Labor Day weekend

I've been slipping into purging more often these past few weeks. It's not even binging and purging, but more just purging normal amounts of food because I "can" and I'm freaking out about gaining weight. I hit a low weight that I hadn't seen in 18 months, and am riding on that high, so it's really hard to give that up right now. I'm still bigger than I want to be, but at least I'm rational enough to realize that I really am okay looking and objectively do not "need" to lose weight. However, there's no denying that I do desperately WANT to.

I've been at my new job for just over 2 months. I am loving the people and the company. I started out working 4 - ten hour days, but now that summer is over I have to juggle being a mom, PTA president, and work, so I am doing 9 hour days and 4 hours on Friday which is a nice compromise.

Posting from the sky

I am writing this from high in the sky, on a plane going to Austin, TX for vacation. It is 2:45am and I cannot sleep. I never can on planes. It's been a busy week: started my new job, Z was at day camp, prepped for this trip. I finished my first week of 4 x 10 hour days and it's not too bad. I am exhausted and have been falling asleep at the same time as Z in his bed. Having Fri off is wonderful, but Z hugged me and said he felt like this week he hardly saw me. Hearing that broke my heart. Why is it such a challenge being a mom and having a career. The hours are 7am-530pm which leaves almost no time in the evening for us to spend together.

Looking forward to this week and hoping I can keep my anxiety in check during the vacation. I'm still taking 25mg Zoloft a day and maybe notice a marginal difference. Less on edge. It's been 3 weeks since I started taking it.

My free 1hr gogo WiFi (thanks to TMobile) is about to run out now lol.

No Work Today

Today has been absolutely a super relaxing Friday! I have ZERO responsibilities today! Z is with his father, so it's pretty much just a free day for me. Yesterday was my last day at my old job. I have today off, then I start a new job on Monday. Technically I am unemployed for ONE day lol. The new job is four 10 hours days with Fridays off. I've never worked a schedule like that before, so I'm hoping I can make it through 10 hours a day. I'm excited about the new job and I think the company is really great though. It is also a great career move. My old position was Accounting & Operations Manager. New role is Financial Controller!

I have been taking 25mg/day Zoloft for 1 week now, for anxiety. It was a really hard decision for me to start taking it. I just have this issue with taking anything daily - even vitamins - because I don't want to become dependent on them. I guess I am so sick of feeling on edge all day, my heart racing, feeling out of control and worrying about when I might have a panic attack. I have not actually had a full blown panic attack (that I know of) but I think I have come really really close, and it is scary. I am worried about the Zoloft causing weight gain, but so far I've actually lost 2 lbs in the last week, so maybe that won't be an issue. I think I might be over-compensating for the possible weight gain side effects by eating even less out of fear though :(

Last day of 4th Grade

The last day of school is always a sad one for me. The closing of another chapter. Thinking about time gone by and time that could have been better spent. Firsts and lasts are big for me, so I always take a ton of pictures!
I just saw Z off on the bus to his last day of 4th grade. I can hardly believe next year he will be a 5th grader. I am so grateful and blessed. Looking back at the struggle we fought (immigration and custody) and the many hurdles we have overcome in order to move to the US, it was a nightmare going through all of that. But now we are on the other side. Z is finishing up his 4th year of school here (Grades 1-4). I just got elected as PTA President for next year. There is so much to look forward to. I just wonder if I can stay healthy enough and keep anxiety at bay enough to enjoy it all.

I have a week left at my current job (counting down the days! The environment has been toxic over the last few months and I don't know a single person there who doesn't want to jump ship). Then the week after, I start at my new job as a Controller for a local manufacturing company. It's a great opportunity and I am really excited for the challenge. My healthcare coverage will end at the end of this month as I currently get it through my job. The new job has a 60 day waiting period, so I won't have coverage for July and August. I haven't figured out what to do yet - I can get COBRA but it is really expensive, like $700/mo for just me. I am cramming in as many doctors appointments and dental appointments as I can to get all caught up before the end of the month.

I have the day off today! I am not working ANY Fridays in June which is wonderful! No big plans today - quick work out at the gym, tidy up the house a little, then go pick up Z from school and get frozen yogurt (last day of school tradition). Then we were invited to a company picnic with my new job this evening! I am nervous about meeting everyone before starting work there, but maybe it will make the transition easier when I start since there won't be as many new faces on the first day.

US Citizenship Day!

Today is the day that I have looked forward to since the day we started our immigration journey back in December 2011! My interview at USCIS / Department of Homeland Security was scheduled at 10:15. This field office is a good 100 miles from our house, plus through rush hour traffic... we left at 7 AM and got there just a little early (9:45 but they wouldn't let me check in til exactly 15 mins before the interview). My husband, son, mom and dad came with me. Sitting in the waiting room was torture. So many people around, anxiety was building and it took all my strength to hold it together. The last thing I wanted was to pass out just before the interview lol. I even ate a granola bar to keep my blood sugar up even though I usually never allow myself to eat anything until after 1pm.

Ugh... they ran late so they only called me at saw me at 10:45. The whole interview only took 30 mins. A really nice Immigration Officer J. Bruce interviewed me. He was friendly and we joked around a little.  He went over every page of my application and asked me to answer pretty much all the questions orally to check my answers against the form. He checked my travel dates outside of the US (you have to have been in the US for more than 50% over the last 3 years). Asked to see passport, DL and green card but none of the other docs I brought. I ACED THE US HISTORY / CIVICS TEST!!! It was my personal goal to get all the questions right. You only need 6 out of 10 correct though. After I passed everything he checked the box on the form that says I am approved for citizenship! The last step left was to go through the oath ceremony (you aren't a citizen yet until you go through that ceremony). I was so glad that they had a same day ceremony at 3:30 so I didn't have to drive down to Seattle again.

The ceremony was 3:30 to 5. It was short and sweet and very well put together. There were 74 immigrants from 37 different countries represented today. They told us that they going to call each country's name and when your country is called, you stand up and remain standing until all the countries are called and everyone is standing. At that point, they would lead us in saying the oath together and then when we sit down again we will all be US Citizens. There were only 2 of us from Canada there today.

I had to turn in my green card before the ceremony as I wouldn't be needing it anymore as a citizen. It was bittersweet surrendering this card. I thought back to the long road we have traveled and the many hoops we jumped through along the way. Back then, 4 years ago when we started this immigration process, the idea of Citizenship was so far away but in reality the time has flown and the day has come to trade this cherished piece of plastic in for something much more permanent!

Finally my journey has come to an end! My wonderful husband got me this gorgeous watch - Rolex 31mm Datejust with Jubilee Bracelet - to celebrate this special day. I love it - a timeless watch for a forever meaningful event.

4 days p-free

It's nice to have gotten through the first week back to school / work after the holidays. The adjustment back to routines - waking up early, sending Z to school, going to work, rushing home and to the next activity (soccer, bball, Awana, etc), homework and bedtime. The days are going by so quickly already in 2016 and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Happy they are not dragging but sad that I don't feel I have a purpose. It's just getting through one day after another.

One pretty big accomplishment so far this year is that I have not purged for the last 4 days. The hardest part about not purging is dealing with the rebound water retention that ALWAYS happens the few days after you stop purging. The body hangs on to water and my weight spikes up a few pounds and takes a few days to return to normal. During that time, it is so hard to wait it out because the number on the scale haunts you throughout the day and you know you can dehydrate yourself again to lower that number by just throwing up. It is such a mind fuck, but now after 4 days I've made it through the toughest part. Now I just have to not screw it up or I will have to go through this all over again.

If I could unlearn ONE thing in my life it would be how to make myself throw up. When I first started down the ED path 16 years ago, I purely restricted and that was so much better. Purer. I didn't know how to purge. I was young and too scared to really try it. Then after starving yourself for years, it seems that the body inevitably craves food to the point that you cave in and you binge... then out of desperation to get rid of it, you somehow bring it all back up. Purging was never easy for me in the beginning. My body hated it and rebelled. I remember the pride I used to feel the first few times I actually threw up. It was such an accomplishment, like this AMAZING skill that I learned.

Now I wish I could unlearn it. Now it is too easy. Now it is too normal. So normal that it is hard not to just do it all the time after every meal, large or small. I suppose that is my new year's resolution - do not purge.

Email from my old T

It has been an incredibly hard past few days. My former therapist who I saw from age 15 to 26 emailed me just before Christmas. She saw an old Christmas card I gave her and wanted to say hi to me and see how things are going. Hearing from her brought up all kinds of emotions. Happy that she remembered me, but then the intense sadness hit me.

As I am slowly (or not so slowly) slipping down the ED path again, she's been on my mind a lot even before she contacted me. I still hear her voice, picture what she would be saying to me if I were still seeing her. I want so much to see her again but it is just impossible. I live in the US now. She is in Canada. It hurts like hell to know that there's no going back. She knew me like no one else. She basically saw me grow from a teenager to an adult and was there through it all. I didn't have to explain things... she just "knew" them because she knew me so well. It's a HUGE loss to say goodbye to that. How can I ever replace her with a new therapist after all I've been through with her.

It feels like that door is slammed shut and I'm out in the cold. Literally, in a new country, new city, no support systems at all and no ties to my old supports. No accountability. I could keep starving, keep purging, nobody would know. Nobody would say anything or try to stop me here and that is scary because I can't be trusted to stop myself.

What I regret the most about therapy is that I was SO STUPID when I made the choice to abruptly stop seeing her in 2010. I had gained some weight after 2 mandatory hospitalizations and I felt disgusting and unworthy of seeing her, so I just stopped going. The ED voice told me that she only cared because I was medically unstable, but deep down I knew it wasn't true and that she did care for me. I just couldn't battle the ED thinking enough at that time. I felt fat and unworthy.

I wish I could go back and change that decision. We still had so much work to be done. Maybe if I had put the work in back then I wouldn't be here now, going down the same destructive path and chasing the same thinness god. I kept relapsing the whole 11 years we worked together. Revolving door of treatment and IP. Up and down, up and down, putting the focus on the symptoms and never getting to the TRUE underlying issues, never fixing the real problem. But that's my fault for always defaulting to starving and using the ED to cope rather than facing the pain and allowing her to help me work through it. I was so stupid. I wasted our time together, and now we are out of time entirely. I have lost her and there's no getting her back.

It hurts so much to regret things that you can't change. I feel so alone.

Losing Streak

I don't remember ever losing weight this easily before... In 6 weeks I have lost close to 20 lbs. It doesn't feel like a lot, but when you look at that number - 20 pounds of weight loss - it does seem significant. Unfortunately it has slowed down now and I have been stuck (plus or minus half a pound) for 4 days.

I don't feel tired or weak or cranky. My body is cooperating for once, but I do worry about the urges to purge more frequently now. I did it 2x this week... no binging just purging after eating "too much" or feeling the food weighing me down. I know it is ridiculous to purge Brussel sprouts, but that was one of the times this week. I have GOT TO keep the purging under control. I can't afford to lose potassium and get super sick, I just can't.

K Levels

Over the weekend my BMI dropped below 18.5. I know that is still nowhere near worrisome weight territory, but it is a milestone of sorts for me in my warped mind.
Went for my annual physical on Friday. BP was low, I have orthostatic hypotension (no surprise there), low blood sugar, and potassium was low, vitamin D is low. On the plus side, cholesterol levels are great! I am slightly freaked about the potassium, mostly because of previous experiences with TERRIBLE muscle cramps in my legs that would come on with zero warning. The thing is, I am not purging these days. I did it once 2 weeks ago (no binge, just purged when I felt I ate too much). I haven't been purging, so how is my Potassium low!? I eat lots of mushrooms, broccoli, things that are potassium rich... I do not take laxatives or diuretics either.

Knowing my extensive ED history, she wants me to come in every 2 weeks and to start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure about the biweekly doctor visits, but I do agree seeing a T would be really useful. I am just overwhelmed with the list of therapists she gave me. How do you even start choosing someone from a list of over 10!!!

Down 9

It has been 3 weeks since I started logging everything I eat on www.caloriecount.com. It started at 1500 cals per day but then became 1200, then 1000, now it is closer to 700. Back to weighing myself daily. Down 9 lbs in 3 weeks. It is hard not to feel elated that I can still "do this". My BMI is a hair over 18.5, which means I am still "normal" so nothing to worry about, right?

It is a little scary how quickly old habits can come back hard. And fast. I don't know where I want to take this.

1) I can either lose a little bit more, just hover under the normal weight range but still be relatively healthy.
2) I can keep pushing hard, keep losing and see how much my body can take, but the thing is I do not want to die. I can't die. I have a son who needs me.
3) Or I can stop now, but this option does not appeal to me. I have been too well acquainted with food restriction and semi-starvation for so many years that THIS is what comfort feels like to me. It feels like coming home.

One thing I know for sure is I do NOT want to get into a b/p cycle. That was an awful low in my life and I will do whatever I can to never go back to purging.

A Downward Spiral?

For once in my life I am torn about losing weight. It used to be a no brainer - lose weight any chance you get - but now I am worried that losing 5 lbs could lead to losing 25 and not being able to stop until I'm right back in the revolving door of hospitalizations. It has been 4 years since I was last hospitalized. People say I am so brave, so strong, such an inspiration for being able to recover. I feel like I have been faking it this whole time. A series of rather exciting events took my focus away from being sick, but now that things have settled down, I'm afraid that the default, the only "way" I know to be is eating disordered.

Recovery timeline:
-A month after I got out of the hospital, I met my future husband. Total coincidence, met at a bank while he was working and I was opening an account. We just clicked. Simple as that. The rest is a whirlwind! I knew I couldn't be actively ED'd if I wanted to have a relationship, so I pushed thoughts of food and weight out of my mind and focused on the relationship.

-6 months later we vacationed in NYC, at which point we knew we never wanted to be apart. Then just 3 months after that we got married (12.1.11) so that we could start the immigration process for him to sponsor me to move to the US from Can. We applied to USCIS immediately for a greencard.

-This whole time, I was already in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. Wanting to move to the US and take my son with me added another layer to the court case. I filed an application to the court to relocate on 2.14.12. I knew my ex and his conniving girlfriend would try to paint me as an unfit mother and use my ED struggles against me, so I had no choice but to "recover" if I wanted any hope of winning the case.

-Due to the Canadian Provincial Court being slow and other setbacks, our case only went before a judge in July 2013. The entire time I maintained a healthy weight. I had to, or else everything would be for nothing. I felt trapped in a body I hated but I guess I stuck with, putting the court case about my body image. It was a really long case. 5 full days in front of a judge, plus written submissions afterwards because we ran out of time. Then waiting, waiting, waiting for a decision.

-Aug 2013 - $30k later and months of waiting, we won the court case and moved to the US! I got a great job, my son who was Grade 1 at the time, settled well into school and extra curriculars. I started making friends in my new community and I was scared to screw it up. PLUS, I didn't have healthcare until 2015, so getting sick would have been a major expense and not a good way to start out after fighting so hard to move in the first place.

Fastforward to the present. Life is generally good. I love our house and our three cats. I've been promoted in my job, in line to become the vice-president of the company (long term plan, not sure how long this will take to come to fruition, but the thought is nice). I am volunteering in my son's extracurriculars, have been the registrar for our soccer association for two years. Life is okay, but I have never been "normal" for this length of time before. Ever since my first hospital stay at 10 years old, a life of doctors, nutritionists, blood work, therapy, is all I have known. Being "normal" and therefore invisible, is starting to eat away at me. This might be clichéed but it's the truth - the ED was (is?) my identity and I feel a degree of loss without it. A hole that needs to be filled. I have always been "too thin". Not always dangerously thin, but THIN was my identity. Every day I feel a stronger pull to get back a little of that identity. Despite all I have gained these last few years, I don't feel brave or courageous for recovering. I feel like it was a mask that is slowly peeling off.

N-400 Citizenship Application

I was so happy to log into online banking today and see that my check for $680 to Department of Homeland Security has cleared! I have never been so thrilled to part with money before. This check was the application fee for my US Citizenship Application! June 30 was my eligibility date for filing and I made sure my application was delivered to USCIS on that very day. This 4th of July is hopefully my last one as an "Alien".

People have scars...

"people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. like secret road
maps of their personal histories. diagrams of all their old wounds.
most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. but some
of them don't. some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the
cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."
-Grey's Anatomy
I cut yesterday. It felt so soothing. Like a reminder of where I have been and reassurance that I can always go back.

I Should...

I should be relieved that my life is settling down.
I should be happy to be off the legal roller coaster that was our battle to relocate to the US.
I should be proud that I have a great job and what looks like the "perfect life" from the outside.
I should be counting my blessings that my husband's biggest fault is that he wants to spend every moment with me to the point of suffocation.
I should be grateful that I am alive today despite all the starving and purging and abuse I put my body through.

I could go on. There are so many "shoulds" in life, yet I don't identify with any of them. I have been so accustomed to drama drama drama that when things start to run smoother, it scares me. I wonder what to do with myself. I fear being "normal". Normal to me is the equivalent of not being special and not standing out. I've always been afraid of blending in and being forgotten. For the majority of my life, I stood out by being the thinnest. The anorexic. The cutter.

Without those things who am I? Why does it scare me so much to be just like everyone else - a mom, a wife, an employee, a normal person. When things start going okay, I find a way to bring them crashing down around me again. I am just becoming conscious of that fact now, but looking back on my life I can see that this same thing has happened to me before. This wouldn't be my first time caught in the cycle.

Whether it be cutting, starving or maybe no I'm exploring something new - this thing with the other guy, A. We went for coffee, we still text. We are still toeing the same line as a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to rip my world apart. I really don't... but there is a void that still needs to be filled in my life. Despite all the therapy I've had and the fact that I've gained the ED weight back (much to my dismay) the underlying problems are still there. Strong as ever.

Old Photos

I made the mistake today of looking at old pictures. Specifically pictures of my last 3 IP hospital stays.

I have been out of IP for 2 years now. Doing OK but lately feeling a strong pull to go back down the ED road. The photos pulled at my heart and my mind. Looking at the girl in the pictures, I am jealous of what she had. Sure, I have happiness now and I fought hard to be free of the ED, but there is still a deep longing in me to go back to those days. To recover the ED Identity that had been the defining factor in me for more than half my life. I'm more familiar with the SICK me than the healthy me.

I don't know how to get those images out of my mind and the compulsion to prove to myself that I can do it (get sick) again.

A Pang of Sadness

I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.

Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.

This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.

Coffee

I went for coffee tonight with the guy I've been chatting with (A). We met at 6:30. DH works every Wednesday until 7pm and I didn't tell him beforehand that I was going out. I planned on telling him before but I chickened out. Instead, I texted him 15 minutes before he got off work to tell him that I ran into A and decided to go for coffee. DH asked if he was invited. I said that I wouldn't be long and that I was planning to leave soon. He seemed OK with that and didn't ask too many questions when I got back (2 hours later).

Conversation was great. The more we talk the more we have in common. This guy is the first person I've connected with since moving to Washington. Lately I have been missing my friends and my old community, especially after visiting them on the weekend. This new friendship helps. There's an unexplained connection between us. I feel like I could talk to him forever. He told me that he thinks my name would go very well his last name. I laughed it off and said that my last name is very fitting for me - If you know my last name, you will know that it is my favorite hobby :)

He texted me as soon as I left and is still texting me now. By text, he is so flirtatious but when we talk in person he is a different person. Tonight he wrote, "I couldn't stop staring tonight. Had to remind myself to look up so I wouldn't stare the WHOLE time." In person he says nothing like that and it seems much more platonic. It makes me think that maybe this is just his nature - to be flirty but not mean anything by it...

I'm so confused. But I do know that I don't want to lose this friendship but it is tricky finding the line between friendship and too friendly.

Just Friends

This quote is perfect for me in so many ways. This push and pull of holding on versus letting go is what I struggle with in so many areas of my life. The excitement of new chapters in my life is offset by the pang of sadness at closing old ones. I will be thirty this year.

On Saturday I kept myself busy visiting my hometown. I tried curling for the first time with my parents and husband. Curling is a lot tougher than it looks! My glutes, triceps, abs and lats are all sore. It was so much fun to do something out of the ordinary. I also took the opportunity to get to meet up with a dear friend and former co-worker. Visiting my hometown made extremely nostalgic. I had forgotten how many ties I had there until this weekend, then the contrast was stark. I fought hard to be able to move to the US with my son, so I am not looking back, but it really hit me how much I gave up along with this move. I just have to keep trusting God that he allowed this move to happen and everything is in His will.

I wish I could say I was strong enough to stop the texting completely and not look back, but that hasn't been the case. Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday we stuck to our agreement that we wouldn't contact each other. Then he texted me yesterday afternoon and I replied. We are still going for coffee this week as planned. I enjoy his personality and friendship and I want to see if we can be just friends. Maybe the couple days of time apart might have put things back into perspective for both of us. I do not want to do something that will hurt my marriage. I am having a hard time steering clear of this guy because I like him. He makes me laugh and I need more friends in this city. As long as we both know the line we will be OK, I believe.

He already told his wife on Friday that he is going for coffee with me. He told her that we met at work and that we are meeting again to discus possible job opportunities. He told me that he plans on introducing me to her sometime and maybe having our whole families hang out sometime. It sounds nice. However, I honestly think it will be a little weird meeting her and hanging out with her knowing some of the things her husband has said to me in the past and some of the intimate things I know about their relationship.

I haven't told my husband yet about us going for coffee. I don't think it will be an issue, but I'm waiting until closer to that to tell him just in case it is. I've already decided that when I tell him, I will tell him the truth. He has met this guy before in the store. Gosh, I'm rambling now. Time for bed.

Pulling Back

I had a talk with the guy I've been texting. We both decided to pull back and not text for the rest of the day. It has been tough not to text him. For the last week, it's been a lot of fun, but I know this is the right thing to do.

The Texting Continues

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I am so blessed to have made such wonderful, supportive and honest friends through my blogging journey. I feel like I can share so much with you - more than I can with real life friends - and can get more honest feedback.

I know it is possible for men and women to have platonic relationships, but it is not easy to navigate. It's especially hard when there is an undeniable element of attraction. I personally know I wouldn't cross that physical line, but the emotional one is less defined. I know that he texts me first thing in the morning and late into the night. We both haven't told our spouses that we are texting each other. I am best friends with one of my exes (not Z's dad) who I dated for 3 years (when I was 19). My husband *hates* that we are friends and refuses to be in the same room as him. At Z's birthday party on the weekend, he actually left and sulked in another room because I invited my ex. This ex was a father figure to Z since birth, as Z's dad wasn't around much.

I know that my husband is easily jealous, however, up until this point I haven't given him a reason to be. I'm afraid of the fall-out if he knew that I was texting this guy, even just as a friend. I had to go to the store he works at yesterday to get something for work. I tried to go late in the evening, thinking he might be gone for the day. I have been so confused about what's going on, I really didn't want to face him and add to that. Well, he was there and he saw me. We started talking and I ended up spending half an hour there.

As soon as I left he wrote, "You looked absolutely gorgeous! That dress looked soooo good on you. You are smoking hot! I couldn't stop staring. Thad dress hugged your body and damn... wow!".

Is it possible to innocently flirt with a guy and stay friends without crossing that next line? Maybe it is... I'm undecided. He has talked about our kids playing together (his daughter is 3) and me meeting his wife and our families hanging out. His texts are definitely not G-Rated, but yet we've talked about our families all hanging out together. It's like two conflicting realities.

The texting is fun and addictive and a great distraction during my day. My husband has been sick with the flu for the past couple of days, so he's been pretty out of it and really cranky.