Last day of 4th Grade

The last day of school is always a sad one for me. The closing of another chapter. Thinking about time gone by and time that could have been better spent. Firsts and lasts are big for me, so I always take a ton of pictures!
I just saw Z off on the bus to his last day of 4th grade. I can hardly believe next year he will be a 5th grader. I am so grateful and blessed. Looking back at the struggle we fought (immigration and custody) and the many hurdles we have overcome in order to move to the US, it was a nightmare going through all of that. But now we are on the other side. Z is finishing up his 4th year of school here (Grades 1-4). I just got elected as PTA President for next year. There is so much to look forward to. I just wonder if I can stay healthy enough and keep anxiety at bay enough to enjoy it all.

I have a week left at my current job (counting down the days! The environment has been toxic over the last few months and I don't know a single person there who doesn't want to jump ship). Then the week after, I start at my new job as a Controller for a local manufacturing company. It's a great opportunity and I am really excited for the challenge. My healthcare coverage will end at the end of this month as I currently get it through my job. The new job has a 60 day waiting period, so I won't have coverage for July and August. I haven't figured out what to do yet - I can get COBRA but it is really expensive, like $700/mo for just me. I am cramming in as many doctors appointments and dental appointments as I can to get all caught up before the end of the month.

I have the day off today! I am not working ANY Fridays in June which is wonderful! No big plans today - quick work out at the gym, tidy up the house a little, then go pick up Z from school and get frozen yogurt (last day of school tradition). Then we were invited to a company picnic with my new job this evening! I am nervous about meeting everyone before starting work there, but maybe it will make the transition easier when I start since there won't be as many new faces on the first day.

First Day of First Grade

Z started school today at his new school! He is a very confident kid and usually runs into new situations with abandon, but today he was a bit nervous. Understandably of course. He is in a new country, new school, new home... I was so glad I could be there for him and walk him in and get him settled. I have never had that luxury because I have always worked full time, but for the next couple weeks of transition time I will be able to be there for him and it will be wonderful for both of us! When I picked him up after school, he saw me outside the class and mouthed the words "I had a good day!" with a huge grin and a thumbs up sign. Oh, baby boy, you are so adorable. My heart is so relieved that he is liking his new school.

Z's first soccer class

Today is my son's very first soccer class! It's at our local community centre for boys aged 3-5. Zach doesn't turn 3 until February 24th but I managed to get special permission for him to join. I guess that's ONE of the perks of working for the city :)

I hope he does OK, I mean, there will probably be a huge difference between his abilities and a 4 or 5 year old's abilities. I just don't want him to get discouraged. Oh gosh, listen to me, I sound like a concerned momma-hen, don't I? Hmm… that's one side of me that doesn't show itself very often. I try not to think about the terrible parent I am or rather, the terrible parent the ED causes me to be. I never have enough energy or patience to meet all of his demands. I often find myself counting down the hours until bedtime so that I can get a little rest myself. I hate myself for thinking like this. I just want him to know that I love him, even though sometimes I stare off into space or zone out or get upset a little too quickly because I'm irritable from low blood sugar.

I often wonder why I was made to be a parent. Why did God give me a child? There are so many people out there who desperately want children, who would be the most loving and patient parents and who would be there for their child in a way that I am not there for Zach. Where I fail, these others would succeed, but they are never given the chance. I don't want to mess up his life the way I've messed up my own. Looking at his face and into his dark, shimmery, trusting eyes should be enough to make me give all this crap up, but I can't. I'm trapped. He is too precious for me to fail him. I will never get these moments back, these tender moments where *I am his world*. Yet here I am, letting them slip away while I stare in a fog trying to drag my brain and body through the day. If I fail at my own life, that's OK… but if I fail Zachary, I will never be able to forgive myself.