I find safety in feeling sick. Some days when I don't physically feel as crappy, I actually start getting worried that maybe somehow I'm getting healthier (read: fatter) without my consent.
This is day to day what I am used to:
-Cold hands
-Seeing stars and black spots when I stand up
-Being bone tired
-Fighting not to fall asleep in the afternoon (ie. right now, lol) at work
-Insomnia (waking up at 2:30 every night, tossing and turning until I can't take it anymore and get out of bed)
-Terrible stomach pains when I eat anything
-Reflux
-Leg cramps
-Can't stand up for too long without leaning against a supporting surface, my legs feel weak.
None of these things feels good physically, but they reassure me. Nothing else seems to soothe me the way bones and numbers on a scale can. I wish I could change my mind, but I'm getting older, I'm getting more set in my ways so to speak... change is not easy... I need to feel safe and unfortunately I don't know how else to do it, other than living in a hospital 24/7.
Boy, can I relate.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say that will help you, but I do have this little anecdote: when I was in this one treatment center, we did a group activity exploring boundaries and safety. The therapist had us take a ball of yarn and unwind it to form a circle around ourselves (individually). When I was done and sat back in that protective circle I had made, I cried! It was just a freaking string and I cried. I cannot put into words how comforted and safe I felt at that moment. Amazing how the smallest thing can provide such a powerful sense of security.
the hospital can be a life saver. but sometimes you need to work through the fear of drowning, and let go.
ReplyDelete<3
have a great night
bec xo
Tia the hospital could save your life! And i can totally relate to those things. I got a "high" out of feeling faint or dizzy. But now, i feel amazing. I have this incredible energy that i haven't had in MONTHS. It feels great. And when you choose to recover you will too! Recovery feels amazing. You CAN change. You just have to say no to your eating disorder. It's still controlling you. You can stop before it's too late. I know you can, i believe in you.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you realize these things are not good and not healthy and maybe you do need to go into the hospital for a longer time so that you can allow yourself a full recovery. Please consider it. xoxo
ReplyDelete...i personally HATE to go to the hospital, like: cant u just leave me alone and let me do what i want!...
ReplyDelete...bad habits(esp. ed's) r hard to break, but i hope u can learn to not have a desire to feel weak