Right now I'm contemplating buying a condo. I moved back home after my ex and I split up and have been living there ever since (2 years ago). I'm hoping to move out soon. It's not that things are bad for the most part... it's just every day I stay at home, I feel like I lose a little bit more of myself.
I always want 2 opposite things equally strongly and at the very same time -
*I want to be taken care of and abdicated of responsibility (therefore I stay sick) but then I don't want independence and not to be treated like a child (I push people away when I feel that they are trying to control me)/
*I want to go into IP but my ED doesn't want me to go into IP, keeps telling me I don't deserve it.
*I want to be successful, to use my accounting designation to be "someone" and to make something of my life... but then again I also want to drive myself down the road of thinness to see just how low it goes... hence giving up all chances of a 'real' life and future
*I want to get married and to take on that home maker, soccer-mom kind of role, but the thought of being close to anyone - especially in a romantic, intimate kind of way - makes me literally sick.
These things and others that I can't think of right now function to keep me stuck in a rut. Vibrating back and forth between the opposite poles yet moving nowhere. I need something to shock my system in order to get out of the rut. Maybe I just need to be more fucking decisive.
Maybe you need to cut yourself some slack and nurture yourself. I don't know you well, but I already see some wonderful qualities you possess that have nothing to do with your eating disorder. You are so much more than that.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are stuck and do need help, but that isn't anything to be ashamed about. Use what's offered so you can reach those goals and have the life you want. I believe you can do it- although it won't be easy.
One day, one moment, one breath at a time.
honestly, i dont see how moving out will help. it might cause more stress to be totally responsible for your son, yourself, and the bills all the time. i know that i wanted to move out when i was at my sickest, but i stayed put because i knew the extra stress of being by myself would push me over the edge..
ReplyDeletekeep working hard at recovering, or trying to get to recovery and one day the pieces will fall into place and there will be a right time to move out.. dont force it though..