Goodbye Katie

"I'm an effigy
A parody of
Who I appear to be
Put your flaming torches under me"
-Effigy, Natalie Merchant

Another person abandoned me. My longtime penpal from the UK. We met online back in 2001 on the Something Fishy website for ED support. I used to frequent those forums all the time. The best thing about the forums and the site was meeting people like Katie. She emailed me this morning to say the had to delete me from her blogroll and from facebook. We used to write each other snail mail letters - long, 10+ page letters where we would pour out everything we were feeling, all our frustrations, all our hopes. We have never met in person but she felt like a sister to me. She sent me her artwork. We wrote on beautiful stationary and decorated our letters with stickers. Now that part of my life has also disintegrated. She is in the process of recovering and finds it too difficult to be around someone like me. Someone who is in the deptsh of this disorder and who can triggering I suppose. I don't mean to be triggering! I don't even know how to feel. I'm in a bit of shock, a bit numb, a bit sad, a bit angry but mainly numb. I don't blame her. I wish it didn't have to be this way. It seems that everywhere I turn there's another door closed in my face.

Maybe I'm not trying to isolate myself as much as people are running away from me. I always knew I was flawed... not fit to be around others...