Prozac

I made a deal with my tx team.
I will take anti-depressants and they will not tube me (yet), so that will buy me a bit more time and see if that helps a bit.
I realize for the first time in my life that I really do not control this ED. I used to think that I was still in control the whole time and I was "choosing" not to get better, but I have been trying so hard lately not to succumb to the negative thoughts but they continue to overwhelm me. I realize how much this illness is paralyzing me but I feel powerless to do anything. I have tried a lot of different things but nothing gets better. I don't want to "fail" and have to rely on a tube to live, that's why I'm going to take the meds.

December is just around the corner - I have so many difficult memories around Christmas. It seems to be the hardest time of the year. Surrounded by joy and feeling none inside. It makes me feel even deader inside.