Loss at 7 weeks

I wonder who you were. I wonder what your personality would have been like. I wonder if you would have looked like me. I wonder a lot of things. Like why.

But there are some things I don’t wonder because I know. Like how much I already loved you.

I don’t doubt God. Not at all. I just wonder how it would have felt to hold you in my arms, but it’s okay because now I know you're in the arms of Someone who loves you even more.

Life is so short, yours had just begun, not out of the womb yet but you were already a “someone” to me.

I know God is my strength right now because without Him I just couldn’t go on.

But now I’ll take life not for granted. It’s a true miracle that only God decides. Thank You God for creating a little miracle inside me and even though its time was short it was my little miracle nonetheless.

Possible Ectopic

It has been a really emotional week.

My beta went up to 400 which got my RE really worried that it was ectopic. I went in yesterday at 10:15am (drove all the way up to Vancouver, BC where the clinic is) for another ultrasound and she still couldn't see anything in the uterus at now 6w5days. She said it was not a viable pregnancy either way (in tubes or in uterus) and wanted to do a biopsy to determine whether it was ectopic. However, if it was in the uterus and she did a biopsy, she would trigger a miscarriage by doing the biopsy.

Then she decided that they couldn't wait to find out, and to give me Methotrexate to kill the cells, just in case it is ectopic. She was really worried and had me really worried too, saying stuff like, "You shouldn't be alone, it could rupture at anytime and your life could be in danger" & "Your only choice is to have this shot, there is no other way".

It made me sick thinking about putting a chemical inside to kill the pregnancy, but it didn't sound like there was a choice. It's one thing for it to miscarry naturally versus intentionally killing it. I couldn't bear the thought of the latter. I had to go for blood work to check kidney function, vitals, etc. before they would give me the shot. So I went, then hung around downtown Vancouver for 4 hours while waiting for the results. During this time, I prayed that there would be another way... that it could take a natural course.

God heard me! at 3pm they called me and said my HCG had dropped to 266! They weren't going to give me the shot, with the hopes that it would clear out naturally. What a relief! I'm much happier to wait and see and let nature take its course. Besides, if I had the Methotrexate, I wouldn't be able to even think about trying to getting pregnant for another 3 months until the chemical cleared out fully.

The hardest part about all this is not being able to really mourn. It's still in me and I haven't had any bleeding or cramping. How can I mourn when it is still technically there? As long as it is there, there is a shred of hope. But it is a waiting game, like watching the sand run out of a timer helplessly.

4th Beta - Levels Decreased

This picture is hopeful and haunting all at once. It brought me to tears especially in light of what I’m going through.

Update: The 4th beta went down to 266! How can this be happening to me? Is this for real? The nurse said that numbers that decrease indicate an impending miscarriage. It’s not good, but they never write it off until it actually happens, so there is still hope that it could turn around. Medicine can’t do anything at this point. It’s in Nature’s hands. However, they moved my ultrasound up to 6 weeks (Sep 16th Monday). If I start bleeding before then, obviously there is no need to go in, but if I haven’t, then they want to see what’s going on at that time. I have had a little lower back pain yesterday but other than that, no symptoms.

It hurts so much. I don’t know where to focus my head – do I begin to mourn or do I hold onto hope and faith that it could turn around? I don’t want to grieve prematurely, but it seems torturous to hold onto something that is slipping through my fingers. The silly thing is that my RE was happy with the first two betas. She didn’t even want to do a 3rd or a 4th. They only did them because I pushed for it. If not for my willfulness, I wouldn’t even know these results and I would be happy go lucky still. Maybe God is angry at me for not trusting him after the first two betas. I still wanted more reassurance instead of just letting go and believing in Him. Maybe he is telling me to just trust.

Science says one thing but God is ultimately in charge of the final decision, right?

3rd Beta Results

I couldn't wait til tomorrow. Right after dropping Z at school I went to the lab to get my blood taken for my 3rd beta results. Sigh... I am still on the low end (see below) and it didn't double. It only increased by 1.6 in 72 hours. It should be doubling in 48-72 hours. I don't know what to make of this. I am trying not to worry too much but it's hard.


Time after Last Period

3rd Week (6 - 71)

4th Week (10 - 750)

5th Week (217 - 7138)

6th Week (158 - 31795) <--Mine is only 496 7th Week (3697 - 163563) 8&9th Week (32065 - 151410) 10th Week (46509 - 186977) 12th Week (27832 - 210612) 14th Week (13950 - 62530) 15th Week (12039 - 70971) 16th Week (9040 - 56451) 17&18th Week (8175 - 58176) Time from Conception Non Pregnant: <5 0 - 1 Week: 5-50 1 - 2 Weeks: 40-300 2 - 3 Weeks: 100-1000 3 - 4 Weeks: 500-6000 <-- Mine is too low... 496

1 - 2 Months: 5000-200000

2 - 3 Months: 10000-100000

2nd Trimester: 3000-50000

3rd Trimester: 1000-50000


The only thing I can think to console myself is that the first 2 results were done from one lab and todays was done at a different lab, so maybe they have different ranges (hence the two different charts above)

Beta Tests and Ultrasound Scheduled

I did my first blood test 18 DPO (4 weeks 3 days pregnant) and my beta HCG level was 137. My second one at 20 DPO (4 weeks 5 days pregnant) was 310. It is doubling, but the overall numbers are low compared to the charts that I am finding online where the range is from 18-7000!!! My Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) said they look at numbers but also at the trend, and my trend is good (doubling in less than 48 hrs.) I will have another blood test tomorrow to see where the levels are at. Trying not to obsess over it and worry too much, but I'm going crazy that the numbers are too low. They scheduled me for my first OB Ultrasound on September 24. They said they only schedule ultrasounds if the two beta numbers are trending appropriately. I should relax, right? Symptom wise, I feel fine - a little nauseous and tired - but otherwise great!