5 days until my family leaves for NY and I will be alone - just me and my son. I am so looking forward to it. The space will be truly welcomed as my mom and I fight like cats and dogs all the time.
I fear how out of control my eating disorder could potentially get. No one to watch me or keep me accountable. No one to say, "hey... that's not ok". As it stands, being alone even for 2 hours flicks a switch in my head that screams: Binge/Purge! What more 10 whole days? I know I can look after myself pretty much OK but in the back of my head I think, don't have a heart attack when you're home alone or else what will happen to Zach? (my 3 y/o son). I have a few extra appointments booked in during this time with my T and tx team. The passive agressive side of me wouldn't mind getting really ill while they're gone, sorta like an "eff-you for leaving me."
On the topic of treatment, I'm getting referred to Homewood in Guelph, Ontario, a 2-4 month IP program. It's something like $500/day but I think our basic medical plan might help out a bit depending on the doc's recommendations. I've never paid for treatment (other than individual therapy) before as I've been lucky to access the local & free prograns and hospitals, but now I'm feeling like it's not enough. I would love the chance to go to Renfrew or Remuda but that is WAY too expensive. Maybe I'n just biased because of the HBO documentary "Thin" (2006?) about Renfrew. There's also Mercy Ministries (free, 6 mo. program, locations in USA and Canada) but I'm a little leery because of its Christian focus.
During my OP hospital visit 3 days ago I ran into a friend from my Fall IP stay. She's back in IP. Immediately I felt like shit for not being in IP myself. I must not be thin enough/sick enough why am *I* out here and she's in there. I don't deserve to be healthier than her. Blah blah blah. All these thoughts flying a mile a minute. A touch of envy also flashed in my mind.
Isn't it ironic, I feel like being in an institution would be liberating. What kind of sick and twisted logic is that!? I would welcome the relinquishment of control for a little while, which tells you just how overwhelming my life is.
just because your friend is IP and you aren't doesn't mean you aren't sick enough to be. but i understand that thinking, the need to be forced into getting help to know that you "deserve" it. but when you were sectioned, did you even believe then that you were sick enough?
ReplyDeletethere is something freeing about being hospitalized. about just letting go and have others take over. it can feel really safe and comforting. even though part of me hates losing that control, i often long to go back.