I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.
Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.
This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI know that I felt the exact same way last fall and had to avoid fb because everybody else (it seemed) was having babies or pregnant. I hate feeling jealous, or sad or any of that so I just avoided it. I guess I wondered why I wasn't allowed to feel that same happiness they had and why mine had to be taken away, and it felt unfair... even though I know life just isn't always fair. And heavens, I've put myself through enough that I'm probably quite lucky.
I hope that someday, at the right time, you'll also be able to have a child if you choose. I also wouldn't worry too much about turning 30... they teach us in school that past 35 is when risks for things start to increase, but that 40 is actually when those risks become more substantial. Even then, there seem to be plenty of women over the age of 40 having perfectly healthy children these days. That said, I too had the exact same fear as you... in my case, since I have no children I was also worried about how old I would be if we ever tried to have a second (and at least you don't need to worry about that!).
sending lots of ((hugs)) your way... you have soo much on your plate right now with being in a new location (new country!) and having a new job and everything else. xoxo