Half the year is already gone. Only 1/2 of 2010 is left...and it's Canada Day tomorrow! Holidays and unstructured time in general makes me nervous. I don't like all that free time - it just means more time for me to get into trouble by ruminating about things in my head. Especially now without school to occupy my time, things get pretty dark and negative pretty quickly if I'm left with extra mental space.
I get panicky thinking about how much I haven't done, how fast time is going... I just try not thinking about that because it's one of those things that is out of my control. I have been trying really hard to distinguish between the things I can control and the things I can't and not to dwell on those that I can't control because it will drive me nuts.
Today my vision kept going blurry when I was staring at the computer at work. I had such a terrble head ache. The floor kept spinning up at me. Every day it's a battle in my head - my body is saying one thing - screaming at me that I need to feed it more - but my head is screaming that I'm too fat and the number on the scale invalidates me as a person. No matter how many muscle cramps, head spins, dizzy spells, my mind still wins out, convincing me that I'm faking it. This isn't real. It can't be with the fatness on my body...
Fat. I wish the word didn't exist.
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