Say no to sin

I feel extremely panicky, misunderstood, pushed to the edge. I feel like I'm flailing about, trying to anchor myself to something. My T is not working today, I don't talk to friends about stuff like this, I wish I were a stronger person who could kill herself. I'm not 'gutsy' enough to follow through on it but I often wish I were. I have nowhere to go, not even in my head, there is no peace for me.

I hate my mother. It sounds harsh and terrible but she is the single biggest barrier to recovery in my life. She frustrates me more than anyone else in the entire world and I have never felt so strongly negative about anyone as I feel towards her.

I have been trying to take some steps forward with not purging. Yesterday I slipped. I only purged 2x this week. ONLY 2 times. Isn't that fantastic? Shouldn't that be something to be applauded? I fucking think so. Instead, my mom decided to call me at work and focus on the one slip last night and how she doesn't want to see that happen EVER. Like I should just be able to stop because she's dealt with this for enough years now. I tried to stay calm and tell her, yes I slipped but look at how much I've improved in huge leaps and bounds -

I've tried the alcoholisim/drug analogy to explain that you can't snap your fingers and get better just like that. But she says, celebrities go into rehab and come out a few months later and put all that behind them. WHY CAN'T YOU do the same?

In her eyes it's so more OK for me to just starve than to purge because purging is grosser. She doesn't understand that they're the same thing = coping mechanisms. She started quoting her pastor, "This is just a temptation, use your will power to turn away from sin. It's a choice." I'm sorry to anyone who is religious but that is a fucking load of bullshit. "Say no to sin". If I weren't so overwhelmed and frustrated right now I would find this funny. If it were a choice and if it were as simple as that, there wouldn't be a need for IP or Treatment Centres or any of that stuff.

She also said, "didn't you have a good day yesterday? Why would you go and purge when you had a good day yesterday?" As if it were that simple. The tightness in my chest is creeping up on me and I want to cry but I can't. I've disconnected from my feelings. They lie beneath the surface, sinister and damaging, but I can't release them. I can't even get peace through the catharsis of tears. My body won't let me cry although my mind wants to. I need somebody to talk to, I need someone to understand. I wish my mom could understand and not judge the way she does. It hurts more than I can explain.