Last day of June

I watched "The Hangover" last night with my ex-boyfriend, Mike. (We dated from 2003-2005 and now we are awesome friends). I have been isolating myself a lot and finding it really difficult to drag myself out of the house. I make plans and at the time I am genuinely excited about going out but somehow when the time comes to leave the house, it becomse a struggle. It seems so much easier to stay at home curled up with a book. Last night was no different. Mike and I have been trying to watch a movie for over a month now but I keep cancelling. This time I made myself go and I'm glad I did. The movie was pretty funny and it got my mind off eating/not eating for a while.

It scares me how I have become so introverted over the past year. I don't want to end up alone, a hermit in my room with a book, but I don't know how to fix it. For example, I had a day off yesterday and I drove down to the States by myself. There were a few people who would have liked to come with me but I declined their offers, preferring to go alone. That way I wouldn't have to worry about where THEY wanted to go and keeping THEM happy. Selfish, eh? Oh well, I had an amazing time...

Despite the purging I do, I have never had any calluses on my knuckles (Russell's Sign). When I was baking on the weekend I accidentally touched the top of the oven with my index finger knuckle and now I have a blister which totally looks suspicious and more like it should be from bulimia rather than baking! LOL - I found that kind of funny. Another thing that keeps me stuck in the purging cycle is the fact that when I don't purge, I suffer from really bad water retention. Especially in my lower legs and feet. Not to mention the sudden increase in weight (due to water) which I cannot deal with mentally. It's so uncomfortable that sometimes I purge water just for the sake of purging to get rid of water. Then I feel better. This sucks.

Last Group Session

I have been attending an ED group of about 12-15 girls, all around my age. It is run by our community ED/mental health unit. On Thursday it was our last group session unto October. They want to give us a chance over the summer to work on what we've discussed as a group and grow individually. The timing sucks because my therapist will be on vacation for all of July, leaving me feeling extremely lost. Right at the time when I need support the most - everyone leaves.

My therapist, Barbara, is going to talk to the group therapist to see if she can provide support for me until after her vacation. It sounds like the group therapist is willing to see me on an individual basis so I don't feel like I'm floundering quite so much. She is a real sweetheart and I *know* that I could easily connect with her. I can tell that she's worried about me and she has offered me Boost drinks a few times and asked me if I'm OK to drive home.

I also hope that I can stay in touch with some of the girls. Of the 15, I have only really made friends with one. I find that as much as anorexics want to support each other's recovery, it's still a competition deep down inside. Helping someone else recover means that they gain weight and you don't and therefore you win. I know a girl from when I was on the ED Unit at Children's Hospital. Ever since she heard that IP is looming in my near future, she's been contacting me a lot wanting to know exactly when I'm going, etc. etc. I feel like she's pushing me to go because she cares but that there are also other (less-sincere) motives. I have found that bulimia is a more social disorder than anorexia. "mia-buddies" who go on junk food sprees, raid the grocery store and drive-thrus and binge and purge together. That's never been me but I can definitely see how it might be fun.

I wanted to have a baby girl so much when I was pregnant but now that I've had my son, I am more and more glad that I have a boy instead. With my eating is the way it is right now, I feel like a girl would be much more succeptible than a boy would to the negative influence. It breaks my heart when my son tries to feed me something he's eating. "Mommy eat please..." I hate saying no, I hate how terrible a person this makes me. My 2 year old tries to feed me. WTF is wrong with me...

Old ED Movies

Last night I was up until 3am (not unusual for me as I have some terrible sleeping habits, staying up and doing unhealthy things in the middle of the night). I stumbled across some old eating disorder movies on YouTube and got sucked into watching them. You know the ones, the "made for TV movies" like those on Lifetime in the late 80's, early 90's. I watched

1. Perfect Body -An elite gymnast with anorexia. I remember watching this one when I was pretty young (Grade 4 or 5-ish) and it triggering the crap out of me. The main actress looks like a cross between Hilary Swank and Jennifer Garner.
2. A Secret Between Friends -two high school friends who both have ED's. One teaches the other one about Bulimia and she ends up dying from it.
3. Little Girls in Pretty Boxes -Inspired by the book by Joan Ryan on gymasts/skaters and ED's.

Watching these movies brought me back to my early eating disordered years. Even back then, I felt compelled to lose weight, inspired by the strength of the girls portrayed, intrigued by the act of pushing your body to its limits. Little did I know then that it would become so much a part of my life. Looking back, part of me wants to reach out to that "little me" and hug her. stop her from watching the movies, tell her that it's not worth it.

Introducing: Me

What can you say to sum yourself up in a few paragraphs? I guess this is the challenge I'm facing. Here goes:
I am a 24 year-old single mom and accounting student living in beautiful British Columbia, Canada. I am obsessed with baking, cookbooks and all things food-related. My baking blog is Buttercream Barbie. My favorite things to make are sweet doughs (sticky buns, bread braids, etc.) and anything with cream cheese. Right now the focus of my life is my eating disorder which I have been dealing with since age 10 (yes, it has been present for more than half my life!) Since February 2008 (my son's 1st birthday), things have gone downhill steadily and I currently see 3 doctors, 2 nutritionists, 1 therapist, my family doctor, get weekly bloodwork done and am supposed to go for IP treatment at the hospital. I also deal with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) although it is less present at the moment because of the all-consuming ED.

Some of you may know me already from my old Diaryland account, "emaciana", which is locked up but if you're interested, leave me a message and I'll give you the pw. It was difficult leaving Diaryland because so much of my history is there. D-land has seen me through so much from anorexia to pregnancy to mothering an infant. From 2003 to 2008 I found comfort in posting there and finding amazingly supportive online friends.

My son was born February 24, 2007 and he gets cuter every day. I know these moments pass quickly and I am missing out on a lot of joyful times by being sick. I know I could be a better mom if I were ED-free but I try not to think about that and I take each day as it comes, trying to find the energy to juggle all of life's commitments. This blog is going to be a place where I can vent, get things out of my mind into words where I can make sense of them and hopefully a place where I can get and give support.