Crazy feelings

I’m feeling out of control and crazy. I wonder if I will ever be free from the abandonment issues that have plagued me for so long. I have such a good thing right now that I’m terrified to ruin it. I fear that my fears will become self-fulfilling prophecies. I hate this monster inside me that twists everything in my head and leaves me completely confused and lost and empty. I have no good reason to feel abandoned. I get so many emails and texts every day telling me how much he loves and cherishes me. We had a great first Christmas together, but not without a lot of family drama on my side. I’m sad to admit that I have gone back to the old reassurance of self-injury (wrist banging in an effort to ward off the urges to cut). On Christmas Eve I contemplated taking a bottle of sleeping pills to get away from the tension regarding where I would spend Christmas. I don’t want to commit suicide. I want to live, I just want to prove how much distress I am in because words without action are not powerful enough to be noticed. BB managed to talk me out of it by saying, “Please, for me, don’t do this”. My mom was upset that I wanted to spend part of the day with C’s family. She felt betrayed and kept saying, “you’re not even engaged, you’re not married, WE are your family so you should be with us”. I wanted to scream at her, “But I AM married! WE are a family now!” but of course I couldn’t say a thing. It never seems to matter what *I* want. The only time it ever mattered was when I was so skeletal and emaciated that people could visibly see my pain. Or when I was covered in cuts that screamed the truth to people who wouldn’t listen to me otherwise. The fact that he is so reassuring and understanding only makes me feel more guilty. I don’t want to put him through this hell. This is MY hell and nobody else should be subjected to it. I have dealt with it for so many years. I don’t know if it has become a part of me and if I can ever be rid of it. I finally found someone who loves me. I wish I could explain the empty feeling and that it is not HIM. It is Me. Everyone thinks that since I’m not teetering on the edge of death, that things are OK. Instead, with the weight has come a flood of emotions that I simply could not feel before due to starvation. So many times before I have reached this point and then thrown it all away to run back down the ED road. This time is a little different. I have things that I WANT to live for, but the problem is, I don’t know if I know how to fight. It’s never worked before – why would it work now? I’m afraid of all the empty, hollow time after work. There is an old ED part that is starting to get excited about the freedom and time that I would have to b/p. I’m trying to not think about all the places I can stop and get food on the way home. If nothing else, bingeing and purging is a way to fill the time and blank out my thinking for a few hours. At this point I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the voice is telling me – go for it. The biggest difference between this time and all other times is that if I do slip up and lose the one I love, it will be a much harder blow because I have now had the opportunity to taste true HAPPINESS.

Despair

I feel so helpless in the face of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). When I began this relationship I was determined not to go down the same path as before, but here I am. I don’t know how to cope with this. I wonder if it’s even possible for me to have a successful Long Term relationship. The literature isn’t looking so positive. In fact, many articles warn non-BPD’s to stay way from relationships with BP’s. I feel a sinking sense of despair. What I fear most is being abandoned, but this often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Clinging so much to somebody that you end up pushing them away – what you feared in the first place. When you have eventually and inevitably driven them away, you say, “There. I told you that they would abandon me. Everyone goes away in the end”. And there you are, left hanging and unhinged. Left damaged. So many BP’s end up killing themselves. I can understand why. Just reading the bleak prognosis here makes me wonder why I should bother living when it will mean enduring this hell. Some info I found (edited). My comments are in the [...] brackets. In general, people with BPD feel worthless, empty, moody, needy, depressed, and have difficulty managing their emotions. They are looking for that all-loving “other” who will provide the unconditional love they cannot give themselves [I put too much importance on BB. I look to him for my emotional well being and this is too much for anyone to bear]. BPs often act inconsistently and impulsively in ways they later regret, see other as either all good or all bad, and base their beliefs on feelings instead of facts. Borderlines are people in pain. BPs commonly manage their intense pain in two ways: they act in (mutilate themselves, make suicide attempts, express self-hate) or act out (blame loved ones, criticize, make unfair accusations, act emotionally or physically abusive, put others in no-win situations, and use emotional blackmail). [I tend to act inwards. Cut, starve, b/p. But I often make BB choose between me and something/someone else. He always chooses me but I'm afraid that he will get sick of this.] Pervasive Shame: Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that a person is flawed and defective as a human being. It is no longer an emotion that signals limits; it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, the feeling of being isolated, empty, and alone in a complete sense. [The overwhelming feeling I experience is emptiness] Substance abuse: BPD and substance abuse disorders often go hand in hand. Another study reported that about 23 percent of borderline patients had a diagnosis of substance abuse. Borderline substance abusers are likely to abuse more than one drug (a frequent combination is drug and alcohol abuse), are more likely to be depressed, have more frequent suicide attempts and accidents, have less impulse control, and seem to have more antisocial tendencies. [Not applicable to me] Undefined Boundaries: People with BPD have difficulty with personal limits —both their own and those of others. [Yes] Control Issues: Borderlines may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, they may be trying to make their own world more predictable and manageable. They may choose a lifestyle where all choices are made for them, such as the military or a cult, or they may align themselves with abusive people who try to control them through fear. [Yes] Lack of Object Constancy: When a person is lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This ability is known as object constancy. Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don’t exist on an emotional level. [Yes] Interpersonal Sensitivity: Some BP’s have the astute ability to identify and use social and nonverbal cues of others. They can empathize well with others and often understand and respect how others feel, and they can use these skills to “see through others.” Some BPs may continue to use these social antennae to uncover triggers and vulnerabilities. [Yes] Situational Competence: Some people with BPD are competent and in control in some situations. For example, many perform very well at work and are high achievers. Many are very intelligent, creative, and artistic. This can be very confusing for family members who don’t understand why the person can act so assuredly in one situation and fall apart in another. [This only really affects my romantic relationships. Not work nor friendships]

BPD-ish

people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. like secret road maps of their personal histories. diagrams of all their old wounds. most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. but some of them don’t. some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.