It has been an incredibly hard past few days. My former therapist who I saw from age 15 to 26 emailed me just before Christmas. She saw an old Christmas card I gave her and wanted to say hi to me and see how things are going. Hearing from her brought up all kinds of emotions. Happy that she remembered me, but then the intense sadness hit me.
As I am slowly (or not so slowly) slipping down the ED path again, she's been on my mind a lot even before she contacted me. I still hear her voice, picture what she would be saying to me if I were still seeing her. I want so much to see her again but it is just impossible. I live in the US now. She is in Canada. It hurts like hell to know that there's no going back. She knew me like no one else. She basically saw me grow from a teenager to an adult and was there through it all. I didn't have to explain things... she just "knew" them because she knew me so well. It's a HUGE loss to say goodbye to that. How can I ever replace her with a new therapist after all I've been through with her.
It feels like that door is slammed shut and I'm out in the cold. Literally, in a new country, new city, no support systems at all and no ties to my old supports. No accountability. I could keep starving, keep purging, nobody would know. Nobody would say anything or try to stop me here and that is scary because I can't be trusted to stop myself.
What I regret the most about therapy is that I was SO STUPID when I made the choice to abruptly stop seeing her in 2010. I had gained some weight after 2 mandatory hospitalizations and I felt disgusting and unworthy of seeing her, so I just stopped going. The ED voice told me that she only cared because I was medically unstable, but deep down I knew it wasn't true and that she did care for me. I just couldn't battle the ED thinking enough at that time. I felt fat and unworthy.
I wish I could go back and change that decision. We still had so much work to be done. Maybe if I had put the work in back then I wouldn't be here now, going down the same destructive path and chasing the same thinness god. I kept relapsing the whole 11 years we worked together. Revolving door of treatment and IP. Up and down, up and down, putting the focus on the symptoms and never getting to the TRUE underlying issues, never fixing the real problem. But that's my fault for always defaulting to starving and using the ED to cope rather than facing the pain and allowing her to help me work through it. I was so stupid. I wasted our time together, and now we are out of time entirely. I have lost her and there's no getting her back.
It hurts so much to regret things that you can't change. I feel so alone.
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thursday, March 13, 2014
A Pang of Sadness
I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.
Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.
This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.
Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.
This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Loss at 7 weeks
I wonder who you were. I wonder what your personality would have been like. I wonder if you would have looked like me. I wonder a lot of things. Like why.
But there are some things I don’t wonder because I know. Like how much I already loved you.
I don’t doubt God. Not at all. I just wonder how it would have felt to hold you in my arms, but it’s okay because now I know you're in the arms of Someone who loves you even more.
Life is so short, yours had just begun, not out of the womb yet but you were already a “someone” to me.
I know God is my strength right now because without Him I just couldn’t go on.
But now I’ll take life not for granted. It’s a true miracle that only God decides. Thank You God for creating a little miracle inside me and even though its time was short it was my little miracle nonetheless.
But there are some things I don’t wonder because I know. Like how much I already loved you.
I don’t doubt God. Not at all. I just wonder how it would have felt to hold you in my arms, but it’s okay because now I know you're in the arms of Someone who loves you even more.
Life is so short, yours had just begun, not out of the womb yet but you were already a “someone” to me.
I know God is my strength right now because without Him I just couldn’t go on.
But now I’ll take life not for granted. It’s a true miracle that only God decides. Thank You God for creating a little miracle inside me and even though its time was short it was my little miracle nonetheless.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Possible Ectopic
It has been a really emotional week.
My beta went up to 400 which got my RE really worried that it was ectopic. I went in yesterday at 10:15am (drove all the way up to Vancouver, BC where the clinic is) for another ultrasound and she still couldn't see anything in the uterus at now 6w5days. She said it was not a viable pregnancy either way (in tubes or in uterus) and wanted to do a biopsy to determine whether it was ectopic. However, if it was in the uterus and she did a biopsy, she would trigger a miscarriage by doing the biopsy.
Then she decided that they couldn't wait to find out, and to give me Methotrexate to kill the cells, just in case it is ectopic. She was really worried and had me really worried too, saying stuff like, "You shouldn't be alone, it could rupture at anytime and your life could be in danger" & "Your only choice is to have this shot, there is no other way".
It made me sick thinking about putting a chemical inside to kill the pregnancy, but it didn't sound like there was a choice. It's one thing for it to miscarry naturally versus intentionally killing it. I couldn't bear the thought of the latter. I had to go for blood work to check kidney function, vitals, etc. before they would give me the shot. So I went, then hung around downtown Vancouver for 4 hours while waiting for the results. During this time, I prayed that there would be another way... that it could take a natural course.
God heard me! at 3pm they called me and said my HCG had dropped to 266! They weren't going to give me the shot, with the hopes that it would clear out naturally. What a relief! I'm much happier to wait and see and let nature take its course. Besides, if I had the Methotrexate, I wouldn't be able to even think about trying to getting pregnant for another 3 months until the chemical cleared out fully.
The hardest part about all this is not being able to really mourn. It's still in me and I haven't had any bleeding or cramping. How can I mourn when it is still technically there? As long as it is there, there is a shred of hope. But it is a waiting game, like watching the sand run out of a timer helplessly.
My beta went up to 400 which got my RE really worried that it was ectopic. I went in yesterday at 10:15am (drove all the way up to Vancouver, BC where the clinic is) for another ultrasound and she still couldn't see anything in the uterus at now 6w5days. She said it was not a viable pregnancy either way (in tubes or in uterus) and wanted to do a biopsy to determine whether it was ectopic. However, if it was in the uterus and she did a biopsy, she would trigger a miscarriage by doing the biopsy.
Then she decided that they couldn't wait to find out, and to give me Methotrexate to kill the cells, just in case it is ectopic. She was really worried and had me really worried too, saying stuff like, "You shouldn't be alone, it could rupture at anytime and your life could be in danger" & "Your only choice is to have this shot, there is no other way".
It made me sick thinking about putting a chemical inside to kill the pregnancy, but it didn't sound like there was a choice. It's one thing for it to miscarry naturally versus intentionally killing it. I couldn't bear the thought of the latter. I had to go for blood work to check kidney function, vitals, etc. before they would give me the shot. So I went, then hung around downtown Vancouver for 4 hours while waiting for the results. During this time, I prayed that there would be another way... that it could take a natural course.
God heard me! at 3pm they called me and said my HCG had dropped to 266! They weren't going to give me the shot, with the hopes that it would clear out naturally. What a relief! I'm much happier to wait and see and let nature take its course. Besides, if I had the Methotrexate, I wouldn't be able to even think about trying to getting pregnant for another 3 months until the chemical cleared out fully.
The hardest part about all this is not being able to really mourn. It's still in me and I haven't had any bleeding or cramping. How can I mourn when it is still technically there? As long as it is there, there is a shred of hope. But it is a waiting game, like watching the sand run out of a timer helplessly.
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