I had no idea my FB status about my IP date would spark such a discussion! One friend of mine, Cathy, who is soon to be an ex-friend, is extremely ignorant and judgmental and left some comments on my status like "she's just doing it for attention". Imagine that, talking about me as if I'm not there - on my own FB page! She has never understood nor tried to understand ED's. She's one of those people who says, "Just eat!" as if that would fix the problem. I'm very sad to lose her as a friend since we've known each other since age 16 when we did a Québec exchange program together. I don't have a lot of longterm friendships and I used to value this one but her attitude towards the ED and her unsupportive, downright rude comments are unforgivable. It seems as though she only wants to be friends when I'm healthy and I don't want to deal with that negativity and with having to fulfill certain conditions in order to remain her friend. I have thought long and hard about this and I think too much damage has been done. Even if I recover, I cannot be her friend knowing how she acted during this time.
Over the weekend I had a crazy urge to bake. Maybe to make up for the time I know I won't be able to bake in the hospital. I made apple turnovers, vol-au-vents, sour cream cinnamon nut coffee cake, chicken pot pie, taipei coconut buns, pound cake, brownies, cheesecake squares and cheese crackers. Maybe it was a way to take my mind off the thoughts that are flying around frantically.
I read the 20 page booklet of 'guidelines" from the hospital. It is so restrictive it's not even funny. They even have things in there like "You may put peanut butter on your apple or banana but not any other fruit" and "You are allowed 2 salt packages and 4 pepper packages per meal." WTF am I getting into? No cell phones, no internet, no cameras, it's a LOCKED WARD. I'm banking on being there maximum 3 weeks. That's what they told me, that's what I'm doing. Nothing more than that. The time frame of 3 weeks is my security blanket, so I pray to God that they don't change that on me suddenly. All weekend I have been freaking out and trying to find ways to get out of this. This morning I left messages for my family doctor and another ED doctor who's seen me before. I want to get their opinions and see if there is any way I can get out of going in on Thursday. I have only 3 days of freedom left. Oh. My. God. 3 days left for me to be anxious and obsess.
I have these scenarios playing in my head where I get dropped off at the hospital and I run away before they can sign me in. But then I can only hide for so long, right? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, must've been a nightmare or anxiety around everything that's going on. I still don't believe 100% that this is happening to me. It can't be... this has to be a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I wish.
I was just reading all of the shit that she wrote on your wall before I came here to check in. WHAT A BITCH. You can tell when a person has had an easy mental-illness-free life. People like Cathy don't understand that it's about feeling out of control, about feeling like you aren't ever good enough, like you have to OWN something of yourself even if it hurts. Don't let the things that she said (and will probably continue to say) get you down. You have a lot of friends who ARE friends, who WILL support you - now and after you have this disease behind you.
ReplyDeleteThat said, Tianne, you need to STOP trying to get out of this. I have seen your recent photos and you look so sick, sweetie. It brings tears to my eyes, it is hard to look at. You are killing yourself & whether it is intentional or not, that is what is happening. I know how hard it is to give someone else the reins, to let someone in and admit that you need help. I KNOW that you have a long road of recovery ahead of and it's a scary journey to start on. You are probably wondering "Who will I be after this?" because the ED has controlled your life, defined you, for so long. You will still be YOU and we will still love you, no matter what.
I'm sure there is a good reason (though I'm not sure I understand it) for the food restrictions and whatnot. Maybe too much of certain foods could put your body into shock after being starved for so long, I don't know.
I'm thinking of you and I'm hoping you will make the best of your time in IP. Think of all the people who care about you and especially of your son. He NEEDS his mother. xoxo
I wish you all the best in IP. I hope that you can find a way to live and not be controlled by an ED. While I don't think that everyone should have to eat in the same ways (ie. pb on apple only...), you do need to break from your cycle of bad habits and reconsider your relationship with food. It will take years - not three weeks - and I know that you know that. *hug*
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that the food restrictions are a combination based on hospital policy and maybe somewhat on some of the strange behaviors of some eating disorders. I knew some people at my support group would chew food and spit it out, or eat parts of food -- stuff like that, which I never understood because it was scary enough to eat food let alone do it some certain way. My grandfather was in the hospital this summer, and they had the same rules about salt and pepper I think. Some patients could have some, others couldn't have any, and it looked like they limited it because their food had to meet the criteria to be "healthy". Pretty sure even only people with low blood pressure were allowed any salt.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, try not to think about it TOO much -- although I'm sure that's near impossible. Focus on spending some time with Zach each day and during that time just appreciate being with him -- or do the same doing something else you like, just appreciate doing whatever it is because you deserve some time to enjoy your life anxiety-free each day. In three weeks, you may be able to enjoy life even more and while you're in the hospital you may meet some nice people or even ones who might inspire you to recover (unlike *cough* Cathy). Although the thoughts resurface consistently even over time, you can leave the hospital three weeks from now feeling strong and healthy (NOT fat!!) and able to fight them... it could be worlds different three weeks from now :)
PS> that's a lot of food you cooked... probably more than me in a week and I totally need to get better at that!!! Glad you enjoyed baking though! I'm hoping it rubs off on me :)