Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I am so blessed to have made such wonderful, supportive and honest friends through my blogging journey. I feel like I can share so much with you - more than I can with real life friends - and can get more honest feedback.
I know it is possible for men and women to have platonic relationships, but it is not easy to navigate. It's especially hard when there is an undeniable element of attraction. I personally know I wouldn't cross that physical line, but the emotional one is less defined. I know that he texts me first thing in the morning and late into the night. We both haven't told our spouses that we are texting each other. I am best friends with one of my exes (not Z's dad) who I dated for 3 years (when I was 19). My husband *hates* that we are friends and refuses to be in the same room as him. At Z's birthday party on the weekend, he actually left and sulked in another room because I invited my ex. This ex was a father figure to Z since birth, as Z's dad wasn't around much.
I know that my husband is easily jealous, however, up until this point I haven't given him a reason to be. I'm afraid of the fall-out if he knew that I was texting this guy, even just as a friend. I had to go to the store he works at yesterday to get something for work. I tried to go late in the evening, thinking he might be gone for the day. I have been so confused about what's going on, I really didn't want to face him and add to that. Well, he was there and he saw me. We started talking and I ended up spending half an hour there.
As soon as I left he wrote, "You looked absolutely gorgeous! That dress looked soooo good on you. You are smoking hot! I couldn't stop staring. Thad dress hugged your body and damn... wow!".
Is it possible to innocently flirt with a guy and stay friends without crossing that next line? Maybe it is... I'm undecided. He has talked about our kids playing together (his daughter is 3) and me meeting his wife and our families hanging out. His texts are definitely not G-Rated, but yet we've talked about our families all hanging out together. It's like two conflicting realities.
The texting is fun and addictive and a great distraction during my day. My husband has been sick with the flu for the past couple of days, so he's been pretty out of it and really cranky.
I'll be honest with you and I hope I don't ever come across as mean, because I'm truly not trying to be. I truly think you're already at "the line" and you're on the verge of crossing it. I think this is all information that needs to be revealed to your husband out of respect. If you know that he won't like it, then I really believe you need to back away. I think relationships with the opposite sex when you're married always need to involve your spouse 100%. If you can't have a mutual friendship with that person with your husband being involved, you have no business being in that relationship at all.
ReplyDeleteI mean, if you really thought all this was okay, that there was nothing at all amiss with it, would you be sharing and asking about it at all? If there is any doubt in your mind about this situation, you probably shouldn't be doing it.
Please, out of respect for your marriage and your husband and your son and this beautiful like you've come into, please back away. I know it's going to be so hard because it IS addictive and fun and so exciting and it makes you feel pretty and like a million bucks...but it can cause so much more damage in the long run than it's worth. Your sick husband needs you right now (because we all know men just can't handle illness of any kind) and maybe this can be a talking point for you two after gets better so you can bring some of that same spark and excitement into your marriage.
What do you imagine happening if you continue to build a relationship with this man? What does it look like, to have him in your life longer term? Where do you see this going? Where do you want it to go?
ReplyDeleteOn a similar thread, what do you want your relationship with your husband to look like in the future?
I'm concerned that you and your husband are not fully supporting each others emotional needs. If your husband sent you nice texts throughout the day, would this man's texts hold so much value? Is your husband's jealousy with your ex due to him being concerned that your emotional attachment to him is not strong enough?
I really think that if you were emotionally connected to your husband that you would never consider doing something that would hurt him, and what is happening is a symptom of a larger problem that needs attention. What is happening is totally natural and it happens to everyone. This is an opportunity to assess things with your husband and reset the course of your future together.
Honestly think about how you feel and what you need and engage with your husband - he has committed his life to you and is your most important resource for support.
No, it is totally inappropriate that he is texting you things like that. TOTALLY. Big line cross. A man who is a friend should not be telling you how attractive you are to him on a regular basis. Once would be one thing, but he should keep that shit to himself. He is being so rude and disrespectful to his relationship and you risk not respecting yours too if you continue. I think you need to break this off and work on finding other sources of friendship support in your new town.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the others above again: I think his texting has gone over the line at this point. He actually now is beginning to remind of one of my best friend's boyfriends, who she later found trying to cheat on her. He would act all innocent in person with people, but then she'd find texts that were inappropriate to those same people. People like that can tend to lie about a lot of things, and I wouldn't be surprised if he really has no intent of ever getting together as families etc and just figures that is what you want to hear, so he says that. He may be fun, but I wouldn't trust someone like that.
ReplyDeleteOn the topic of your ex... I think that is an entirely different situation and, in some ways, he came as part of the package with you and Z because of his relationship with Z. It's not as if your hubby didn't know what he was getting into there... though I can also sympathize with his jealousy because that must be sort of hard for him to be around. I know I wouldn't be thrilled about hanging out with my husbands exes... but if there was a situation like your's it becomes understandable so long as it's not 24-7. However, like was mentioned above, maybe there is some reason he feels uneasy and it might be worth addressing. Honestly, though, I think that relationship will probably get easier with time... especially since it has so much to with Z and not just you.
((hugs))