I am so frustrated with not knowing what's going on with my discharge date. I need to have a goal to work towards, not some indefinite time frame that leaves me hanging. Some nurses say I have to gain up to a BMI of 18 and others say 16. Then some nurses say I can be decertified when I am medically stable, regardless of what BMI that is at. I just need to know what they want or what hoops to jump through. I talked to the psychiatrist who is managing my case and she said that the main reason they had to certify me was because I could not and still cannot see how sick I am and the severity of my illness. They truly believed that death was imminent without this hospital admission and that's why they tubed me so quickly because they didn't want to waste any valuable refeeding time. I still have the tube in, still no solid food, but tomorrow I am going to try going off the tube and eating at the table with the 7 other girls.
Personally, I wish I could stay on the tube but in order to get out I need to prove that I am not a risk to myself. If I'm still on a tube, that shows them that when they discharge me I will still be incapable of feeding myself therefore I am still a risk and I will end up right back here and therefore they won't discharge me. It's really scary and a HUGE challenge for myself but tomorrow all my meals will be at the table. The dietician has decided to still leave the tube in (but not hooked up to anything) just in case I need to supplement, but we'll give it a shot. I am doing this 100% for THEM not for ME, but there's a little part in me that says, if you have to eat X number of calories, you might as well eat the food and enjoy it rather than passively letting it drip into you without getting to taste it. I'm trying so hard to see the positive side to all this. Trying to shut an eye to the inevitable weight gain for the moment. Like everyone says, "fake it to make it out". I also need to convince them that I can see that there is a problem and that I am taking steps to fix it. Sort of how criminals need to show remorse to get parole...
I wish I could believe that I was truly medically compromised the way they say I was. I don't see myself as the sick person the doctors seem to all see, but it is scary when they tell me that I was at death's door. I never intended to come *that* close to dying. I didn't feel like I was dying! That's the scary part, to not even know it when you're at that point.
I should have known nothing good could come from diluting my tube feeds and draining it into a cup. The 'team' has moved me from a private room to a semi-private room right across from the nursing station so they can keep a better eye on me.
I hope you can get a straight answer as to what it will take before you are able to be discharged. A BMI of 16 is still really low. That's when I when into IP. I left at a BMI of around 19 (90% IBW) I had to be at a higher %IBW because I wasn't doing any sort of step down program. IF you were doing step down, you left at an 85% IBW.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear you are going to try to eat at the table tomorrow. That's a huge step. I know you say it's not for you, but I'm still proud you're doing it.
I'm so sad you can't see how close to death you were/are/will be if you don't turn things around. Don't just fake it to get out. You'll be right back in before you know it.
I agree with the above -- don't just fake it. At least don't fake it all. I was only IP once, and it wasn't for ED, but I completely faked it, got out, and got absolutely nothing from it... except some memories I'd rather not have, I suppose. The IP and outpatient thing following it, which went on for months, I hate to say were not really what changed anything for me. I may have only really improved years later when I "recovered" (we'll use that term lightly since everyone sees it differently) from my ED. The last time I went through going to doctors and counseling and group therapy and the 12-step program was the one and only time that I really didn't just fake it. It was also the only time that really worked. I think that if you aren't ready now, that's fine, sometimes it takes several or many tries and it's hard not to fake it until you get to the point where you are ready, but try to take something with you from this. Maybe things will improve once you get to know some of the other girls?? I don't know how that will go, I'm quite sure I agree with you that it will be hard and I wouldn't look forward to it either, but you never know. I find that the people with EDs who I got along with the best were the old ladies (they scare you and you don't ever feel any need to compete) or once I had a friend who clearly had an ED but we never talked about it, ever. We both knew about each other, but we never talked about that and we got along great and somehow supported each other through talking about things in general. Maybe, you can get to know some of the other girls that way? Just don't even bring it up. It sounds just awful to be stuck there, but at the same time I'm happy that you're safe and they will take care of you. I hope that going to meal time will help take the loneliness out of your day if nothing else. I think I'd be thankful to sleep... it always helped when you didn't want to think about food/eating/fat/whatever else :)
ReplyDeleteTake care Tianne and stay strong xoxo ... I will try to send you my address too and if you can't write or have a long list of people to write to, that's fine, but if you reply back with your address I'll write to you.