Crazy feelings

I’m feeling out of control and crazy. I wonder if I will ever be free from the abandonment issues that have plagued me for so long. I have such a good thing right now that I’m terrified to ruin it. I fear that my fears will become self-fulfilling prophecies. I hate this monster inside me that twists everything in my head and leaves me completely confused and lost and empty. I have no good reason to feel abandoned. I get so many emails and texts every day telling me how much he loves and cherishes me. We had a great first Christmas together, but not without a lot of family drama on my side. I’m sad to admit that I have gone back to the old reassurance of self-injury (wrist banging in an effort to ward off the urges to cut). On Christmas Eve I contemplated taking a bottle of sleeping pills to get away from the tension regarding where I would spend Christmas. I don’t want to commit suicide. I want to live, I just want to prove how much distress I am in because words without action are not powerful enough to be noticed. BB managed to talk me out of it by saying, “Please, for me, don’t do this”. My mom was upset that I wanted to spend part of the day with C’s family. She felt betrayed and kept saying, “you’re not even engaged, you’re not married, WE are your family so you should be with us”. I wanted to scream at her, “But I AM married! WE are a family now!” but of course I couldn’t say a thing. It never seems to matter what *I* want. The only time it ever mattered was when I was so skeletal and emaciated that people could visibly see my pain. Or when I was covered in cuts that screamed the truth to people who wouldn’t listen to me otherwise. The fact that he is so reassuring and understanding only makes me feel more guilty. I don’t want to put him through this hell. This is MY hell and nobody else should be subjected to it. I have dealt with it for so many years. I don’t know if it has become a part of me and if I can ever be rid of it. I finally found someone who loves me. I wish I could explain the empty feeling and that it is not HIM. It is Me. Everyone thinks that since I’m not teetering on the edge of death, that things are OK. Instead, with the weight has come a flood of emotions that I simply could not feel before due to starvation. So many times before I have reached this point and then thrown it all away to run back down the ED road. This time is a little different. I have things that I WANT to live for, but the problem is, I don’t know if I know how to fight. It’s never worked before – why would it work now? I’m afraid of all the empty, hollow time after work. There is an old ED part that is starting to get excited about the freedom and time that I would have to b/p. I’m trying to not think about all the places I can stop and get food on the way home. If nothing else, bingeing and purging is a way to fill the time and blank out my thinking for a few hours. At this point I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the voice is telling me – go for it. The biggest difference between this time and all other times is that if I do slip up and lose the one I love, it will be a much harder blow because I have now had the opportunity to taste true HAPPINESS.