The more you try not to think about something, the more you end up thinking about it.
I've been putting so much energy into trying NOT to purge that it ends up being on my mind constantly and I've thus been failing miserably at it.
I feel like such a failure (again) and I cancelled my T appointment 2 days ago because I couldn't face her. I feel like my last T gave up on me after 9 years of working together. She basically said that if I keep going like this I will die from my ED and unless I want to really change there's no point us continuing to work together. It was a huge slap in the face because I in fact DO want to change. I'm not sure I am ready to let go of the restricting part of my ED but I am sure as hell trying to stop the purging part.
Yes, I'm not ready to get 100% better but I'm ready to get a little bit better. I don't want my current T to see me as a hopeless case too. I have been sick for 15 years now, almost 16 years. I can't blame people for thinking I'm a lifer, however, it still stings when people give up on you.
Here's another reason I feel like shit. My ex just moved in with his new girlfriend yesterday. In the meantime, I am still single and nowhere near dating anyone let alone moving in with anyone. I have no desire to be with my ex at all - I think the smartest move I ever made was breaking up with him - but I feel left behind by everyone around me who leads normal lives. In some ways I envy the really sick ED girls who are locked up in institutions because at least they don't have to be present in the world and feel that loneliness of being left behind. Instead they are contained within the safe walls of a hospital, on a very predictable schedule, support 24/7, a place to feel safe in.
Yes, but you were in inpatient at one point and what got in the way of you getting better then??? Sounds like you need inpatient, following by a residential program.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a failure! You are just struggling! Please, don't give up! Let your treatment team in!
ReplyDeleteI was one of those "chronic cases" in a county run adult care facility, and trust me, it was no walk in the park. I still felt left behind and alone, every single day. It was like i did not belong there, but I felt like I did not belong in the real world either.
Can you get into long term ED treatment? I mean, longer than just being in a psych ward for a few weeks to get stabalised? A few months might seem like a long time to be away from your son, but that would be better than passing away, and leaving him for good. You deserve a chance to be well! I worry for you!
I am sorry you are struggling so much right now : (
ReplyDeleteBut things WILL get better, just keep fighting. I agree with Lisa about you trying to get into a long term treatment. I REALLY think that is what you need right now.
lots of hugs and prayers,
jenn
im very sorry to see that you are struggling.. i still struggle everyday - battle of the mind is very much still raging.. one thing to note though is im going to agree with another commenter- try for your son! hes a little boy and doesnt understand how much pain you are in, but im sure he senses it. it may seem painful to get help in a treatment program away for him for a few months now, but if you get better think of how many more years you will have with him later on :)
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