Looking for Myself

I cannot write. Physically cannot write. I've tried at least 3 times to hold a pen and journal but my hands shake and cannot grip properly. There's so much going on in me, thoughts bouncing around like electrons that I can't keep under control. I so need to write but my body is not cooperating, so I'm here again, hammering out my thoughts. This is a super long rambly entry... I don't mind if you don't make it thru the whole thing :)

I look out the window. It's a nice September day. They say it's warm outside but I don't believe them. There's a nice soft light shining in and if I listen out the window I can hear the bustle of people and cars. It's Friday evening so the buzz of excitement with the upcoming weekend is hovering in the air. I'm stuck in a hospital, living by proxy. The ironic thing is, I've always wanted to live in downtown Vancouver in the middle of all the activity and excitement. Well, now I'm technically "living downtown" - just not the way I had pictured it.

I'm not young anymore. I used to always see ED's as teenage disorders. I never expected to still be in this midset at age 25. I am now closer to 30 than to 20. I thought I would outgrow it. I thought that somehow the mental demons would go away when I hit 20. Then at 20 I thought I'd be all recovered at 25. Now I'm 25 and I don't see this disorder going anywhere anytime soon. In fact, I feel like I'm even more entrenched than before and I'm clinging harder to this more than ever. The older I get, the more alone I feel and therefore the more I hang onto the only thing that hasn't let me down.

This time of year has always been hard for me. back to school, fall, thanksgiving, holidays, etc. I will be out of the hospital probably the Thursday before thanksgiving (Canadian thanksgiving). Just in time to make the cheesecake and holiday cookies for the occasion. Just in time to be faced with all that food. REALLY BAD TIMING. Huge b/p triggers... I don't think the timing could be worse in fact! Anyways, 2009 is coming to a close rapidly and I've done nothing with myself this year except for bring myself closer to death. God, this IP admission is giving me way too much time to think. "An idle mind is the devil's playground". So fucking true. My brain has been going to very dark places.

There are 7 other girls in here with me. Everyone kinda keeps to themselves but I feel especially isolated because I don't go to mealtimes or snacktimes with them. Being fed 100% through the tube means that I don't eat meals/snacks so I haven't gotten to know anybody yet. I want to talk to them, I want to find out their stories and get support/give support but reaching out is tough. I'm the "new girl" and I definitely feel their eyes on me as mine are on them, sussing out the competition, unsure what to think of the other person. Part of me wants to get off tube feeds so I can socialize with them and not have this pole with me 24/7 but the other part finds great solace in the fact that I don't have to physically feed myself, as in put food into my mouth. I derive comfort knowing that I can just lie here passively and get the nutrients that I need. I don't need to sit at a table and deal with all the "mealtime guidelines". It's less anxiety provoking, which doesn't make sense to me because I know I'm getting X number of calories whether it's orally or thru a tube... but the tube is a million times easier than eating.

Here's a quote that struck a chord with me:
"You spend your whole life looking for the adult that you are. then you spend the rest of your life looking for the child that you were." - Trailer Trash by Brand New