I made the mistake today of looking at old pictures. Specifically pictures of my last 3 IP hospital stays.
I have been out of IP for 2 years now. Doing OK but lately feeling a strong pull to go back down the ED road. The photos pulled at my heart and my mind. Looking at the girl in the pictures, I am jealous of what she had. Sure, I have happiness now and I fought hard to be free of the ED, but there is still a deep longing in me to go back to those days. To recover the ED Identity that had been the defining factor in me for more than half my life. I'm more familiar with the SICK me than the healthy me.
I don't know how to get those images out of my mind and the compulsion to prove to myself that I can do it (get sick) again.
Don't go back down that path again. It isn't worth it to sacrifice your happiness and how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteYou've come so far! Your past will always be with you in some ways... and I think going through the emotions you've been dealing with lately certainly could cause you to want to return to the "safety" of the known struggles instead of facing head on these new ones. The choice is always yours... you are capable of making yourself that sick again, but you're also capable of staying strong, keeping healthy and forging a new path and a strong identity beyond ED! You're the same girl on the inside no matter what you're putting your body through -- you've always been strong. Use the strength to fight back against the thoughts instead and you'll be golden. <3
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you might be "romanticizing" the times you were deep in your ED and not remembering how truly awful it is to live like that. Now you have a great man in your life, your son is back in your life (I still remember he wasn't and couldn't be when you were very sick). Try to remember how sad that life was... It was no life, in reality.
ReplyDeleteTia,
ReplyDeleteHold onto to what you have now...please don't lose everything, like I did. Please.
And either burn the pictures or bury them somewhere that you can't get at.
ReplyDelete