One thing I've noticed among ED people especially is the tendency to cancel out of plans at the last minute. I am SO guilty of doing this. I make plans with friends the full intention of following them through but then when the day actually rolls around I have the hardest time making myself actually go and meet up with the person. I usually feel too fat/tired/unmotivated/anti-social to actually meet up. One of my resolutions this year has been to STOP ISOLATING myself. Sadly, I suck. I still cancel on people at the last minute and I know that doesn't win me any friends but I can't stop doing it. It's hard to leave the house when you feel so ugly and don't want anyone else to witness your ugliness. I've already lost to many friends because they don't want to "watch me die from this ED" in their words (exaggeration much?) The last thing I need is to do is lose the remaining friends I do have because I've turned into so much of a flake.
The funny thing is that the people I am motivated to go out with are my other ED treatment friends. However, when you get 2 ED'd people together trying to make plans and both people have the tendency to cancel plans at the last minute, it gets pretty much impossible. I want to have a normal life where I can enjoy the company of others without feeling paralyzed by the fear of: what food will be there, what will I eat, how will I not draw attention to what I'm NOT eating, how can I let anyone see me when I feel so fat and unworthy.
I don't want to end up alone - an old crazy lady muttering to herself shut in her dark room, forgotten by the world.
I had really thought about this but it's so true!
ReplyDeleteEven now, the food doesn't worry me so much, but any sort of social event brings on the worries (what if I don't know what to say, things get awkward, someone doesn't like me-they think I'm an idiot) and I end up cancelling...
Sorry I can't really offer much advice here, just say that from what I've read I can tell you are a nice person and you won't end up alone. True friends are understanding and love you whether you have an ED or not. Perhaps the ones saying they couldn't be with you cause they didn't want to see you die of ED were trying to shake you out of it..It's hard for people that haven't had EDs to understand them and know how to help..
anyway,
sorry I've not been much help!
Take care,
C.
You need to make a resolution to do one thing you don't want to do/would normally cancel out on per week and just DO it, ugly or fat or not. Remember, no one else is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself.
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