Motivated

I've never been more glad to see a Monday morning. The weekend was exhausting. My son was sick and extreeeemely needy.

I woke up this morning with the rejuvinated motivation to stop purging. I've gotten rid of all my binge food and I am not going to buy more. I'm not tempted to stop by the grocery store on the way home, I'm so dead set on stopping this b/p bullshit. I don't know why I'm so hopeful this time but I really feel like this time will be different. Maybe I'm finally truly 100% sick of it. I have always hated myself for doing it but now I'm at the point where it's gotten so bad that even I myself recognize that something has to be done to stop this train wreck. My blood pressure dropped really low over the weekend from dehydration and exhaustion. For practical reasons, I can't keep on flushing money down the toilet - literally -

There are so many reasons why I should stop. The only problem is that the only way to stop purging is to stop eating (at least temporarily). Oh edema, please stay away, you're the LAST thing I need now for my body image or self-perception. If the edema stays away I might at least have a sliver of hope at succeeding.

Today's success: My mom/sis ordered pizza. (Huge trigger food for me). They weren't happy with the pizza so they complained about it and got their money back, but they also got to keep the pizza. They weren't going to eat it, they were going to throw it out. Normally I would have been ALL OVER THAT free food - free PIZZA of all things! But this time I personally gave the pizza away (to hungry co-workers) so I could remove myself from the triggering situation.

When my family is in NYC I will have to be 100% there for my son. No messing around. I can't afford to collapse while they are away because he's only 3. He depends completely on me. In some ways I feel like this is overwhelming. A whole little life is depending on me. I can barely do enough to look after MYSELF, how could I possibly be trusted with someone ELSE?

I'm still totally obsessed with weight loss or rather avoiding weight gain, but if I can do so by just restricting rather than restricting and purging, that's still good right? So says my Tx team. Has anyone else been told that purging (even at a normal weight) is more dangerous than restricting because it's more unpredictable?

NY, ED Group, Mg

A few things that are going on in my life right now:

1) My mom/dad/sister are going to New York at the end of April but I won't be going. Part of me really wants to go and experience what I've heard is an awesome city and a MUST SEE place. But the other part of me is extremely tired even contemplating what it would be like to deal with food/ed stuff while on vacation, trapped with my family in close quarters for 10 days. Last May we went to L.A. and it was pretty stressful. I ended up losing a bunch of weight while on vacation because I didn't have a scale and I was away from my usual routine so of course the ED kicked into high gear. My treatment team strongly recommends that I don't go because of the increased medical coverage I'll need while traveling for my "pre-existing condition" and the fact that there will be nobody monitoring me if I do go away.

I also don't think that it would be much fun (for me or for him) to bring my 3 year old. He has no interest in shopping or museums or plays and since I have to pay full price for another airplane seat for him, it's not worth it. I'd rather save up and take him to Disneyland or something when he's older and would really appreciate it. *I hope that doesn't sound selfish*

2) This week our ED group sessions started up again. There were only 5 girls in the group this time. I almost didn't go (I felt too fat!) but I'm soooo glad I did. I have a feeling it's gonna be a good group and I already feel 'connected' to them. 2 of the girls are going through the same stuck-ness in isolating themselves so that makes me feel a bit better and less alone. I was shocked to find that they'd pretty much all got their "behaviors" under control and the things they wanted to talk about were NOT food related. They had to do with relationships, life, etc. Wow, I wonder when I will get to that stage where the biggest thing on my mind is what I ate/willeat/willnoteat/wanttoeat, etc.

3) Edema has significantly decreased and my lower legs are almost back to normal!!! I need to go into the hospital (sometime soon, not sure when) for 5 days to get Magnesium infusions done to bring those levels back up to normal, then when my bloodwork comes back stable they'll prescribe me something to help keep the edema away and prevent more Mg loss and reduce muscle cramps. I cannot WAIT!!!

Isolation

One thing I've noticed among ED people especially is the tendency to cancel out of plans at the last minute. I am SO guilty of doing this. I make plans with friends the full intention of following them through but then when the day actually rolls around I have the hardest time making myself actually go and meet up with the person. I usually feel too fat/tired/unmotivated/anti-social to actually meet up. One of my resolutions this year has been to STOP ISOLATING myself. Sadly, I suck. I still cancel on people at the last minute and I know that doesn't win me any friends but I can't stop doing it. It's hard to leave the house when you feel so ugly and don't want anyone else to witness your ugliness. I've already lost to many friends because they don't want to "watch me die from this ED" in their words (exaggeration much?) The last thing I need is to do is lose the remaining friends I do have because I've turned into so much of a flake.

The funny thing is that the people I am motivated to go out with are my other ED treatment friends. However, when you get 2 ED'd people together trying to make plans and both people have the tendency to cancel plans at the last minute, it gets pretty much impossible. I want to have a normal life where I can enjoy the company of others without feeling paralyzed by the fear of: what food will be there, what will I eat, how will I not draw attention to what I'm NOT eating, how can I let anyone see me when I feel so fat and unworthy.

I don't want to end up alone - an old crazy lady muttering to herself shut in her dark room, forgotten by the world.

Mean People

I don't get it. Why do people take the time and effort to leave negative and mean comments like this one (left on my livejournal account) in response to my previous post:

"the 25 year olds i know are finishing their doctorate degrees, beginning to support their mothers and fathers financially, and are contemplating purchasing a second home."

It just makes me mad. I sometimes wonder. Are they trying to be helpful or just spiteful? Whatever happened to "constructive" criticism or "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Lynnwood Shopping Trip

This weekend has been so relaxing because my ex has my son overnight, from yesterday morning until tonight. I'm writing this from our hotel room in Lynnwood, WA. This is the first time in a long long time that I've been able to shop, try on clothing, browse in a bookstore, without getting up and running after him or trying to keep him occupied. I feel a little guilty saying how much I'm enjoying myself and the break I'm getting through this new arrangement where my son sleeps over every other weekend at my ex's place.

I talked to my T about what the doctor said about my IP stay and she was shocked too. So, in turn she called the doctor to clarify why she thought that. It had to do with the certification I think and how much resistance I put up. How they had to watch me 24/7 - even moving me to a room that was in the line of vision from the nurse's station - because I kept dumping out my Boost from the ng tube, watering it down, turning it off, etc. I didn't mean to be a brat like that or to make it more difficult for them, I just was so terrified of all the calories they were pumping into me. I don't think IP is EASY for anyone and I don't think it was tougher on me than on the average ED'd person. I'm still hurt that it seems like they think I was being a tough patient on purpose.

Anyways, I have another big day of shopping in the states. I'm so glad our dollar is almost on par with the american one!

"Disastrous" IP

I'm afraid to say too much because I might jinx it but I've been doing a lot better with some of the ED 'behaviors'.

I just had a doctor's appointment at the hospital. I was totally shocked to hear that the doc thought my last IP admission was "disastrous" (her exact word) and I accomplished nothing or close to nothing. Whoa, HARSH! Ok, I admit it was extremely difficult and being certified and having my decision making rights taken away from me was NOT fun but I came around in the end and I was somewhat following a meal plan by the time I was discharged. I thought I did pretty well. Obviously they do not. Hence the OP tube feeding. I wish they trusted me. Maybe I haven't given them a reason to, but to call my admission a "disaster"… it shouldn't bother me but it does. Fuck this. I don't need to be perfect all the time and even in treatment I strive to be a 'good patient'. Well, I failed miserably this time, eh?

She wants us to set specific goals for the next admission so it's more successful.

The most annoying thing about it is that when I tried to ask for clarification about why she thought IP went so badly, she kept saying condescendingly, you're just "not perceiving reality correctly and why don't you work on your cognitive distortions with K (my therapist)". She's writing me off before really listening to me. No matter what I say she won't hear it anyway.

The one semi-good thing about my appointment is that they strongly reccommend that I go on disability and go to a longer *6+ months* treatment program, maybe Mercy Ministries or if I can somehow afford it, Renfrew or Remuda or one of the fancy shmancy private American centres. They've got the disability forms and at least 3 doctors and 2 psychologists backing the reccommendation. However, I feel like others at work would judge me if I did go through with it and go on disability leave because technically I CAN and DO work full-time. Yes, I sometimes fall asleep at my desk and make more mistakes than I should but I still get the job done. DISability = Not able. I am able, just not 100% able. I really need to think this one over.

Emotionless

I want to cry. I want to feel. I want to be anything but numb.
I haven't cut for a while but I also haven't felt anything more than BLAH for the past couple of years. I would rather feel so deeply that I don't know what to do with all the emotion than be stuck in this state with a void of emotion. I don't even feel human anymore.

Unfortunately you can't force these things either. The more I "try" to feel, the less able I am to genuinely feel. This is just another reason why I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm nothing more than a robot. Emotionless.

Random Food News:
If you have time, here's a really interesting article (a quick read) on Junk Food Tax. I am 100% for taxing junk food. I bet a lot of people would still eat it, just like no matter how much they raise gas prices people still drive as much as they did before. However, it might make them think twice. Besides, I find it ridiculous how so often junk food is the cheapest thing on the shelves whereas fresh foods costs so much more. No wonder the cycle of low income families eating junk food perpetuates itself.

I miss IP

I never thought I would say this, but I miss the hospital.

I want to cry when I think of the support I had there anytime I wanted. I feel like I'm dangling, suspended in the air, waiting to fall. It seems strange for me to msis a place where there were so many rules I really disliked like: lights out at 10 PM, no caffeinated/diet drinks, having blood drawn 2x/day, having a magnesium IV 4 hours per day every single day, having an NG tube and having that NG tube flushed every 4 hours, being woken up during the night to flush the tube, etc.

But, underneath all that I miss the core of IP treatment. For once in my life I didn't have to do everything on my own. I could hand over some of that responsibility to others and just live life from one day to the next. The extent of my concerns was narrowed down to what my meal plan would be that week, how many snacks I would have to eat, etc. It was so much easier than "the real world". There were people who would take control and do "what is best" for me, whether I liked it or not.

In some ways I want to escape to that controlled and predictable world again. I'm feeling especially triggered this morning to go down that path again, to be "rescued" from life which is currently too overwhelming. There are too many things I don't want to deal with, so maybe this is my cowardly way of saying, "help me", once again using my body instead of my words to ask for what I need.