A Downward Spiral?

For once in my life I am torn about losing weight. It used to be a no brainer - lose weight any chance you get - but now I am worried that losing 5 lbs could lead to losing 25 and not being able to stop until I'm right back in the revolving door of hospitalizations. It has been 4 years since I was last hospitalized. People say I am so brave, so strong, such an inspiration for being able to recover. I feel like I have been faking it this whole time. A series of rather exciting events took my focus away from being sick, but now that things have settled down, I'm afraid that the default, the only "way" I know to be is eating disordered.

Recovery timeline:
-A month after I got out of the hospital, I met my future husband. Total coincidence, met at a bank while he was working and I was opening an account. We just clicked. Simple as that. The rest is a whirlwind! I knew I couldn't be actively ED'd if I wanted to have a relationship, so I pushed thoughts of food and weight out of my mind and focused on the relationship.

-6 months later we vacationed in NYC, at which point we knew we never wanted to be apart. Then just 3 months after that we got married (12.1.11) so that we could start the immigration process for him to sponsor me to move to the US from Can. We applied to USCIS immediately for a greencard.

-This whole time, I was already in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. Wanting to move to the US and take my son with me added another layer to the court case. I filed an application to the court to relocate on 2.14.12. I knew my ex and his conniving girlfriend would try to paint me as an unfit mother and use my ED struggles against me, so I had no choice but to "recover" if I wanted any hope of winning the case.

-Due to the Canadian Provincial Court being slow and other setbacks, our case only went before a judge in July 2013. The entire time I maintained a healthy weight. I had to, or else everything would be for nothing. I felt trapped in a body I hated but I guess I stuck with, putting the court case about my body image. It was a really long case. 5 full days in front of a judge, plus written submissions afterwards because we ran out of time. Then waiting, waiting, waiting for a decision.

-Aug 2013 - $30k later and months of waiting, we won the court case and moved to the US! I got a great job, my son who was Grade 1 at the time, settled well into school and extra curriculars. I started making friends in my new community and I was scared to screw it up. PLUS, I didn't have healthcare until 2015, so getting sick would have been a major expense and not a good way to start out after fighting so hard to move in the first place.

Fastforward to the present. Life is generally good. I love our house and our three cats. I've been promoted in my job, in line to become the vice-president of the company (long term plan, not sure how long this will take to come to fruition, but the thought is nice). I am volunteering in my son's extracurriculars, have been the registrar for our soccer association for two years. Life is okay, but I have never been "normal" for this length of time before. Ever since my first hospital stay at 10 years old, a life of doctors, nutritionists, blood work, therapy, is all I have known. Being "normal" and therefore invisible, is starting to eat away at me. This might be clichéed but it's the truth - the ED was (is?) my identity and I feel a degree of loss without it. A hole that needs to be filled. I have always been "too thin". Not always dangerously thin, but THIN was my identity. Every day I feel a stronger pull to get back a little of that identity. Despite all I have gained these last few years, I don't feel brave or courageous for recovering. I feel like it was a mask that is slowly peeling off.

Thoughts on having another child

We have been trying to conceive since April 2012. To tell the truth, the main reason we started ttc was not exactly for the right reason. I contemplated having another kid but was not dead set on it (my son from a prev relationship will be 6 in Feb/13). We only really started trying and I went off birth control because our lawyer suggested that it would help our relocation case/ custody case if I got pregnant. But the longer we tried, the more sure my husband has become that he really really really wants kids. Me being obsessive by nature, I began charting my basal body temperature on fertilityfriend.com right away. 9 months later, we are STILL NOT PREGNANT! I am shocked because with my son, I got pregnant by accident, while taking birth control. I was 21 when I got pregnant. I know a lot of eating disorder stuff has happened in the last 5 years, but could that really be enough to make conceiving this difficult? I didn’t have my period for 3+ years and just got it back within the last year. I’ve been told by so many people that the moment we stop trying, that is when it will happen, but I don’t know how to “stop trying” or to forget about trying.

Wedding and Reception

WE ARE MARRIED!!! Well, for the second time, but this time in front of all our family and friends. We chose this date exactly 1 year from the day we signed the papers at the court house (to get immigration application rolling). It was a perfect day! For a December wedding, the weather was wonderful. Really crisp and cool but the sun shone all day. We had family from BC, Whidbey Island, Port Angeles, and all over Washington. 80 guests - mostly all family. Kids were invited of course, and my son was our ring bearer. Most people don't know that we actually were married 1 year ago. I think that is a secret we will end up taking to the grave with us. It would hurt them more if they knew we eloped, so we don't need to tell them. When enough years have passed, nobody will remember the year anyway except for us.

The Official Proposal

C officially proposed just after midnight of New Year’s eve. Yes, I know we are already married, but we still wanted to do things the "traditional" way too. We met in 2011 and he wanted to get engaged in the same year that we met. He got down on one knee right after the clock struck 12 and popped the question. He didn’t have a ring yet – wanted me to help pick one out – so we looked at rings on the 1st and 2nd. I know that he ordered the ring on Friday, the 6th. I have an idea what style it might be (solitaire), based on the ones I pointed out that I liked, but in the end it is going to be a surprise as to which one he picked from the bunch. I hope it gets here soon!!! It really doesn’t matter to me what ring it is, but rather what it symbolizes. I haven’t told friends yet because they will inevitably ask, “where is the ring?”, so I am going to hold off until the ring arrives before I let the news hit Facebook, lol. When he talked to my parents to ask for their blessing and telling them his intentions to get married to me, it was a little weird because we’re already married – but he still wanted to do things the “right way”. My parents love him and can see how genuine he is and how much he loves my son too. They welcomed him into the family and it made me feel wonderful that everyone gets along so well. Given the tumultuous history of conflicts with my mother, this interaction was a very pleasant surprise! His parents were overjoyed when we told them the news. His dad immediately said, “hello future daughter-in-law” and his mom started crying and said it was the best news ever and that she loves me and that I am amazing. (awww) The next day she emailed and said again how excited she is and that she gets to be a grandma to my son. The part that touches me the most is that him and his family are so willing to embrace my son as part of the family with open arms. I feel so loved and welcomed by them. Let the wedding planning begin!

The Wedding Recap

It has been exactly 3 weeks since we got married. Everything is going amazingly well! It has been so busy since the wedding that I have not had a chance to update at all. Now with Christmas just 3 days away, time is simply flying! Here is a little summary of the wedding and mini honeymoon afterwards: I was extremely nervous crossing the border. I was afraid that they would somehow know that I had a WA marriage license and was crossing the border to get married to an American citizen. Luckily they just waved me through. I had a couple of hours to get dressed, curl my hair, do my make-up and head to the court house. Our ceremony was at 4:30 on December 1. Besides the marriage commissioner, there were only 4 of us: BB, BB’s best friend, my friend and myself. The past few weeks leading up to this, I knew in my head that it was real and that we were getting married, but in my heart I didn’t 100% BELIEVE it. I was afraid it was a dream that I would suddenly awake from and the happiness would be snatched away from me. However, standing there holding his hands and looking into his eyes as he said his vows – I felt so loved and cherished. I was “in the moment” and filled with love. I am so glad that we did this our own way. Even though we are doing things the unconventional way, it feels right for us. In some ways it is much more romantic this way because our wedding was really and truly for ourselves and no one else. It is a decision we made as the best thing for our future and because we really wanted to get married! Not as a show for friends and family (although we are going to do a “real” wedding next year). This year’s ceremony was all about us and the declaration and commitment to each other. I never thought I would elope, but I guess that’s what we’ve done! The words “elope” has connotations of irresponsibility, spontaneity and superficiality but this could not be farther from the truth in our case. We wore our rings the entire weekend. He surprised me with a beautiful, luxurious stay in a suite at the Hyatt Bellevue with champagne and a lovely dinner. Even though this isn’t our big wedding, it is still incredibly special and we wanted to have a mini-honeymoon all weekend. I feel incredibly blessed to have found the love of my life. I keep; wondering if this is really real. It will take a while to get used to hearing myself referred to as his “wife”. I didn’t know it would be so hard taking off my wedding ring and putting it away in its box. I wish I could wear it and I love seeing his band on his finger. But we can’t give away our secret!

Our Wedding Day

Today is the 1st day of December. The first day of a new month and for C and I, the first day of a new life together. It’s our wedding day! At 4:30 today we will be at the court house getting married! BB will have his best friend as a witness and I will have a close work friend as mine. I’ve had such a mixed bag of emotions over the past week. Right now I am so excited – counting down the hours. Only 6.25 hours of singledom left! I have no doubts about marrying C, but I do wonder if we will regret the decision to elope and to do things in such a topsy turvy order. We are getting married before he has proposed, although he is adamant that he still wants to ask for my parents’ blessing and propose and do things the “right” way. I wonder what it will feel like when he proposes after we are already legally married. I hope it doesn’t take away the specialness of it. Right now I’m at work, leaving in 2 hours to drive across the border and meet him. He just emailed me, “Good morning beautiful! I love you! Only a few more hours left. Mwah!” I couldn’t be happier marrying into his amazing family. At thanksgiving at his grandparents’, his whole famly was there and a funny thing happened. We hadn’t seen them for 3 months so everyone wanted to know what’s new. His aunt joked, “I thought you were gonna say you guys got married or something!” If only they knew how close that is to the truth! It is a strange, indescribable feeling being around his family while holding this huge secret that I’m almost family but they don’t know it yet. On another note, last night my little boy hugged me and asked me to sleep with him. His warm little body curled up against mine, the peaceful sound of a little child breathing, safe in his mother’s arms and in the knowledge that he is loved. I am his world. I know these moments will not last forever. I know he will grow up. I hope I am able to enjoy these times to the fullest so that I never regret not taking advantage of these precious, young years once the time has passed. It’s so hard to juggle between being a mother, being in a relationship and taking care of myself.

Marriage License Received

C phoned me at 2:30pm to say that he just filed our marriage license application at the court house. In his hands he now holds our marriage license saying that we are eligible to get married during the period of November 25/11 to January 24/12. It’s starting to come together. All the pieces are falling into place and it is starting to feel real! We have material, tangible proof that we are doing this. Our rings are sitting pretty beside each other on his table. We have booked our marriage commissioner and we’ve both figured out what to wear. A few loose ends remain: 1) Witnesses. Undecided about whether we should use strangers / court house employees or break our secrecy and confide in two close friends who would then witness for us. I’m fine with strangers except I wonder if it would make immigration more difficult or make them more suspicious of the marriage if we used strangers. 2) Flowers or no flowers at the civil ceremony? It would make for prettier pictures but I’m really not a flower kind of girl. 3) Child custody. Still waiting to hear back from my ex about whether he will consent to me moving with my son. If he does not consent then I am prepared to go to court – I will do whatever it takes.

Eloping

My boyfriend and I are *getting married on December 1, 2011* – 16 days away! I guess “eloping” is the right word, but it sounds so irresponsible. It is going to be a total secret from everyone we know in real life – forever (or that is the hope anyway). We have only been together since March/11 but it has been simply perfect. He has helped me so much in my recovery. I love him with my whole heart and for once in my life I can imagine a future for myself that does not involve bouncing in and out of the hospital. I can imagine possibilities for hope and happiness in years to come. The way we met was purely coincidental. He lives in Washington and I live in Canada. One day in March (a couple weeks after being discharged from IP) I headed south for a day-trip and went to the bank to apply for a credit card. He helped me with my application and we talked for over an hour. I definitely was attracted to him but brushed it off and figured I would never see him again. However, in the days afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He called me 2 weeks later and came up to Canada to visit me that same weekend. He says that the day we met he kept feeling that he had to call – that he couldn’t let me get away and that I could be “the one”. Sometimes you just know right away. We have seen each other every weekend since then, gone on a trip to New York and now we are getting married. I now wholeheartedly believe that you really do find love when you are least looking for it. Despite being excited, we are trying to view this as simply paperwork in a larger process. I wonder if I will feel married… The reason for this crazy plan is so that we can get the visa process started sooner for me to move to the USA. We definitely want to have a “real” wedding but just don’t have time to plan one properly right now, so the plan is to have our real wedding exactly a year from now on December 1, 2012 in order to keep the same anniversary date. We don’t want any judgement from others and we don’t want people to feel that our wedding next year is “fake” or that we are just putting on a show since we would already be married. His parents would be supportive if we told them but they would insist on being there and celebrating it would blow things out of proportion and start taking on more significance than we want it to at this point. My parents would flat out freak out. They are Christian and traditional and no matter what I say they would never understand our reasons. They would forever judge our relationship negatively and probably refuse to attend the wedding a year later. We’re doing everything backwards: buying wedding rings before engagement ring, getting married before the wedding, he is going to ask for my parents’ blessing and propose to me after we are already married. On the weekend we went engagement ring shopping and BOUGHT our wedding rings. I love them: simple matching white gold bands. Even though we can’t wear the rings yet, we still want to exchange them at the civil ceremony, then keep them away for a year, only wearing them maybe on vacation or when we are sure we won’t run into anyone we know.

I told him about ED

I told him about the ED on Saturday when we hung out.
We only see each other once a week because he lives in WA and I'm in BC. He seemed to take it OK and said nothing would change his opinion of me, but I'm not sure if that's the truth or if it's just the polite way to react. Now I'm a little worried because he hasn't contacted me since Saturday. Maybe he's realizing that I have too much baggage than he bargained for and is retreating. I don't know... I'm trying not to overanalyze things or jump to conclusions. I'm trying to ease my mind by telling myself that if he is indeed running away because of the ED, it's better that I know NOW rather than LATER. So whatever happens is what is supposed to happen and I should try and just breathe right now and let things unfold the way they are meant to.

Dammit, I wish I could really believe that. Instead, I turn everything inwards and blame myself for anything and everything that goes wrong. And then the ED wins because we all know how ED'd people deal with stress...