NEDA Necklace

I'm wearing my new NEDA necklace which was a birthday present from my mom. It's the NEDA logo sculpted as a silver pendant on a silver chain. I love it. The pendant has a nice matte finish and while it holds significance for me it doesn't obviously scream Eating Disorder unless people are familiar with the logo. I look kinda alien-like in the picture on the right, but it's probably the angle lol.

I think it looks kinda heart-like. I bought it from This Website that's a great resource and also sells ED books, info, etc.

I saw my regular T today, Barbara. It was weird going back after not seeing her for 1 month and seeing a new T in the meantime. I felt a little like I had betrayed her by seeing someone new, so that was a little awkward on my part, but as soon as I got over that bit we had a good session. She emailed me yesterday in the nicest way possible to remind me of our appointment and she wrote: "I don't know how (whether!?!) your brain is functioning properly these days so I wanted to remind you of our appointment tomorrow." That made me wonder how other people perceive me. Am I obviously cognitively slower? Do people feel they need to handle me with care or treat me differently than before? I have always wished I could step outside myself for a day and see myself from the outside to see what others see or the image that I put across. If I had 3 wishes, I'd use that as one of my wishes.

My T is getting quite antsy about me getting into IP. She's worried that I'll chicken out and not go and warned me of the possibility that as much as they want people to go IP by choice, they could MAKE me go if they feel I'm not mentally competent enough to decide for myself. OMG - not mentally competent!? WTF!? I am totally competent. I'm smart, I go to work every day, I do my job, I function in society... how the hell can she say that? That's the hugest insult I've heard.

She used to see a healthy side warring against an unhealthy side - huge raging battle inside me - but now she doesn't see the healthy side at all. It's all ED now. Funny how people with eating disorders try to be different and to stand out by their thinness and yet the ED takes away your personality and makes you just like everyone else with an ED - obsessed with weight/shape/food/recipes/exercise etc. It doesn't make you unique at all. Quite the opposite.

Here's a song from the 90's that I heard on the radio. It struck a chord with me and brought me back several years:

"Youve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Dont you think its worth your time
To change your mind?"
-Hold On, Wilson Phillips

Normal Eating Quote

The chasm between me and others is getting wider and wider. I'm on my own little raft out at sea and everyone else is on the mainland moving forward, living their lives. As time goes by my raft drifts further away and it becomes harder to connect with them. The more I'm stuck here and the more they move forward, the more catching up I have to do and the more daunting it becomes. I don't know if I even CAN catch up or ever get back the years I've missed. All my memories are related to food. I could tell you with more ease what was served at our Prom dinner/dance than what music was played or who I danced with. Food/eating/not eating has been so interwoven in my life for so long that without it I truly don't know who I am. For example, I think I like baking and cooking and among my friends and co-workers I am known as "the baker". I wonder how much of this identity is really *me* versus caused by the ED. It unnerves me to think that the person I know to be me may not really be me since I've lived with the ED for so long. It would be such a mindfuck if deep down inside I find that I don't even like baking.

I had a chat with my supervisor at work today. My next hospital appointment is Sept. 10th. Thank God the Doc is on vacation otherwise my appointment would be sooner! I am absolutely dreading it. I don't want to face the truth that I might will have to go in. My supervisor said not to worry about the job or what people will think, we don't have to say anything specific, she doesn't think it will be a problem getting my job filled temporarily, etc. I feel much better about talking to her. The only negative thing is the ED voice yelling at me. My supervisor told me about her daughter's friend who's anorexic and had to quit sports, her face is really gaunt, etc. So now my mind is hung up on that thinking I'm not good enough because my face is still too damn round!

This quote on normal eating is one that we discussed in ED group a few weeks ago and it's also one that was posted in an online blog today. It is from the book "How to Get Your Kid to Eat ... But Not Too Much" by Ellyn Satter.

“Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

Sometimes in public places like Starbucks or the food court at the mall, I find myself intrigued by the way other people eat. They do it so mindlessly and freely. They reach over to their friend's plate to steal a french fry. They drink frappuccinos with whipped cream. They indulge in a Cinnabon even when they are full, just because they feel like eating one. These actions are so alien to me. I watch in awe and a bit of envy too. Then it quickly hits me that if I were to eat like that I would balloon into a blimp. Especially since my metabolism is definitely slower than other people's from years of abuse and malnutrition. The question, "What should we eat?" is a loaded on and often ends in fighting between family members when it is asked. We have pretty much stopped going out to eat as a family because

I embarrass them because people apparently stare at me since I'm so thin (I highly doubt this is true)

I take forever to decide what to eat then pick at it and draw more attention to ourselves

By the time we fight it out and figure out where to eat, nobody's hungry anymore

Goodbye Katie

"I'm an effigy
A parody of
Who I appear to be
Put your flaming torches under me"
-Effigy, Natalie Merchant

Another person abandoned me. My longtime penpal from the UK. We met online back in 2001 on the Something Fishy website for ED support. I used to frequent those forums all the time. The best thing about the forums and the site was meeting people like Katie. She emailed me this morning to say the had to delete me from her blogroll and from facebook. We used to write each other snail mail letters - long, 10+ page letters where we would pour out everything we were feeling, all our frustrations, all our hopes. We have never met in person but she felt like a sister to me. She sent me her artwork. We wrote on beautiful stationary and decorated our letters with stickers. Now that part of my life has also disintegrated. She is in the process of recovering and finds it too difficult to be around someone like me. Someone who is in the deptsh of this disorder and who can triggering I suppose. I don't mean to be triggering! I don't even know how to feel. I'm in a bit of shock, a bit numb, a bit sad, a bit angry but mainly numb. I don't blame her. I wish it didn't have to be this way. It seems that everywhere I turn there's another door closed in my face.

Maybe I'm not trying to isolate myself as much as people are running away from me. I always knew I was flawed... not fit to be around others...

Edema, Death of a Bulimic Acquaintance

I am actually falling asleep at my desk. Literally. The AC is way too cold as usual so I've got my space heater on underneath my desk. The gentle heat is slulling me to sleep. I guess it doesn't help that I only slept 2 hours last night. Totally my own fault for not going to bed earlier. The temperature at work is unbearable. I don't know why everyone finds it necessary to turn the air conditioning on full blast. The damn thing is right above my desk. I have a woolly scarf, a winter jacket and a fleece blanket that I use to wrap myself with in a futile attempt to stay warm. It's also a huge waste of energy for me to use a heater while the AC is on. What I need is my own office rather than a cubicle. Hmm... if only I could get my supervisor to go for that! lol

Therapy appointment. I am so embarrassed. I drew way too much attention to myself without good reason and I feel like running away just thinking about yesterday. All day I had been having a bit of tightness and discomfort on my left side (chest/back/down my arm) and it got a bit worse near the end of my appointment. My hand also started cramping and feeling tingly. My T noticed my discomfort and wanted me to see a doctor before I left the premises (or she would call the ambulance). I tried to convince her I was OK but NOOO.... I had to sit there for 1/2 hour and wait for the ADOLESCENT EDU program physician. The doc for the adult program wasn't working. She did a whole bunch of tests, checked my last lab results, etc... and of course everything was fine. I hate that I wasted their time when everything was fine. I would feel so much better if things had not been fine. I would have felt validated. Now I just feel like an attention-seeking fat cow.

Oh yeah, I have pitting edema due to low protein levels in the blood from malnutrition. Apparently the proteins in the blood help hold salt and water inside the blood vessels so fluid does not leak out into the tissues. If albumin (the most abundant blood protein) gets too low, edema occurs especially in the feet, ankles and lower legs. I've got it bad. It's so uncomfortable and my lower limbs look huge. Totally detrimental to my body image. Ironic, eh? Apparently the only cure is to eat protein.

Today I also found out that a girl from our treatment centre just passed away from her ED. She has a son. She was very well liked and is described by everyone as "a beautiful person inside and out". This shows how fucked my head is: When I heard the news my first reaction wasn't sadness, it was competitiveness.

Look at HER. Look how much better she is than you. She did this eating disorder properly, she showed willpower, she *succeeded*. You are so weak, you call attention to yourself with your 'fake' chest pains and tingling in the hands. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not thin enough to have any medical issues, you can't even do an ED properly!

I feel like a little girl when I say this, but I have a terrible fear of abandonment and what will happen to me if/when I go IP and gain weight. I asked Kristina how it's possible that she can see so many people of varying degrees of sickness yet care about the biggest person as much as the skinniest. She told me that each and every person is deserving of care, regardless of shape/weight/size etc. Why can I not wrap my head around this!? Why can't I believe that I don't need to keep proving that I'm worth caring for? I think therein lies the key to recovery for me. I need to believe I deserve to be cared for, without being on a death bed.

The IP Phone Call

The inevitable happened. I got the phone call from the hospital IP coordinator.

The moment she introduced herself my heart sank and I had to sit down. Her name is Tara. She was really nice, patient and caring. Apparently the doctor I saw last week is very very concerned about me (blood sugar, magnesium and potassium) and she gave my name to Tara twice to make sure that I was on the top of the medical priority list. This can't be happening. I am nowhere near sick enough for them to be this concerned! I could still stand to lose another 10 lbs (my goal) and maybe, just maybe, at that point I would consider myself 'sick enough'. I cannot rationalize that of all the sick ED-d people in British Columbia, my name is on the top of the list. They must be wrong!

Tara said there's an opening for me at the end of this month, August. Luckily for me, the doctor is on vacation until September 10th (also the date of my next appointment) and I managed to convince Tara to let me see the doctor first before making any IP plans. That buys me a few weeks of time to wrap my head around this and to figure out how to juggle work and childcare for my son. At this point I don't think I'm going to turn down the IP stay, I just want to postpone it a bit.
If not for the issue of getting time off work, I would be much more inclined to jump at going IP. I know my body is weakening and I know I need this stay, as scary as that is.

Medical Priority List

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday at the hospital. My bloodwork shows potassium levels dropping. I will have to go in for magnesium infusions i think... wtf... where do you get magnesium from? I do not want to go on an IV... it will probably make me swell up with 15lbs. of water! My poor mind will not be able to handle that. I love female doctors and feel so much more comfortable with them than with male docs. She looked me deep in the eyes and said, "Tia, you're really struggling aren't you. You don't need to say anything, your body shows that what you're doing is not okay." There was somethign in her tone of voice. Maybe it was the genuine caring and concern that got to me. I felt like for once someone could see what I'm going through and really feel like they wanted to be there to help me. So many people in my life are just angry at me for doing this to myself. I feel like an outcast much of the time. . Even though it was a question, there wasn't a questioning tone in her voice. It sounded more like a statement. For once I felt validated.

The Bottom Line: I'm on the high alert medical priority list for IP. The doctor (and I'm in agreement with this) cannot see a feasible way of me stopping the b/p and restriction on my own. Believe me, I've been fighting constantly against b/p-ing. I wish more than anything that I never learned how to throw up. Ideally I want to just stop b/p but not stop the restriction but apparently they go hand in hand. You can't really stop purging without sopping restrictiong because it's the restricting that drives your mind to go on these binges which lead to the inevitable purging. My heart is showing irregular beats and I'm hypoglycemic. I never thought hypoglycemia was deadly but apparently in can be as bad if not worse than electrolyte imbalances...

This morning I screwed up (again). I slept until 10:30am and I start work at 8:30. I was 2.5 hours late! My supervisor was awesome as usual. Thank God I'm a good worker when i'm at work and I get everything done despite having to take time off so frequently for appointmetns! This allows her to be more lenient and flexible with me when shit like this happens - and it's been happening more often. I used to be able to keep everything together and I let NOTHING interfere with my work. Therefore, the fact that my work-life is slipping is extremely alarming to me. In the past even when everything was crashing I managed to keep my work unscathed. This time, it's tougher.

In light of today, I chose to open up to my supervisor about the ED and possible upcoming hospitalization. I know she'll keep everything confidential and I feel much better about getting all that off my chest. It also makes it easier when I have to book off time for appointments. I just can't believe she never showed any hints of nosiness or curiosity before when I asked for time off. She didn't ask a single question. She just listened and empathized but I could tell she was grateful that I had told her what was going on.

On the positive side: Here's the adorable new netbook I bought. It's an 8.9" Acer Aspire One in baby pink. OMG I love it! It's so portable, it's no bigger having a hard cover book in your purse.

My Sister

My sister is away and won't be home until Sunday night. Even though we don't see each other that much or even talk that much it feels like there's a void. She's a business student and working for a promotions company and will be up in Whistler for the weekend. Her job as a promoter just highlights even more how different the two of us are in every way. She's a social butterfly, I'm an introvert. She gets recharged by being around people, I need my own time and space in order to recharge. She is healthy, vibrant and has never had issues with food. Me... not so much. She and I used to be really close but the ED has been slowly driving a wedge between us. She is one of those really normal people. If there were such thing as a "normal", she would be it. Well adjusted, well rounded, all those good things. She's never worried about food or size (and she's naturally tiny too!) and even though she's seen me struggle for 15 years, she doesn't understand that ED's are not a choice. I don't talk to her about any of the ED stuff because her response is usually something like, 'just make the choice to eat and then eat! simple!' I wish we spent more time together but I understand that it's really tough to watch someone driving themselves down a futile and destructive path like I am doing. I don't blame her, I just feel sad for the way we were. I used to be someone she looked up to but now I think I've become a disappointment even in her eyes.

Last minute cancellation

My T called today, 5 hours before our appointment, to let me know that she had to cancel and reschedule for next week. She's sick today. I am trying to be OK with this because it's nothing personal. She even went out of her way to call me herself from home rather than get the front desk to call. She really wanted to make sure I knew that it was nothing personal. I wish I weren't so sensitive about everything. I wish I could get it through my head that the world isn't out to get me. My head knows that she gave me as much notice as she could and that she still cares about me but a part of me wants to scream. I *need* these appointments. They give me something to 'peg' my days to because without them everything would meld into one blob of repetitiveness.

On one of my facebook pictures a (real life) friend commented: "eewwwww" because you could see my sternum/chest bones. Nice, eh? This is precisely why I have such a hard time with 'recovery', because I already feel so alone now. I've lost so many friends. If I got healthy and gained weight, I'd still be alone, but I'd just be alone and fat instead of alone and skinny. I try to imagine what life would be like being 'recovered' and I cannot even begin to go there. Whenever I get a phone call from a number starting with "682" - the prefix for the hospital - my heart leaps a bit with anxiety. I'm afraid of getting the phone call to tell me that there is a bed open for me for IP. I'm OK with being on the waiting list because there's nothing concrete, no date set, i'm just 'waiting'. But I know that one of these days I'm going to get that call and I don't know how I will handle it when I do. It's so clichéd but without this ED I don't have anything else going in my life.

Christy's Wedding

I can't believe how much my mind is turning to mush. I got yet another set of dates mixed up. My friend's WEDDING date. OMG. It was August 7th/09, a Friday, but in my head I thought it was on a Saturday. I didn't realize my mistake until Thursday when my date asked what time he should pick me up on Friday.

Me: Friday? What do you mean? What's on Friday?
Him: Um... the WEDDING
Me: WhAAAAaattt????

You know that keychain/bumper sticker that reads "Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most", well, that isn't so funny anymore because I personally see my mind slipping away. This terrifies me because I've always been so in control and competent in that area.

Because of my mix-up, I couldn't make it to the ceremony but we did make it to the reception. I could feel eyes on me at dinner. It didn't help that there was nothing safe to eat. Salad was covered in dressing and roasted veggies slathered in butter. The meats were obviously out of the question. I ended up tsking a dinner roll, picking it apart to fake eating and nibbling on some veggies that I discreetly tried to dab the butter off of. I wish I could at least be comfortable with consuming alcohol calories because it would have been so much easier to get through had I been drunk!

I bought a cute 10" netbook - Pink Dell Inspiron - but it was an impuse buy. I don't need one... I've got my trusty Toshiba notebook... but it was sooo cute! I don't have an iPhone or Blackberry since I don't want to pay an extra $25/mo. for a data plan especially since I still haven't caught onto the texting thing, so instead I could slip this little netbook into my purse and be just as connected using free WiFi at coffeeshops and stealing it from unsecured networks. Now I've just gotta decide whether or not to keep it. Decisions, decisions. A huge part of its appeal is the cuteness factor because that it's PINK.

Six word story

Thought for the day: Ernest Hemingway's Six-Word Story. How would you describe your life in 6 words?

I'll have to think on this one and post mine at a later date. It's hard to sum up a life in 6 words!

I'm feeling sooo icky this morning. The good: I have not purged for 4 days. The bad: My weight is up 2 lbs due to water retention, too much sodium and since I'm not dehydrated from purging. I'm having a really hard time fighting the urge to purge (no rhyme intended!) just to get rid of the extra water and edema in my ankles/feet. I don't feel like b/ping but I feel like I need to throw off my hydration levels again to get back to the weight 2 lbs lower. I am trying to keep telling myself the water gain is temporary and it's NOT REAL WEIGHT. I'm so paranoid that this is real weight gain... and how do I know if it is or isn't? I don't want to delude myself into thinking it's water when maybe I'm just fat after all... OMG I am going crazy with worry. I feel so incredibly out of control. I know 4 days is pretty good, so I cannot screw this up. I'm afraid that when I see my T on Friday that I will still be in this state of fatness and she'll think I don't need help or I'm recovered since I'm so goddamn fat now.