A Downward Spiral?

For once in my life I am torn about losing weight. It used to be a no brainer - lose weight any chance you get - but now I am worried that losing 5 lbs could lead to losing 25 and not being able to stop until I'm right back in the revolving door of hospitalizations. It has been 4 years since I was last hospitalized. People say I am so brave, so strong, such an inspiration for being able to recover. I feel like I have been faking it this whole time. A series of rather exciting events took my focus away from being sick, but now that things have settled down, I'm afraid that the default, the only "way" I know to be is eating disordered.

Recovery timeline:
-A month after I got out of the hospital, I met my future husband. Total coincidence, met at a bank while he was working and I was opening an account. We just clicked. Simple as that. The rest is a whirlwind! I knew I couldn't be actively ED'd if I wanted to have a relationship, so I pushed thoughts of food and weight out of my mind and focused on the relationship.

-6 months later we vacationed in NYC, at which point we knew we never wanted to be apart. Then just 3 months after that we got married (12.1.11) so that we could start the immigration process for him to sponsor me to move to the US from Can. We applied to USCIS immediately for a greencard.

-This whole time, I was already in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. Wanting to move to the US and take my son with me added another layer to the court case. I filed an application to the court to relocate on 2.14.12. I knew my ex and his conniving girlfriend would try to paint me as an unfit mother and use my ED struggles against me, so I had no choice but to "recover" if I wanted any hope of winning the case.

-Due to the Canadian Provincial Court being slow and other setbacks, our case only went before a judge in July 2013. The entire time I maintained a healthy weight. I had to, or else everything would be for nothing. I felt trapped in a body I hated but I guess I stuck with, putting the court case about my body image. It was a really long case. 5 full days in front of a judge, plus written submissions afterwards because we ran out of time. Then waiting, waiting, waiting for a decision.

-Aug 2013 - $30k later and months of waiting, we won the court case and moved to the US! I got a great job, my son who was Grade 1 at the time, settled well into school and extra curriculars. I started making friends in my new community and I was scared to screw it up. PLUS, I didn't have healthcare until 2015, so getting sick would have been a major expense and not a good way to start out after fighting so hard to move in the first place.

Fastforward to the present. Life is generally good. I love our house and our three cats. I've been promoted in my job, in line to become the vice-president of the company (long term plan, not sure how long this will take to come to fruition, but the thought is nice). I am volunteering in my son's extracurriculars, have been the registrar for our soccer association for two years. Life is okay, but I have never been "normal" for this length of time before. Ever since my first hospital stay at 10 years old, a life of doctors, nutritionists, blood work, therapy, is all I have known. Being "normal" and therefore invisible, is starting to eat away at me. This might be clichéed but it's the truth - the ED was (is?) my identity and I feel a degree of loss without it. A hole that needs to be filled. I have always been "too thin". Not always dangerously thin, but THIN was my identity. Every day I feel a stronger pull to get back a little of that identity. Despite all I have gained these last few years, I don't feel brave or courageous for recovering. I feel like it was a mask that is slowly peeling off.

N-400 Citizenship Application

I was so happy to log into online banking today and see that my check for $680 to Department of Homeland Security has cleared! I have never been so thrilled to part with money before. This check was the application fee for my US Citizenship Application! June 30 was my eligibility date for filing and I made sure my application was delivered to USCIS on that very day. This 4th of July is hopefully my last one as an "Alien".

People have scars...

"people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. like secret road
maps of their personal histories. diagrams of all their old wounds.
most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. but some
of them don't. some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the
cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."
-Grey's Anatomy
I cut yesterday. It felt so soothing. Like a reminder of where I have been and reassurance that I can always go back.

I Should...

I should be relieved that my life is settling down.
I should be happy to be off the legal roller coaster that was our battle to relocate to the US.
I should be proud that I have a great job and what looks like the "perfect life" from the outside.
I should be counting my blessings that my husband's biggest fault is that he wants to spend every moment with me to the point of suffocation.
I should be grateful that I am alive today despite all the starving and purging and abuse I put my body through.

I could go on. There are so many "shoulds" in life, yet I don't identify with any of them. I have been so accustomed to drama drama drama that when things start to run smoother, it scares me. I wonder what to do with myself. I fear being "normal". Normal to me is the equivalent of not being special and not standing out. I've always been afraid of blending in and being forgotten. For the majority of my life, I stood out by being the thinnest. The anorexic. The cutter.

Without those things who am I? Why does it scare me so much to be just like everyone else - a mom, a wife, an employee, a normal person. When things start going okay, I find a way to bring them crashing down around me again. I am just becoming conscious of that fact now, but looking back on my life I can see that this same thing has happened to me before. This wouldn't be my first time caught in the cycle.

Whether it be cutting, starving or maybe no I'm exploring something new - this thing with the other guy, A. We went for coffee, we still text. We are still toeing the same line as a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to rip my world apart. I really don't... but there is a void that still needs to be filled in my life. Despite all the therapy I've had and the fact that I've gained the ED weight back (much to my dismay) the underlying problems are still there. Strong as ever.

Old Photos

I made the mistake today of looking at old pictures. Specifically pictures of my last 3 IP hospital stays.

I have been out of IP for 2 years now. Doing OK but lately feeling a strong pull to go back down the ED road. The photos pulled at my heart and my mind. Looking at the girl in the pictures, I am jealous of what she had. Sure, I have happiness now and I fought hard to be free of the ED, but there is still a deep longing in me to go back to those days. To recover the ED Identity that had been the defining factor in me for more than half my life. I'm more familiar with the SICK me than the healthy me.

I don't know how to get those images out of my mind and the compulsion to prove to myself that I can do it (get sick) again.

A Pang of Sadness

I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.

Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.

This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.

Coffee

I went for coffee tonight with the guy I've been chatting with (A). We met at 6:30. DH works every Wednesday until 7pm and I didn't tell him beforehand that I was going out. I planned on telling him before but I chickened out. Instead, I texted him 15 minutes before he got off work to tell him that I ran into A and decided to go for coffee. DH asked if he was invited. I said that I wouldn't be long and that I was planning to leave soon. He seemed OK with that and didn't ask too many questions when I got back (2 hours later).

Conversation was great. The more we talk the more we have in common. This guy is the first person I've connected with since moving to Washington. Lately I have been missing my friends and my old community, especially after visiting them on the weekend. This new friendship helps. There's an unexplained connection between us. I feel like I could talk to him forever. He told me that he thinks my name would go very well his last name. I laughed it off and said that my last name is very fitting for me - If you know my last name, you will know that it is my favorite hobby :)

He texted me as soon as I left and is still texting me now. By text, he is so flirtatious but when we talk in person he is a different person. Tonight he wrote, "I couldn't stop staring tonight. Had to remind myself to look up so I wouldn't stare the WHOLE time." In person he says nothing like that and it seems much more platonic. It makes me think that maybe this is just his nature - to be flirty but not mean anything by it...

I'm so confused. But I do know that I don't want to lose this friendship but it is tricky finding the line between friendship and too friendly.

Just Friends

This quote is perfect for me in so many ways. This push and pull of holding on versus letting go is what I struggle with in so many areas of my life. The excitement of new chapters in my life is offset by the pang of sadness at closing old ones. I will be thirty this year.

On Saturday I kept myself busy visiting my hometown. I tried curling for the first time with my parents and husband. Curling is a lot tougher than it looks! My glutes, triceps, abs and lats are all sore. It was so much fun to do something out of the ordinary. I also took the opportunity to get to meet up with a dear friend and former co-worker. Visiting my hometown made extremely nostalgic. I had forgotten how many ties I had there until this weekend, then the contrast was stark. I fought hard to be able to move to the US with my son, so I am not looking back, but it really hit me how much I gave up along with this move. I just have to keep trusting God that he allowed this move to happen and everything is in His will.

I wish I could say I was strong enough to stop the texting completely and not look back, but that hasn't been the case. Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday we stuck to our agreement that we wouldn't contact each other. Then he texted me yesterday afternoon and I replied. We are still going for coffee this week as planned. I enjoy his personality and friendship and I want to see if we can be just friends. Maybe the couple days of time apart might have put things back into perspective for both of us. I do not want to do something that will hurt my marriage. I am having a hard time steering clear of this guy because I like him. He makes me laugh and I need more friends in this city. As long as we both know the line we will be OK, I believe.

He already told his wife on Friday that he is going for coffee with me. He told her that we met at work and that we are meeting again to discus possible job opportunities. He told me that he plans on introducing me to her sometime and maybe having our whole families hang out sometime. It sounds nice. However, I honestly think it will be a little weird meeting her and hanging out with her knowing some of the things her husband has said to me in the past and some of the intimate things I know about their relationship.

I haven't told my husband yet about us going for coffee. I don't think it will be an issue, but I'm waiting until closer to that to tell him just in case it is. I've already decided that when I tell him, I will tell him the truth. He has met this guy before in the store. Gosh, I'm rambling now. Time for bed.

Pulling Back

I had a talk with the guy I've been texting. We both decided to pull back and not text for the rest of the day. It has been tough not to text him. For the last week, it's been a lot of fun, but I know this is the right thing to do.

The Texting Continues

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. I am so blessed to have made such wonderful, supportive and honest friends through my blogging journey. I feel like I can share so much with you - more than I can with real life friends - and can get more honest feedback.

I know it is possible for men and women to have platonic relationships, but it is not easy to navigate. It's especially hard when there is an undeniable element of attraction. I personally know I wouldn't cross that physical line, but the emotional one is less defined. I know that he texts me first thing in the morning and late into the night. We both haven't told our spouses that we are texting each other. I am best friends with one of my exes (not Z's dad) who I dated for 3 years (when I was 19). My husband *hates* that we are friends and refuses to be in the same room as him. At Z's birthday party on the weekend, he actually left and sulked in another room because I invited my ex. This ex was a father figure to Z since birth, as Z's dad wasn't around much.

I know that my husband is easily jealous, however, up until this point I haven't given him a reason to be. I'm afraid of the fall-out if he knew that I was texting this guy, even just as a friend. I had to go to the store he works at yesterday to get something for work. I tried to go late in the evening, thinking he might be gone for the day. I have been so confused about what's going on, I really didn't want to face him and add to that. Well, he was there and he saw me. We started talking and I ended up spending half an hour there.

As soon as I left he wrote, "You looked absolutely gorgeous! That dress looked soooo good on you. You are smoking hot! I couldn't stop staring. Thad dress hugged your body and damn... wow!".

Is it possible to innocently flirt with a guy and stay friends without crossing that next line? Maybe it is... I'm undecided. He has talked about our kids playing together (his daughter is 3) and me meeting his wife and our families hanging out. His texts are definitely not G-Rated, but yet we've talked about our families all hanging out together. It's like two conflicting realities.

The texting is fun and addictive and a great distraction during my day. My husband has been sick with the flu for the past couple of days, so he's been pretty out of it and really cranky.