - I went into the store again a couple weeks ago to get a new laptop. He gave me an AMAZING deal (I felt like I was stealing, it was such a good price) then added me to LinkedIn a couple days later and asked how the laptop was working out. We had been messaging each other every day after that. He is married too. We talked about our kids, our spouses, small-talk kinda stuff. My son lost his tablet (stolen from the car) and I was going to get him another one for his birthday, so I messaged him asking what he had in stock and what pricing he could give me. He offered me another amazing deal, so I planned to go in and pick it up.

The turning point was when I went in (4 days ago) to pick it up. We ended up talking for over an hour and found out how much we have in common. When I got home I found a LinkedIn message from him. He told me how much he enjoyed our conversation and asked if we could do it again. He gave me his phone number to text him. I texted him. I don't know why. I guess I thought it was still innocent. Since then, we have been texting every day. Not just one or two texts. A LOT of texts. The more we talk the more of a connection I feel with him. I know it's reciprocal.

Here are some of the things he's written:

"I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason... meeting you was for a reason."
"You can get a hold of me night and day ;) I told you, once I get your number, watch out! :)"
"It's so rare where someone like you comes along... like once in a lifetime."
"I don't want to scare you, but you are an example of a truly beautiful woman"

So far all of our face to face conversations have been at the store. He asked me out to dinner in a couple of weeks. I said yes. <--This is still in the realm of OK, right? My intentions are not to cheat... it's just dinner, right?

WTF am I doing? We are both married and we both talk about our families. (He has a 3 year old daughter). Is there any way that this is OK? I am new to this city. He is a great guy who I really enjoy talking to. Why does this feel wrong when I haven't done anything wrong?