A Pang of Sadness

I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.

Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.

This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.

Beta Tests and Ultrasound Scheduled

I did my first blood test 18 DPO (4 weeks 3 days pregnant) and my beta HCG level was 137. My second one at 20 DPO (4 weeks 5 days pregnant) was 310. It is doubling, but the overall numbers are low compared to the charts that I am finding online where the range is from 18-7000!!! My Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) said they look at numbers but also at the trend, and my trend is good (doubling in less than 48 hrs.) I will have another blood test tomorrow to see where the levels are at. Trying not to obsess over it and worry too much, but I'm going crazy that the numbers are too low. They scheduled me for my first OB Ultrasound on September 24. They said they only schedule ultrasounds if the two beta numbers are trending appropriately. I should relax, right? Symptom wise, I feel fine - a little nauseous and tired - but otherwise great!

Positive Pregnancy Test

The Clomid must have worked along with the acupuncture! I did a test on Day 14 but it was negative, then my temp was still up yesterday (day 17) and I did another test. At first it was stark white, nothing, then after a few minutes a faint line appeared. The line got darker and darker and I woke my husband up to ask if he saw it too! He did! I did 2 more pregnancy tests (another Wondfo and a Dollartree test) and they were both positive too! We sat there shocked for a few minutes. I'm still in shock today. I'm trying not to get too excited because it's still early, but it is so hard not to look at baby names. I called my RE's office and they are having me do bloodwork tomorrow to check beta HCG levels. We are Pregnant!!!! Life is coming at us so fast right now. We have only been living together as a family for less than a week. Even a month ago we didn't know we would be able to live together down here. Life is so good right now. I have never been happier.

IUI #3

Today we did IUI #3. I think this might be our last one. The doctor said that after 3 unsuccessful IUI's it is best to move to IVF since the success rate drops dramatically. I'm still on the fence about how I feel about IVF. It is so invasive and so expensive. And even then, the success rates aren't amazing. She quoted me 60-70% success. Well, at $12k, that is a lot of risk to take. Maybe this time it will stick because I am actually relaxed for the first time in months! Knowing that I can move with my son has taken a huge weight off my shoulders.

Ovarian Reserve

My RE at the fertility clinic did an ultrasound today to check ovarian reserve. She was shocked to see that I had only 5 follicles where she would expect there to be 20 for my age. My FSH level was also higher than she would like (8.7) and those two things combined lead her to put my Ovarian Reserve age at closer to 40 (I'm only 29). She thinks IVF might be better since we may not have much time left to play with. Well, THAT would explain why it has been so hard to get pregnant! I'm trying not to be devastated or to kick myself for all the years I spent entrenched in an ED. I didn't have a period for over 3 years (from 2008-2011). At the time I didn't think I would want more children, but now the damage may be done.

Not Pregnant again

Dammit, 2 IUI's unsuccessful. $600 in the fertility hole. I think we will take a break for a couple of months. This is too stressful, especially with a custody hearing coming up. The annoying thing is that today is C's birthday, so this was not good news to have to share with him especially today of all days. He turned 30 today and wanted more than anything for us to be pregnant before his 30th birthday. Well, that is one wish that did not get answered.

IUI #2

I went for my second IUI today. Fingers crossed!!!

Not Pregnant

Not Pregnant. Basal Body Temperature dropped yesterday morning and was even lower this morning. Then my period appeared this afternoon. In other news, we are getting ready for our court date. The hearing that was supposed to happen in December 2012 will be on June 3, 4, 5th of this year. That's just over 2 weeks away! We are going to court to get permission for my son to move to the US to live with my husband and I. I first filed my application to the court on Feb 14, 2012 and we STILL have not had a hearing yet. I can't believe it has taken this long. All this time we have been driving up and down the I5 every weekend to see each other. I just want us to live together as a family like a normal married couple would.

Psychologist visit with C

Today C and I saw a psychologist who specializes in reproductive issues. We have been getting so frustrated with the process and that we have been trying for over 1 year without getting pregnant. I'm so glad we went! The psych was awesome and really really helped us put things in perspective. We left feeling refreshed and ready to keep going.

IUI #1

So, we've been TTC for over a year. This means that we are actually classified as having fertility issues. I never in a million years thought I would be in this boat. I got pregnant with my son when I was on the pill for goodness sake! Anyways, I went for my first IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) today. The clinic has suggested going this route first (before using drugs or even thinking about IVF) as it is the most non-invasive method but gets the sperm closer to the egg and therefore, increases your chances. It's not overly expensive either. $300 per cycle. Yeah, that seems expensive but compared to $12,000 for one round of IVF, it's just pennies! I'm surprised that the clinic isn't giving me Clomid or using a trigger shot before the IUI to better time it. They aren't even doing ultrasound monitoring (which is another $100 and I could choose to do but they said it doesn't really increase my odds). Most other women I've talked to are using one or more of these methods in addition to the IUI. The IUI was nothing. No pain or discomfort. After having one baby and having people poke around down there so much, you get immune to it and the embarrassment factor goes away, lol.

Fertility Clinic

I went for a first consultation at a Fertility Clinic. We have been TTC since April 2012 with no success. The clinic ordered bloodwork and an HSG test (eek!) They weren't too concerned since I'm young (28) and have had a child before. Well, we will see!

Thoughts on having another child

We have been trying to conceive since April 2012. To tell the truth, the main reason we started ttc was not exactly for the right reason. I contemplated having another kid but was not dead set on it (my son from a prev relationship will be 6 in Feb/13). We only really started trying and I went off birth control because our lawyer suggested that it would help our relocation case/ custody case if I got pregnant. But the longer we tried, the more sure my husband has become that he really really really wants kids. Me being obsessive by nature, I began charting my basal body temperature on fertilityfriend.com right away. 9 months later, we are STILL NOT PREGNANT! I am shocked because with my son, I got pregnant by accident, while taking birth control. I was 21 when I got pregnant. I know a lot of eating disorder stuff has happened in the last 5 years, but could that really be enough to make conceiving this difficult? I didn’t have my period for 3+ years and just got it back within the last year. I’ve been told by so many people that the moment we stop trying, that is when it will happen, but I don’t know how to “stop trying” or to forget about trying.

Going off the Pill

My husband and I have decided to start trying to conceive!!! I stopped taking my BCP. Let the journey begin!