Possible Ectopic

It has been a really emotional week.

My beta went up to 400 which got my RE really worried that it was ectopic. I went in yesterday at 10:15am (drove all the way up to Vancouver, BC where the clinic is) for another ultrasound and she still couldn't see anything in the uterus at now 6w5days. She said it was not a viable pregnancy either way (in tubes or in uterus) and wanted to do a biopsy to determine whether it was ectopic. However, if it was in the uterus and she did a biopsy, she would trigger a miscarriage by doing the biopsy.

Then she decided that they couldn't wait to find out, and to give me Methotrexate to kill the cells, just in case it is ectopic. She was really worried and had me really worried too, saying stuff like, "You shouldn't be alone, it could rupture at anytime and your life could be in danger" & "Your only choice is to have this shot, there is no other way".

It made me sick thinking about putting a chemical inside to kill the pregnancy, but it didn't sound like there was a choice. It's one thing for it to miscarry naturally versus intentionally killing it. I couldn't bear the thought of the latter. I had to go for blood work to check kidney function, vitals, etc. before they would give me the shot. So I went, then hung around downtown Vancouver for 4 hours while waiting for the results. During this time, I prayed that there would be another way... that it could take a natural course.

God heard me! at 3pm they called me and said my HCG had dropped to 266! They weren't going to give me the shot, with the hopes that it would clear out naturally. What a relief! I'm much happier to wait and see and let nature take its course. Besides, if I had the Methotrexate, I wouldn't be able to even think about trying to getting pregnant for another 3 months until the chemical cleared out fully.

The hardest part about all this is not being able to really mourn. It's still in me and I haven't had any bleeding or cramping. How can I mourn when it is still technically there? As long as it is there, there is a shred of hope. But it is a waiting game, like watching the sand run out of a timer helplessly.