I am a happily married woman. My husband is so loving and caring and there's absolutely nothing I can fault him for. That is why this confuses me so much. Please don't be too harsh on me... nothing has happened, but I feel like I'm playing with fire.
Beginning in October - I started shopping at a certain store regularly for business and personal stuff.
December - I bought a tablet for my son for Christmas and as helped by the store manager (A). I chatted with this manager briefly while making this purchase (my husband was in the store with me).
January - I went back into the store. The same guy, "A", was working. He caught me off guard by approaching me and asking about my previous purchase. I was surprised he remembered me. We talked a little bit more.
February - I went into the store again a couple weeks ago to get a new laptop. He gave me an AMAZING deal (I felt like I was stealing, it was such a good price) then added me to LinkedIn a couple days later and asked how the laptop was working out. We had been messaging each other every day after that. He is married too. We talked about our kids, our spouses, small-talk kinda stuff. My son lost his tablet (stolen from the car) and I was going to get him another one for his birthday, so I messaged him asking what he had in stock and what pricing he could give me. He offered me another amazing deal, so I planned to go in and pick it up.
The turning point was when I went in (4 days ago) to pick it up. We ended up talking for over an hour and found out how much we have in common. When I got home I found a LinkedIn message from him. He told me how much he enjoyed our conversation and asked if we could do it again. He gave me his phone number to text him. I texted him. I don't know why. I guess I thought it was still innocent. Since then, we have been texting every day. Not just one or two texts. A LOT of texts. The more we talk the more of a connection I feel with him. I know it's reciprocal.
Here are some of the things he's written:
"I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason... meeting you was for a reason."
"You can get a hold of me night and day ;) I told you, once I get your number, watch out! :)"
"It's so rare where someone like you comes along... like once in a lifetime."
"I don't want to scare you, but you are an example of a truly beautiful woman"
So far all of our face to face conversations have been at the store. He asked me out to dinner in a couple of weeks. I said yes. <--This is still in the realm of OK, right? My intentions are not to cheat... it's just dinner, right?
WTF am I doing? We are both married and we both talk about our families. (He has a 3 year old daughter). Is there any way that this is OK? I am new to this city. He is a great guy who I really enjoy talking to. Why does this feel wrong when I haven't done anything wrong?
Is this something you have shared with your husband? If not, is it something you think he would be okay with? How would you feel if he had this kind of relationship with another woman?
ReplyDeleteI've been in your shoes before, but my marriage wasn't good. I honestly do think this is playing with fire and you should walk away or start involving your husband in your outings. Maybe you all can go on double dates?
I really think that you need to reconsider what you are doing here. This cannot end well and will inevitably hurt both your husband and yourself. I get it, I mean *totally* get it, how this man paying attention to you makes you feel so good and you don't want to let it stop. As kitty says above, hiding it from your husband is the most damaging aspect. Your husband truly loves you and wants to be there for you, and this is something that you should not take for granted. I really suggest that you talk with a therapist about this situation - maybe there is something that you are not getting from your husband? Are all of your needs filled? The magical moments at the beginning of a relationship inevitably fade, and that's when the hard work of being in a relationship begins. It's up to you whether you wish to keep seeking the 'high' of first lust, or whether you are ready to allow true intimacy and show yourself fully to your husband. I wish to be kind to you and hope that this does not come across as harsh. The strength is within you, and you've shown great courage to overcome things over the years.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like you have to hide it from your spouse, that means you feel that you are doing something wrong. Emotional relationships outside of your marriage are far more damaging than a physical one would be, as strange as that sounds. T, I understand the pull, but don't do this to your husband. If your marriage is bad and you don't want to be with him anymore, you owe it to him to be honest. If you want your marriage to work, then you need to stop talking to this guy as soon as possible.
ReplyDeleteKent's situation started out just like that - innocent friend stuff at work, then talking about personal lives... until it went too far and he ended up completely destroying our marriage and our family. Be very careful. Every step outside your marriage is a potentially devastating one. xoxo
First off, since it's been a while, I want to say congrats on the job and how great everything in your life has been going since last fall :) I am sososooo happy for you.
ReplyDeleteAs for with this guy... not knowing him and how exactly all of this is going down, I think it could be ok as long as your husband is ok with it. For example, like the first comment says, you could tell him about how friendly this guy has been and how you both have young kids etc. and maybe the double date thing could work. But, I also have to caution that if this guy has done anything at all to make you think he might be interested in you as something more than just friends, then it is definitely time to step away. From the texts... I guess I have met guys who could get away with saying you're a "truly beautiful woman" because coming from them it would mean personality-wise. If this guy falls into that boat then, sure, why not involve your husband and become friends as a group. If he doesn't, and most guys I've met don't, then I wouldn't take this any further because it won't end well. I would probably either back out of the dinner completely (not probably, but definitely if he seems interested in you outside of friends) or ask your husband... and maybe ask him if when he asked you to dinner, did he mean it as a group thing, because you'd love to meet his wife too. And that's the other thing, if you don't find yourself wanting to meet and get to know his wife, probably best to end it now.
Like you said, talking to someone is alright, but if you're having to hide it, then it's best to put a stop to it before it turns into anything that is no longer alright -- which could very well be outside the realm of your control if you let it continue.
I hope I didn't sound too mean... because I really don't know what's going on here as well as you do!! I have several good guy friends and my husband was able to become friends with them too... but I think he was also kind of confused at first... I've just always been one of those girls who was 'one of the guys' growing up so it's difficult to avoid making friends with guys too. Hope things work out well for you too!
xoxo
I know you feel like you have a connection with this person, but in reality you barely know him. He is just some guy with whom you get along. And by talking to this guy you barely know in the way you have you risk ruining your marriage with your husband on who you know on a much deeper level. This person is trying to start an affair with you. He is not interested in friendship. Friends don't say things like the above to each other. He is trying to hook you in. I think you really need to ask yourself why what he is saying is so appealing. This guy is obviously filling a void in your life in some way, but he is the wrong thing to fill that void with. Find out what the void is and find a healthy way to fill it. This guy will be toxic to your life, IMHO. It's only so long before your hubby sees the texts or something... end it now... delete the texts... tell him he needs to stop texting you in that way and a line has been crossed. I am not sure if you can maintain a friendship with this guy in light of how inappropriate he is being but if there is any hope of friendship with him you need to be more honest with your hubby first and get his opinion and then also tell this guy in no uncertain terms where the line is. If it were me, I would not want to be friends with someone who would betray his wife in that way with me... his texts are a betrayal of her. I prefer friends who are honest and trustworthy.
ReplyDelete