4th Beta - Levels Decreased

This picture is hopeful and haunting all at once. It brought me to tears especially in light of what I’m going through.

Update: The 4th beta went down to 266! How can this be happening to me? Is this for real? The nurse said that numbers that decrease indicate an impending miscarriage. It’s not good, but they never write it off until it actually happens, so there is still hope that it could turn around. Medicine can’t do anything at this point. It’s in Nature’s hands. However, they moved my ultrasound up to 6 weeks (Sep 16th Monday). If I start bleeding before then, obviously there is no need to go in, but if I haven’t, then they want to see what’s going on at that time. I have had a little lower back pain yesterday but other than that, no symptoms.

It hurts so much. I don’t know where to focus my head – do I begin to mourn or do I hold onto hope and faith that it could turn around? I don’t want to grieve prematurely, but it seems torturous to hold onto something that is slipping through my fingers. The silly thing is that my RE was happy with the first two betas. She didn’t even want to do a 3rd or a 4th. They only did them because I pushed for it. If not for my willfulness, I wouldn’t even know these results and I would be happy go lucky still. Maybe God is angry at me for not trusting him after the first two betas. I still wanted more reassurance instead of just letting go and believing in Him. Maybe he is telling me to just trust.

Science says one thing but God is ultimately in charge of the final decision, right?