It has been an incredibly hard past few days. My former therapist who I saw from age 15 to 26 emailed me just before Christmas. She saw an old Christmas card I gave her and wanted to say hi to me and see how things are going. Hearing from her brought up all kinds of emotions. Happy that she remembered me, but then the intense sadness hit me.
As I am slowly (or not so slowly) slipping down the ED path again, she's been on my mind a lot even before she contacted me. I still hear her voice, picture what she would be saying to me if I were still seeing her. I want so much to see her again but it is just impossible. I live in the US now. She is in Canada. It hurts like hell to know that there's no going back. She knew me like no one else. She basically saw me grow from a teenager to an adult and was there through it all. I didn't have to explain things... she just "knew" them because she knew me so well. It's a HUGE loss to say goodbye to that. How can I ever replace her with a new therapist after all I've been through with her.
It feels like that door is slammed shut and I'm out in the cold. Literally, in a new country, new city, no support systems at all and no ties to my old supports. No accountability. I could keep starving, keep purging, nobody would know. Nobody would say anything or try to stop me here and that is scary because I can't be trusted to stop myself.
What I regret the most about therapy is that I was SO STUPID when I made the choice to abruptly stop seeing her in 2010. I had gained some weight after 2 mandatory hospitalizations and I felt disgusting and unworthy of seeing her, so I just stopped going. The ED voice told me that she only cared because I was medically unstable, but deep down I knew it wasn't true and that she did care for me. I just couldn't battle the ED thinking enough at that time. I felt fat and unworthy.
I wish I could go back and change that decision. We still had so much work to be done. Maybe if I had put the work in back then I wouldn't be here now, going down the same destructive path and chasing the same thinness god. I kept relapsing the whole 11 years we worked together. Revolving door of treatment and IP. Up and down, up and down, putting the focus on the symptoms and never getting to the TRUE underlying issues, never fixing the real problem. But that's my fault for always defaulting to starving and using the ED to cope rather than facing the pain and allowing her to help me work through it. I was so stupid. I wasted our time together, and now we are out of time entirely. I have lost her and there's no getting her back.
It hurts so much to regret things that you can't change. I feel so alone.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Losing Streak
I don't remember ever losing weight this easily before... In 6 weeks I have lost close to 20 lbs. It doesn't feel like a lot, but when you look at that number - 20 pounds of weight loss - it does seem significant. Unfortunately it has slowed down now and I have been stuck (plus or minus half a pound) for 4 days.
I don't feel tired or weak or cranky. My body is cooperating for once, but I do worry about the urges to purge more frequently now. I did it 2x this week... no binging just purging after eating "too much" or feeling the food weighing me down. I know it is ridiculous to purge Brussel sprouts, but that was one of the times this week. I have GOT TO keep the purging under control. I can't afford to lose potassium and get super sick, I just can't.
I don't feel tired or weak or cranky. My body is cooperating for once, but I do worry about the urges to purge more frequently now. I did it 2x this week... no binging just purging after eating "too much" or feeling the food weighing me down. I know it is ridiculous to purge Brussel sprouts, but that was one of the times this week. I have GOT TO keep the purging under control. I can't afford to lose potassium and get super sick, I just can't.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
K Levels
Over the weekend my BMI dropped below 18.5. I know that is still nowhere near worrisome weight territory, but it is a milestone of sorts for me in my warped mind.
Went for my annual physical on Friday. BP was low, I have orthostatic hypotension (no surprise there), low blood sugar, and potassium was low, vitamin D is low. On the plus side, cholesterol levels are great! I am slightly freaked about the potassium, mostly because of previous experiences with TERRIBLE muscle cramps in my legs that would come on with zero warning. The thing is, I am not purging these days. I did it once 2 weeks ago (no binge, just purged when I felt I ate too much). I haven't been purging, so how is my Potassium low!? I eat lots of mushrooms, broccoli, things that are potassium rich... I do not take laxatives or diuretics either.
Knowing my extensive ED history, she wants me to come in every 2 weeks and to start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure about the biweekly doctor visits, but I do agree seeing a T would be really useful. I am just overwhelmed with the list of therapists she gave me. How do you even start choosing someone from a list of over 10!!!
Went for my annual physical on Friday. BP was low, I have orthostatic hypotension (no surprise there), low blood sugar, and potassium was low, vitamin D is low. On the plus side, cholesterol levels are great! I am slightly freaked about the potassium, mostly because of previous experiences with TERRIBLE muscle cramps in my legs that would come on with zero warning. The thing is, I am not purging these days. I did it once 2 weeks ago (no binge, just purged when I felt I ate too much). I haven't been purging, so how is my Potassium low!? I eat lots of mushrooms, broccoli, things that are potassium rich... I do not take laxatives or diuretics either.
Knowing my extensive ED history, she wants me to come in every 2 weeks and to start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure about the biweekly doctor visits, but I do agree seeing a T would be really useful. I am just overwhelmed with the list of therapists she gave me. How do you even start choosing someone from a list of over 10!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Down 9
It has been 3 weeks since I started logging everything I eat on www.caloriecount.com. It started at 1500 cals per day but then became 1200, then 1000, now it is closer to 700. Back to weighing myself daily. Down 9 lbs in 3 weeks. It is hard not to feel elated that I can still "do this". My BMI is a hair over 18.5, which means I am still "normal" so nothing to worry about, right?
It is a little scary how quickly old habits can come back hard. And fast. I don't know where I want to take this.
1) I can either lose a little bit more, just hover under the normal weight range but still be relatively healthy.
2) I can keep pushing hard, keep losing and see how much my body can take, but the thing is I do not want to die. I can't die. I have a son who needs me.
3) Or I can stop now, but this option does not appeal to me. I have been too well acquainted with food restriction and semi-starvation for so many years that THIS is what comfort feels like to me. It feels like coming home.
One thing I know for sure is I do NOT want to get into a b/p cycle. That was an awful low in my life and I will do whatever I can to never go back to purging.
It is a little scary how quickly old habits can come back hard. And fast. I don't know where I want to take this.
1) I can either lose a little bit more, just hover under the normal weight range but still be relatively healthy.
2) I can keep pushing hard, keep losing and see how much my body can take, but the thing is I do not want to die. I can't die. I have a son who needs me.
3) Or I can stop now, but this option does not appeal to me. I have been too well acquainted with food restriction and semi-starvation for so many years that THIS is what comfort feels like to me. It feels like coming home.
One thing I know for sure is I do NOT want to get into a b/p cycle. That was an awful low in my life and I will do whatever I can to never go back to purging.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
A Downward Spiral?
For once in my life I am torn about losing weight. It used to be a no brainer - lose weight any chance you get - but now I am worried that losing 5 lbs could lead to losing 25 and not being able to stop until I'm right back in the revolving door of hospitalizations. It has been 4 years since I was last hospitalized. People say I am so brave, so strong, such an inspiration for being able to recover. I feel like I have been faking it this whole time. A series of rather exciting events took my focus away from being sick, but now that things have settled down, I'm afraid that the default, the only "way" I know to be is eating disordered.
Recovery timeline:
-A month after I got out of the hospital, I met my future husband. Total coincidence, met at a bank while he was working and I was opening an account. We just clicked. Simple as that. The rest is a whirlwind! I knew I couldn't be actively ED'd if I wanted to have a relationship, so I pushed thoughts of food and weight out of my mind and focused on the relationship.
-6 months later we vacationed in NYC, at which point we knew we never wanted to be apart. Then just 3 months after that we got married (12.1.11) so that we could start the immigration process for him to sponsor me to move to the US from Can. We applied to USCIS immediately for a greencard.
-This whole time, I was already in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. Wanting to move to the US and take my son with me added another layer to the court case. I filed an application to the court to relocate on 2.14.12. I knew my ex and his conniving girlfriend would try to paint me as an unfit mother and use my ED struggles against me, so I had no choice but to "recover" if I wanted any hope of winning the case.
-Due to the Canadian Provincial Court being slow and other setbacks, our case only went before a judge in July 2013. The entire time I maintained a healthy weight. I had to, or else everything would be for nothing. I felt trapped in a body I hated but I guess I stuck with, putting the court case about my body image. It was a really long case. 5 full days in front of a judge, plus written submissions afterwards because we ran out of time. Then waiting, waiting, waiting for a decision.
-Aug 2013 - $30k later and months of waiting, we won the court case and moved to the US! I got a great job, my son who was Grade 1 at the time, settled well into school and extra curriculars. I started making friends in my new community and I was scared to screw it up. PLUS, I didn't have healthcare until 2015, so getting sick would have been a major expense and not a good way to start out after fighting so hard to move in the first place.
Fastforward to the present. Life is generally good. I love our house and our three cats. I've been promoted in my job, in line to become the vice-president of the company (long term plan, not sure how long this will take to come to fruition, but the thought is nice). I am volunteering in my son's extracurriculars, have been the registrar for our soccer association for two years. Life is okay, but I have never been "normal" for this length of time before. Ever since my first hospital stay at 10 years old, a life of doctors, nutritionists, blood work, therapy, is all I have known. Being "normal" and therefore invisible, is starting to eat away at me. This might be clichéed but it's the truth - the ED was (is?) my identity and I feel a degree of loss without it. A hole that needs to be filled. I have always been "too thin". Not always dangerously thin, but THIN was my identity. Every day I feel a stronger pull to get back a little of that identity. Despite all I have gained these last few years, I don't feel brave or courageous for recovering. I feel like it was a mask that is slowly peeling off.
Recovery timeline:
-A month after I got out of the hospital, I met my future husband. Total coincidence, met at a bank while he was working and I was opening an account. We just clicked. Simple as that. The rest is a whirlwind! I knew I couldn't be actively ED'd if I wanted to have a relationship, so I pushed thoughts of food and weight out of my mind and focused on the relationship.
-6 months later we vacationed in NYC, at which point we knew we never wanted to be apart. Then just 3 months after that we got married (12.1.11) so that we could start the immigration process for him to sponsor me to move to the US from Can. We applied to USCIS immediately for a greencard.
-This whole time, I was already in the middle of a custody battle with my ex. Wanting to move to the US and take my son with me added another layer to the court case. I filed an application to the court to relocate on 2.14.12. I knew my ex and his conniving girlfriend would try to paint me as an unfit mother and use my ED struggles against me, so I had no choice but to "recover" if I wanted any hope of winning the case.
-Due to the Canadian Provincial Court being slow and other setbacks, our case only went before a judge in July 2013. The entire time I maintained a healthy weight. I had to, or else everything would be for nothing. I felt trapped in a body I hated but I guess I stuck with, putting the court case about my body image. It was a really long case. 5 full days in front of a judge, plus written submissions afterwards because we ran out of time. Then waiting, waiting, waiting for a decision.
-Aug 2013 - $30k later and months of waiting, we won the court case and moved to the US! I got a great job, my son who was Grade 1 at the time, settled well into school and extra curriculars. I started making friends in my new community and I was scared to screw it up. PLUS, I didn't have healthcare until 2015, so getting sick would have been a major expense and not a good way to start out after fighting so hard to move in the first place.
Fastforward to the present. Life is generally good. I love our house and our three cats. I've been promoted in my job, in line to become the vice-president of the company (long term plan, not sure how long this will take to come to fruition, but the thought is nice). I am volunteering in my son's extracurriculars, have been the registrar for our soccer association for two years. Life is okay, but I have never been "normal" for this length of time before. Ever since my first hospital stay at 10 years old, a life of doctors, nutritionists, blood work, therapy, is all I have known. Being "normal" and therefore invisible, is starting to eat away at me. This might be clichéed but it's the truth - the ED was (is?) my identity and I feel a degree of loss without it. A hole that needs to be filled. I have always been "too thin". Not always dangerously thin, but THIN was my identity. Every day I feel a stronger pull to get back a little of that identity. Despite all I have gained these last few years, I don't feel brave or courageous for recovering. I feel like it was a mask that is slowly peeling off.
Friday, July 3, 2015
N-400 Citizenship Application
I was so happy to log into online banking today and see that my check for $680 to Department of Homeland Security has cleared! I have never been so thrilled to part with money before. This check was the application fee for my US Citizenship Application! June 30 was my eligibility date for filing and I made sure my application was delivered to USCIS on that very day. This 4th of July is hopefully my last one as an "Alien".
Saturday, April 5, 2014
People have scars...
maps of their personal histories. diagrams of all their old wounds.
most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. but some
of them don't. some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the
cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."
-Grey's Anatomy
I cut yesterday. It felt so soothing. Like a reminder of where I have been and reassurance that I can always go back.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I Should...
I should be relieved that my life is settling down.
I should be happy to be off the legal roller coaster that was our battle to relocate to the US.
I should be proud that I have a great job and what looks like the "perfect life" from the outside.
I should be counting my blessings that my husband's biggest fault is that he wants to spend every moment with me to the point of suffocation.
I should be grateful that I am alive today despite all the starving and purging and abuse I put my body through.
I could go on. There are so many "shoulds" in life, yet I don't identify with any of them. I have been so accustomed to drama drama drama that when things start to run smoother, it scares me. I wonder what to do with myself. I fear being "normal". Normal to me is the equivalent of not being special and not standing out. I've always been afraid of blending in and being forgotten. For the majority of my life, I stood out by being the thinnest. The anorexic. The cutter.
Without those things who am I? Why does it scare me so much to be just like everyone else - a mom, a wife, an employee, a normal person. When things start going okay, I find a way to bring them crashing down around me again. I am just becoming conscious of that fact now, but looking back on my life I can see that this same thing has happened to me before. This wouldn't be my first time caught in the cycle.
Whether it be cutting, starving or maybe no I'm exploring something new - this thing with the other guy, A. We went for coffee, we still text. We are still toeing the same line as a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to rip my world apart. I really don't... but there is a void that still needs to be filled in my life. Despite all the therapy I've had and the fact that I've gained the ED weight back (much to my dismay) the underlying problems are still there. Strong as ever.
I should be happy to be off the legal roller coaster that was our battle to relocate to the US.
I should be proud that I have a great job and what looks like the "perfect life" from the outside.
I should be counting my blessings that my husband's biggest fault is that he wants to spend every moment with me to the point of suffocation.
I should be grateful that I am alive today despite all the starving and purging and abuse I put my body through.
I could go on. There are so many "shoulds" in life, yet I don't identify with any of them. I have been so accustomed to drama drama drama that when things start to run smoother, it scares me. I wonder what to do with myself. I fear being "normal". Normal to me is the equivalent of not being special and not standing out. I've always been afraid of blending in and being forgotten. For the majority of my life, I stood out by being the thinnest. The anorexic. The cutter.
Without those things who am I? Why does it scare me so much to be just like everyone else - a mom, a wife, an employee, a normal person. When things start going okay, I find a way to bring them crashing down around me again. I am just becoming conscious of that fact now, but looking back on my life I can see that this same thing has happened to me before. This wouldn't be my first time caught in the cycle.
Whether it be cutting, starving or maybe no I'm exploring something new - this thing with the other guy, A. We went for coffee, we still text. We are still toeing the same line as a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to rip my world apart. I really don't... but there is a void that still needs to be filled in my life. Despite all the therapy I've had and the fact that I've gained the ED weight back (much to my dismay) the underlying problems are still there. Strong as ever.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Old Photos
I made the mistake today of looking at old pictures. Specifically pictures of my last 3 IP hospital stays.
I have been out of IP for 2 years now. Doing OK but lately feeling a strong pull to go back down the ED road. The photos pulled at my heart and my mind. Looking at the girl in the pictures, I am jealous of what she had. Sure, I have happiness now and I fought hard to be free of the ED, but there is still a deep longing in me to go back to those days. To recover the ED Identity that had been the defining factor in me for more than half my life. I'm more familiar with the SICK me than the healthy me.
I don't know how to get those images out of my mind and the compulsion to prove to myself that I can do it (get sick) again.
I have been out of IP for 2 years now. Doing OK but lately feeling a strong pull to go back down the ED road. The photos pulled at my heart and my mind. Looking at the girl in the pictures, I am jealous of what she had. Sure, I have happiness now and I fought hard to be free of the ED, but there is still a deep longing in me to go back to those days. To recover the ED Identity that had been the defining factor in me for more than half my life. I'm more familiar with the SICK me than the healthy me.
I don't know how to get those images out of my mind and the compulsion to prove to myself that I can do it (get sick) again.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
A Pang of Sadness
I was reading blogs this morning and came across 2 where the blogger had recently found out she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong - I am so happy for them and wish a happy and healthy 9 months to them - but at the same time I felt a stab of sadness that made me stop and pause.
Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.
This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.
Since the miscarriage in September, I have immersed myself in my new job and stopped thinking about babies altogether. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to push it to the recesses of my mind. Tell myself that we shouldn't even try to have kids anymore anyway and that my career is all that matters now.
This has opened that back up. I don't know what I want. I wish it were true that I really didn't want to try for any more children, but I'm not so sure that is the truth now. TTC is so emotionally draining. It's scary to think about going back to that place, but time is of the essence and I will be 30 this year. I try to live life and make my decisions based on "What will I least regret looking back at this in the future". I guess I've gotta think long and hard about that in many aspects of my life right now.
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